I think his bonus is my bonus too.. Thoughts?
So basically my fiancé (28m) and I (25f) live together, have a house and mortgage together and all our income and spending comes out of a shared bank account.
He has been working extremely hard this year. We both earn a decent salary, but we've cut into our savings a bit because we've been on holiday this year, and he has been spending money on a few new things (new iPhone, play station, nice wines)
Whereas I have been sacrificing my spending so that I have money to spend when we go on holiday at Christmas.
He has just lost an expensive pair of Bose headphones, and wants to buy a new pair - the latest edition, of course. He refuses to compromise and buy a new version of the ones he lost. He thinks that his bonus money is 'his' extra money and he will take the purchase out of that, and put the rest into the bank account.
My argument is that buy buying the latest model, he is spending more of 'our' money. I barely treat myself with anything as I feel like I need to offset all his spending. He's so good at justifying those big purchases and saying he needs them as he works so hard.
I know finance can be a very divisive subject in relationships so just wanted to get anyone's thoughts on this.
Am I being unfair, or is he being selfish?Do I stand my ground, or give in and let him have it? There is no compromise it seems.
TL;DR
My fiancé spends a lot. I spend very little to offset his spending. We have cut into our savings.
He is getting a bonus, he thinks it's his money and wants to buy a newer more updated set of expensive headphones to the ones he just lost.
I think the money should be put in the collective pool, and not treated as extra money. Argument ensues.
Help.
Posted from TSR Mobile
He has been working extremely hard this year. We both earn a decent salary, but we've cut into our savings a bit because we've been on holiday this year, and he has been spending money on a few new things (new iPhone, play station, nice wines)
Whereas I have been sacrificing my spending so that I have money to spend when we go on holiday at Christmas.
He has just lost an expensive pair of Bose headphones, and wants to buy a new pair - the latest edition, of course. He refuses to compromise and buy a new version of the ones he lost. He thinks that his bonus money is 'his' extra money and he will take the purchase out of that, and put the rest into the bank account.
My argument is that buy buying the latest model, he is spending more of 'our' money. I barely treat myself with anything as I feel like I need to offset all his spending. He's so good at justifying those big purchases and saying he needs them as he works so hard.
I know finance can be a very divisive subject in relationships so just wanted to get anyone's thoughts on this.
Am I being unfair, or is he being selfish?Do I stand my ground, or give in and let him have it? There is no compromise it seems.
TL;DR
My fiancé spends a lot. I spend very little to offset his spending. We have cut into our savings.
He is getting a bonus, he thinks it's his money and wants to buy a newer more updated set of expensive headphones to the ones he just lost.
I think the money should be put in the collective pool, and not treated as extra money. Argument ensues.
Help.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Just have separate bank accounts. This all sounds too complicated. Technically it IS his money, just tell him he has to contribute half towards the holiday.
I agree with Lavender, have you tried having a joint bills and saving account and keeping everything else separate? That way you're both contributing to the important expenses, but whatever's left in your personal accounts can be spent however you like. If he has the money left to buy a new pair of expensive headphones then it seems a lot more fair that way, and you won't feel like you have to offset his spending.
Original post by manga
...
Well it is his money so he can do what he likes with it.
I would recommend, split bills, big costs according to salary ratio after that he can do what he likes
I think you are being a bit unfair. It *is* his money, and it is not a massive expense (though I'd agree that it is a luxury expense, but that's partly personal taste).
Where I think you are going wrong is that you have to realise that it's your choice to sacrifice yourself, not his. It is obviously nice of you to do that, but he didn't force you to. If he had forced you to compromise on your own spending, but then refused when it came to his, then yes I would say he is unreasonable, but this is not the case.
Perhaps in addition to the common bank account, you should each have a separate account, in which you put a mutually agreed part of your own income every month, so that each of you has some private money to spend on any luxuries you may want. Holidays etc. would be bought with the common account, but headphones etc. would be bought with private money. It seems a little bit complicated so not sure if you both think it's worth it, but that way at least you can easily avoid any problems in the future.
Where I think you are going wrong is that you have to realise that it's your choice to sacrifice yourself, not his. It is obviously nice of you to do that, but he didn't force you to. If he had forced you to compromise on your own spending, but then refused when it came to his, then yes I would say he is unreasonable, but this is not the case.
Perhaps in addition to the common bank account, you should each have a separate account, in which you put a mutually agreed part of your own income every month, so that each of you has some private money to spend on any luxuries you may want. Holidays etc. would be bought with the common account, but headphones etc. would be bought with private money. It seems a little bit complicated so not sure if you both think it's worth it, but that way at least you can easily avoid any problems in the future.
Thanks for your responses guys.
Unanimously you all think split accounts is the best way to go about it.
I agree - and I tried to implement this at the start of us living together, but he said it didn't feel 'couply' and he didn't want to have to split bills or something if we were at a restaurant.
We had a huge argument about it and I gave in and we went for shared.
So I am now facing another argument about the same thing, but at least now I have 3 years of it going badly to back it up. Guys, I'm going to push for the separate accounts and won't take no for an answer. It is the best solution.
Thanks for your help again!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Unanimously you all think split accounts is the best way to go about it.
I agree - and I tried to implement this at the start of us living together, but he said it didn't feel 'couply' and he didn't want to have to split bills or something if we were at a restaurant.
We had a huge argument about it and I gave in and we went for shared.
So I am now facing another argument about the same thing, but at least now I have 3 years of it going badly to back it up. Guys, I'm going to push for the separate accounts and won't take no for an answer. It is the best solution.
Thanks for your help again!
Posted from TSR Mobile
That is HIS bonus money from working very hard at work - on top of his wages - it's not much of a bonus if you're expected to hand it over to someone else, is it?
Money has always been something I am not prepared to fight over in a relationship - 3 bank accounts, one joint for shared bills/savings and each pays in a proportionate amount to earnings. If YOU choose to save or add extra, that is YOUR prerogative, but you're in no position to feel entitled to half of HIS rewards for HIS hardwork.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Money has always been something I am not prepared to fight over in a relationship - 3 bank accounts, one joint for shared bills/savings and each pays in a proportionate amount to earnings. If YOU choose to save or add extra, that is YOUR prerogative, but you're in no position to feel entitled to half of HIS rewards for HIS hardwork.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Live within your means?
Original post by PrittyVacant
That is HIS bonus money from working very hard at work - on top of his wages - it's not much of a bonus if you're expected to hand it over to someone else, is it?
Money has always been something I am not prepared to fight over in a relationship - 3 bank accounts, one joint for shared bills/savings and each pays in a proportionate amount to earnings. If YOU choose to save or add extra, that is YOUR prerogative, but you're in no position to feel entitled to half of HIS rewards for HIS hardwork.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Money has always been something I am not prepared to fight over in a relationship - 3 bank accounts, one joint for shared bills/savings and each pays in a proportionate amount to earnings. If YOU choose to save or add extra, that is YOUR prerogative, but you're in no position to feel entitled to half of HIS rewards for HIS hardwork.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted from TSR Mobile
No need to apologise, I wanted everyone's honest take on the situation.
I've had a chat with him, and he has agreed to splitting the accounts. I will still retain control of the joint spending (groceries etc) but he is allowed £500 a month to spend/save as he wishes.
Just to add - yes, he has worked hard. But I feel like I've also contributed to it, I drive him to the station and then back every night from work, I do all the cooking and cleaning as he works so late. I truly felt that it was a joint effort.
At the same time, I also have a very demanding job - I work late hours too (granted, not as late as his) and have to study over the weekends.
I also make more than him, which is why I felt it so imbalanced and maybe unfairly expected him to contribute the bonus to offset the fact he spends disproportionally more than me.
But yes, 3 accounts all the way!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Standard Procedure
Live within your means?
I do; he doesn't. It's not as simple as that without engaging in a full scale argument.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by PrittyVacant
That is HIS bonus money from working very hard at work - on top of his wages - it's not much of a bonus if you're expected to hand it over to someone else, is it?
Money has always been something I am not prepared to fight over in a relationship - 3 bank accounts, one joint for shared bills/savings and each pays in a proportionate amount to earnings. If YOU choose to save or add extra, that is YOUR prerogative, but you're in no position to feel entitled to half of HIS rewards for HIS hardwork.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Money has always been something I am not prepared to fight over in a relationship - 3 bank accounts, one joint for shared bills/savings and each pays in a proportionate amount to earnings. If YOU choose to save or add extra, that is YOUR prerogative, but you're in no position to feel entitled to half of HIS rewards for HIS hardwork.
Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I do agree with you, but the point here is that he's currently essentially spending her money, because he pushed to share, and is over-spending.
I think the OP is entirely justified. Not to expect him to share his bonus, but to expect not to have to share her money, if he chooses that to be his attitude. As you say, either both should share or they should get 3 accounts.
OP, just for reference my parents have always had the 3 bank accounts, and are very happy. No idea if the two are related.
Unfortunately, he sounds a bit immature when it comes to finance - at the very least you should be able to talk about it without arguing. Good luck, anyway.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by manga
So basically my fiancé (28m) and I (25f) live together, have a house and mortgage together and all our income and spending comes out of a shared bank account. He has been working extremely hard this year. We both earn a decent salary, but we've cut into our savings a bit because we've been on holiday this year, and he has been spending money on a few new things (new iPhone, play station, nice wines) Whereas I have been sacrificing my spending so that I have money to spend when we go on holiday at Christmas. He has just lost an expensive pair of Bose headphones, and wants to buy a new pair - the latest edition, of course. He refuses to compromise and buy a new version of the ones he lost. He thinks that his bonus money is 'his' extra money and he will take the purchase out of that, and put the rest into the bank account. My argument is that buy buying the latest model, he is spending more of 'our' money. I barely treat myself with anything as I feel like I need to offset all his spending. He's so good at justifying those big purchases and saying he needs them as he works so hard. I know finance can be a very divisive subject in relationships so just wanted to get anyone's thoughts on this. Am I being unfair, or is he being selfish?Do I stand my ground, or give in and let him have it? There is no compromise it seems. TL;DR My fiancé spends a lot. I spend very little to offset his spending. We have cut into our savings. He is getting a bonus, he thinks it's his money and wants to buy a newer more updated set of expensive headphones to the ones he just lost. I think the money should be put in the collective pool, and not treated as extra money. Argument ensues. Help. Posted from TSR Mobile
Ok, so you earn more, I get that... However say I earned 2k a month and my partner earned 1.5k a month. I pay 1k into the joint account it's unfair to expect him to also pay in 1k. I prefer a percentage, so my 1k is 50%, his proportionate amount would be £750 - if that didn't cover bills then I'd up the contribution to 60% each..
Original post by PrittyVacant
Ok, so you earn more, I get that... However say I earned 2k a month and my partner earned 1.5k a month. I pay 1k into the joint account it's unfair to expect him to also pay in 1k. I prefer a percentage, so my 1k is 50%, his proportionate amount would be £750 - if that didn't cover bills then I'd up the contribution to 60% each..
Not sure I've made my situation clear enough. At the moment the contribution is 100% for both of us. There is no distinction, it all goes into a common pool of money.
The issue here is that when surplus money is spent outside of bills, he spends say 120% of it whilst I spend only 10% to offset it. Thus we're cutting into our savings.
There is a spending imbalance, so my proposal was that whatever we get as income should go straight to replenish savings. As others have said, that might be unfair and I should probably wipe the slate clean from here and let him have his bonus.
Then going forward, we'll do the split accounts where, of course and as you said, it should all be about proportion contribution. Think we're on the same page here!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Octohedral
I do agree with you, but the point here is that he's currently essentially spending her money, because he pushed to share, and is over-spending.
I think the OP is entirely justified. Not to expect him to share his bonus, but to expect not to have to share her money, if he chooses that to be his attitude. As you say, either both should share or they should get 3 accounts.
OP, just for reference my parents have always had the 3 bank accounts, and are very happy. No idea if the two are related.
Unfortunately, he sounds a bit immature when it comes to finance - at the very least you should be able to talk about it without arguing. Good luck, anyway.
I think the OP is entirely justified. Not to expect him to share his bonus, but to expect not to have to share her money, if he chooses that to be his attitude. As you say, either both should share or they should get 3 accounts.
OP, just for reference my parents have always had the 3 bank accounts, and are very happy. No idea if the two are related.
Unfortunately, he sounds a bit immature when it comes to finance - at the very least you should be able to talk about it without arguing. Good luck, anyway.
Thanks - you seem to understand my frustrations!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Not the best place to ask, most younger people here don't have the bets grasp of finances in a couple's situation.
(happen to be studying land law where we focus a lot on the inequalities co-habiting partners have versus married couples - hopefully you both contribute to mortgage!)
Anyway - I agree with you setting boundaries as to the spending, else consider pushing for the separate accounts. Whilst later you may be in a better position and relationship to have a joint account, perhaps while he hasn't yet matured to being financial responsibly, either you split it or you take control.
(happen to be studying land law where we focus a lot on the inequalities co-habiting partners have versus married couples - hopefully you both contribute to mortgage!)
Anyway - I agree with you setting boundaries as to the spending, else consider pushing for the separate accounts. Whilst later you may be in a better position and relationship to have a joint account, perhaps while he hasn't yet matured to being financial responsibly, either you split it or you take control.
You're not being selfish however you two should have a serious chat regarding finances as you can't put both salaries in joint account and at the same time still think it's just your own (well his but you know what I mean). I maybe thinking this differently but as far as I'm concerned joint account means you both own that money.
(My husband when asked about his opinion said 'he's being immature' )
Posted from TSR Mobile
(My husband when asked about his opinion said 'he's being immature' )
Posted from TSR Mobile
His bonus is not your bonus.
Your salary is your salary, his salary is his salary. You choose to live together, both of you will contribute to the living expenses. You choose to travel together, both of you contribute to the travel expenses. You choose to buy a home together, both of you pay the mortgage together (when you separate, you'll still own ur share of the house and you can get your share if he choose to buy you out or u both agree to sell the property).
How much both of you choose to put in the house/trip/living expenses is up to you... you can put very little and keep more to your self. of course that will be reflected on the quality of life that you'll live.
I think its a mistake to have all your incomes into shared account. Each should have his/her own separate account where the income (salary etc) goes... then there is a third account where they "family" money goes which includes savings for trips, monthly spending etc.
Money is not a silly matter, and don't listen to the comments that tell you "you have the right for his bonus"... no you don't. its his salary, from his work... and if you want to claim that his bonus or salary is yours too... then he might take action to show you that it is not... action such as leaving you. and believe me, a person's income is the ultimate thing... it is the reason why so many people leave their homes and loved ones just to earn a living... and it is something that they only share with their loved ones because they love them and they do it willingly. but the minute someone claims to have a say in the income... a person will easily take a step back and walk away!
Your salary is your salary, his salary is his salary. You choose to live together, both of you will contribute to the living expenses. You choose to travel together, both of you contribute to the travel expenses. You choose to buy a home together, both of you pay the mortgage together (when you separate, you'll still own ur share of the house and you can get your share if he choose to buy you out or u both agree to sell the property).
How much both of you choose to put in the house/trip/living expenses is up to you... you can put very little and keep more to your self. of course that will be reflected on the quality of life that you'll live.
I think its a mistake to have all your incomes into shared account. Each should have his/her own separate account where the income (salary etc) goes... then there is a third account where they "family" money goes which includes savings for trips, monthly spending etc.
Money is not a silly matter, and don't listen to the comments that tell you "you have the right for his bonus"... no you don't. its his salary, from his work... and if you want to claim that his bonus or salary is yours too... then he might take action to show you that it is not... action such as leaving you. and believe me, a person's income is the ultimate thing... it is the reason why so many people leave their homes and loved ones just to earn a living... and it is something that they only share with their loved ones because they love them and they do it willingly. but the minute someone claims to have a say in the income... a person will easily take a step back and walk away!
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