Depression, maybe? Watch

kimx
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I've self- diagnosed myself with depression; probably nowhere near as bad as i think. I've told 3 people and all 3 of them told me to book an appointment with my GP- which i have done but now i'm not sure if i should have, or whether i have come to the right conclusion! I also think that if i am right then i think i may have had it for a fair while and now i know why.

It started about 2 nights ago when i got annoyed with my mum and we got in a strop with each other! I couldn't get to sleep and started thinking about all the negative things in my life, which i know is not the best thing to do. For some reason i was thinking about my car and driving lessons! I've had a car on a provisional license for about 5 months now but haven't driven it for about 4 months because no one will go out with me so i can gain more experience, therefore, my car has just been sat there and now wont start :/ The main problem with that is my mum, she doesn't go out with me when i ask her to, she just doesn't seem to care and its always inconvenient for her when i ask if i can drive.
This lead to me thinking about all the times when things i want to do is inconvenient for her and how i have to plan my days around what she does just so she doesnt get in a strop with me and starts ignoring me! Everything leads to her being the problem.

When im at home i feel like im trapped. Every time i go out shopping or make plans with the few friends i have, i come back home i feel guilty for going out and having fun and living my life. I feel like my mum holds me back from being able to live a happy life. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters and she has disowned all of my brothers and 1 of my sisters so whenever i want to see them i either have to lie to her about where im going or i just dont see them. I hardly go out and enjoy myself and make the most of everything! I spend most days in my room watching netflix and tv. I have no motivation what so ever, not even to do well at uni and none to do my homework, some days i spend all day in bed and do nothing! Recently my sleeping pattern has been all over the place. Some nights i get about 11 hours sleep and others i get about 5 hours. My appetite has also been up and down, over eating and under eating. Things have been hard at home for the past few months and dealing with it has been hard because im dealing with it by myself. I feel down all the time and have (not so much now) has suicidal thoughts and have wanted to intentionally hurt myself. Since being with my boyfriend for over a year now, those thoughts have decreased a lot, but i occasionally still think about hurting myself! The only time that i am happy is when i am with my boyfriend, he makes me happy and helps me feel like i am loved and important, like i have a purpose in life and that things will get better. Its when i have to go home i get the feeling of emptiness and feel down and sad again.

My relationship with my mum is not one that i desire, i envy people who have a good relationship with their mum! I cant talk to her about anything and she doesnt listen even when im talking to her about day to day things. I am nothing like her, She's too quick to judge someone and holds a grudge against people and wont ever let it go. As for me, im the complete opposite to that and it frustrates me when i see her be like that. Also, when we argue she ignores me for days and wont speak to me, which hurts and i get in a complete state.

I have hope (mainly because of my boyfriend) that when i move in with him and out of my mums that things will get better but i dont know how long i can cope in an environment like this for until i do move out!

Are the things that i feel and the way i behave a sign that there is something mentally wrong with me or am i just overthinking things majorly? Am i right to have booked an appointment with my GP?
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Kabloomybuzz
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You've definitely done the right thing by making an appointment. Depression is one of the things you kind of can self diagnose. If you know your mood is low compared to normal and that, possibly among other symptoms is affecting your life, then you probably do have it. Even if you don't, you're clearly struggling and your GP should be able to offer to refer you to counselling which should help.

From your post, it also seems quite likely that your mum has some problems of her own that she's perhaps not aware of or not facing up to...
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kimx
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Thank you for your reply! I think getting an outside view from someone i don't know is helpful in knowing that booking the appointment was a good idea!
At this moment in time I feel neutral. I don't feel sad nor do i feel happy, which is why i'm second guessing myself about the appointment! I dont want to waste the doctor's time!

As for my mum, i also think she does have problems but she wouldn't face up to them. And i don't feel like i can talk to her about things like that, she'd get all stubborn and defensive and act as if i have insulted her and probably kick me out and disown me like the rest of my siblings.
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Kabloomybuzz
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(Original post by kimx)
Thank you for your reply! I think getting an outside view from someone i don't know is helpful in knowing that booking the appointment was a good idea!
At this moment in time I feel neutral. I don't feel sad nor do i feel happy, which is why i'm second guessing myself about the appointment! I dont want to waste the doctor's time!

As for my mum, i also think she does have problems but she wouldn't face up to them. And i don't feel like i can talk to her about things like that, she'd get all stubborn and defensive and act as if i have insulted her and probably kick me out and disown me like the rest of my siblings.
Having depression doesn't mean you're miserable all the time, realistically it means you have symptoms of depression more often than not.
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