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My heart's been torn out.

After you've been turned away.

I apologise in advance if the following seems melodramatic or otherwise. It's all a bit raw, and I can't think in anything but hyperboles because everything feels like it's awful. The girl of this story is not to blame. The deflated lump that is my ripped-out heart has me alone to thank for its condition. I don't need or want advice. I just needed to write this down somewhere.

So here's the story. Oversensitive guy who's never had a relationship meets the girl of his dreams and becomes best friends with her. Over the course of this friendship they become closer and closer, but the guy, that's I, can never quite get keep a hold of a good thing. I'm oversensitive I guess, so I got far too upset over really silly things like the mildest annoyance, or feeling I'm not the best friend I can be. My being upset like that made her upset. She didn't like being upset.

So girl tells guy that if there ever was any chance of them being together, it's gone, after one too many of these episodes.

I relate just to provide context... I'm not interested in rights and wrongs here.

I'm 20 years old and I've never done a single thing with a girl, never had a girlfriend, nothing. For the record and in all modesty I don't think this is because I'm just unattractive or something like that - I'm probably a reasonably normal-to-good looking guy. I went to a boy's school for a long time so that didn't bring many girls into the vicinity, and I tend not to socialise in the "usual" places where boy-meets-girl, I guess I'm a bit of an introvert and keep my friends to a minimum, but really close.

I've felt strong emotions for two people, both of whom didn't return it. One of them, being this girl, I really really loved with everything I had. But now where do I put all that emotion? Crushing it could only crush me with it. The way I felt made it like there was a tiny string my heart had thrown out and latched onto her - the string got tighter, stronger and shorter as we were closer - and now she's pulled away it's dragged my heart out of my chest along with her. Now wherever she goes this quivering mess of a heart will be trailing along behind, scraping along the ground.

And what is the state of my love-life? This girl really was perfect in every way, I'll never find someone like her again - and nor do I want to. I don't want to say I've loved multiple people. Why do I have to be yet another person whose "first love" is a mandatory naive and failed one? I don't want my life to contain that.

And whoever I might be with in the future, they'll know that whatever feelings I have for them, they're diluted by the fact that I felt that strongly (if not stronger) for someone else before.

And how, exactly, does one just "stop loving" someone else - when they see them everyday, they're their best friend, talk to them all the time... and it's not like I want to stop doing that.

But if I'm under oath to stop feeling that way now, I'm less natural with her, less genuine. I'm suppressing something, and let's not forget - killing something inside me at the same time. Or if it stays alive, I'm just suppressing it even more - which is shorthand for "storing up emotion for a massive breakdown" when I, as I will, reveal sometime in the future that my feelings haven't changed, and I get rejected again. This will happen.

And on top of this, just why? She'd known for ages and ages how I felt, and kept saying there was a chance for me. Then all of a sudden it's turned around. I know what I did wrong - made a big upset issue out of a small thing - a mistake I'll never live down.

But it's not turned around completely. She still wants to be really close to me, wants to be the bestest friends we are, wants to hug and hold hands, basically wants everything I want - but all of a sudden doesn't want my feelings anymore. Just all of a sudden there's a limitation on how close we can be, when we've been becoming closer and closer for months.

I know her intentions were pure, but it's ironic - as much as I "understand" it, I don't. As much as I know she hasn't been "leading me on", I feel that way. And I guess that's because I know that (once I recover from this initial depression) we'll be really great friends as ever, and hell, I might have even learnt my lesson. But it won't mean a thing, because she's come to her decision and it isn't changing.

And how can I even ask her to change her mind. Second chances? It's laughable. "I know you've decided you couldn't possibly be with me, but, could you shift that up to a maybe-just-maybe?" The incomprehensible absoluteness of this is more than I can bear, because right now I still feel in love with her, and with that feeling still present I also have to hold it in my head that there is just no way, no way in the universe, that I'll ever be with her.

The two at once tear me open. My route to feeling happy about things again is long, and I'm not sure there's a bridge crossing that tear. Nor do I know how to build one. I'll just have to sit on the edge of this precipice waiting for a natural bridge to form, as time crumbles the edges, dust collects, and the fissure fills, one pebble at a time.

And speaking of mistakes I'll never live down, I'll never live this mistake down! But what did I do wrong? I made a girl upset because of the way I was somehow. How does one interpret that? What am I to take from this experience? A sense of self-worthlessness? Check. Realisation that I didn't reach the mark? Check. Knowledge that girls that great are way out of my league? Check. Is there something about me that just upsets girls? I'll replay forever the moment I know I made it all go wrong. The sadness of it will never leave me, I know it. I could be married with three kids sixty years from now and I'll still be sad when I think back to it.

And I just considered: how am I going to feel when she gets herself a boyfriend? Because she will. And I sure as hell aren't going to be getting myself a girlfriend. I might just be able to live with this till then. The moment that happens it'll never be the same. I won't be able to be such a close friend to her anymore, won't be the person that means the most to her... and I'll be thinking what's so great about Him that I didn't have? I'd ask everything about Him in absolute agony, then repeat the entire process of feeling heart-torn before again feeling like I'm worthless.

I'm broken. My whole world was centred on her, and while it seemed that our closeness would go somewhere, it meant my whole world was great. I was so damned happy. Now my outlook on life is shattered, I don't look forward to even tomorrow, let alone the future. I've lost all life-motivation because what am I doing anything for anymore? Before my very purpose was to love this girl. Now I'm being told to make it my purpose to stop. That's an antimatter annihilation - energy released: burst of initial emotions - and then nothing left.

This has been mightily unstructured, the tedious outpourings of yet another guy with girl problems. I'm just inconsolably upset, that's all.

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Reply 1

MagicNMedicine

from the sounds of all that you're far too needy at the moment, girls want someone strong who can take care of them not a drama queen, that is why you haven't been successful with this girl

harsh reality is it's never going to happen with this girl, stress and cry about it if you need to but eventually you will have to toughen up and come back wiser and more streetwise

the clues in your post about your inexperience excuse why you have gone overboard about this one - don't make this girl into a saint, its a common mistake and one you will cringe about in years to come

Reply 2

Flank Runner

normally, i'd be here helping you by comforting and supporting you through this rough time, but that ain't going to work with you, your too far gone, so i'm going to use the NCO approach, boy, buck up and step up, this has happened and more than likely will happen again, but if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger, so, forget about it, move on theres a job to be done do it, get out meet people, stop being so isolated, it can't hurt to broaden your horizons, join some clubs, start a sport and lifes worries will soon disappear, my personal advice, keep busy, when its time to find someone, they'll find you, so get out and enjoy life, thats an order :biggrin:

my best wishes
freer

Reply 3

General Mullet

My goodness you've become far too attatched to this girl. You talk as if your life purpose is to impress her and you've build her up as some kind of Godess - which she isn't. She isn't perfect in every way, nobody is.

When you become great friends with someone that's what you are, friends. She wouldn't want to risk losing that friendship and in all honesty doesn't feel attraction for you in a romantic way.

I know you didn't come here for advice but you seriously need to get out there and meet some new people. Sitting around obsessing over this girl is the reason you feel like this.

Reply 4

JimmyJ

Perhaps you'd get more women if you stopped speaking like a ponce.

You're 20 years old. You should be past this stage of pathetic innocence.

Live and learn. Life isn't all fun and games.

Reply 5

Aeris

You seem to find the dark, when everything is bright. You look for all that's wrong instead of all that's right. Does it feel good to you, to rain on my parade? You never say a word unless it's to complain. It's driving me insane.
If I were you, holding the world right in my hands, the first thinig I'd do is thank the stars for all that i have, if I were you.

Reply 6

JimmyJ

Hoobagay.

Reply 7

JimmyJ

Just kidding, they are quite good.

Reply 8

Aeris

JimmyJ

Hoobagay.

Shhh!
I ran out of things to say. :redface:

Reply 9

JimmyJ

Hehe. Good try anyway! :smile:

Seriously though OP, my original post may have been a little harsh.

**** happens. I was going out with a girl on and off for 6 years. You'd think i'd have known her inside out *giggles* but i didn't!

She went to Uni many miles from me, found someone else and didn't have the heart to tell me. Soul destroying, and what's worse i turned down 2 fine girls for her, when she was getting shagged by someone esle. One i know i couldve happily settled down with.

Reply 10

NaN

Jesus, that's a lot of text. I read the the second line, but in my head I was hearing sad violin music.

Reply 11

JimmyJ

Just to make it that little bit easier to read, he wrote it in light blue.

Reply 12

Aeris

He's in a blue mood. Don't ruin the atmosphere.

Reply 13

JimmyJ

He's had his first dose of real life.

Poor kid. Slit downwards.

Reply 14

NaN

JimmyJ

He's had his first dose of real life.

Poor kid. Slit downwards.

Yep,
Remember kids, it's down the street, not across the tracks.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Harsh comments. It seems like some people haven't been in that situation thus losing their lack of experience in a crappy way. In these situations, the best advice comes from someone who has been in a similiar situation imo.

All this "nonce" etc cussing is pathetic, the only nonce is the ones calling the OP one behind a computer screen.

Having said that, some of the harsh posts were true imo. I got over my ex by realising it's "dog eat dog" out there and not everyone has a big heart... having a big heart doesn't make one a nonce and imo having a big heart is a good thing when you meet the right people.

Only time will heal you and your way of thinking, there'll be times when you think you are getting better and then some really depressing moments but just remember that you'll get another girl... you already had this one so if you can have her then why can't you have another? No one knows what the future holds... just take this as a learning experience.

Reply 16

Vincente

I went to a boy's school for a long time so that didn't bring many girls into the vicinity, and I tend not to socialise in the "usual" places where boy-meets-girl

An actual problem with an all boys school, though im not saying it affects everyone one but it does tend to create a lot of situations like this for many guys i know. I too had this problem for a huge proportion of time at college.

Reply 17

JKing84

Its all part of growing up mate try to think that you've learnt from the experience and your be better prepared to deal with girls you have a crush on in the future. If you dont make mistakes and learn from them your go nowhere. Episodes like this are in effect good for you even though you dont yet know it. :biggrin:

Good luck

Reply 18

JimmyJ

Damn right.

Reply 19