My heart's been torn out.

After you've been turned away.

I apologise in advance if the following seems melodramatic or otherwise. It's all a bit raw, and I can't think in anything but hyperboles because everything feels like it's awful. The girl of this story is not to blame. The deflated lump that is my ripped-out heart has me alone to thank for its condition. I don't need or want advice. I just needed to write this down somewhere.

So here's the story. Oversensitive guy who's never had a relationship meets the girl of his dreams and becomes best friends with her. Over the course of this friendship they become closer and closer, but the guy, that's I, can never quite get keep a hold of a good thing. I'm oversensitive I guess, so I got far too upset over really silly things like the mildest annoyance, or feeling I'm not the best friend I can be. My being upset like that made her upset. She didn't like being upset.

So girl tells guy that if there ever was any chance of them being together, it's gone, after one too many of these episodes.

I relate just to provide context... I'm not interested in rights and wrongs here.

I'm 20 years old and I've never done a single thing with a girl, never had a girlfriend, nothing. For the record and in all modesty I don't think this is because I'm just unattractive or something like that - I'm probably a reasonably normal-to-good looking guy. I went to a boy's school for a long time so that didn't bring many girls into the vicinity, and I tend not to socialise in the "usual" places where boy-meets-girl, I guess I'm a bit of an introvert and keep my friends to a minimum, but really close.

I've felt strong emotions for two people, both of whom didn't return it. One of them, being this girl, I really really loved with everything I had. But now where do I put all that emotion? Crushing it could only crush me with it. The way I felt made it like there was a tiny string my heart had thrown out and latched onto her - the string got tighter, stronger and shorter as we were closer - and now she's pulled away it's dragged my heart out of my chest along with her. Now wherever she goes this quivering mess of a heart will be trailing along behind, scraping along the ground.

And what is the state of my love-life? This girl really was perfect in every way, I'll never find someone like her again - and nor do I want to. I don't want to say I've loved multiple people. Why do I have to be yet another person whose "first love" is a mandatory naive and failed one? I don't want my life to contain that.

And whoever I might be with in the future, they'll know that whatever feelings I have for them, they're diluted by the fact that I felt that strongly (if not stronger) for someone else before.

And how, exactly, does one just "stop loving" someone else - when they see them everyday, they're their best friend, talk to them all the time... and it's not like I want to stop doing that.

But if I'm under oath to stop feeling that way now, I'm less natural with her, less genuine. I'm suppressing something, and let's not forget - killing something inside me at the same time. Or if it stays alive, I'm just suppressing it even more - which is shorthand for "storing up emotion for a massive breakdown" when I, as I will, reveal sometime in the future that my feelings haven't changed, and I get rejected again. This will happen.

And on top of this, just why? She'd known for ages and ages how I felt, and kept saying there was a chance for me. Then all of a sudden it's turned around. I know what I did wrong - made a big upset issue out of a small thing - a mistake I'll never live down.

But it's not turned around completely. She still wants to be really close to me, wants to be the bestest friends we are, wants to hug and hold hands, basically wants everything I want - but all of a sudden doesn't want my feelings anymore. Just all of a sudden there's a limitation on how close we can be, when we've been becoming closer and closer for months.

I know her intentions were pure, but it's ironic - as much as I "understand" it, I don't. As much as I know she hasn't been "leading me on", I feel that way. And I guess that's because I know that (once I recover from this initial depression) we'll be really great friends as ever, and hell, I might have even learnt my lesson. But it won't mean a thing, because she's come to her decision and it isn't changing.

And how can I even ask her to change her mind. Second chances? It's laughable. "I know you've decided you couldn't possibly be with me, but, could you shift that up to a maybe-just-maybe?" The incomprehensible absoluteness of this is more than I can bear, because right now I still feel in love with her, and with that feeling still present I also have to hold it in my head that there is just no way, no way in the universe, that I'll ever be with her.

The two at once tear me open. My route to feeling happy about things again is long, and I'm not sure there's a bridge crossing that tear. Nor do I know how to build one. I'll just have to sit on the edge of this precipice waiting for a natural bridge to form, as time crumbles the edges, dust collects, and the fissure fills, one pebble at a time.

And speaking of mistakes I'll never live down, I'll never live this mistake down! But what did I do wrong? I made a girl upset because of the way I was somehow. How does one interpret that? What am I to take from this experience? A sense of self-worthlessness? Check. Realisation that I didn't reach the mark? Check. Knowledge that girls that great are way out of my league? Check. Is there something about me that just upsets girls? I'll replay forever the moment I know I made it all go wrong. The sadness of it will never leave me, I know it. I could be married with three kids sixty years from now and I'll still be sad when I think back to it.

And I just considered: how am I going to feel when she gets herself a boyfriend? Because she will. And I sure as hell aren't going to be getting myself a girlfriend. I might just be able to live with this till then. The moment that happens it'll never be the same. I won't be able to be such a close friend to her anymore, won't be the person that means the most to her... and I'll be thinking what's so great about Him that I didn't have? I'd ask everything about Him in absolute agony, then repeat the entire process of feeling heart-torn before again feeling like I'm worthless.

I'm broken. My whole world was centred on her, and while it seemed that our closeness would go somewhere, it meant my whole world was great. I was so damned happy. Now my outlook on life is shattered, I don't look forward to even tomorrow, let alone the future. I've lost all life-motivation because what am I doing anything for anymore? Before my very purpose was to love this girl. Now I'm being told to make it my purpose to stop. That's an antimatter annihilation - energy released: burst of initial emotions - and then nothing left.

This has been mightily unstructured, the tedious outpourings of yet another guy with girl problems. I'm just inconsolably upset, that's all.

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Reply 20

JimmyJ

Hardman lol.

Reply 21

Jennybean

OP: Your post, while possibly a little more poetic and articulate than some, could echo the thoughts of a thousand people who have had their heart broken. Perhaps you are a little older than most when it's happened to you, but given your circumstances I think that's understandable. Although I don't neccessarily agree with the tough love attitude of some of the advice given here, people are trying to help you. I wish that after my first boyfriend dumped me I could have had someone to take me by the shoulders and prevent me making a complete idiot of myself in the name of trying to win the prick back. Rather, I spent many months in a complete slump, with thoughts very much along the lines of "I'll never love anyone else like this, he's the one, I'll love him til the day I die" etc etc. Now with maturity and hindsight I see that he was in fact a class A ****** and humiliated me in a way I never thought someone would do to another person. And I've fallen so deeply in love with someone else it makes me wonder what I ever saw in him. I know it's not what you want to hear right now but you must take your mind off her. She might not wish to, but if you stay friends she will, inadvertently or otherwise, end up hurting you and when you do finally move on you will feel angry and resent her for making you look like a fool. Friendship would then be impossible. If you care about her that much that you want her in your life longterm, you need to sit her down and explain calmly and without emotional blackmail how you feel about her, (and although it might hurt perhaps it would help to hear a definite "no" from her rather than sit around what-iffing) then agree to have space from each other for at least a few weeks while you get yourself back on track. Hugging, seeing each other constantly, holding hands etc may seem like comfort, but will just create possibilities in your mind where there aren't any. When you feel ready to be around her again, you can start to see her again but have rules such as not being tactile to make sure she doesn't send you mixed signals.
I know it hurts right now and feels like it won't ever get better but you can't know how you will feel in a few months, or who you might meet. Try and keep yourself occupied, and if there is any kind of possibility of the two of you getting together, the only way she's going to see it is if you leave her well alone so she has space to think about her feelings without the influence of your being around her all the time. Sorry for the essay (although it doesn't really match yours) and my thoughts are with you. I think most people reading this thread will know exactly how you feel. Best of luck xx

Reply 22

GPLechuck

JimmyJ

Perhaps you'd get more women if you stopped speaking like a ponce.

I can sympathise with you here, because the OP is trying to explain how he feels at the moment and has the nerve to actually describe how he's thinking as opposed to lowering the tone by using words like "shag".

How dare the OP have a more imaginative grasp of language than yourself! :rolleyes:

moron.

But to the OP, I had situation not dissimilar from your own and i found it agonisingly difficult to deal with.
I know how crushing it feels to have her find somebody, i just hope you're over the worst of it by then. Best thing i can think to do, and something that helped me was to meet new people, not just girls, but new friends too. I moved to another city (coincidentally) a while after it happened to me, and meeting new people, starting anew was so good for me.
Sorry i can't offer any better words at the moment man.