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Sensitive advice please..... a delicate issue

I am female. One of my female friends and I had a 'fall out' several months ago. I have tried to put things right by sending her letters but she doesn't respond. Her partner still spoke to me, well at least he said Hi, although we are in different situations and I no longer see him.

The thing is it is almost the 12 month anniversary of her Mum's death and I would really like her to know that I'm thinking of her and there for her if needed. I would still dearly love to put things right, it was all a misunderstanding and I was rather insensitive to her.

Don't know how to go about it though as she ignores my letters and I don't want to appear insensitive yet again. Would it be inappropriate to contact her partner and say that I would like to speak to her?

Thanks for any advice!

Reply 1

pukey

Make sure it doesn't look like you're using her mum's death as a 'way in' to restore your friendship. If she's cut up about her mum, she probably doesn't want to be distracted by ex-friends trying to make amends.

Send her a letter/text/email or something, but don't go overboard and don't go via her partner.

Now is not the time to make friends or force anything with her, in my opinion, but do let her know you care.

Reply 2

Le_désir

yes i believe that it would be a good idea to discuss the issue with the partner however firstly why did u both fall out with eachother in the first place if u dont mind me asking?

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

ICT.FrEaK

yes i believe that it would be a good idea to discuss the issue with the partner however firstly why did u both fall out with eachother in the first place if u dont mind me asking?

My fault. We'd talked after her Mum's death and I'd said all the right things. I didn't see her for a few weeks but heard that she was feeling down. Thought I'd send her a nice chatty letter. I didn't dwell on the bereavement but said I was sorry I hadn't done more for her and she meant a lot to me. Said if she needed any help with anything to give me a call. My letter was far too light hearted in the circs. Not really what I intended and ended up upsetting her. She told me that I had upset her and she was quite unpleasant towards me. I of course apologised more than once but she never replied.

Any thoughts please?

Send her a letter, just keep it short simply saying you are thinking of her. After that, the ball is in her court.

It would be far far worse for her to think you didn't care.

Reply 6

Me Me Me

what to do? your situation is tricky. I think the plan of writing a letter firstly is good - oviously you need to be careful with what you say. Make her realise what a good friend you are, and that you will always be there for her. If she still dosent reply and ignores you, then perhaps you should then go about her partner - basically tell him what you have told her in the letter. If that dosent work still, then who knows? At least you tried! xx

Reply 7

envious

I can understand why you want to restore this friendship and comfort your friend, but I really do think that pushing the issue at such a sensitive time may in fact do more harm then good.

Her reaction to the original letter does seem rather extreme, considering the fact it's clear that you never intended to upset her and that most people would struggle to capture the right tone in a letter to a friend that has recently suffered a bereavment. I guess though she has been through a hard time and perhaps her sensitivity towards the letter was higher than you ever could have predicted.

I would suggest that you can perhaps write another letter to her just to tell her that you are still here for her and are thinking of her. I would not however push things further by contacting her partner. It just seems to me that the letter will provide her an olive branch to which she can reach out for if she really wants to rekindle the friendship. If she does not reply again then you simply must accept that she is not ready at the moment to be your friend again. I know that this is a difficult truth to face but at this time the last thing your friend will need is pressure to reinstate the friendship or you contacting her partner which she may view as underhand and sly.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do and for what it's worth I think you are being a really good friend standing by your friend through this hard time. I am sure at some point she will come to appreciate all this effort you are putting in :biggrin:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Thank you!

This is so difficult I just don't want to get things wrong again! She told me that she didn't want me to care, but I think it was said in anger (I hope!).
I had my doubts about contacting her partner, thought he might just say leave it for now or forever and that would answer the question! But yes, it did seem a bit of an underhand way of doing things.

I'll try another letter then as you say it's an olive branch for her. Unfortunately another friend of mine died, cancer, on the same day as her Mum and as soon as I heard about her Mum I cried. Not because I knew her but because I knew how my friend was feeling. Throughout the period I felt so close knowing we were in a similar situation and I really felt for her. I just don't know what words to use to make her see that I mean what I am saying and I do understand.

Thanks for your help.

Reply 9

Angelil

I would say just a tasteful card to say sorry about her mum - I would leave the two issues very separate and leave her to deal with it. If she doesn't make any move in maybe a month, ring her and ask if she wants to come out for coffee or something and a chat. Hope it all goes as you want xxx

forget about her.

A letter is the best idea but keep it brief to minimise upsetting her. Sort of 'thinking of you at this difficult time' type thing. Don't say anything about the other person dying or imply that you know how she's feeling - you don't. If you don't get a response you must leave her in peace. She will contact you if she wants to, when she's ready so don't push it.

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