English Exam Watch

Himtiaz
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#1
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This is the introduction for my opinion article on celebrities. I am wondering what you think?

Opinion Article
Headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Now let’s compare this to the headlines of yesterday. Blue LED is discovered. This doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. Who am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber,( which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.
People say that
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VioletPhillippo
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Hiya,
It's a very engaging beginning to an article.
Think about what type of article it is. Is it in a newspaper or a magazine therefore does it need to be formal or informal? If it's supposed to be formal then some of the language is a bit informal at the moment.
Also think about how it flows. I like the way you have varied the sentence lengths to make it interesting and engaging (this will boost your mark) but there are so many it makes it a bit bitty.
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by VioletPhillippo)
Hiya,
It's a very engaging beginning to an article.
Think about what type of article it is. Is it in a newspaper or a magazine therefore does it need to be formal or informal? If it's supposed to be formal then some of the language is a bit informal at the moment.
Also think about how it flows. I like the way you have varied the sentence lengths to make it interesting and engaging (this will boost your mark) but there are so many it makes it a bit bitty.
Yeah, it is an opinion article so it is supposed to be informal. How would you improve the sentences?
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VioletPhillippo
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(Original post by Himtiaz)
Yeah, it is an opinion article so it is supposed to be informal. How would you improve the sentences?
Hiya, one of the things I would change is to try and merge the sentences that begin with but. It's not very good English to start a sentence with a connective.
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Himtiaz
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Thanks!
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