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    (Original post by scjman)
    I see. Let me know your thoughts on my story (I had many ideas for it by the way)
    Where's your story? Can I read it?
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    (Original post by Zalukor)
    Where's your story? Can I read it?
    Page 103
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    (Original post by scjman)
    Page 103
    Okay, cool, I'll let you know what I think of it.
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    (Original post by scjman)
    Page 103
    I've read the prologue and I really enjoyed it! It was very engaging and interesting, and made me eager to read on! I'll read the rest later, I'm just about to get my dinner. I'll continue reading after I've eaten.
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    (Original post by Zalukor)
    I've read the prologue and I really enjoyed it! It was very engaging and interesting, and made me eager to read on! I'll read the rest later, I'm just about to get my dinner. I'll continue reading after I've eaten.
    Ok no worries
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    Can someone give me tips on how to improve this? It is an incredibly rough first draft, and I wrote it purposely childish (monosyllabic, simple rhyme structure etc):

    Hero of War:

    I am a hero of war,
    It is evident to see,
    I have a shiny medal,
    And a scar on my left knee.

    They trained us to be comrades,
    To protect our sacred flag,
    Our reward was to come home,
    Sometimes in a body bag.

    I am a hero of war,
    I believe that I must be,
    I have a shiny medal,
    And a scar on my left knee.

    My duty was to freedom,
    My orders were to attack.
    That's why I took a hostage,
    Shoved his head inside a sack.

    I am a hero of war?
    There is not much left of me,
    Beyond my shiny medal,
    And the scar on my left knee.

    We dragged him to our camp site,
    We bound him by his wrists,
    Then I spat in his left eye,
    And I beat him with my fists.

    (I plan to add more here)

    Am I a hero of war?
    Is that really what you see?
    Naught but the shiny medal,
    And the scar on my left knee.
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    (Original post by Arkasia)
    Can someone give me tips on how to improve this? It is an incredibly rough first draft, and I wrote it purposely childish (monosyllabic, simple rhyme structure etc):

    Hero of War:

    I am a hero of war,
    It is evident to see,
    I have a shiny medal,
    And a scar on my left knee.

    They trained us to be comrades,
    To protect our sacred flag,
    Our reward was to come home,
    Sometimes in a body bag.

    I am a hero of war,
    I believe that I must be,
    I have a shiny medal,
    And a scar on my left knee.

    My duty was to freedom,
    My orders were to attack.
    That's why I took a hostage,
    Shoved his head inside a sack.

    I am a hero of war?
    There is not much left of me,
    Beyond my shiny medal,
    And the scar on my left knee.

    We dragged him to our camp site,
    We bound him by his wrists,
    Then I spat in his left eye,
    And I beat him with my fists.

    (I plan to add more here)

    Am I a hero of war?
    Is that really what you see?
    Naught but the shiny medal,
    And the scar on my left knee.
    I don't know what more to say other than this is really good! I hadn't even read your note before the poem began about it being purposely childish but as I was reading the poem I did think it came across that way, so I guess it's an achievement that you've managed to convey that kind of style without even telling the reader that was what you were aiming for (even though you did but silly me didn't read it!) I like the tone and language in this poem and especially the way you've structured your stanzas. It's like we're seeing the mental deterioration of the soldier as the scars they have are not only physical.

    Amazing poem!
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    (Original post by AquaDuck)
    I don't know what more to say other than this is really good! I hadn't even read your note before the poem began about it being purposely childish but as I was reading the poem I did think it came across that way, so I guess it's an achievement that you've managed to convey that kind of style without even telling the reader that was what you were aiming for (even though you did but silly me didn't read it!) I like the tone and language in this poem and especially the way you've structured your stanzas. It's like we're seeing the mental deterioration of the soldier as the scars they have are not only physical.

    Amazing poem!
    Cheers, you're too kind! I am going to bulk out the stanzas a bit, as I feel like the repetition of the main stanza is too frequent.
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    Anyone joining NaNoWriMo?
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    Hello all, so I'm new here and this thread sounds interesting so far. I usually write fiction/fantasy, but rarely have the time lately, which sucks, but what can you do. I also tried writing poetry but it was really bad:P

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    Probably not this year too much on


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    (Original post by loletta)
    Anyone joining NaNoWriMo?
    I'm going to attempt it, but as I'm currently doing an MPhil at Cambridge, no idea if will manage.
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    (Original post by loletta)
    Anyone joining NaNoWriMo?
    Yep. Me and a friend hope to bully each other towards success.
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    Hey there! Glad to see so many writers here.
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    (Original post by ByronicHero)
    Yep. Me and a friend hope to bully each other towards success.
    Any ideas for the story you're doing?
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    (Original post by Arkasia)
    Just seen this...what do we do, post our stuff on here?
    :dontknow: If so I would like to.
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    (Original post by Madd Taurusette)
    :dontknow: If so I would like to.
    Go ahead
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    (Original post by Arkasia)
    Can someone give me tips on how to improve this? It is an incredibly rough first draft, and I wrote it purposely childish (monosyllabic, simple rhyme structure etc):

    Hero of War:

    I am a hero of war,
    It is evident to see,
    I have a shiny medal,
    And a scar on my left knee.

    They trained us to be comrades,
    To protect our sacred flag,
    Our reward was to come home,
    Sometimes in a body bag.

    I am a hero of war,
    I believe that I must be,
    I have a shiny medal,
    And a scar on my left knee.

    My duty was to freedom,
    My orders were to attack.
    That's why I took a hostage,
    Shoved his head inside a sack.

    I am a hero of war?
    There is not much left of me,
    Beyond my shiny medal,
    And the scar on my left knee.

    We dragged him to our camp site,
    We bound him by his wrists,
    Then I spat in his left eye,
    And I beat him with my fists.

    (I plan to add more here)

    Am I a hero of war?
    Is that really what you see?
    Naught but the shiny medal,
    And the scar on my left knee.
    I don't know if you value my opinion but I think more or less punctuation could add with the rhythm of the poem. The pattern of repeating what seems like the refrain of your poem between the simplistically bleak stanzas is very nice. It's a very concise poem, not very abstract and I get your message, that war is not something you're totally supportive of :teehee:. It's a good poem; yes, add a bit more to intensify it and to support your sarcasm of such a controversial subject. :yes:
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    (Original post by Madd Taurusette)
    I don't know if you value my opinion but I think more or less punctuation could add with the rhythm of the poem. The pattern of repeating what seems like the refrain of your poem between the simplistically bleak stanzas is very nice. It's a very concise poem, not very abstract and I get your message, that war is not something you're totally supportive of :teehee:. It's a good poem; yes, add a bit more to intensify it and to support your sarcasm of such a controversial subject. :yes:
    Why would I not value your opinion? And thank you, its a work in progress, but I'll take your advice
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    (Original post by scjman)
    Any ideas for the story you're doing?
    Not really, I need to think about it. I have a few ideas I've not made use of before but I'm not sure if I want to work on any of them.
 
 
 
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