Why the earth is doomed - English Coursework Watch

Himtiaz
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This is an opinion article i wrote on celebrities. If possible cold you say how you found it and how i can improve?

Why the earth is doomed?
Curious headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Now let’s compare this to the headlines of yesterday. Blue LED is discovered. This doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. Who am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber, (which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.
People say that celebrities are real role models, that all celebrities have done something fundamental to society. Even more bizarre ideas I have heard is that celebrities don’t abuse the influence that they have & use it for places of needs e.g. Feminist rights and world hunger. These same people also say that pigs are comforting animals and unicorns are being used to move the leprechaun’s pot of gold from one end of the rainbow to the other. I know that pigs are soothing, who doesn’t enjoy a bacon sandwich with a cuppa. But the rest of these are as true as Santa or the tooth fairy. Young children will imagine them to be like gold. Perfect .Well, here is what it is really like…
When the word hero pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember the good old days when we had real role models to look up to, people who’d actually achieved something the like of Schindler or Mother Teresa, or even Freddy Mercury(If you ignore the drugs, scandals, etc.)! But the role models if the generation of the 21st century are all celebrities, who achieved nothing, except having a bigger wallet than the giant form ‘Jack and the beanstalk. What kind of example is this? Strut around on a stage, act like an idiot, and you’ll be rich enough to afford a mansion and be popular. What kind of message does this send to the younger generation of Great Britain or needless to say, the whole world. It is what some might refer to as 'the good life'. Why must a 'good life' be full of booze, going to jail and making a substandard statement?
I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body.
There are many “role models” for girls today who perhaps aren’t doing such a great job. I can imagine a 10-year-old, and many others, wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures and searching for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true: the very first picture that comes up is of this star in her underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude though thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say ¬inappropriate) areas, and multiple pictures follow of the same variety. How would you like it when you find your sister or your daughter looking at the same photos? I’m sure you will agree with me… disgusted.
But it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “High School Musical” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way Disney could manufacture those without someone saying, “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into the swimming pool …” I think Walt just flipped over in his grave.
Her eyes are enormous. She looks like a startled bird; albeit a bird with the gorgeous, flowing locks of Rapunzel, the high-pitched giggle of Tinkerbell, and a name so irritatingly Disney-fied it makes my stomach churn: Zoella. Zoe (sorry, Zoella sticks in my throat, thus onto my keyboard) is a beauty and fashion vlogger – the latest creation spat out by the YouTube machine to instruct young girls how to paint on the perfect smoky eye or red lip. I recently talked to the sensation, only to find out what a hypocrite she is. “When you’re younger you worry about so many things that you don’t need to worry about like image, appearance,” she coos to my face, without an ounce of irony in her singsong voice, as though unaware that she’s forged an entire career by prattling on to young girls about how to look good.

In other news scientists have discovered a disease worse than tuberculosis, HIV or AIDs. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever.
People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. "Authorised media hate figure" is now a valid career. Which brings me to the curious sensation I mentioned at the start. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise: they're a handy vessel. This is a noble public duty they're carrying out. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Justin Bieber, Zoella, Miley Cyrus and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.
By Hasan Imtiaz
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Chlorophile
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(Original post by Himtiaz)
This is an opinion article i wrote on celebrities. If possible cold you say how you found it and how i can improve?

Why the earth is doomed?
Curious headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Now let’s compare this to the headlines of yesterday. Blue LED is discovered. This doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. Who am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber, (which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.
People say that celebrities are real role models, that all celebrities have done something fundamental to society. Even more bizarre ideas I have heard is that celebrities don’t abuse the influence that they have & use it for places of needs e.g. Feminist rights and world hunger. These same people also say that pigs are comforting animals and unicorns are being used to move the leprechaun’s pot of gold from one end of the rainbow to the other. I know that pigs are soothing, who doesn’t enjoy a bacon sandwich with a cuppa. But the rest of these are as true as Santa or the tooth fairy. Young children will imagine them to be like gold. Perfect .Well, here is what it is really like…
When the word hero pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember the good old days when we had real role models to look up to, people who’d actually achieved something the like of Schindler or Mother Teresa, or even Freddy Mercury(If you ignore the drugs, scandals, etc.)! But the role models if the generation of the 21st century are all celebrities, who achieved nothing, except having a bigger wallet than the giant form ‘Jack and the beanstalk. What kind of example is this? Strut around on a stage, act like an idiot, and you’ll be rich enough to afford a mansion and be popular. What kind of message does this send to the younger generation of Great Britain or needless to say, the whole world. It is what some might refer to as 'the good life'. Why must a 'good life' be full of booze, going to jail and making a substandard statement?
I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body.
There are many “role models” for girls today who perhaps aren’t doing such a great job. I can imagine a 10-year-old, and many others, wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures and searching for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true: the very first picture that comes up is of this star in her underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude though thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say ¬inappropriate) areas, and multiple pictures follow of the same variety. How would you like it when you find your sister or your daughter looking at the same photos? I’m sure you will agree with me… disgusted.
But it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “High School Musical” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way Disney could manufacture those without someone saying, “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into the swimming pool …” I think Walt just flipped over in his grave.
Her eyes are enormous. She looks like a startled bird; albeit a bird with the gorgeous, flowing locks of Rapunzel, the high-pitched giggle of Tinkerbell, and a name so irritatingly Disney-fied it makes my stomach churn: Zoella. Zoe (sorry, Zoella sticks in my throat, thus onto my keyboard) is a beauty and fashion vlogger – the latest creation spat out by the YouTube machine to instruct young girls how to paint on the perfect smoky eye or red lip. I recently talked to the sensation, only to find out what a hypocrite she is. “When you’re younger you worry about so many things that you don’t need to worry about like image, appearance,” she coos to my face, without an ounce of irony in her singsong voice, as though unaware that she’s forged an entire career by prattling on to young girls about how to look good.

In other news scientists have discovered a disease worse than tuberculosis, HIV or AIDs. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever.
People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. "Authorised media hate figure" is now a valid career. Which brings me to the curious sensation I mentioned at the start. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise: they're a handy vessel. This is a noble public duty they're carrying out. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Justin Bieber, Zoella, Miley Cyrus and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.
By Hasan Imtiaz
Well if this is meant to be a piece of persuasive writing, the main criticism I'd have (apart from some grammatical errors and a few clumsy sentences) is that there's too much hyperbole. The basic point you're making is good, but you've exaggerated it to the point where it's difficult to agree with even as someone on your side. The most obvious example is where you claim that being a fan of Justin Bieber is worse than diseases that are killing millions of people which is just plain offensive. Another problem is the typo - the pedant in me is screaming that this has nothing to do with the Earth, so your argument isn't at all relevant to the title. So I'd try to tone down your argument a bit and try to appeal to reason and rationality rather than simply trying to insult your opposition as much as possible. The purpose of persuasive writing is to persuade people - do you genuinely think that a fan of Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian is going to denounce their passion after reading this? No, they'll probably run to their idol's defence and this will solidify their conviction that they're not being 'understood' or something. Another small criticism is that I'm not entirely sure it's fair comparing Zoella to Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination but I wouldn't call her a bad role model. She's a new type of celebrity but at least she's done some good things like discussing mental health and what she's doing is very innocent. That's not to say that there's nothing wrong with her and the culture she represents, but it's a minor evil in the context of this discussion.
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by Chlorophile)
Well if this is meant to be a piece of persuasive writing, the main criticism I'd have (apart from some grammatical errors and a few clumsy sentences) is that there's too much hyperbole. The basic point you're making is good, but you've exaggerated it to the point where it's difficult to agree with even as someone on your side. The most obvious example is where you claim that being a fan of Justin Bieber is worse than diseases that are killing millions of people which is just plain offensive. Another problem is the typo - the pedant in me is screaming that this has nothing to do with the Earth, so your argument isn't at all relevant to the title. So I'd try to tone down your argument a bit and try to appeal to reason and rationality rather than simply trying to insult your opposition as much as possible. The purpose of persuasive writing is to persuade people - do you genuinely think that a fan of Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian is going to denounce their passion after reading this? No, they'll probably run to their idol's defence and this will solidify their conviction that they're not being 'understood' or something. Another small criticism is that I'm not entirely sure it's fair comparing Zoella to Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination but I wouldn't call her a bad role model. She's a new type of celebrity but at least she's done some good things like discussing mental health and what she's doing is very innocent. That's not to say that there's nothing wrong with her and the culture she represents, but it's a minor evil in the context of this discussion.
It is not made to persuade but to humour
Alright so i should take out zoella change the title, but what are the grammatical errors and clumsy sentences.
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Chlorophile
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(Original post by Himtiaz)
It is not made to persuade but to humour
Alright so i should take out zoella change the title, but what are the grammatical errors and clumsy sentences.
Well I wouldn't call this humouring, it's more like mocking.

There are lots of examples, things like "I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body." That entire line doesn't make a huge amount of sense.
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by Chlorophile)
Well I wouldn't call this humouring, it's more like mocking.

There are lots of examples, things like "I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body." That entire line doesn't make a huge amount of sense.
Thanks, and finally what would be a better title for it
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(Original post by Himtiaz)
Thanks, and finally what would be a better title for it
Try to come up with something that is relevant but still dramatic. I'm not very good at being dramatic so I'm not the best person to ask! Something like "The Curse of Celebrity Culture"?
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by Chlorophile)
Try to come up with something that is relevant but still dramatic. I'm not very good at being dramatic so I'm not the best person to ask! Something like "The Curse of Celebrity Culture"?
Thanks very much!
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by Chlorophile)
Well I wouldn't call this humouring, it's more like mocking.

There are lots of examples, things like "I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body." That entire line doesn't make a huge amount of sense.

Hey there. I took your advice. I have written my controlled assessment again. I was wondering if you could look over it, maybe more improvements.

The Curse of Celebrities
There I am chillaxing with my innocent sisters flipping over channels. Unfortunately, it landed on the filthiest channel known to mankind, E!. Much to my astonishment, not only was the programme displaying indecorous pictures of Kim Kartrashian, but the fact that my siblings were interested in this nuclear mutant. This started a curious train of thought. How is the headline “Snoop arrested for DUI” more important than the horrific situations in the Middle East. Peculiar? Yes. Entertaining? Not a chance in hell! Maybe, we should compare such headlines to yesterdays “Blue LED discovered”. It doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! A very big deal indeed. Without it we wouldn’t have the technology the world needs to survive. No one recognises this heroic achievement. Yet, some people think it is more important to tell the world that Dustbin Beaver got a haircut. Who am I talking about I hear you ask. If you have an IQ above the average beleiber (which is 99.9% of the world), then I’m sure you know who. Celebrities, of course. The buffoons who just … frustrate me.
When the word ‘hero’ pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember when I was a child, shorter than Napoleon, my papa used to tell me the stories of the Great War. WWII. He and his platoon had taken down a possible fatal attack by the Deutsch; what makes his acts even more heroic that he didn’t want the fame of many. He was content with the fact that he had improved the life of the oafish teenagers in generations to come. Papa and billions of others who had sacrificed their lives for others are true role models. The celebrities of today are not! They have achieved nothing significant, apart from having a bigger wallet than Blunderbore, the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk.

However, this problem is affecting the youth, my sisters, your nieces, our generation, more than ever. It is an understatement to say that these pigs aren’t doing a great job. Let me take you through a story about a 10 year old who idolises Miley Virus. Beth was wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures, so she searches for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true; the very first picture that comes up of Stye-rus is her in underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude thought thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say inappropriate) areas, with multiple photos following of the same variety. How would you feel if your family were to espy of these images?

What’s more is that it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “Hannah Montana” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way they could manufacture those without some saying “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into a swimming pool…” Walt just flipped over in his grave.

While I’m on the subject, Kim Kartrashian earned $50 million dollars in the past year. As if you need reminding, she has no quantifiable talents. All day she floats in her home, flashing her clothes to the paparazzi, nevertheless she is earning more than the city of Newcastle. My goldfish does the same amount of work (and is more than likely smarter), but doesn’t make a penny. This is what the world is coming to! Strut around a stage, act like an idiot and you’ll be popular. They are sending a message; why does this message consist of drinking and driving, drugs and getting high. What’s worse is that the pop industry glorifies these people. People wonder why there is a violent problem within their youth. Hmph!

And then there are the trends that they start. They charge £99 for a magical anti-ageing cream. They might as well add fairy dust and deliver it with a unicorn-Pegasus hybrid. Celebrities are as useful to me as a blind guide dog to a visually impaired child. We are already jumping off the cliff to hell but they are just pushing us off.

Nonetheless, after 14 years of torture, the problems caused by celebrities have been rapidly worsening. Do you know what Katie Price and Lego have in common? They are both made out of plastic. Add a tonne of makeup of makeup, hours of Photoshop and a malnourished woman; you’ve got the cover model on every magazine. A magnifying glass has the same effect as fame: it enlarges flaws as well as qualities; the dirty pores and blackheads are there for all to see. Like a magnifying glass, fame can distort, invert, and (with the glare of publicity) focus the light into a terrible heat that burns the victims until they shrivel into nothing. Nobody would care if these people had Botox, cosmetic surgery or a breast job. The fact is that by doing this, they are creating supernatural aspirations within the adolescence of our time. Consider a world with people being proud as bulimic. Society has been tipped on its head.

As if you need reminding that the disease worse than Alzheimer or dementia is spreading. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever. The day has come to people wanting to add spider legs to their eyebrows. I am sure that society is set to fail. For instance, closet queens are taking up space for actual talent to develop. Taylor Swift? Hot. George Clooney? Hot. Justin Bieber? Hobbit. In this case we should inject pig fat into his face. I’m not saying he doesn’t have rabies or that 7/8 of the world doesn’t want to kill him. He just needs to tidy up his hair (and his life), so he can be seen as a normal beaver. Or else, he will be following in the footsteps of Hitler….

We need an alternative to these baboons. We need one now! You are saying there are… none. There are no heroes who have been recognised in the media, yet it doesn’t mean that there are none. The youth in the 20th Century had many heroes and fundamental figures to look up, and we still do. Just yesterday, there has been water discovered on Mars. Thanks to whom… scientists. We are on the verge of discovering a cure for HIV. Thanks to whom, doctors. Instead of looking up to people who dress like toys, we should look to people who are making an impact. Who are changing the world.

If you are like me, a human doing not a human being, then you are thinking right now ‘What should I do?’ I have the perfect solution. We could go all cliché & destroy all celebrities from Awkward Angelina to Zany Zayn, but I have a simpler idea. We can’t solve our problems by destroying them, so we have to act as one, we must get rid of them. Do you know how celebrities flourish? Attention. If we, as a nation, pay no more attention to these goofballs they won’t feel the need to humiliate themselves. We created them so we can destroy them! Get rid of that topless sMiley in your bedroom or the muscled Ronaldo on your keychain. It will improve the world. No negligent role models. No couch sloths. No plastic dolls. No celebrities, full stop.

Even though it is unlikely we will get rid of a celebrity system celebrities are humans, they are like Lego; we build them up only to knock them down. People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Miley Virus, Kim Kartrashian, Dustbin Beaver and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.

Fame is a bee, with a song and a sting
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