Why the earth is doomed Watch

Himtiaz
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This is an opinion article i wrote on celebrities. If possible cold you say how you found it and how i can improve?

The Curse Of Celebrities
Curious headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Now let’s compare this to the headlines of yesterday. Blue LED is discovered. This doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. Who am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber, (which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.
People say that celebrities are real role models, that all celebrities have done something fundamental to society. Even more bizarre ideas I have heard is that celebrities don’t abuse the influence that they have & use it for places of needs e.g. Feminist rights and world hunger. These same people also say that pigs are comforting animals and unicorns are being used to move the leprechaun’s pot of gold from one end of the rainbow to the other. I know that pigs are soothing, who doesn’t enjoy a bacon sandwich with a cuppa. But the rest of these are as true as Santa or the tooth fairy. Young children will imagine them to be like gold. Perfect .Well, here is what it is really like…
When the word hero pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember the good old days when we had real role models to look up to, people who’d actually achieved something the like of Schindler or Mother Teresa, or even Freddy Mercury(If you ignore the drugs, scandals, etc.)! But the role models if the generation of the 21st century are all celebrities, who achieved nothing, except having a bigger wallet than the giant form ‘Jack and the beanstalk. What kind of example is this? Strut around on a stage, act like an idiot, and you’ll be rich enough to afford a mansion and be popular. What kind of message does this send to the younger generation of Great Britain or needless to say, the whole world. It is what some might refer to as 'the good life'. Why must a 'good life' be full of booze, going to jail and making a substandard statement?
I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body.
There are many “role models” for girls today who perhaps aren’t doing such a great job. I can imagine a 10-year-old, and many others, wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures and searching for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true: the very first picture that comes up is of this star in her underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude though thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say ¬inappropriate) areas, and multiple pictures follow of the same variety. How would you like it when you find your sister or your daughter looking at the same photos? I’m sure you will agree with me… disgusted.
But it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “High School Musical” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way Disney could manufacture those without someone saying, “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into the swimming pool …” I think Walt just flipped over in his grave.
Her eyes are enormous. She looks like a startled bird; albeit a bird with the gorgeous, flowing locks of Rapunzel, the high-pitched giggle of Tinkerbell, and a name so irritatingly Disney-fied it makes my stomach churn: Zoella. Zoe (sorry, Zoella sticks in my throat, thus onto my keyboard) is a beauty and fashion vlogger – the latest creation spat out by the YouTube machine to instruct young girls how to paint on the perfect smoky eye or red lip. I recently talked to the sensation, only to find out what a hypocrite she is. “When you’re younger you worry about so many things that you don’t need to worry about like image, appearance,” she coos to my face, without an ounce of irony in her singsong voice, as though unaware that she’s forged an entire career by prattling on to young girls about how to look good.

In other news scientists have discovered a disease worse than tuberculosis, HIV or AIDs. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever.
People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. "Authorised media hate figure" is now a valid career. Which brings me to the curious sensation I mentioned at the start. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise: they're a handy vessel. This is a noble public duty they're carrying out. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Justin Bieber, Zoella, Miley Cyrus and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.
By Hasan Imtiaz
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Captain Jack
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(Original post by Himtiaz)
This is an opinion article i wrote on celebrities. If possible cold you say how you found it and how i can improve?

Why the earth is doomed?
Curious headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Now let’s compare this to the headlines of yesterday. Blue LED is discovered. This doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. Who am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber, (which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.
People say that celebrities are real role models, that all celebrities have done something fundamental to society. Even more bizarre ideas I have heard is that celebrities don’t abuse the influence that they have & use it for places of needs e.g. Feminist rights and world hunger. These same people also say that pigs are comforting animals and unicorns are being used to move the leprechaun’s pot of gold from one end of the rainbow to the other. I know that pigs are soothing, who doesn’t enjoy a bacon sandwich with a cuppa. But the rest of these are as true as Santa or the tooth fairy. Young children will imagine them to be like gold. Perfect .Well, here is what it is really like…
When the word hero pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember the good old days when we had real role models to look up to, people who’d actually achieved something the like of Schindler or Mother Teresa, or even Freddy Mercury(If you ignore the drugs, scandals, etc.)! But the role models if the generation of the 21st century are all celebrities, who achieved nothing, except having a bigger wallet than the giant form ‘Jack and the beanstalk. What kind of example is this? Strut around on a stage, act like an idiot, and you’ll be rich enough to afford a mansion and be popular. What kind of message does this send to the younger generation of Great Britain or needless to say, the whole world. It is what some might refer to as 'the good life'. Why must a 'good life' be full of booze, going to jail and making a substandard statement?
I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body.
There are many “role models” for girls today who perhaps aren’t doing such a great job. I can imagine a 10-year-old, and many others, wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures and searching for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true: the very first picture that comes up is of this star in her underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude though thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say ¬inappropriate) areas, and multiple pictures follow of the same variety. How would you like it when you find your sister or your daughter looking at the same photos? I’m sure you will agree with me… disgusted.
But it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “High School Musical” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way Disney could manufacture those without someone saying, “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into the swimming pool …” I think Walt just flipped over in his grave.
Her eyes are enormous. She looks like a startled bird; albeit a bird with the gorgeous, flowing locks of Rapunzel, the high-pitched giggle of Tinkerbell, and a name so irritatingly Disney-fied it makes my stomach churn: Zoella. Zoe (sorry, Zoella sticks in my throat, thus onto my keyboard) is a beauty and fashion vlogger – the latest creation spat out by the YouTube machine to instruct young girls how to paint on the perfect smoky eye or red lip. I recently talked to the sensation, only to find out what a hypocrite she is. “When you’re younger you worry about so many things that you don’t need to worry about like image, appearance,” she coos to my face, without an ounce of irony in her singsong voice, as though unaware that she’s forged an entire career by prattling on to young girls about how to look good.

In other news scientists have discovered a disease worse than tuberculosis, HIV or AIDs. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever.
People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. "Authorised media hate figure" is now a valid career. Which brings me to the curious sensation I mentioned at the start. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise: they're a handy vessel. This is a noble public duty they're carrying out. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Justin Bieber, Zoella, Miley Cyrus and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.
By Hasan Imtiaz
Hiya,

I did just read it. I think there is a fun, strong message in here but it does need some work. I found it hard to read. I think perhaps you need to use shorter paragraphs and make a point within each one faster, so it is punchier and faster to read.

Hope that makes sense and helps.

Jack
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by Captain Jack)
Hiya,

I did just read it. I think there is a fun, strong message in here but it does need some work. I found it hard to read. I think perhaps you need to use shorter paragraphs and make a point within each one faster, so it is punchier and faster to read.

Hope that makes sense and helps.

Jack
Could you show me how to do that?
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Captain Jack
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(Original post by Himtiaz)
Could you show me how to do that?
I can't edit the whole thing - I think it all needs to be carefully edited and rewritten to flow better.

Here's an example...

The Curse Of Celebrities
Curious headlines have hit the news today: "Bieber arrested for drunk driving", "Miley takes nude selfie", "Jennifer trips on stairs".

Curious and entertaining? Perhaps, but compare such headlines to yesterday's "Blue LED is discovered" story. Doesn't seem like such a big deal? It was largely ignored compared to the glamour of celebrity, but it is a big deal. A very big deal indeed.

Without Blue LED we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive, such as ??example??, ??example?? and ??example??. So, while the public is reading about the latest Bieber-fever arrest, it hasn't recognised this heroic discovery.


The best thing I can recommend is to work your way through and read and re-read. Watch out for repeating the same thing. Read it out loud to hear if it makes sense. Remove sentences that don't add a point. Always look to remove words and shorten every sentence. Be tough.

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Himtiaz
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The Curse Of Celebrities
Curious headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Curious and entertaining? Perhaps, but compare such headlines to yesterday's "Blue LED is discovered”. Doesn't seem like such a big deal? A very big deal indeed. But it is! It was largely ignored compared to the glamour of celebrity. Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. What am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber, (which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.

People say that celebrities are real role models, that all celebrities have done something fundamental to society. Even more bizarre ideas I have heard is that celebrities don’t abuse the influence that they have & use it for places of needs e.g. Feminist rights and world hunger. These same people also say that pigs are comforting animals and unicorns are being used to move the leprechaun’s pot of gold from one end of the rainbow to the other. I know that pigs are soothing, who doesn’t enjoy a bacon sandwich with a cuppa. But the rest of these are as true as Santa or the tooth fairy. Young children will imagine them to be like gold. Perfect .Well, here is what it is really like…

When the word hero pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember the good old days when we had real role models to look up to, people who’d actually achieved something the like of Schindler or Mother Teresa, or even Freddy Mercury(If you ignore the drugs, scandals, etc.)! But the role models if the generation of the 21st century are all celebrities, who achieved nothing, except having a bigger wallet than the giant form ‘Jack and the beanstalk. What kind of example is this? Strut around on a stage, act like an idiot, and you’ll be rich enough to afford a mansion and be popular. What kind of message does this send to the younger generation of Great Britain or needless to say, the whole world. It is what some might refer to as 'the good life'. Why must a 'good life' be full of booze, going to jail and making a substandard statement?

I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body.

There are many “role models” for girls today who perhaps aren’t doing such a great job. I can imagine a 10-year-old, and many others, wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures and searching for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true: the very first picture that comes up is of this star in her underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude though thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say *inappropriate) areas, and multiple pictures follow of the same variety. How would you like it when you find your sister or your daughter looking at the same photos? I’m sure you will agree with me… disgusted.
But it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “High School Musical” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way Disney could manufacture those without someone saying, “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into the swimming pool …” I think Walt just flipped over in his grave.

Her eyes are enormous. She looks like a startled bird; albeit a bird with the gorgeous, flowing locks of Rapunzel, the high-pitched giggle of Tinkerbell, and a name so irritatingly Disney-fied it makes my stomach churn: Zoella. Zoe (sorry, Zoella sticks in my throat, thus onto my keyboard) is a beauty and fashion vlogger – the latest creation spat out by the YouTube machine to instruct young girls how to paint on the perfect smoky eye or red lip. I recently talked to the sensation, only to find out what a hypocrite she is. “When you’re younger you worry about so many things that you don’t need to worry about like image or like appearance,” she coos to my face, without ,like ,an ounce of irony in her singsong voice, as though unaware that she’s forged an entire career by prattling on to young girls about how to look good.

In other news scientists have discovered a disease worse than tuberculosis, HIV or AIDs. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever.
People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. "Authorised media hate figure" is now a valid career. Which brings me to the curious sensation I mentioned at the start. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise: they're a handy vessel. This is a noble public duty they're carrying out. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Justin Bieber, Zoella, Miley Cyrus and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.
By Hasan Imtiaz
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ions
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Sorry it's not in depth, but one little thing I noticed is that you overused the word 'but' in the first couple of paragraphs.
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Himtiaz
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(Original post by ions)
Sorry it's not in depth, but one little thing I noticed is that you overused the word 'but' in the first couple of paragraphs.
Yeah, i have changed that. what do you mean not in depth. How do i add depth to this?
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