I feel like a horrible misogynist and don't know what to do Watch
I'm a 23 year old male, recently graduated from University and working in a decent 9-5 job.
I've got a bleeding disorder that hasn't made life too hard, but it's made getting treatment for my horribly misaligned teeth VERY difficult. I'm in the process of organising orthodontist appointments, but due to the complexities of my condition, progress is VERY slow. As a result, I'm not anticipating decent teeth for a good 3-4 years.
I went to all-boys schools for most of my school life (for 9 out of 13 years, in fact, and the rest were all before high school), surprisingly enough ended up making largely guy friends. Also, my degree is in Engineering, and naturally the course had very few girls. Finally, my current job is in a 95% male-dominated environment.
At one point in University, I fell for a girl who didn't feel the same way about me. I took that experience pretty damn horribly to be honest, and embarrassing as it sounds, it scarred me for life.
What made the above experience worse was seeing the girl pay far more attention to a friend of mine (I say friend, but I don't really regard him as one anymore). This friend always seemed to me like the really socially manipulative type - the fact that he's 6 foot 8 and pretty good looking doesn't help his cause. Generally, he's always been more popular with our friends than I've been - they definitely all like and talk to him more, anyway. Throughout University, I've felt like I was in this guy's shadow. Even though I graduated, I think I still am. In fact, recently, the girl I liked wanted both my friend and I to hang out with her, but my friend backed out, and because of this, the girl didn't even want to hang out with ME anymore.
During University, after being trapped in sausage fests for the vast majority of my life up to that point, I was always interested in getting to know girls in more ways than one, if you catch my drift. The thing is, because of my male-dominated social circles, each girl was always surrounded by 5 guys, and I always felt the guys were better looking than me. Honestly, I still don't think girls really want to pay much attention to me largely because of my fugly teeth. At the very least, I don't place much hope in getting dates or anything like that.
This is probably where things get a bit darker. As my sexual desire increased quite a bit during University (probably because of all the hot girls walking around), eventually, it hit me that I could probably pay people to help me out. I started exploring sites I probably should never have known about, ever, and started going for....erotic massages (generally body-to-body, with happy endings) as opposed to sex.
This one time, though, I ended up having sex with a prostitute. That's how I lost my virginity, sad and disgusting as it may sound. The thing is. I can't make any apologies for it, because, honestly....I freaking loved it.
I still have erotic massages every now and then, although I haven't been since a particularly bad experience last month. This is despite knowing that in the rare chance that I meet a girl who actually likes me, she will, with 99% certainty, get the hell away from me knowing that I've seen erotic masseuses and even a prostitute once.
Right now, I could be less bothered about that, though, because I'm stuck on step freaking 1: I can't figure out the whole relationship stuff to save my life. To make up for my work/uni environments in the past, I've tried online dating, but I've never really gotten anywhere.
This is where the misogyny probably kicks in: I feel really freaking jealous of girls on OKCupid! Like, they have to put zero effort into their profiles and they basically pick and choose who their message, while I have to play the numbers game. Honestly, there's a real-life parallel there: Remember the 5:1 guy:girl ratio I was talking about earlier? I wish I could have that kindof...POWER. The ability to just sit back and watch people fight over my attention. I really want that.
Now that I mention this...I feel that way about couples too. I'm jealous because they seem to have this kind of social power than I'm really jealous of. Like, when guys mention their girlfriend to me in passing, or ESPECIALLY girls mention their boyfriend, part of me gets inflamed with horrible jealousy.
Oh, also, carrying on the jealousy theme, I can't stand being around people better looking than me (which is 90% of people...welp). And, this is the weirdest thing in the world, but I especially don't like being around really objectionally-attractive women. They seem to have so much goddamn POWER to me, even though I know there's all sorts of **** going on in their lives behind the scenes. They get all the attention from friends, supervisors and colleagues alike, and I'm just left in the shadows, because come on, who wants to talk to an ugly guy, ever?
Finally, there's the part of me that wants to make more friends, but groups on MeetUp seem really forced. In addition, all the social groups that I would like to be part of are dominated by the friend I talked about earlier: The really popular yet socially manipulative one who everyone loves for some reason, even though he never spouts anything more intelligent than a few ****ing dumb catchphrases.
Soo that's my life situation in a nutshell.
TL;DR: I may be a creep to women now (for a variety of reasons, such as: barely being around them, having awful teeth and losing my virginity to a prostitute), I am INSANELY jealous of attractive people, especially women, as well as my friends (I haven't mentioned those who have better jobs than myself, by the way) and don't have many friends but don't want to interact with this one friend ever again, and as such, am at a complete loss in my life socially.
Apart from just venting, I just want to ask: Exactly how horrible am I? Can I ever redeem myself? And can I ever get out of this social rut I'm in?
I also cannot understand why you think you're a misogynist.
Plenty of women choose to do sex work. It's the oldest profession around
You've done nothing wrong.
In terms of misogyny - I don't think you're attitude to women is healthy. It's made worse by this idea that because you have been surrounding by men most of you're life, you somehow can't functionally interact with a woman. It'll take some time but seriously, just stop looking at women as some alien species, if you treat people with respect, you generally tend to have an easier time dealing with them.
Deal with your problems first, before thinking about relationships. Relationships won't solve your internal issues.
I ****ed up my life by failing university due to anxiety issues. I'm 23 living with my mum and working a dull job. I'll never amount to anything.
Girls came on to me in uni but i never did anything about it because the kids who used to bully me said that girls are not for me, and that i'll never get a woman like they did so easily.
Not a day goes by when i don't regret how much i pissed my lfie away