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Boyf has changed completely but i still love him watch

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    I've been going out with my current boyf for 2 years now. We were best mates for months before getting together. He always used to make me laugh, was always the clown of his mates and enjoyed a good night out. But more recently he's become, for no reason at all, more possessive over me. He doesn't like going out with our mates anymore, he likes us staying in together. He is demanding a lot more sex and gets angry with me when he has a drink and shouts abuse at me when i try to calm him down. This is so out of character for him. I try to ask him if every thing is ok but he only speaks to me when he wants sex, when he's drunk or when he tells me what to do. he was once the perfect the boys. what do i do?

    the other day in a drunken chat, he told me he wants a baby. but a baby can't possibly make him any better.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been going out with my current boyf for 2 years now. We were best mates for months before getting together. He always used to make me laugh, was always the clown of his mates and enjoyed a good night out. But more recently he's become, for no reason at all, more possessive over me. He doesn't like going out with our mates anymore, he likes us staying in together. He is demanding a lot more sex and gets angry with me when he has a drink and shouts abuse at me when i try to calm him down. This is so out of character for him. I try to ask him if every thing is ok but he only speaks to me when he wants sex, when he's drunk or when he tells me what to do. he was once the perfect the boys. what do i do?

    the other day in a drunken chat, he told me he wants a baby. but a baby can't possibly make him any better.
    I wonder what has suddenly made him change like this because it is not healthy the way he is acting and certainly a baby as you say will not be a good thing now. I would have a serious talk with him when he is calm and find out why all of a sudden he has become so angry and possessive, but if he snaps then maybe you will have to start questioning the relationship and whether it is it worth it, it's sad but you cannot be with someone who is being verbally abusive towards you and controlling you.
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    A thought:

    What brings someone to be able to type out completely full sentences without the use of any contractions of 'textspeak', for every word in a paragraph except 'boyfriend' - which they feel compulsively bound to call a 'boyf'? :moon:



    Anyway, maybe something's up that he hasn't mentioned. Are you sure he was 'perfect', though? Very easy to see someone as being an angel when you like them and don't want to think otherwise, until they eventually turn their behaviour back onto you and the veil is lifted.
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    (Original post by Friar Chris)
    A thought:

    What brings someone to be able to type out completely full sentences without the use of any contractions of 'textspeak', for every word in a paragraph except 'boyfriend' - which they feel compulsively bound to call a 'boyf'? :moon:

    Random thing to point out…



    Anyway, maybe something's up that he hasn't mentioned. Are you sure he was 'perfect', though? Very easy to see someone as being an angel when you like them and don't want to think otherwise, until they eventually turn their behaviour back onto you and the veil is lifted.
    We were great before any of this happened. Seriously. We used to go on little trips together, go out every week with our mates, buy little gifts for each other and have play fights like little idiots. I've asked him if he's having any second doubts about our relationship and the reply i get is horrible. he hates when i even talk about splitting up. In anger he will sometimes cry because of how much he loves me and just wants me to himself. I am so confused and lost. He was my world but recently i'm so down. I want things to go back to the way they were. And a baby?
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    I wonder what has suddenly made him change like this because it is not healthy the way he is acting and certainly a baby as you say will not be a good thing now. I would have a serious talk with him when he is calm and find out why all of a sudden he has become so angry and possessive, but if he snaps then maybe you will have to start questioning the relationship and whether it is it worth it, it's sad but you cannot be with someone who is being verbally abusive towards you and controlling you.
    Your right it isn't healthy, but i feel like he's so unsteady at the moment that I just need to stand by him because at the end of the day he's my best mate and my love. But i don't know how long this can go on. It's more or less a complete personality change. I'm worried with how much he's drinking in the house as well. Don't get me wrong he still sees his/our mates for drinks but i'm not allowed to go out because he doesn't trust other men around me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Your right it isn't healthy, but i feel like he's so unsteady at the moment that I just need to stand by him because at the end of the day he's my best mate and my love. But i don't know how long this can go on. It's more or less a complete personality change. I'm worried with how much he's drinking in the house as well. Don't get me wrong he still sees his/our mates for drinks but i'm not allowed to go out because he doesn't trust other men around me.
    I wonder what's making him unsteady, is it because he's drinking so much, but then again what is driving him to drink. You should not be forced to live like that i.e. him demanding sex and telling you how to live your life. You should still be allowed to live your own life and have friends, he is being completely unreasonable and sooner or later it is going to damage your health and other things further for you, it will completely destroy you, I know what it's like I have been there unfortunately had a controlling girlfriend etc.
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    Time to call it a day. I don't think people change much deep down. It's just that he's now showing his true colours.

    There's no ( happy) future for you with a man who is possessive, controlling. It sounds as though he was on his best behaviour before but now he thinks he has you where he wants you, his bullying ways are coming to the fore. He sounds very selfish.

    Don't be like a friend of mine whose boyfriend changed over night as soon as they were married. It took her nearly 10 years ( and 3 children) to escape an abusive relationship.

    Be thankful he has revealed his character to you before you are married to him or have children with him. Go and go quickly.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been going out with my current boyf for 2 years now. We were best mates for months before getting together. He always used to make me laugh, was always the clown of his mates and enjoyed a good night out. But more recently he's become, for no reason at all, more possessive over me. He doesn't like going out with our mates anymore, he likes us staying in together. He is demanding a lot more sex and gets angry with me when he has a drink and shouts abuse at me when i try to calm him down. This is so out of character for him. I try to ask him if every thing is ok but he only speaks to me when he wants sex, when he's drunk or when he tells me what to do. he was once the perfect the boys. what do i do?

    the other day in a drunken chat, he told me he wants a baby. but a baby can't possibly make him any better.
    Previously being a laugh doesn't justify his behaviour. Tell him you're unhappy, and if he's not willing to work at it, you've got to get out fo there.
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    (Original post by pickup)
    Time to call it a day. I don't think people change much deep down. It's just that he's now showing his true colours.

    There's no ( happy) future for you with a man who is possessive, controlling. It sounds as though he was on his best behaviour before but now he thinks he has you where he wants you, his bullying ways are coming to the fore. He sounds very selfish.

    Don't be like a friend of mine whose boyfriend changed over night as soon as they were married. It took her nearly 10 years ( and 3 children) to escape an abusive relationship.

    Be thankful he has revealed his character to you before you are married to him or have children with him. Go and go quickly.

    To an extent, it kills me to say that I agree with you but I still love him. How do you end a long term relationship with someone that you still love despite all this? I get the sense that he's suffering and I need to be there for him. It's so out of character that i feel compelled to stay and help.
    He's only been like this for the last 4-5 months? Do I hold out any longer and get either a family member or close mate to speak to him?
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    lol, don't have a baby. What a stupid suggestion.
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    Previously being a laugh doesn't justify his behaviour. Tell him you're unhappy, and if he's not willing to work at it, you've got to get out fo there.
    This is where i think the core of the problem is and you've hit the nail on the head. I'm not really upset yet, more confused but if and when it gets to the stage when i do start to feel unhappy, i feel as though I won't like his reaction when i tell him.

    How can my long term boyfriend of 2 DAMN WHOLE YEARS go from this one great loving guy to this???
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    I wonder what's making him unsteady, is it because he's drinking so much, but then again what is driving him to drink. You should not be forced to live like that i.e. him demanding sex and telling you how to live your life. You should still be allowed to live your own life and have friends, he is being completely unreasonable and sooner or later it is going to damage your health and other things further for you, it will completely destroy you, I know what it's like I have been there unfortunately had a controlling girlfriend etc.
    Him wanting more sex is him wanting to try for a baby… which isn't going to happen. We also have the same group of friends which makes things awkward. They come over to ours but if we all go out together, i'm either not allowed to drink too much or have to go home early with him because he (only recently has started to become more jealous of other men talking to me)!!!
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    (Original post by SnoochToTheBooch)
    lol, don't have a baby. What a stupid suggestion.
    no no…i know…don't worry i'm putting my foot down on that one.
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    Oh dear - the last thing you should do is have a baby with this man. He wants one to tie you to him . He obviously isn't confident that the relationship is strong enough on its own.

    He's 'changed' because you just didn't know him well enough before. Just because you've gone out with someone for a couple of years, it doesn't mean you know them.

    You don't love this man - this is why you are complaining about his treatment of you etc. You love your idea of what he is - a very different thing.

    Have you discussed you working, children's education, having your elderly parents to live with you, religion, politics? Do you actually know anything good about him? Is he generous with his money? Does he help his elderly relatives? What's his relationship like with his family?
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    Oh man - what a tough situation!

    Here's another perspective for you:

    it sounds likes he's recently realised how much you mean to him - you are quite possibly his whole world right now, and his weird behaviour is because he's absolutely terrified of losing you. This can definitely happen! I'm not entirely sure what the best course to take is though. In theory, if you were happy to approach the conversation with this kind of thinking in mind, you might be able to do enough to reassure him that you're still totally committed and aren't interested in anyone else. Let him know that you're there for him, unconditionally etc etc. That you're hopefully going to have plenty of time to think about babies later so forget it for now.

    To supplement this, it's definitely worth trying to get him out into the world again with his own friends and social circles - sometimes when we get too invested in our partners, we can let the rest slip away and it's hard to get back once the relationship goes sour. What happened 4-5 months ago? Did he graduate college or switch jobs or something along those lines?

    In summary, I definitely don't think this is a death knell for you guys and definitely believe you can work it out and be happy with some good communication and openness. Good luck!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been going out with my current boyf for 2 years now. We were best mates for months before getting together. He always used to make me laugh, was always the clown of his mates and enjoyed a good night out. But more recently he's become, for no reason at all, more possessive over me. He doesn't like going out with our mates anymore, he likes us staying in together. He is demanding a lot more sex and gets angry with me when he has a drink and shouts abuse at me when i try to calm him down. This is so out of character for him. I try to ask him if every thing is ok but he only speaks to me when he wants sex, when he's drunk or when he tells me what to do. he was once the perfect the boys. what do i do?

    the other day in a drunken chat, he told me he wants a baby. but a baby can't possibly make him any better.
    Did something happen? Because both I and she suffered family tragedies just before we were separated by me going to another country to live for a year.

    I went a bit mental for a while and when I came back I was a **** to my girlfriend just the same (not demanding sex - I tend to be more of an avoidant - though I did get ratty with her when I had had a drink. This not due to possessiveness - again, I am avoidant - but more her profligacy and excessive socialising, see below for more).

    Interestingly all this is on the same 2 year timescale as you and we also had the "best mates" (read messing around sexually) for months before getting together.

    Now a year later we are both busy and stressed, things are not hugely fun and a bit stale/boring sometimes, but that's because of external pressures. Within our relationship we are kind, considerate, supportive, understanding of each other's perspectives, and in my view more in love than ever.

    As for him always wanting to stay in, even after our relationship got back on track I am still having problems on the friends front with intimacy and socialising, a lot of social events for me right now feel like chores. Having no money or time doesn't help matters but I'm sure it's deeper than that. I often feel like I haven't made a proper connection with any friend since my teens and I am constantly worried about the economy, getting a job etc and not great at taking care of myself either. I suppose this is depression really.

    As for the baby thing that is interesting, my girlfriend is older than me and starting her career and there has been a lot of theoretical, semi-serious talk lately about our attitudes towards having kids, reconciling this with careers, the fertility time limit etc. Maybe it's natural after a couple of years in a relationship to start hankering after a baby, if this was caveman times after all you would be starting to get a bit worried by this point about whether this woman was barren.

    In summary I don't have any easy answers for you but it's somewhat heartening to see someone in the same boat. I hope you weather the storm and come out of it together. My experience has been that we are not fighting any more but there is still a pervasive dissatisfaction. I don't know if this is:
    1. due to external pressures, which would mean we just have to sit tight and possibly get some anti-anxiety pills,
    2. a natural extension of people's individual ennui to encompass us both, which would imply our relationship is actually very close and healthy!!,
    3. a fundamental problem with our compatibility,
    4. a natural consequence of a relationship that goes on too long without having babies, or
    5. I am just mental
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been going out with my current boyf for 2 years now. We were best mates for months before getting together. He always used to make me laugh, was always the clown of his mates and enjoyed a good night out. But more recently he's become, for no reason at all, more possessive over me. He doesn't like going out with our mates anymore, he likes us staying in together. He is demanding a lot more sex and gets angry with me when he has a drink and shouts abuse at me when i try to calm him down. This is so out of character for him. I try to ask him if every thing is ok but he only speaks to me when he wants sex, when he's drunk or when he tells me what to do. he was once the perfect the boys. what do i do?

    the other day in a drunken chat, he told me he wants a baby. but a baby can't possibly make him any better.
    It's easy to think that someone is perfect, class them as your world and revolve your life around them. I know this from experience haha. People eventually show their true colours and it just seems like you're better off without this one. The drinking is an issue, but it's not your issue to deal with. You're young and don't need the extra stress and hassle on you whilst dealing with your own life. Alcohol just heightens people's personalities and if he can do this to you, is it even worth considering dragging a baby into the mix?

    Only you know how you really feel about him, just don't let your love cloud your judgement over what you deserve.
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    (Original post by pickup)
    Time to call it a day. I don't think people change much deep down. It's just that he's now showing his true colours.

    There's no ( happy) future for you with a man who is possessive, controlling. It sounds as though he was on his best behaviour before but now he thinks he has you where he wants you, his bullying ways are coming to the fore. He sounds very selfish.

    Don't be like a friend of mine whose boyfriend changed over night as soon as they were married. It took her nearly 10 years ( and 3 children) to escape an abusive relationship.

    Be thankful he has revealed his character to you before you are married to him or have children with him. Go and go quickly.

    (Original post by pickup)
    Oh dear - the last thing you should do is have a baby with this man. He wants one to tie you to him . He obviously isn't confident that the relationship is strong enough on its own.

    He's 'changed' because you just didn't know him well enough before. Just because you've gone out with someone for a couple of years, it doesn't mean you know them.

    You don't love this man - this is why you are complaining about his treatment of you etc. You love your idea of what he is - a very different thing.

    Have you discussed you working, children's education, having your elderly parents to live with you, religion, politics? Do you actually know anything good about him? Is he generous with his money? Does he help his elderly relatives? What's his relationship like with his family?
    This person knows the score, OP. Said everything I wanted to say (the bold) and more.
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    Love him... from a distance. Just because you love him does not mean you have to stay with him. What's happening looks like a typical progression of domestic abuse toward a woman from a man. First he is sweet and great and you fall for him, love him a lot. Then he gradually but steadily starts to become more abusive, and you feel that since you love him you somehow have this responsibility to 'rescue him from himself' and so you feel its the right thing to do to stay with him, not knowing that by staying you're putting yourself in a situation which will very likely become more and more volatile till you eventually leave, he goes to jail or someone is killed. The window for you getting out of the situation is small. If I were you i'd get out running and move on. And don't have a baby with him, that could get super messy.

    Watch this video, it's really relevant : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo
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    It just so happens that we spoke last night. He told me there's something wrong with him and that he needs help. We cried together held one another and kissed like the old times. He needs my help and I felt like I've exaggerated this all. He was crying out for me and all I cared about was how I feeling in this relationship. He's so confused right now that all he wants is things that make him happy I.e. Me, sex and our future (the baby). I feel so **** at the moment for not pestering him about what was wrong. He's drinking to forget something, what I don't know. I really appreciate everyone's advice and tips, it's given me some food for thought but for now I need to stand up and be the partner he deserves and loves.
 
 
 
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