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Reassurance/advice needed - problems with younger brother
Basically, I'm the oldest of 4 kids (I'm a girl), been at uni for 2 years and have just started my 3rd year. I get on fine with the youngest 2 of my siblings (15 and 14) but me and the brother just below me, (let's call him S) really don't ever get on.
Now I admit, in the past, a lot of the tension has come from me, but since I've been at uni I've changed a lot and realised that other people have awesome relationships with their siblings, so why can't I?
Basically whenever I came home from uni in the past 2 years, I'd try my best to get on with S, but it would always end up with an argument, because he just grates on me so badly, no matter how much I try.
He is nearly 18, thinks he's mature but really isn't. He's very arrogant because he's one of the 'clever but cool and good looking' kids at school. He treats our home like a hotel, he is never in at weekends and when he is in he expects to be fed and watered by my mum, who he treats like crap, shouting at her if tea isn't the right meal (for example we had chicken tikka and he refused to eat it, saying curry wasn't summer food!!). He won't get a job because he says he's too busy with sport and socialising, yet he demands money on a regular basis from my parents who give it to him and expects them to be his taxi service. They rarely ever say no to driving him wherever he wants to go.
Maybe I'm bitter because I went through the whole of 6th form with a job, working really hard to save money the summer before uni, whereas he has absolutely no savings whatsoever and expects my parents just to give it to him, which they undoubtedly will. He's living in his own little world and he is the centre of it all.
This summer all these tensions came to a head. There was a big argument and I ended up in floods of tears. All I want is to have a decent relationship with my younger brother, is that too much to ask?? I've tried my best to be friendly, offer help and advice, but I just feel like he hates me because I worked hard at school and am now doing well at uni and have lots of mates.
I've now given up on even trying to get on with him and just either leave the room when he's there or ignore him, even though I hate doing this it's the only way to live in the same house with him without there being an argument. I'm thinking I'll just waits until he goes to uni and realises he's not the centre of the universe, but is this the right thing to do?
Anyone else have a similar situation to me?
Thanks to anyone who read through this, and any help that can be offered would be greatfully received. I think about this issue all the time and it really upsets me. I just want us to get along.
Now I admit, in the past, a lot of the tension has come from me, but since I've been at uni I've changed a lot and realised that other people have awesome relationships with their siblings, so why can't I?
Basically whenever I came home from uni in the past 2 years, I'd try my best to get on with S, but it would always end up with an argument, because he just grates on me so badly, no matter how much I try.
He is nearly 18, thinks he's mature but really isn't. He's very arrogant because he's one of the 'clever but cool and good looking' kids at school. He treats our home like a hotel, he is never in at weekends and when he is in he expects to be fed and watered by my mum, who he treats like crap, shouting at her if tea isn't the right meal (for example we had chicken tikka and he refused to eat it, saying curry wasn't summer food!!). He won't get a job because he says he's too busy with sport and socialising, yet he demands money on a regular basis from my parents who give it to him and expects them to be his taxi service. They rarely ever say no to driving him wherever he wants to go.
Maybe I'm bitter because I went through the whole of 6th form with a job, working really hard to save money the summer before uni, whereas he has absolutely no savings whatsoever and expects my parents just to give it to him, which they undoubtedly will. He's living in his own little world and he is the centre of it all.
This summer all these tensions came to a head. There was a big argument and I ended up in floods of tears. All I want is to have a decent relationship with my younger brother, is that too much to ask?? I've tried my best to be friendly, offer help and advice, but I just feel like he hates me because I worked hard at school and am now doing well at uni and have lots of mates.
I've now given up on even trying to get on with him and just either leave the room when he's there or ignore him, even though I hate doing this it's the only way to live in the same house with him without there being an argument. I'm thinking I'll just waits until he goes to uni and realises he's not the centre of the universe, but is this the right thing to do?
Anyone else have a similar situation to me?
Thanks to anyone who read through this, and any help that can be offered would be greatfully received. I think about this issue all the time and it really upsets me. I just want us to get along.
You sound like me and my brothers.
My older brother was the apple of my dads until i came along and he got dropped like a brick.
Same happened with my little brother and me. As well as a lot of other stuff that i dont want to go into. But my older brother always felt i was a freeloader but i had to be in order to leave home for university (i think its because he didnt leave home)
So we have been pretty doomed to hate each other from the outset.
Recently my older bro has been in contact saying he wants to reconcile with both of us younguns. But its hard because ive just started a MSc at Leeds , and my little brother is resitting his A-levels so is studying a lot.
It doesnt sound like there is anything wrong with you at all, but you might want to cut him a little slack once in a while, he is immature and has a lot of growing up to do, but some people do develop much later on.
What about the younger siblings? Hows the relationship effecting your life with them?
My older brother was the apple of my dads until i came along and he got dropped like a brick.
Same happened with my little brother and me. As well as a lot of other stuff that i dont want to go into. But my older brother always felt i was a freeloader but i had to be in order to leave home for university (i think its because he didnt leave home)
So we have been pretty doomed to hate each other from the outset.
Recently my older bro has been in contact saying he wants to reconcile with both of us younguns. But its hard because ive just started a MSc at Leeds , and my little brother is resitting his A-levels so is studying a lot.
It doesnt sound like there is anything wrong with you at all, but you might want to cut him a little slack once in a while, he is immature and has a lot of growing up to do, but some people do develop much later on.
What about the younger siblings? Hows the relationship effecting your life with them?
Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not the only one ou there who has problems.
I have a really good relationship with my other siblings, we have a laugh together and are affectionate towards each other, but that's just not possible with S. I have to say he is the one in the family who is always involved with arguments, no matter who they are between. He just seems to know how to get under everyone's skin.
What I really hate is that my mum makes excuses for him "he's just a teenage boy" but in my eyes, being a teenager is rarely an excuse. I never behaved like he does sometimes.
Argh.
But thatnks for making me feel like it will get better. One day, anyway.
I have a really good relationship with my other siblings, we have a laugh together and are affectionate towards each other, but that's just not possible with S. I have to say he is the one in the family who is always involved with arguments, no matter who they are between. He just seems to know how to get under everyone's skin.
What I really hate is that my mum makes excuses for him "he's just a teenage boy" but in my eyes, being a teenager is rarely an excuse. I never behaved like he does sometimes.
Argh.
But thatnks for making me feel like it will get better. One day, anyway.
I really really know where your coming from with your mum making excuses!
When my little brother first went to college, he chose the college he wanted, and spent the entire time playing on the computer and going to see friends, getting drunk, stoned. So he failed miserably in his AS levels (nothing over a E).
Short story hes at a new college and has done exactly the same thing. Mum says it because hes the only child in the house and she spoils him rotten, blaming a lot of our problems on my parents very messy divorce.
He can do no wrong as far as shes concerned which makes me really resent him to a massive extent, since i was the good child and always did my work, went to uni, did good, and wants to actually learn things as well as have a good social life!
But it would appear that time will actually heal the rift that is there. He should realise that he was a little $hit to the family.
When my little brother first went to college, he chose the college he wanted, and spent the entire time playing on the computer and going to see friends, getting drunk, stoned. So he failed miserably in his AS levels (nothing over a E).
Short story hes at a new college and has done exactly the same thing. Mum says it because hes the only child in the house and she spoils him rotten, blaming a lot of our problems on my parents very messy divorce.
He can do no wrong as far as shes concerned which makes me really resent him to a massive extent, since i was the good child and always did my work, went to uni, did good, and wants to actually learn things as well as have a good social life!
But it would appear that time will actually heal the rift that is there. He should realise that he was a little $hit to the family.
Thanks.
But what do you think I should do in te meantime while I'm waiting for him to grow up? Keep trying to make an effort or just ignore him until he realises he's been a knob?
You said that a lot of the tension prior to moving away to uni came from you. You've obvivously been through an experience which has changed you, but your brother hasn't - I don't think that you can go back and say, 'I've been at uni and changed, and I've decided that we're going to be friends' and expect him to fall in line (although, it would be nice if he would), because HE hasn't had the perspective change that you've been through. He may feel resentment towards you for your relationship prior to your leaving for uni, he may be unwilling to forgive you (for now), or something else. I don't think this means that you're never going to have a good relationship with him though - once he leaves for uni, he may change too. Just give it time - you can't expect him to change just because you have.
Talk to your parents about the double standards that you (quite rightly) feel you're experiencing. If their attitude towards him changes, he may be able to better understand where you're coming from and your relationship with him may gradually improve...just don't expect instant results
Anonymous
Thanks.
But what do you think I should do in te meantime while I'm waiting for him to grow up? Keep trying to make an effort or just ignore him until he realises he's been a knob?
Thanks.
But what do you think I should do in te meantime while I'm waiting for him to grow up? Keep trying to make an effort or just ignore him until he realises he's been a knob?
Making an effort never really hurts so yea i would, that might actually speed up the process of him not being such a knob. Its always a good idea to be civil even when he is being completly intolerable. I really hate it when people start shouting because you can never solve anything that way.
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