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My family are so mad at me for not spending Christmas with them

Okay here is the story.. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we are both 23. We recently moved 6 hours away from our families because I was going back to university (I had taken several years off due to ill heal and personal problems) and he has taken a job and moved with me. This Christmas, unfortunately, he is working until 10 pm Christmas eve and is back in again at 7 am boxing day. He has moved away from the home he has known all his life and from all his friends and family to be with me so of course there is no way I can go and see my family and leave him on his own on Christmas day. To compensate for this, or at least try, I have gone down to see my mum for a week just before Christmas so I can at least spend some of the festive period with her (organised and paid for by my boyfriend). My other siblings however, won't be going to my mum's, where my family are celebrating christmas, until late Christmas eve and so I won't be seeing them. My siblings (25 year old brother, 21 year old brother and 18 year old sister) are furious with me, they all agree I am choosing my boyfriend over my family and that I am ruining Christmas for all of them. My younger brother has called my boyfriend selfish for not driving me down to my family on Christmas eve after work and driving back for work 7 am boxing day (he's also working 14 hour shifts the week if Christmas and the drive to my mother's is 6 hours, so that would make this even more impossible). They are all in agreement that if he cared about me at all then he would drive down or phone in sick or something. I am constantly being reminded that this may be my elderly grandmothers last Christmas, which is very probable, which is very upsetting. I don't know how to approach this. Firstly, am I right in seeing them as the unreasonable ones or is it me? And how can I stop my brother and sister from hating me for this?



As I side note, my mother herself, although very upset I won't be with the rest of them on Christmas day, is very understanding.
(edited 9 years ago)

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Actions have consequences is all I can say.
Reply 2
Original post by Anonynous
Actions have consequences is all I can say.

Can you elaborate?
Original post by JESSHOLMES
Can you elaborate?


no
you will have to choose. go with family. relationships come and go bit family stays. it wont look good for you if next year you have broken up with your current bf and go over there. they will say "i told you so" and you wont be able to live it down for a long time. i think as you see your bf every day, it would be more sensible to see your siblings, parents and especially grandmother. but hey thats just my opinion and advice which i will impart upon you. "The choice is yours...."
Tbh it's your life. You do what will make you happy.
Do what makes you happy, it's your life, your family will be mad but they can't make decisions for you.

If you wanna spend Christmas day with your boyfriend then do it, your siblings will probably get over this.
Original post by anonymouspie227
Tbh it's your life. You do what will make you happy.



Terrible advice.
Reply 8
Original post by donutellme
Terrible advice.


Why is it?
Original post by donutellme
Terrible advice.


Not really, it is her life. She should put herself first. Plus it's just Christmas. Its on every year.
Original post by JESSHOLMES
Why is it?


Original post by anonymouspie227
Not really, it is her life. She should put herself first. Plus it's just Christmas. Its on every year.



I will answer tomorrow if that's okay.
Your siblings are being unreasonably. Let them complain, they'll get over it.

Your boyfriend, like you said, left behind his family and friends for you and you are considering having him spend Christmas on his own?
Considering the sacrifices your boyfriend had made for you, you certainly shouldn't leave him alone on Christmas.
How long will he be working for on Christmas day?
Reply 13
Original post by joker12345
Considering the sacrifices your boyfriend had made for you, you certainly shouldn't leave him alone on Christmas.
How long will he be working for on Christmas day?


He's off Christmas day but working 8am til 10pm Christmas eve and 7am til 9pm boxing day and it's a 6 hour drive there and a six hour drive back
Original post by JESSHOLMES
Okay here is the story.. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we are both 23. We recently moved 6 hours away from our families because I was going back to university (I had taken several years off due to ill heal and personal problems) and he has taken a job and moved with me. This Christmas, unfortunately, he is working until 10 pm Christmas eve and is back in again at 7 am boxing day. He has moved away from the home he has known all his life and from all his friends and family to be with me so of course there is no way I can go and see my family and leave him on his own on Christmas day. To compensate for this, or at least try, I have gone down to see my mum for a week just before Christmas so I can at least spend some of the festive period with her (organised and payed for by my boyfriend). My other siblings however, won't be going to my mum's, where my family are celebrating christmas, until late Christmas eve and so I won't be seeing them. My siblings (25 year old brother, 21 year old brother and 18 year old sister) are furious with me, they all agree I am choosing my boyfriend over my family and that I am ruining Christmas for all of them. My younger brother has called my boyfriend selfish for not driving me down to my family on Christmas eve after work and driving back for work 7 am boxing day (he's also working 14 hour shifts the week if Christmas and the drive to my mother's is 6 hours, so that would make this even more impossible). They are all in agreement that if he cared about me at all then he would drive down or phone in sick or something. I am constantly being reminded that this may be my elderly grandmothers last Christmas, which is very probable, which is very upsetting. I don't know how to approach this. Firstly, am I right in seeing them as the unreasonable ones or is it me? And how can I stop my brother and sister from hating me for this?



As I side note, my mother herself, although very upset I won't be with the rest of them on Christmas day, is very understanding.


paid Also can;t you just tell your boyfriend to work christmas day
Reply 15
Original post by Guy Secretan
paid Also can;t you just tell your boyfriend to work christmas day


**** how embarrassing. And no I can't do that.
Reply 16
Original post by neal95
you will have to choose. go with family. relationships come and go bit family stays. it wont look good for you if next year you have broken up with your current bf and go over there. they will say "i told you so" and you wont be able to live it down for a long time. i think as you see your bf every day, it would be more sensible to see your siblings, parents and especially grandmother. but hey thats just my opinion and advice which i will impart upon you. "The choice is yours...."



I don't know what I would do in that situation but this is good advice.

It's possibly your grandmother's last Christmas and that is not enough to make it want to spend it with them? What kind of Christmas celebration are you going to have with your boyfriend anyway? He's going to be asleep most of the time, considering he is working until 10pm and early morning the next day.
That's absolutely ridiculous, and quite selfish of your family I feel.

So he's got 35 hours between work, subtracting 8 hours sleep for both the 24th and 25th that leaves 19 hours, the drive for the way to your parents house and back takes up 12 hours, so then you'd both only have 7 hours to spend with them. And that time excludes everything else from traffic, eating, showering, general getting ready, and who the **** only sleeps for 8 hours around Christmas, 7 hours is the maximum time?

Oh wait does that even work out? So let's put an actual realistic timescale on this....
Boyfriend gets home on xmas eve at 10, sleeps from 11-6am (thinking of an 8hrs min.), you both leave at 7am after getting ready for the 6 hour drive, arriving at 1pm, then blah blah christmas stuff. But he's got to be at work for 7am, so working backwards, get up at 6am for getting ready and travelling to work, 8 hours sleep means he needs to be in bed by 10pm, 6 hour drive means you'd need to leave at 4pm. So you'd have 3 hours in between.

If any of those calculations are wrong, don't no one dare try to correct them cus that's not the most important thing here - 12 hours driving for 3 hours of forced christmas stuff is not a reasonable request of your family.

Here's some other things to put in perspective: But by your families reaction, christmas is important to them. If they have requested that you leave your boyfriend on his own for christmas, that is shocking. I generally don't agree with things like celebrating birthdays and christmas, they just seem stupid and pointless to me, but for a group of people who are already spending christmas together to suggest someone else should spend it alone, even I can see that is shocking.

You've acknowledged the problem early on by spending a week at home to try to make up for it, it's not like you've completely purposefully abandoned them. Like they're trying to get you to abandon your boyfriend? You're an adult couple, that live together and have been together for that long, that's a successful relationship.

To the person that said 'relationships come and go but family stays'. Well, exactly, family stays. If this is a successful relationship surely it makes more sense to keep a good thing going. What exactly are you trying to say by that, is she supposed to say- 'sorry boyfriend, but my family have summoned me, therefore I must go, just as you will be gone eventually'. Wow way to be optimistic.

I don't even know if any real point has been made there, I;m so bad at writing stuff like advice. But all I can think is if that were my situation and my family. I'd just present them with that reasoning of the timescale, remind them that texting, phone calls, Skype/facetime exist, it's not like you purposely want to avoid them, there are other ways of being together/staying in live contact. But after their reaction and saying that you're ruining Christmas for all of them, I'd straight up tell them that I'm disappointed in them for that level of selfishness and ignorance, but you know actually saying that I don't imagine would improve things at all. But deffo the timescale, and that they're being unreasonable about it
Reply 18
Original post by steffwardd
That's absolutely ridiculous, and quite selfish of your family I feel.

So he's got 35 hours between work, subtracting 8 hours sleep for both the 24th and 25th that leaves 19 hours, the drive for the way to your parents house and back takes up 12 hours, so then you'd both only have 7 hours to spend with them. And that time excludes everything else from traffic, eating, showering, general getting ready, and who the **** only sleeps for 8 hours around Christmas, 7 hours is the maximum time?

Oh wait does that even work out? So let's put an actual realistic timescale on this....
Boyfriend gets home on xmas eve at 10, sleeps from 11-6am (thinking of an 8hrs min.), you both leave at 7am after getting ready for the 6 hour drive, arriving at 1pm, then blah blah christmas stuff. But he's got to be at work for 7am, so working backwards, get up at 6am for getting ready and travelling to work, 8 hours sleep means he needs to be in bed by 10pm, 6 hour drive means you'd need to leave at 4pm. So you'd have 3 hours in between.

If any of those calculations are wrong, don't no one dare try to correct them cus that's not the most important thing here - 12 hours driving for 3 hours of forced christmas stuff is not a reasonable request of your family.

Here's some other things to put in perspective: But by your families reaction, christmas is important to them. If they have requested that you leave your boyfriend on his own for christmas, that is shocking. I generally don't agree with things like celebrating birthdays and christmas, they just seem stupid and pointless to me, but for a group of people who are already spending christmas together to suggest someone else should spend it alone, even I can see that is shocking.

You've acknowledged the problem early on by spending a week at home to try to make up for it, it's not like you've completely purposefully abandoned them. Like they're trying to get you to abandon your boyfriend? You're an adult couple, that live together and have been together for that long, that's a successful relationship.

To the person that said 'relationships come and go but family stays'. Well, exactly, family stays. If this is a successful relationship surely it makes more sense to keep a good thing going. What exactly are you trying to say by that, is she supposed to say- 'sorry boyfriend, but my family have summoned me, therefore I must go, just as you will be gone eventually'. Wow way to be optimistic.

I don't even know if any real point has been made there, I;m so bad at writing stuff like advice. But all I can think is if that were my situation and my family. I'd just present them with that reasoning of the timescale, remind them that texting, phone calls, Skype/facetime exist, it's not like you purposely want to avoid them, there are other ways of being together/staying in live contact. But after their reaction and saying that you're ruining Christmas for all of them, I'd straight up tell them that I'm disappointed in them for that level of selfishness and ignorance, but you know actually saying that I don't imagine would improve things at all. But deffo the timescale, and that they're being unreasonable about it


This is very reasonable and grown up outlook. Thank you very much, I will attempt to explain it in terms of time etc. Thanks again.
You are right, they are being a bunch of pussies about this. If this 'ruins' their Christmas then they're ****ing soft.

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