What is better: Arranged or a love marriage?

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Poll: What is better: Arranged or a love marriage?
Arranged marriage (17)
11.97%
Love marriage (125)
88.03%
username927016
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Which one do you think is better, personally I think love marriage is better & the fact that you can pick a partner yourself (with hopefully no backlash from family), although there's nothing wrong with an arranged marriage either.
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tazarooni89
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I can't really say which is "better", because they're not really mutually exclusive. Ideally, I would like to have a marriage that is both.
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Iqbal007
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Who says you can't pick your partner via the arranged manner?

Its basically being introduced to someone for the purpose of getting to know them, if you like them, you keep meeting them until you both want to take it to the next step. If you don't like them after meeting them, you just stop meeting them and see who else there is to meet.
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Gambit92
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Love, come on now.

Inb4 South Asians say arranged just because their parents had an arranged marriage and they know they won't have a choice either.
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Treeroy
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lol why is this a question? anyone who thinks arranged marriage is good is suffering from stockholm syndrome
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Mick.w
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(Original post by Multitalented me)
Which one do you think is better, personally I think love marriage is better & the fact that you can pick a partner yourself (with hopefully no backlash from family), although there's nothing wrong with an arranged marriage either.
I actually think arranged marriage is better.

im white irish by the way. just in case you think im indian or what ever.


Arranged Marriage
-----------------------------------

the type of people who arrange marriages have the following.

A close family unit
Father with business relationships.
Religious Network
Close Community that usually extends beyond into different cities in the UK and abroad.

I like the fact that you have structure, security, culture and experience.

so the fact is when your still messing around with lego. your mom and dad are already scouting for your suitor.

by the time you start inquiring about a wife. they'll already have a few ideas.
they will have selected a girl that they think is pretty, who's personality compliments your and who is smart and going places with her life.

her parents will have also been scanning for a equally suitable guy.

so when both parents agree it means that a minimum of 4 people have put serious thought (your life times worth) of thought into it.

some families even include aunts, uncles, cousins etc...

so you have basically a whole committee.

your parents may no you better than you know yourself at this early stage in your life.

they arrange you to meet.

maybe you can meet a few more times. but usually with super vision.

then when you both give the green light. you get married.

now your young. your both growing. you will grow into each other in the way you have grown into your family. you may or may not have that romeo and Juliet love. but the love that will grow regardless is one akin to family. a much stronger securer love that has genuine positive intentions towards each other as a family unit.

you have kids young. you can relate to your children. you can support for your children because you are both secure in each other as a marriage and will have your careers and house on track. your parents and family and community have all done this and can give you advice.

also your friends from your community are all going through similar choices and will usually start marrying around the same time. you and your friends will stay in touch cause you have more in common and are also all connected by your close community.
they will pursue their different careers. some will have better ones than others. but all will be useful to stay in touch with. and then when your children get older maybe you can marry them together.


Un-Arranged Marriage
------------------------------

modern western families do not have communities. many do not strictly adhere to religions and don't have that network.

many do not have their own family business or trade and don't have the links. and if they do they are not as close as the other cultural groups.

your parents are not looking for you. no one in your family is.

and no one in the people connected to your family is looking for you.

you are selfish.
you want sexy people to have sex with
you want romance
you don't know what type of partner suits you
you don't really know who you are yet
your parents teach you nothing about family structure and what makes a family or indeed what makes a man or a women. they leave it all open to interpretation and vague answers that put the responsibility of finding your way in life on you. they do not give you direction in your personal life.

but your career life and personal life are effected by each other.

you try n find girls at school, college, uni, nights out, online, at work.

its a struggle.

your both from different backgrounds and families.

you don't really know what you want in your lives or what you want in a relationship.

you just no you want to have sex and fall in love

you tell your self you want a family but put very little utilitarian and logistical thought in how to implement this.

even if you do. your plans are subject to vast changes because your work or your love may take you else where.

and what seems to be the case most of the time is that if you follow love and not money you end up broke AND lonely.

whereas rich successful people often don't run out of company.


you will be struggling for years and years well into your thirties.

if you havent had a an accident baby by now your getting quite old now.

most people in the uk earn from 15 to 30 grand a year.

by 30 if your lucky your earning close to that 30 grand.

maybe you have a flat. no house. if you already have a kid by now forget about moving up in your career or owning a house. its renting until you die now.

if you havent got a baby your worried that you don't have an income to provide for a family.

your 30 your kids gonna be 10 by the time your 40. by the time your kids a young adult ready to make their way in life your gonna be 50.

now if your a guy death may be knocking on your door depending on your lifestyle choice.

you and your partner are both worrying. if its time to jump ship you really need to do it now.

because your in your 30s and still have sexual capital.

good luck picking up someone in your 40s. especially if your a girl.

your going to be really critical of each other and blame each other for your lack of progress.

you will lose many friends as some friends have chosen permanent bachelor life styles and some will be too busy to stay in touch.

its just so much more messy and risky and often it falls apart.

because we have a culture that thinks we can upgrade everything.

your partner is not an iphone.

single parents and divorces and the reduction in marriages in the first places is all a scary stuff.
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Kittiara
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(Original post by Mick.w)
snip
I don't agree. I think that there are pros and cons to both. I mean, what if people don't fall in love in an arranged marriage? What if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one? It will be difficult to leave, because their families are invested in the relationship. It's true that this can also be the case in a marriage that is not arranged, but with an arranged marriage it's more likely that there will be difficulties leaving.

Also, why would people who don't opt for an arranged marriage be selfish, or just be after sex, or not know what or who they are? Why wouldn't their families give them guidance on all those matters?

You have a very negative view of people who don't have arranged marriages. In some cases it might go the way you say. In many others it will not. A lot of people have different preferences as well - some people don't want children, plenty of people don't want to be in business or trade, life is full of variety .

Personally, I would never marry but for love. I also want to know if we're both fully compatible, and this takes time.

Each to their own, though. I am sure that arranged marriages can work. I am also sure that non-arranged marriages can work. It's all down to the couple involved.
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Mick.w
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(Original post by Kittiara)
I don't agree. I think that there are pros and cons to both. I mean, what if people don't fall in love in an arranged marriage? What if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one? It will be difficult to leave, because their families are invested in the relationship. It's true that this can also be the case in a marriage that is not arranged, but with an arranged marriage it's more likely that there will be difficulties leaving.
The issue for me with marriage children. Children in divorced families have essentially fractured family units. it is a negative no-ideal thing.

this leads to my selfish point. people forget the function of marriage. they marry for themselves. not for their family or their children. which is what essentially is the point of marriage. otherwise its just a romantic day to show off and feel special.

the laws around marriage show this. for example if one of the partners is infertile or cannot sexually preform this is common grounds for termination of the marriage.

the point is that marriage is just a contract to the child that will come of the union.
you vow to stick together until death.

so for example, your child cannot change parents (you can legally change your parents in some countries i am aware. but for the most part you cannot and its very rare). but going with this. you cannot change your parents. if you are unhappy with your parents you, for the most part, cannot leave. or at least it is very difficult to. the whole point in marriage is that it should be difficult for you to separate in the as much a way as it is for your child to.

i think a lot of people mistake marriage for just some grandiose form of dating where you can divorce when your "unahppy" you don't just bailout on your family when your not happy.

so the point in marriage in its purpose is to make it hard to leave. so really arranged marriages secure this purpose.


(Original post by Kittiara)
Also, why would people who don't opt for an arranged marriage be selfish, or just be after sex, or not know what or who they are? Why wouldn't their families give them guidance on all those matters?
i should of elaborated here. i must say its late at night and i'm not at my most punctual.

my point is, is that everyone is like that by nature. we are all, in our youth, are quite self gratifying and let our impulses guide our decisions. i think if you asked anyone above the age of 40 is they new who they were when they were 18 or 20 they would say no. but maybe you know a special case? although i doubt it.

i think its quite clear that im talking generally here and critiquing western society. after spending some time teaching i've realized firm structure and direction is very much needed by children and developing adults. from what i have witnessed personally and indeed what the panel guests on the below video have noticed, is that western parents, more often than not, do not offer enough structure and guidance for their children. so certainly i am not alone in this view point.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UesrrHVLa0


(Original post by Kittiara)
You have a very negative view of people who don't have arranged marriages. In some cases it might go the way you say. In many others it will not. A lot of people have different preferences as well - some people don't want children, plenty of people don't want to be in business or trade, life is full of variety .
I must admit that the negative tinge that stains my first post comes from my personal experience. My parents split up when I was too young to remember. I went to school with many others who's parents had or would later split. Indeed it seems everyone I know who gets married seems to inevitably divorce.

i have also noticed in my teaching experience that I have been able to notice the children with split parents a mile away. it has a huge effect on a child and even a young adult.

indeed as i've gotten older I have noticed a stark contrast in the frequency of success in those from nuclear families and those from single or fragmented ones and especially those who have grown up in care. notice i said frequency. there is success from single parent families but its less frequent in comparison to nuclear. just like there is success of those who were raised in care. but of course these are rare cases.

as i said above i view marriage with its more utilitarian historic purpose rather than its modern romantic narcissism. which is what many have turned it into. so i really see little purpose in being married if you don't intend to have children. now yes i understand there are other purposes for children in modern times such as shared banks and other legal things like hospital visits etc... although i think the hospital visits is an american thing.

but yes as i said i personally view marriage as frivolous and ostentatious if you are not doing it with the purpose of starting a family.

now i do not see my self as a highly disciplined unselfish non-impulsive man. i have my weaknesses like everyone else. but even i have my standards. and i have to say i do get very angry at the decisions people around my age have made in the past and continue to.
decisions made in regards to sex, children, marriages and promises. I have seen so much selfishness. so much disregard for children's feelings, futures and development. so many parents who do not think ahead. it really upsets me.

now i think ok... maybe they are not to know. maybe i know this now due to my own unique experiences. but its a bit pointless knowing what damages your child after they've already become an adult. this is where tradition comes in. there is a age tested collectively learned wisdom that is bound within tradition. yes not all of it is good.

but sadly i don't think many parents even realize the damage they cause. i think many are quite fine with the way things are. sadly i think its children from the unions who realize all the ways their parents went wrong. but by then its too late. you can't start your life again.

many people are quite happy satisfying their own needs and knowing that they've reduced their children's prospects.

now obviously there are circumstances where you have to separate.

two bad people who get married are still to bad people and are gonna screw up their kids as a team or not.

but i've noticed marriages where there is one bad parent, and the 2nd parent is a safe guard.

when they divorce, this will screw up the kid. and if the bad parent is the mother (who is almost guaranteed custody) she will ruin the children.

i recently fell out with a girl i had been dating because we had an argument and then was angry and took it out on her kids after i hung up. she then expected me to apologize to her, she believed i was responsible for making her lash out at her kids. now as much as i would love to report her to social services there is little that can be done for mild abuse like this and to be honest if her kids were put into care they would be worse off.

now if the father had not ran away from the marriage then maybe there would be more supervision of her actions. yes he would be the target of her abuse, but he would improve the development of the children be being there to reduce her abuse towards them.


(Original post by Kittiara)
Personally, I would never marry but for love. I also want to know if we're both fully compatible, and this takes time.
i respect that. but i do question if there is such a thing as compatible? where the lines and standards are. i mean the girl i had been dating i new for 5 years prior to our dating and never saw this side to her. there are some things that you only find out about people through their family and through knowing of their childhood.

plus i think the younger you get with someone the more chance you have to develop with them. i mean take a look at jobs or teams. sometimes theres people you don't like who you work with or are in a team with but you get over it given enough time.

(Original post by Kittiara)
Each to their own, though. I am sure that arranged marriages can work. I am also sure that non-arranged marriages can work. It's all down to the couple involved.
i agree with this. but i think theres more benefits to an arranged marriage.
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childofthesun
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#9
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Love marriages
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Illegal Algebra
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I'd say a 'love' marriage has to be better, right? Nothing wrong with arranged marriages but you might not know the person very well (you might not know them at all). I'm all for arranged marriages, but the best thing would be to find someone yourself, someone who truly wants you, someone who you can trust not to abandon you, someone who has values, someone who is well mannered and cultured, who you can engage in meaningful conversations with and share enjoyable experiences with. You can still get that through arranged marriages... But it's tricky. You can never be sure of what you're getting yourself into. You can't expect the person to always be perfect. That goes for any type of marriage, there's never a guarantee that things will go well. You just have to put your faith in God and make a decision.

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sebotobes
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(Original post by Treeroy)
lol why is this a question? anyone who thinks arranged marriage is good is suffering from stockholm syndrome
Interesting, thanks to your post I've just ended up spending the first hour and 45 minutes of my working day, researching Sigmund Freud.

I agree with your comment.
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SnoochToTheBooch
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Which is better, finding a tenner down the back of your settee or stepping in a steaming pile of dog****?
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CJKay
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I'd usually say love marriages (I think you mean "unarranged marriage", because the idea behind both is that you fall in love at some point...) but given how hectic modern life is, and how difficult it can be to find a suitable partner, I can definitely see the benefit in your parents aiding that search.
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ringlet
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Definitely love marriage. My parents have been together for 24 years and are happily married.
Fingers crossed I find a love like theirs
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h3isenberg
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Love marriages. You need that sexual compatibility.
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Blazar
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Well, considering that I've never heard of any same-sex arranged marriages...
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rosebud114
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Love marriage! I'm indian and I have never liked the concept of arrange marriages... I think if I left it up to my parents...yes he may tick all the boxes but I'm not exactly trying to buy a blender,I'm trying to find husband. Plus I also think it's important to broaden my search different races,nationalities etc. if I left it up to my parents I know their search wouldn't be as exciting! Plus I think it is important to love someone before you decide to spend the rest of your lives together...so yeah love all the way!!
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rosebud114
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(Original post by h3isenberg)
Love marriages. You need that sexual compatibility.
Definately!!! people seem to think sex really doesn't matter or that it selfish to even consider that factor! But you really do need that sexual compatibility.
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Le Nombre
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Love marriages.

The thought of my parents jointly applying their minds to who in our family's social circle I may want to shag is, frankly, quite weird.
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gr8wizard10
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Arranged marriage =/= Forced marriage.

At this rate, I'd probably want an arranged marriage, as I haven't a clue where to start with this 'love' marriage stuff.
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