Guys would you date someone who is androgynous/asexual? Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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If they were willing to make an effort for you in terms of sex and appearance?

Basically, I'm asexual and androgynous but I'm romantically attracted to males and would like a boyfriend but they don't really ever get those vibes from me because no one can figure out my sexuality.....so they just assume my lack of sexuality means I won't be interested in them. So I've had to do a lot of the pursuing....of which I have done none for a long time because I'm worried about the answer the question I've posed you. I'm talking about serious dating now because I'm getting to that age (post uni) where I don't want to play around.

Opinions....
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Revebjelle
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#2
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It's possible, but not without some challenges - as you've been experiencing.
There are online dating communities and support networks for asexual folks...May be worth looking some up in order to get more tailored support than may be available on TSR?

There are all sorts of possibilities in this world so there is definitely lots of potential.
All the best :-)
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TorpidPhil
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I don't think I would be able to permanently date an asexual person. Although it may be fine at first from a romantic perspective I wouldn't feel right asking them to do sexual things for my own selfish reason that they didn't want to do. At the very least if I was in such a relationship I certainly wouldn't want my girlfriend to do things that would turn me on if she didn't want to actually have sex, I'de feel immoral like I was pressuring her into doing something she didn't want to do. Then the more time I spent with them no doubt the greater my sexual desire for them would become...

No, that would be pretty horrible actually. I wouldn't do it.
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Mankytoes
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If they were willing to make an effort for you in terms of sex and appearance?

Basically, I'm asexual and androgynous but I'm romantically attracted to males and would like a boyfriend but they don't really ever get those vibes from me because no one can figure out my sexuality.....so they just assume my lack of sexuality means I won't be interested in them. So I've had to do a lot of the pursuing....of which I have done none for a long time because I'm worried about the answer the question I've posed you. I'm talking about serious dating now because I'm getting to that age (post uni) where I don't want to play around.

Opinions....
The thing is, I don't want a girl to "make the effort for me", I want her to actually be sexually attracted to me, to want to have sex with me because she desires it, not because I require it. I've had sex with girlfriends knowing they're only doing it because they want to make me happy, and it isn't a great feeling, it's like useing someone to masturbate.

Good sex is all about shared experience, feeling that connection, pleasuring each other. I don't think I could go out with someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me. So no.

You say you'd be willing to change your appearance from androgynous... do you not think this would make you unhappy? You're talking about compromising some pretty important things. It seems to me you might be better off specifically targeting asexual men?
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High Stakes
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I personally wouldn't because I think sex is important in any relationship, at least for me personally. I don't see myself not having sex with my future partner.
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poohat
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Definitely not for several reasons, one of which is contained in your phrase "making an effort in terms of sex and appearance" - which implies that these are things you dont really want to do and will only to do try and land a partner, and will then (most likely) stop doing once you get comfortable in the relationship.

There are a lot of men stuck in sexless marriages and it sounds horrible.
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SarcasticMel
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If they were willing to make an effort for you in terms of sex and appearance?

Basically, I'm asexual and androgynous but I'm romantically attracted to males and would like a boyfriend but they don't really ever get those vibes from me because no one can figure out my sexuality.....so they just assume my lack of sexuality means I won't be interested in them. So I've had to do a lot of the pursuing....of which I have done none for a long time because I'm worried about the answer the question I've posed you. I'm talking about serious dating now because I'm getting to that age (post uni) where I don't want to play around.

Opinions....
Sure sex is great but after some time if I feel the other person isn't really interested in me, sorry but that wouldn't work out.
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Anonymous #2
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My boyfriend doesn't mind- I dress and act like a boy although I don't really match either gender, and I was pretty much asexual before I met him. He doesn't have a problem with it and he says I'm like his girlfriend and best friend at the same time I don't wear makeup or have any interest in typical girl things and he says he doesn't want me to change. I think it depends on the guy really, good luck
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username927016
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Honestly, only if they were happy with the physical side of things as well & I really had a deep bond with them.
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Idontkno
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(Original post by TorpidPhil)
I don't think I would be able to permanently date an asexual person. Although it may be fine at first from a romantic perspective I wouldn't feel right asking them to do sexual things for my own selfish reason that they didn't want to do. At the very least if I was in such a relationship I certainly wouldn't want my girlfriend to do things that would turn me on if she didn't want to actually have sex, I'de feel immoral like I was pressuring her into doing something she didn't want to do. Then the more time I spent with them no doubt the greater my sexual desire for them would become...

No, that would be pretty horrible actually. I wouldn't do it.
This. Just from a girls perspective. Don't think it would work out long term.


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bittr n swt
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No because during the relationship you may not be romantic or stuff like that...
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Tai Ga
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#12
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Nope. I would want sex and I like masculine guys.

Just noticed this is aimed at guys. meh
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Jebedee
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#13
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I wouldn't even consider it.

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miser
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No. I dated a girl who didn't like sex once. It wasn't exactly the most thrilling relationship.
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beeninetytwo
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#15
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No. Ideally I would like to be with someone who wants to have sex with me like alllllll the time. :fluffy:

:xmas:
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Anonymous #1
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The responses here are bit hard to take but I think I knew the outcome before I asked really. Thank you for your honesty everyone, I appreciate that.

(Original post by Revebjelle)
It's possible, but not without some challenges - as you've been experiencing.
There are online dating communities and support networks for asexual folks...May be worth looking some up in order to get more tailored support than may be available on TSR?

There are all sorts of possibilities in this world so there is definitely lots of potential.
All the best :-)
Thank you, I'll look into it. I guess I just wanted a 'normal' relationship....whatever that is. I want to be 'normal' but I suppose I can't alter myself...I'll end up unhappy. My sexuality/gender non-conformity just make life so much more difficult than it needs to be. It would be so much easier if I felt like a woman and had a sexuality....any sexuality. At the same time, as ridiculous and ironic as this might sound, I don't know if I'd want to date an asexual guy because then with us both being asexual it may as well just be a friendship not a relationship. People close to me have told me not to worry about it/over think it because something will come along and I'll find the right person - but I'm 24 now and have been pre-dominantly single for years so I've realized that no one is just going to 'come along' and I need to do something about it....even if that means being open to the idea of sex and trying to be more typically feminine....I don't really so any other way of finding a boyfriend and having a 'normal' life otherwise.

(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend doesn't mind- I dress and act like a boy although I don't really match either gender, and I was pretty much asexual before I met him. He doesn't have a problem with it and he says I'm like his girlfriend and best friend at the same time I don't wear makeup or have any interest in typical girl things and he says he doesn't want me to change. I think it depends on the guy really, good luck
You sounds pretty much like me.
How did you meet him? I don't know where to look
Also, do you ever feel inferior to other females? The last guy I dated had some very feminine friends and it just made me feel crap. That may be more of a self-esteem issue though.
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Profesh
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(Original post by Mankytoes)
The thing is, I don't want a girl to "make the effort for me", I want her to actually be sexually attracted to me, to want to have sex with me because she desires it, not because I require it. I've had sex with girlfriends knowing they're only doing it because they want to make me happy, and it isn't a great feeling, it's like useing someone to masturbate.

Good sex is all about shared experience, feeling that connection, pleasuring each other. I don't think I could go out with someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me. So no.

You say you'd be willing to change your appearance from androgynous... do you not think this would make you unhappy? You're talking about compromising some pretty important things. It seems to me you might be better off specifically targeting asexual men?
Pretty much all of the above.
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Revebjelle
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OP, your mention of wanting to be 'normal' reminded me of an awesome quote from the Addams Family (hey, I'm a goth, bear with me) - Morticia says 'Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly'. There's a lot of wisdom in that! So you're not 'normal' in the conventional, 'socially accepted', vanilla world. Who cares about vanilla though? (I know I don't!) There are SO many totally exciting flavours in life's ice cream counter! There's a lot of pressure on men and women in today's world to be certain ways, and these ways can be verrrry restrictive. Additional layers of anxiety and wrangling can be heaped on top of all that if someone is struggling with their sexual/gender identity. You're still young and figuring stuff out in a complex social system which takes every opportunity to impose a 'cookie cutter' identity onto people. It's difficult. Please be kind to yourself.

I know the responses here may be hard to take. This is TSR, a generic student site so there may not be much by way of validation for you. I did a quick net search and there are zillions of asexual websites and networks out there. People who will recognise your experience and be able to relate, maybe even give you advice. And who knows, you may meet somebody cool and nice to explore a relationship with.

Chill. Be patient with yourself. Connect with others of like-mind. It'll be ok :-)
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BefuddledPenguin
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#19
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Androgynous yes, I like girly guys and boyish women. Asexually is slightly more difficult, I like to know that my partner is physically attracted to me, and enjoys and desires sex with me. Without that it would just feel like a very close friendship, interspersed with occasional one night stands with one another.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The responses here are bit hard to take but I think I knew the outcome before I asked really. Thank you for your honesty everyone, I appreciate that.

Thank you, I'll look into it. I guess I just wanted a 'normal' relationship....whatever that is. I want to be 'normal' but I suppose I can't alter myself...I'll end up unhappy. My sexuality/gender non-conformity just make life so much more difficult than it needs to be. It would be so much easier if I felt like a woman and had a sexuality....any sexuality. At the same time, as ridiculous and ironic as this might sound, I don't know if I'd want to date an asexual guy because then with us both being asexual it may as well just be a friendship not a relationship. People close to me have told me not to worry about it/over think it because something will come along and I'll find the right person - but I'm 24 now and have been pre-dominantly single for years so I've realized that no one is just going to 'come along' and I need to do something about it....even if that means being open to the idea of sex and trying to be more typically feminine....I don't really so any other way of finding a boyfriend and having a 'normal' life otherwise.

Also, do you ever feel inferior to other females? The last guy I dated had some very feminine friends and it just made me feel crap. That may be more of a self-esteem issue though.
Depends on what you're up for. I'm ace and teeter on the edge of the gender-binary. I dress quite androgynous and at times consider myself agender (I kind of don't get the "gender roles" we seem to have created as a society).

I also have a partner who's ridiculously supportive about my sexuality/gender-expression. Here's my advice -if they don't accept how you are as yourself, then they aren't worth dating. If they fall for a facade, in the end, you won't feel happy in that relationship.

There's sites like Acebook and the AVEN forums (which include a Meet-up Mart for members to arrange meetings) which can be set up for asexual dating, and also apparently OKCupid has half-decent filters for this sort of stuff.

But the thing that worked for me is this -don't go looking. Make friends before considering them as a romantic partner (although this may be the demiromantic in me speaking). I was best friends with my boyfriend before we got together.

As for sex, exactly how do you plan to "make an effort"? I personally have little-to-no libido yet quite enjoy partnered sexual activities. Are you repulsed or just indifferent? Don't do anything you don't want to and don't feel pressured into doing anything.

And as for feeling inferior -why should you? You are who you are. Not being "feminine" shouldn't affect your self-worth. We keep getting told that everyone is unique but are also told to be "normal". Yet if everyone is unique then "normal" doesn't exist. You are (if not perfect, as no one is absolutely perfect) as worth as much as anyone else. You have your interests, other people have theirs.

Hope this helps! (as a ace in a relationship with an allosexual)
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