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Jealous of married/engaged people Watch

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    I have a close friend who's engaged and the wedding date has been set, and several other acquaintances from school etc. who are engaged or even married. I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years and we are both 23, while the friend I mentioned is the same age, as are the acquaintances.
    I just worry that my boyfriend will never want to marry me. His family and some of my family have actually asked us when we'll be getting engaged etc. and I even thought he was going to propose to me a few months ago, but it has more recently transpired that he's just not into the idea.
    He thinks we're too young (which I agree with, I am more upset that he has not expressed that he would like to marry me in the future- I'm not looking to get married tomorrow)
    But he doesn't see the point of making promises for the future. He has this 'live for the moment' mentality and that we might not even be together in a few years; who knows what will happen etc. I suppose that people do break up etc, but I have committed myself to him and he knows it. I would never leave him for another person.
    Even school bullies are married and engaged, and I just feel that he maybe doesn't love me enough to want to commit to a future with me.
    Am I over-reacting? What does this sound like? Thanks in advance
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have a close friend who's engaged and the wedding date has been set, and several other acquaintances from school etc. who are engaged or even married. I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years and we are both 23, while the friend I mentioned is the same age, as are the acquaintances.
    I just worry that my boyfriend will never want to marry me. His family and some of my family have actually asked us when we'll be getting engaged etc. and I even thought he was going to propose to me a few months ago, but it has more recently transpired that he's just not into the idea.
    He thinks we're too young (which I agree with, I am more upset that he has not expressed that he would like to marry me in the future- I'm not looking to get married tomorrow)
    But he doesn't see the point of making promises for the future. He has this 'live for the moment' mentality and that we might not even be together in a few years; who knows what will happen etc. I suppose that people do break up etc, but I have committed myself to him and he knows it. I would never leave him for another person.
    Even school bullies are married and engaged, and I just feel that he maybe doesn't love me enough to want to commit to a future with me.
    Am I over-reacting? What does this sound like? Thanks in advance
    Do you want the tough love answer, or the redacted, flowery version?
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    It sounds like it just isn't on his list of priorities at the moment...or even anytime soon. But it's on your list.

    First of all. Marriage is not a race. Do not compare yourself to others getting married before you. That's a horrid reason to want to get married.

    I'm around your age and I think 23 is too young (which you say you agree on) so it seems the problem is the fact that he is not showing any interest whatsoever of getting married in the future.

    What is his opinion of marriage in general? Not what he thinks to marrying you per se but his view on the whole concept of marriage? This is really important. It can tell you a lot about whether he wants to get married one day or is utterly against it (just a piece of paper...)

    I understand your need to just find out if he has any intention at all. I think 3 years is a legitimate time to be talking about it in a relationship. You don't want to be wasting your time with someone who is never going to commit. At the same time he may want it but just isn't there yet and will require you to wait a bit longer. Be casual when broaching the topic and don't make it scary like he's under pressure ...maybe make a remark of your friend's wedding and comment what you think about marriage and then ask for his view?

    Good luck!


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    (Original post by HotCoco.)
    It sounds like it just isn't on his list of priorities at the moment...or even anytime soon. But it's on your list.

    First of all. Marriage is not a race. Do not compare yourself to others getting married before you. That's a horrid reason to want to get married.

    I'm around your age and I think 23 is too young (which you say you agree on) so it seems the problem is the fact that he is not showing any interest whatsoever of getting married in the future.

    What is his opinion of marriage in general? Not what he thinks to marrying you per se but his view on the whole concept of marriage? This is really important. It can tell you a lot about whether he wants to get married one day or is utterly against it (just a piece of paper...)

    I understand your need to just find out if he has any intention at all. I think 3 years is a legitimate time to be talking about it in a relationship. You don't want to be wasting your time with someone who is never going to commit. At the same time he may want it but just isn't there yet and will require you to wait a bit longer. Be casual when broaching the topic and don't make it scary like he's under pressure ...maybe make a remark of your friend's wedding and comment what you think about marriage and then ask for his view?

    Good luck!


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    Thanks for the reply; well we've had 2 friends who both got engaged pretty young (younger than us) and since they, they have both broken off their engagements and are now with other people. He has alluded to this by asking what the point is and if I would like to end up like them.

    I used to not believe in marriage at all, but since I met him, I have changed my opinion. Tbh, I'm really not sure whether he believes in marriage at all, and maybe it is that.
    I suppose I'm envious of declarations of love and such, because that's not something that I get from him.
    He tells me he loves me, and a couple of years ago he used to say that he would 'never leave me' etc., but now he doesn't see the point in saying such things because you never know where life may take you.

    But yeah, he has said he feels too young to think about that stuff, and I should come back to it in a couple of years, hopefully if all goes well
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    Give him two year, max, and if he is still not up for it move on..
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    Man (woman) the **** up. Unless you're religious marriage is just a societal construct that tries to force you into the "ideal" relationship, which for a lot of people is either pointless or actually harmful to them.

    I would also point out that getting married for guys is a big, and potentially risky thing. Several of my male friends have confided in me that they wouldn't get married because they fear being financially rinsed if it all went wrong, with a few more wanting prenups but being scared to ask about it. Until women (and I'm female too but have a pragmatic view on this) grow up and get past the whole "omg but aren't be going to be married forever like in the films?! Doesn't he love me if he's even considering what we'd do if we broke up?!" bs and accept that relationships do sometimes end/there's nothing wrong with planning ahead then you're going to breed a generation of men rightly anxious about even considering marriage.

    tl:dr- man up, stop buying into the hollywood crap about fairytale romances and focus on enjoying your relationship.
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    What's the rush, just enjoy spending time as a couple.
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    don't be


    1. "Latest statistics (published December 2012) estimate that 42% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce."


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    (Original post by Kaiju)
    don't be


    1. "Latest statistics (published December 2012) estimate that 42% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce."


    Apparently the number one thing folk fight about is money.
    Reality is that a lot of people just can't afford to spunk 20 grand on a wedding but do so anyway. THEN they wonder why they end up getting divorced when they are invariably paying for 1 day for the next ten years.

    My partner and I are getting married may 2016 and we intend to turn a profit on the occasion!
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    No rush at all. Marriage is far from a joke. Enjoy your young years together and if it's meant to be, it will be
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    Sounds like he'll never be ready tbh. Have you ever discussed children? Do you want children? Does he?

    Because if he doesn't want children and he doesn't want to even think of marrying you- and you want those things, then I'd run the opposite way. We're not getting any younger. Edit: especially as this might be long term, don't waste time with someone who doesn't want the same things.
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    So you want to get married / engaged just so you can show others?
    Real nice OP.
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    I think this is true for a lot of girls they see their friends getting married and they kind of feel jealous I find it a bit pathetic to be frank. 23 is young to get married also a lot of studies show relationships are more likely last longer if you get married later. There is no particular reason to get married earlier.
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    Obviously not just an age issue but feel like "what's the rush?", don't believe in fate or any of that rubbish but if you are meant to be you'll still be meant to be. Just wait! Personally I don't think you should be able to get married before 25 - do you really know yourself well enough to give yourself to another person like that considering how expensive divorces are?!
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    I know how you feel. I'm 27 and in the last few years, absolutely loads of people I knew from school have got married and/or had kids. It seems every time I scan my Facebook newsfeed, there are wedding pics or scan pics. I've been feeling pretty weird about it, I don't even have a boyfriend. I feel like I'm 'behind' in life. But then I try to remember that once you've settled down and got the mortgage and the kids, you've got it for life. That's a very long time. I've done loads of amazing travelling in the last few years and even lived abroad. I wouldn't have been able to do any of that if I had settled down. There's still loads of time and waiting for the right person will be worth it in the end. At 23, you are pretty young to be thinking about marriage. Your boyfriend might be feeling pressured and he probably isn't yet ready for conversations about the future. I think you need to be patient and see where things go for the next few years. If you're still together, broach the subject again and you might hear a different answer from him. However if he still seems very 'anti-marriage' you might have to consider ending it as you want different things in life and it's not compatible, unless you change your mind about it too.
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    He's being evasive because he's 23. That's far too young to even think about marriage. Give it a few more years.
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    (Original post by jenkinsear)
    Man (woman) the **** up. Unless you're religious marriage is just a societal construct that tries to force you into the "ideal" relationship, which for a lot of people is either pointless or actually harmful to them.

    I would also point out that getting married for guys is a big, and potentially risky thing. Several of my male friends have confided in me that they wouldn't get married because they fear being financially rinsed if it all went wrong, with a few more wanting prenups but being scared to ask about it. Until women (and I'm female too but have a pragmatic view on this) grow up and get past the whole "omg but aren't be going to be married forever like in the films?! Doesn't he love me if he's even considering what we'd do if we broke up?!" bs and accept that relationships do sometimes end/there's nothing wrong with planning ahead then you're going to breed a generation of men rightly anxious about even considering marriage.

    tl:dr- man up, stop buying into the hollywood crap about fairytale romances and focus on enjoying your relationship.
    She's wasn't asking for others' views on marriage. She had a problem wrt her boyfriend that she wanted advice on.

    Anyway don't you think marriage is also a risky thing for women too? (Perhaps more so) although I would agree with you in that far too many people get married for the wrong reasons and too quickly, hence undervaluing marriage in society especially in recent decades, I do think marriage when done right is a positive thing.

    It's not something in which you are "trapped in" and if one is worried about how they will escape before they've even married then they shouldn't be marrying at all because they've missed the point.


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    (Original post by HotCoco.)
    She's wasn't asking for others' views on marriage. She had a problem wrt her boyfriend that she wanted advice on.
    I'm aware but it's all linked.

    (Original post by HotCoco.)
    Anyway don't you think marriage is also a risky thing for women too? (Perhaps more so) although I would agree with you in that far too many people get married for the wrong reasons and too quickly, hence undervaluing marriage in society especially in recent decades, I do think marriage when done right is a positive thing.
    It's far less risky for women unless they fall into the minority who are the higher earners/will be in the long run. If you're male and earn more then it's literally signing away stacks of your ££££ should it all go wrong. I had an old colleague who married age 22, earned probably 2.5 times what his wife did and bought some inherited wealth into the marriage whilst she brought nothing. 3 years later turns out she's been cheating on him for 2 years and run up a stack of debt on their credit card. He then ends up losing nearly 40% of his assets to the whore who financially contributed little in comparison and was the one totally at fault. Who do you think took the risk and paid for it there?

    (Original post by HotCoco.)
    It's not something in which you are "trapped in" and if one is worried about how they will escape before they've even married then they shouldn't be marrying at all because they've missed the point.
    Loads of people feel trapped in marriages. Literally loads. I suspect a lot of people who would rather divorce stick it out for the sake of their children...
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    (Original post by jenkinsear)
    I'm aware but it's all linked.



    It's far less risky for women unless they fall into the minority who are the higher earners/will be in the long run. If you're male and earn more then it's literally signing away stacks of your ££££ should it all go wrong. I had an old colleague who married age 22, earned probably 2.5 times what his wife did and bought some inherited wealth into the marriage whilst she brought nothing. 3 years later turns out she's been cheating on him for 2 years and run up a stack of debt on their credit card. He then ends up losing nearly 40% of his assets to the whore who financially contributed little in comparison and was the one totally at fault. Who do you think took the risk and paid for it there?.
    I'm sorry about your friend. It may sting for now but in the long term women are most likely to be the losers in divorce cases given they most likely earn less. If she has little-no income then any payments she gained from the divorce will only last her so long. She will find herself struggling if she doesn't get a decent income. Whilst your friend will still maintain or even increase his income in the long term due to career advancement/single lifestyle.

    If children are involved it's ever worse for women (granted the kids stay with her post-divorce) as women are less likely to get promoted due to balancing needs of her children, and less likely to return to the income level she had pre-children once back to work.

    (Original post by jenkinsear)
    Loads of people feel trapped in marriages. Literally loads. I suspect a lot of people who would rather divorce stick it out for the sake of their children...
    But on the other hand loads of people can be perfectly content. You can't just claim to know how everyone feels about their own marriage...it's not about being "trapped" and if people believe that then they are in a very sad state of mind.


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    Why? A relationship's good, but marriage sucks.
 
 
 
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