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My best friend doesn't think I'm pretty, never boosts my confidence, it hurts A LOT! Watch

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    Please read this all the way through as it's kind of complicated. Thank you so much for your help in advance!

    So I have been best friends with this girl and she is 24, (I am a girl too and 23 years old) and we have been friends for the last 7 years. So basically all these years she has always discussed how pretty other people when we are just generally gossiping or seeing other people's pictures on facebook and she has never said that she thinks that I am pretty. The thing I am an okay pretty girl and I am fat, but not obese looking. So I understand that she may not find me very pretty but as a best friend, I feel one should find your friends pretty or at least tell them that you think so, so as to boost their confidence and support them, in my opinion thats what friends, especially best friends do. In the beginning of our friendship, I didnt think she was too pretty but I always told her so, cause she doesnt have a high self esteem so I felt it was my duty as her friend to boost her confidence and make her believe in herself but she has never done that for me ever. I had an low self esteem when I came friends with her but over the years because of many reasons it has become lower and lower and she hasnt done anything to help me. Also her constant talking about how pretty everybody is, including her other best friends (different uni) has contributed a lot to my self esteem becoming lower. Today I was telling her that how I am shocked that a guy would flirt with me at all especially considering all his other girl friends are really gorgeous and all she said was that, 'how maybe he doesnt like all those girls cause since they are gorgeous they might think too much of themselves' and nothing else and it hurt me SO much. And this has always been the case. I have spoken to her about it, but she always says stuff like thats cause everybody else dresses up so much and you dont and how she cant think of my best self, when she has seen me at my worst etc and it hurts SO much. I have seen her at her worst and she doesn't dress up all the time either but I always think of her best self and always compliment her and I feel like crap and she contributes SO much to it without actually even intentionally putting me down.

    I have only one best friend, that is her and a couple of other friends, as I have always gotten back stabbed so I feel lost as to what to do. She has been with me through really difficult times, so I do appreciate her a lot and I am very thankful for her and I totally realise that nobody is perfect but this affects me a lot

    I dont know what to do. Please help!
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    I don't need to read all of it to tell you to ditch her and find a better friend.
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    (Original post by bittr n swt)
    I don't need to read all of it to tell you to ditch her and find a better friend.
    LOL I was just about to write that


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    Lose weight and stop caring about what people think?
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    Looks aren't everything
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    Does she tell the other people that they are pretty to their faces...maybe she just doesn't say it to people directly?
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    Facebook is the problem, both of you are seeing "perfect" lives of everyday people and that's dragging you down. (Of course, Facebook being public and all means no one ever posts any "obviously imperfect" picture of themselves)
    When you and the other person stop seeing the world through a computer and with your own eyes you may appreciate imperfectness
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    Honestly, I think if you hang around with people who value those kinds of things, you're hanging around with the wrong people.
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    I think you're seeking validation in the wrong place. I don't see why it's her duty to tell you she thinks you're pretty if she doesn't - surely honesty in a friendship is important? As long as she's not insulting your looks I don't see why you have a problem.

    Also, lose some weight and learn to love yourself - don't ever rely on anyone else for your own self-esteem or happiness.
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    She just sounds quite tactless. She hasn't actually outright insulted you, has she?

    Sounds like you're just going to have to get over it. If you said anything and then she started complimenting you in the future, wouldn't you just think that she's being dishonest and only saying that to please you?

    She doesn't really sound that bad. My best friend in primary had similarities but was x100 worse :lol:
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    (Original post by Aisee)
    Please read this all the way through as it's kind of complicated. Thank you so much for your help in advance!

    So I have been best friends with this girl and she is 24, (I am a girl too and 23 years old) and we have been friends for the last 7 years. So basically all these years she has always discussed how pretty other people when we are just generally gossiping or seeing other people's pictures on facebook and she has never said that she thinks that I am pretty. The thing I am an okay pretty girl and I am fat, but not obese looking. So I understand that she may not find me very pretty but as a best friend, I feel one should find your friends pretty or at least tell them that you think so, so as to boost their confidence and support them, in my opinion thats what friends, especially best friends do. In the beginning of our friendship, I didnt think she was too pretty but I always told her so, cause she doesnt have a high self esteem so I felt it was my duty as her friend to boost her confidence and make her believe in herself but she has never done that for me ever. I had an low self esteem when I came friends with her but over the years because of many reasons it has become lower and lower and she hasnt done anything to help me. Also her constant talking about how pretty everybody is, including her other best friends (different uni) has contributed a lot to my self esteem becoming lower. Today I was telling her that how I am shocked that a guy would flirt with me at all especially considering all his other girl friends are really gorgeous and all she said was that, 'how maybe he doesnt like all those girls cause since they are gorgeous they might think too much of themselves' and nothing else and it hurt me SO much. And this has always been the case. I have spoken to her about it, but she always says stuff like thats cause everybody else dresses up so much and you dont and how she cant think of my best self, when she has seen me at my worst etc and it hurts SO much. I have seen her at her worst and she doesn't dress up all the time either but I always think of her best self and always compliment her and I feel like crap and she contributes SO much to it without actually even intentionally putting me down.

    I have only one best friend, that is her and a couple of other friends, as I have always gotten back stabbed so I feel lost as to what to do. She has been with me through really difficult times, so I do appreciate her a lot and I am very thankful for her and I totally realise that nobody is perfect but this affects me a lot

    I dont know what to do. Please help!
    You need to deal with your own low self-esteem issues and not put the blame on her. I personally hate being dishonest to my friends, let alone best friends. So if I think they don't look pretty, I wouldn't say "Ooh you look gorgeous today", because it's such a lie. Even if it's to flatter my friend, I would find things that I actually love about my friends and use that to compliment them whenever I like.

    Just because you like to compliment people doesn't really make you a 'great friend' and she doesn't have to reciprocate. If you want to be told you look gorgeous by others, then pay attention to the way you look/dress, if that's important to you. Ultimately if you do end your friendship just because of that reason, it would be because of your self-esteem issues, not because she's a bad friend.

    Edit: Both of you seem way too concerned about how others look, perhaps you are more alike than you think.
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    Sounds like she's done nothing wrong but you're just insecure. If you're actually close with someone, I don't see how you should be expected to lie to them and say things that you don't feel are true. She's never said you're NOT pretty or anything, she's aimply being real.
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    (Original post by Tarte Tatin)
    Honestly, I think if you hang around with people who value those kinds of things, you're hanging around with the wrong people.
    Sounds like OP's the one who values those sorts of things.
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    (Original post by bittr n swt)
    I don't need to read all of it to tell you to ditch her and find a better friend.
    (Original post by CallMeJay)
    LOL I was just about to write that


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    Sounds like maybe you do need to read it - OP's friend has done nothing wrong, unless not lying to your friends is wrong.
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    I don't think the real problem here is that she isn't telling you that you're pretty, but that she is always talking about how pretty girls are in general. I've had plenty of female friends who've done that, in fact I think the majority of girls do, and to be honest I always used to join in before I realised recently how stupid it was. Talking constantly about people in general, looking at their social media accounts and discussing their looks is a really toxic thing to do and gets to you a lot subconsciously. Try to be conscious of it and spend more time with the people you notice steer clear of all that and spend their time talking about more worthwhile things that make them happy or interested.
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    (Original post by joker12345)
    Sounds like maybe you do need to read it - OP's friend has done nothing wrong, unless not lying to your friends is wrong.
    So what ditch them
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    Well surely if you're fat then her telling you that you're attractive would be lying? Why do you want your friend to lie to you? If overweight people constantly hear that they're good-looking/pretty then they will have no incentive to lose weight.

    You should try to lose weight (not just for looks but also for health reasons).

    Good luck
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    I know she's your best friend but she's seriously not worth it. If you keep trying to make her feel better about herself but this is not reciprocated then this isn't really how a best friend should act. sorry
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    (Original post by bittr n swt)
    I don't need to read all of it to tell you to ditch her and find a better friend.
    (Original post by CallMeJay)
    LOL I was just about to write that


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    (Original post by loloway)
    Lose weight and stop caring about what people think?
    (Original post by Mindless Behavior)
    Looks aren't everything
    (Original post by tealover96)
    Does she tell the other people that they are pretty to their faces...maybe she just doesn't say it to people directly?
    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    Facebook is the problem, both of you are seeing "perfect" lives of everyday people and that's dragging you down. (Of course, Facebook being public and all means no one ever posts any "obviously imperfect" picture of themselves)
    When you and the other person stop seeing the world through a computer and with your own eyes you may appreciate imperfectness
    (Original post by Tarte Tatin)
    Honestly, I think if you hang around with people who value those kinds of things, you're hanging around with the wrong people.
    (Original post by Musie Suzie)
    I think you're seeking validation in the wrong place. I don't see why it's her duty to tell you she thinks you're pretty if she doesn't - surely honesty in a friendship is important? As long as she's not insulting your looks I don't see why you have a problem.

    Also, lose some weight and learn to love yourself - don't ever rely on anyone else for your own self-esteem or happiness.
    (Original post by Sir Peter Rabbit)
    She just sounds quite tactless. She hasn't actually outright insulted you, has she?

    Sounds like you're just going to have to get over it. If you said anything and then she started complimenting you in the future, wouldn't you just think that she's being dishonest and only saying that to please you?

    She doesn't really sound that bad. My best friend in primary had similarities but was x100 worse :lol:
    (Original post by SomeStudent)
    You need to deal with your own low self-esteem issues and not put the blame on her. I personally hate being dishonest to my friends, let alone best friends. So if I think they don't look pretty, I wouldn't say "Ooh you look gorgeous today", because it's such a lie. Even if it's to flatter my friend, I would find things that I actually love about my friends and use that to compliment them whenever I like.

    Just because you like to compliment people doesn't really make you a 'great friend' and she doesn't have to reciprocate. If you want to be told you look gorgeous by others, then pay attention to the way you look/dress, if that's important to you. Ultimately if you do end your friendship just because of that reason, it would be because of your self-esteem issues, not because she's a bad friend.

    Edit: Both of you seem way too concerned about how others look, perhaps you are more alike than you think.
    (Original post by joker12345)
    Sounds like she's done nothing wrong but you're just insecure. If you're actually close with someone, I don't see how you should be expected to lie to them and say things that you don't feel are true. She's never said you're NOT pretty or anything, she's aimply being real.
    (Original post by joker12345)
    Sounds like OP's the one who values those sorts of things.
    (Original post by joker12345)
    Sounds like maybe you do need to read it - OP's friend has done nothing wrong, unless not lying to your friends is wrong.
    (Original post by uncommonsensing)
    I don't think the real problem here is that she isn't telling you that you're pretty, but that she is always talking about how pretty girls are in general. I've had plenty of female friends who've done that, in fact I think the majority of girls do, and to be honest I always used to join in before I realised recently how stupid it was. Talking constantly about people in general, looking at their social media accounts and discussing their looks is a really toxic thing to do and gets to you a lot subconsciously. Try to be conscious of it and spend more time with the people you notice steer clear of all that and spend their time talking about more worthwhile things that make them happy or interested.
    (Original post by bittr n swt)
    So what ditch them
    (Original post by anonwinner)
    Well surely if you're fat then her telling you that you're attractive would be lying? Why do you want your friend to lie to you? If overweight people constantly hear that they're good-looking/pretty then they will have no incentive to lose weight.

    You should try to lose weight (not just for looks but also for health reasons).

    Good luck
    (Original post by Sweetiebabe)
    I know she's your best friend but she's seriously not worth it. If you keep trying to make her feel better about herself but this is not reciprocated then this isn't really how a best friend should act. sorry
    (Original post by CookieInOrange)
    I would get over it. I prefer my friends to be honest, rather than lie straight to my face. It makes it better when they do compliment me, say when I dress up or do something nice.

    About that conversation that's making you feel bad, maybe she thinks your being fat was the deciding factor rather than how pretty you are. Or maybe she thought it would be insulting to try and match you up where you would lose and instead tried to point out why you would be better than them. You know, pointing out the important parts?

    I think it sounds like she thinks of you the way I would my sisters. I have no idea if they're pretty, I've seen them at all measures of prettied up but I've just spent too long around them.



    Thank you so much everybody for your replies! They have made me see the situation more logically
    Sorry I will be replying to all together as a lot of you have the same thing, so I figured it would just be easier to address it all together

    To all those that said that looks dont matter and I should lose weight and I have self esteem issues and should work on them, I totally agree! I have already started working on all these aspects! I guess I should also point out that I have depression so everything is well tougher to do, to put simply

    And to all those that said I should not expect her to lie etc, I agree too! I dont expect her to lie to me in the sense say I look gorgeous when I dont or say that I am prettiest or not fat when obviously those are not true, I just wish that when I am feeling low, she would boost my confidence! Somebody said that just cause I lie to her about her looks doesnt make me a great friend, but all I am saying is that I am not lying or anything on a day to day basis about her looks to her but making her feel good when she questions her looks or make her believe in herself when she doesnt think that she is worth it. I hope my point is coming through

    I also agree that discussing other people's looks or facebook has contributed to it, and I agree and in fact this year, I told her that I really do not like discussing these things.

    The thing is before I met her, I was not into discussing looks and being all about them. They mattered to me, yes but not to this point, but over the years, her constant praising of her other people and not just people on facebook but her also her uni friends (we are friends from school) started getting to me. It took me a lot of time to realise it did and initially I didnt point it out cause I thought how weak I am being that I cant even handle talking about looks, but then this year I completely let go of this topic as it was bringing me down.

    I obviously dont want to tell her this and then have her compliment in the future, cause now I will never believe it. I dont know what I want to be honest, I am confused about that, all I know is that I am hurt

    No offense to anybody if I am using the word somebody it is simply cause it was easier to multi-reply
 
 
 
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