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my boyfriend keeps putting himself down all the time Watch

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    Hey we're both 21, and I love him lots. He's quite a funny guy but lately I think he's been feeling a bit down or he's hiding his true feelings?

    On Christmas Day, his family all sit around and open their presents all one at a time. He said to me he didn't want to open his. I asked why and he said to me it's because he felt like he didn't deserve it? It just sounded upsetting because he is one of the nicest, friendliest, most helpful people you could ever meet. He is always thinking about others yet he said that? Why would anyone think like that?

    He works where I used to work and a Manager I knew came over to me when I visited recently and told me he was putting himself down about his work too much and asked me if everything was alright.

    My boyfriend loves photography and i'm not just saying it, but he's pretty amazing at it. The photos are beautiful. He studied photography and they're professional level. 1000 people could say his photography work is good, yet he'd say it's rubbish.

    He seems quite shy at times too. He dresses well and he's a really good looking guy, but he'll always put himself down about how he looks. I'm not just saying that, but he is attractive. We'll go out and he'll get looks from the ladies. He's slim and on holiday last Summer, he would not go shirtless and into the sea. I think he gets anxiety or he's worried what people think of him.

    He's lovely, thoughtful, he's nice, sexy, yet he keeps putting himself down like this. He's got around £7000 or £8000 in savings, but he won't spend any of his hard earned money on himself because "he doesn't deserve it". I'm not telling him to spend the lot, but he should buy himself something nice with it.

    His Mum brought him up with his sister and as a single parent, they were quite poor so I'm not sure if that has something to do with it, but I don't know why he's like that with everything else? His Great Nan & Grandad both passed away a few years ago and he still gets upset and sometimes I think that's why he feels like this. It's been going on about a month now.

    What do I do? and thanks for reading this!! x
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    (Original post by natasherrrrr93)
    What do I do? and thanks for reading this!! x
    He sounds just like me, I often get told the same thing but if i'm feeling down it's hard to see that other people think highly of me. Is there something that's bothering him? For example it's Christmas time which most people spend with their family, perhaps he's feeling a bit down because he doesn't have much family?

    Ignore the troll above. I'll get someone to deal with him.
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    (Original post by sr90)
    He sounds just like me, I often get told the same thing but if i'm feeling down it's hard to see that other people think highly of me. Is there something that's bothering him? For example it's Christmas time which most people spend with their family, perhaps he's feeling a bit down because he doesn't have much family?

    Ignore the troll above. I'll get someone to deal with him.
    (Original post by arminb)
    This is bull****.^^^
    And everyone goes through depression at some point in their life. The best thing you can do is to be supportive and try to make him open up to you. You shouldn't start nagging at him or putting him under pressure. That's as much as I can say.
    I think it's because he was poorer when he was younger. Him, his Mum and sister had nothing at the end of one week when he was about 10. They walked 3 miles to a store to get a refund on something for £3 then bought some cans of food, and walked the 3 miles back home. He'll spend his money on others, but he told me a few days back he's always worried to spend money incase he loses his job or if anything like that were to ever happen again.

    With the Christmas presents thing, I just think it's because he knows people are worse off in this World so he just feels guilty. He cares a lot about other people.

    His Dad lives up North and hasn't really bothered with him lately. He hasn't seen him for almost a year which is his Dad's fault. His Grandad was more of a Dad to him and overtime he thinks about his Grandad or Great Nan he still gets quite upset. At the cemetery, he said he was just looking at his Grandad's name and it felt like a bad dream and he was thinking it just couldn't be happening.

    He's a really really nice guy and we're happy. I just think he's going through a bit of a rough patch. Bit odd but when it's sunny he seems to be in happier moods!
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    (Original post by natasherrrrr93)
    I think it's because he was poorer when he was younger. Him, his Mum and sister had nothing at the end of one week when he was about 10. They walked 3 miles to a store to get a refund on something for £3 then bought some cans of food, and walked the 3 miles back home. He'll spend his money on others, but he told me a few days back he's always worried to spend money incase he loses his job or if anything like that were to ever happen again.

    With the Christmas presents thing, I just think it's because he knows people are worse off in this World so he just feels guilty. He cares a lot about other people.

    His Dad lives up North and hasn't really bothered with him lately. He hasn't seen him for almost a year which is his Dad's fault. His Grandad was more of a Dad to him and overtime he thinks about his Grandad or Great Nan he still gets quite upset. At the cemetery, he said he was just looking at his Grandad's name and it felt like a bad dream and he was thinking it just couldn't be happening.

    He's a really really nice guy and we're happy. I just think he's going through a bit of a rough patch. Bit odd but when it's sunny he seems to be in happier moods!
    Sounds like a lovely fella. Please continue to support him during his difficult ruminations and remind him HE deserves happiness too. He needn't feel guilty for the gift.

    People pleasers, co-dependents, depressives and Highly Sensitive Personae are very prone to toxic guilt and shame. Imo he's a bit of all of them (mostly depressive HSP)

    Re: sunlight, not odd at all. A) Vitamin D, b) release of melatonin at correct time (before sleep)=deeper more restful sleep in turn more positive nood next day, c) increased serotonin 'feel.good' chemical, d) cultural association of sunlight with happiness, warmth, optimism and other positive emotions. Hence lack of.sunlight in winter=increased risk of Seasonal Affective Disorder (abbrev. SAD for a reason!)
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    Sounds like a lovely fella. Please continue to support him during his difficult ruminations and remind him HE deserves happiness too. He needn't feel guilty for the gift.

    People pleasers, co-dependents, depressives and Highly Sensitive Personae are very prone to toxic guilt and shame. Imo he's a bit of all of them (mostly depressive HSP)

    Re: sunlight, not odd at all. A) Vitamin D, b) release of melatonin at correct time (before sleep)=deeper more restful sleep in turn more positive nood next day, c) increased serotonin 'feel.good' chemical, d) cultural association of sunlight with happiness, warmth, optimism and other positive emotions. Hence lack of.sunlight in winter=increased risk of Seasonal Affective Disorder (abbrev. SAD for a reason!)
    Thank You.

    You don't think he is actually gay do you? That other person keeps insisting it and messaged me like as if he was some expert.

    I just think he's genuinely missing his Grandad and Great Nan, and he's feeling a bit spoilt which he hates!
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    Sounds like a lovely fella. Please continue to support him during his difficult ruminations and remind him HE deserves happiness too. He needn't feel guilty for the gift.

    People pleasers, co-dependents, depressives and Highly Sensitive Personae are very prone to toxic guilt and shame. Imo he's a bit of all of them (mostly depressive HSP)

    Re: sunlight, not odd at all. A) Vitamin D, b) release of melatonin at correct time (before sleep)=deeper more restful sleep in turn more positive nood next day, c) increased serotonin 'feel.good' chemical, d) cultural association of sunlight with happiness, warmth, optimism and other positive emotions. Hence lack of.sunlight in winter=increased risk of Seasonal Affective Disorder (abbrev. SAD for a reason!)
    Pretty sure your bf uses TSR because ive seen him post this story before

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    (Original post by arminb)
    This is bull****.^^^
    And everyone goes through depression at some point in their life. The best thing you can do is to be supportive and try to make him open up to you. You shouldn't start nagging at him or putting him under pressure. That's as much as I can say.
    I agree with this 100%. He sounds like a nice person who's going through a rough patch. As his partner, OP should be trying to get to the bottom of the issue and supporting him. Speaking as someone who is also going through a very difficult time this is what would help me feel better.

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    (Original post by natasherrrrr93)
    Thank You.

    You don't think he is actually gay do you? That other person keeps insisting it and messaged me like as if he was some expert.

    I just think he's genuinely missing his Grandad and Great Nan, and he's feeling a bit spoilt which he hates!
    Np!

    Reread OP. The Juan is being trolly and facetious, ignore.

    In different circumstances he could have been gay, however he wouldn't be insecure around girls shirtless if so (unless he was bi). Nothing else suggests it.

    In a nasty scenario he has cheating/incoming breakup guilt, if he is HSP as you say though this is out of character and would be unbearable. Also the fact his Manager shared their concerns gives weight to this all being above board, strongly doubt a change in his feelings towards you.

    My layman diagnosis, he is suffering low self esteem with self deprecation symptoms, feelings of toxic guilt/burdening and poor body image. This compounded with missing his grandparents would make for a potential case of mild depression.


    If anyone deserves to be spoiled, it's him. Just let him know that ;(
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    (Original post by quinlov)
    Pretty sure your bf uses TSR because ive seen him post this story before

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    Hi sorry did you quote the wrong person? I'm not OP
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    Hi sorry did you quote the wrong person? I'm not OP
    Yeah I did sorry

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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    Hi sorry did you quote the wrong person? I'm not OP
    (Original post by Manitude)
    I agree with this 100%. He sounds like a nice person who's going through a rough patch. As his partner, OP should be trying to get to the bottom of the issue and supporting him. Speaking as someone who is also going through a very difficult time this is what would help me feel better.

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    (Original post by sr90)
    He sounds just like me, I often get told the same thing but if i'm feeling down it's hard to see that other people think highly of me. Is there something that's bothering him? For example it's Christmas time which most people spend with their family, perhaps he's feeling a bit down because he doesn't have much family?

    Ignore the troll above. I'll get someone to deal with him.
    Hey thanks for your replies.

    He seemed more talkative on Saturday so I asked him what was up when we were watching telly. All he said was he felt like he never deserved anything at Christmas because he felt bad for not running in the marathon earlier in the year to raise money for what his Grandad died of. It wasn't he just said "no" to the marathon, but he said he's bad at stuff like that, but would be more than happy to do a sponsored cycle or something... he loves cycling. He said he felt bad about not taking part and looking as if he didn't care about raising any money.

    He also said a manager keeps stressing him out at work and is expecting too much of him and he's worried to say anything. Sometimes he doesn't get things finished so he feels like he's done a bad job.

    I told him not to worry. All his family love him and care about him, and with work, each day is a new day and it sounds like he does a lot more than some other people! I told him there's no point in working for nothing which he basically is if he doesn't buy himself anything and saves for nothing. So on Sunday, we went to town and I forced him to buy a new camera he's wanted for a while. I think because he's never really had that sort of money... he feels bad for saving it. On Sunday, he also donated £50 to a charity (over the web) and we went for a nice meal. He seemed happier! About his body... he's cute. I made sure he knew that, that evening.

    x
 
 
 
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