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Am I being too sensitive? Watch

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    My boyfriend and I sat down to dinner with his family and his dad says "My mouth feels sore, I think I may have an ulcer" and then my boyfriend goes "It's all that **** you have been sucking."

    This is not the only time he has done it. He's made all sorts of sexist, racist, homophobic jokes which are for the large part harmless and I have no problem with this but sometimes they overstep the line.

    I found this pretty awkward and fair enough if his dad joked back at him but he didn't he looked really annoyed and just told him to shut it. His mum and grandma also looked pretty horrified but my boyfriend just kept laughing away and the brother in law also found it funny.

    Later that day I told him that I thought his joke overstepped the line and I didn't think his parents appreciated it. I also said if he directed that joke at me I would of felt really embarrassed in front of everyone and offended. He just rolled his eyes and said "Why would you feel offended? I think people feel offended far too easily and should get a grip." He also said he does not respect people who feel offended and said that I was being too prudish. I told him that I see his point but I genuinely would have had hurt feelings because I would have felt demeaned and disrespected and I can't help that I have those feelings whether I like them or not.

    He took what I said on board but he doesn't respect the fact that my feelings would have been hurt had he done it. He then said that he just has a dark sense of humour and has a few friends who would have gladly gone along with it and given it back. I said that is all well and good but his family and myself clearly don't appreciate it like they do.

    Then he got annoyed because he felt like I was trying to make him "well behaved" and be something he isn't??? I am all for dark humour and stuff but there is a time and a place. Also when we are back at our own flat and with our own friends he is never like this he only seems to get like this when he goes back to his parents, so it's a completely different side to the one I'm used to seeing.

    Am I being too oversensitive? It's just I know i'm not the only one at that table who thought this otherwise I would not say anything. It's something I suppose you had to be there to see to fully understand where I'm coming from but I think if the other person is not laughing and offended then surely it's not funny?
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    You're certainly not being too over sensitive. I have a pretty crude sense of humour and would make those types of jokes, but certainly not to my dad with various other family members around, certainly not if I knew he wouldn't go a long with the joke. He needs to tell his jokes around the right people and not within ear shot of those who won't take it nicely.

    Moral of the story, tell him to grow up.
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    Nope, you're not.

    God save my soul if I ever said such a thing to my parents amongst guests.
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    Depends how well you, him and his dad all get on.

    If they feel comfortable enough to joke in such a manner around you, they are surely at ease.
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    As you pointed out, you can't help the way you feel and if this continues, just be more assertive about the fact you won't accept it from him.
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    Well, I think that you're taking it too far with how hurt you would be if he said it to you since it's clearly meaningless. Still, it's a bit awkward for him to say it to his dad with you around but if he has that relationship with his dad then that's alright. In this case he seems to be annoyed by his son's jokes though.
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    And they say kids have no respect for their parents :lol:
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    I'm with you. Unless he has some seriously good redeeming features I give him the old heave-ho. And if you do stick with him give him a taste of his own medicine with a few howlers of your own.
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    You seem to be getting way too offended for no reason. It's like girls who get pissed off at their partners because they dreamed the guy had cheated on them. Real emotions in hypothetical situations are not helpful.
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    Lol. I could not spend a lot of time with people who make "jokes" like that...
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    A mixed bunch of answers! Thank you all for answering. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't the only one who thought this.

    To answer some posters, like I said if his Dad was completely fine with it and joked back at him I would have no problem with this. I would find it weird but no problem. However his Dad didn't look impressed so did his mum and granny.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend and I sat down to dinner with his family and his dad says "My mouth feels sore, I think I may have an ulcer" and then my boyfriend goes "It's all that **** you have been sucking."

    This is not the only time he has done it. He's made all sorts of sexist, racist, homophobic jokes which are for the large part harmless and I have no problem with this but sometimes they overstep the line.

    I found this pretty awkward and fair enough if his dad joked back at him but he didn't he looked really annoyed and just told him to shut it. His mum and grandma also looked pretty horrified but my boyfriend just kept laughing away and the brother in law also found it funny.

    Later that day I told him that I thought his joke overstepped the line and I didn't think his parents appreciated it. I also said if he directed that joke at me I would of felt really embarrassed in front of everyone and offended. He just rolled his eyes and said "Why would you feel offended? I think people feel offended far too easily and should get a grip." He also said he does not respect people who feel offended and said that I was being too prudish. I told him that I see his point but I genuinely would have had hurt feelings because I would have felt demeaned and disrespected and I can't help that I have those feelings whether I like them or not.

    He took what I said on board but he doesn't respect the fact that my feelings would have been hurt had he done it. He then said that he just has a dark sense of humour and has a few friends who would have gladly gone along with it and given it back. I said that is all well and good but his family and myself clearly don't appreciate it like they do.

    Then he got annoyed because he felt like I was trying to make him "well behaved" and be something he isn't??? I am all for dark humour and stuff but there is a time and a place. Also when we are back at our own flat and with our own friends he is never like this he only seems to get like this when he goes back to his parents, so it's a completely different side to the one I'm used to seeing.

    Am I being too oversensitive? It's just I know i'm not the only one at that table who thought this otherwise I would not say anything. It's something I suppose you had to be there to see to fully understand where I'm coming from but I think if the other person is not laughing and offended then surely it's not funny?
    I have to say I burst out laughing when I read this. I too have a very dark sense of humor.

    I think the key to your conflicted feelings is this

    "he is never like this he only seems to get like this when he goes back to his parents"

    he's learned this from his family. probably his dad. I know my family is pretty wild when no ones around. but then as soon as guests or what ever come round we're afraid of them being freaked out so we attempt to put on this "prim n propper" routine. for example. my mom regularly calls me a c**t. it's hilarious. however if i brought a girlfriend back she would never do it infront of her because she would think this "guest" wouldn't get it.

    now with his dad not finding it funny. it could be either the above mentioned reason. or the maybe he was just not in the mood. its a bit like with siblings when you play rough sometimes its fun but sometimes one of you isn't in the mood and it gets ugly.

    I can relate to the "trying to make him "well behaved" and be something he isn't"
    I think gf's commonly have a bad habit of doing this.
    and by doing what i mean is this.
    and now this is just based on my experience so take it with a pinch of salt.
    but I've noticed guys tend to be themselves as they age. girls tend to be an act until they lose their looks and only then start to try n figure out who they really are.
    the relevance of this becomes apparent in relationships.
    when you meet a girl you are your self and your doing your thing and she says she "loves it". but then after dating for a certain time. the girl expects you to change. because she will change. she will go from being your "fan" to trying to be your "nan" and be nagging you about behavior you always did. some times this becomes extra psychologically messed up when the girl actually starts trying to tell you "you've changed" to try and make you doubt your self so she can mold you a bit more. now I'm not saying your like that. but a lot of guys have dated girls like that and may be on guard for it.


    however these lines below are concerning.

    "he does not respect people who feel offended" "too prudish"

    ok so "too prudish" people only seem to accuse me of this for having standards of either hygiene or manners. no you cannot just talk to me any way at any time. I have standards.

    like if i just started smearing my own feces on the wall and someone said "stop" i wouldnt think calling them a "prude" is an acceptable rebuttal.

    the "not respect people who feel offended" is one of the most stupid lines i've ever heard.

    if your carelessly offending people then you don't have respect for them in the first place.
    and everyone is offended by something. no matter how obscure.

    so basically what he's saying is he doesn't respect anyone. including himself.


    I mean its basic stuff on manners, decency and civility.

    like I get it comedy is risky and subjective.

    like if he agreed that theres a time and a place but still disagreed with your judgement of the dad incident then ok.

    but he seems to be saying that you can say anything anytime anywhere.

    which would just make me think i can't take him to nice places where he might essentially ruin my reputation by association.
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    (Original post by Arkasia)
    You seem to be getting way too offended for no reason. It's like girls who get pissed off at their partners because they dreamed the guy had cheated on them. Real emotions in hypothetical situations are not helpful.
    Me having **** in my mouth is not a hypothetical situation though...
    And it's not an image I would like his entire family to have of me in their heads.
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    (Original post by Mick.w)
    I have to say I burst out laughing when I read this. I too have a very dark sense of humor.

    I think the key to your conflicted feelings is this

    "he is never like this he only seems to get like this when he goes back to his parents"

    he's learned this from his family. probably his dad. I know my family is pretty wild when no ones around. but then as soon as guests or what ever come round we're afraid of them being freaked out so we attempt to put on this "prim n propper" routine. for example. my mom regularly calls me a c**t. it's hilarious. however if i brought a girlfriend back she would never do it infront of her because she would think this "guest" wouldn't get it.

    now with his dad not finding it funny. it could be either the above mentioned reason. or the maybe he was just not in the mood. its a bit like with siblings when you play rough sometimes its fun but sometimes one of you isn't in the mood and it gets ugly.

    I can relate to the "trying to make him "well behaved" and be something he isn't"
    I think gf's commonly have a bad habit of doing this.
    and by doing what i mean is this.
    and now this is just based on my experience so take it with a pinch of salt.
    but I've noticed guys tend to be themselves as they age. girls tend to be an act until they lose their looks and only then start to try n figure out who they really are.
    the relevance of this becomes apparent in relationships.
    when you meet a girl you are your self and your doing your thing and she says she "loves it". but then after dating for a certain time. the girl expects you to change. because she will change. she will go from being your "fan" to trying to be your "nan" and be nagging you about behavior you always did. some times this becomes extra psychologically messed up when the girl actually starts trying to tell you "you've changed" to try and make you doubt your self so she can mold you a bit more. now I'm not saying your like that. but a lot of guys have dated girls like that and may be on guard for it.


    however these lines below are concerning.

    "he does not respect people who feel offended" "too prudish"

    ok so "too prudish" people only seem to accuse me of this for having standards of either hygiene or manners. no you cannot just talk to me any way at any time. I have standards.

    like if i just started smearing my own feces on the wall and someone said "stop" i wouldnt think calling them a "prude" is an acceptable rebuttal.

    the "not respect people who feel offended" is one of the most stupid lines i've ever heard.

    if your carelessly offending people then you don't have respect for them in the first place.
    and everyone is offended by something. no matter how obscure.

    so basically what he's saying is he doesn't respect anyone. including himself.


    I mean its basic stuff on manners, decency and civility.

    like I get it comedy is risky and subjective.

    like if he agreed that theres a time and a place but still disagreed with your judgement of the dad incident then ok.

    but he seems to be saying that you can say anything anytime anywhere.

    which would just make me think i can't take him to nice places where he might essentially ruin my reputation by association.
    Thank you for replying.

    I think he gets this behaviour from his old friends from home who he usually shares these types of jokes with. I should clarify that when I said "he's only like this when he goes back to his parents" what I really mean is when he goes back to his home town, where his parents and friends live.

    I know some of his family does swear and have northerner jokes (I am from the south) and have like you said a "prim and proper" face on but I don't think they joke as low like he does nor are they happy with it.

    And to answer something else you said, I am not trying to change him (I know you didn't direct what you said at me though) I love who he is and I hate people who nag but when he goes back home he's too overbearing and turns into someone he isn't. To me, this is not the "true him" I'm used to but he claims he is. So was he putting on an act the entire time?

    I also agree in that i didn't like that he called me a prude and that he didn't respect people who felt offended. I felt like then he wouldn't respect the fact that I had hurt feelings...or just didn't respect me full stop.

    I feel kind of stupid because in the end I told him I'd rather he stayed true to who he was then feel he had to put on his "best behaviour" act all the time and end up resenting me. But I think I only said that because I thought maybe I was just being oversensitive and it was just a thing guys do. Now I'm starting to think I wasn't wrong but the window has passed to bring it up again...I feel like I let him off with his bad behaviour and he'll just do it again.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you for replying.

    I think he gets this behaviour from his old friends from home who he usually shares these types of jokes with. I should clarify that when I said "he's only like this when he goes back to his parents" what I really mean is when he goes back to his home town, where his parents and friends live.

    I know some of his family does swear and have northerner jokes (I am from the south) and have like you said a "prim and proper" face on but I don't think they joke as low like he does nor are they happy with it.

    And to answer something else you said, I am not trying to change him (I know you didn't direct what you said at me though) I love who he is and I hate people who nag but when he goes back home he's too overbearing and turns into someone he isn't. To me, this is not the "true him" I'm used to but he claims he is. So was he putting on an act the entire time?

    I also agree in that i didn't like that he called me a prude and that he didn't respect people who felt offended. I felt like then he wouldn't respect the fact that I had hurt feelings...or just didn't respect me full stop.

    I feel kind of stupid because in the end I told him I'd rather he stayed true to who he was then feel he had to put on his "best behaviour" act all the time and end up resenting me. But I think I only said that because I thought maybe I was just being oversensitive and it was just a thing guys do. Now I'm starting to think I wasn't wrong but the window has passed to bring it up again...I feel like I let him off with his bad behaviour and he'll just do it again.
    well you could tell him something like this. obviously you have your own delivery.

    "I'm going to tell you something. Either you will take it in and respect what I have to say or you won't. But I won't have anyone say I didn't communicate with you.

    The incident with your dad which we spoke about has been on my mined since then. I regret saying what I said at the time and I think I just said what I said because I was afraid of being accused of trying to change you. I don't want that. But I was bothered by that situation and the general careless disregard you seem to have when your back home. Maybe thats the real you. But it's not the you I met. It's a different side to you and it troubles me. Now I can't change how I feel about this. I'm just letting you know how I feel and where I'm at. I'd like to know how you feel about what I've said."

    now you can pick and chose on that or completely disregard it but its an idea. Its what I would say.

    and I think this "I felt like then he wouldn't respect the fact that I had hurt feelings...or just didn't respect me full stop. "

    is an understandable worry that I think you should bring up.

    something I forgot to ask. was he drunk at the time of the comment. or had he been drinking?
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    I have a friend who will happily make sexual jokes to his parents, but the parents are cool with it. Maybe the dad was annoyed because it was around you? Like he doesn't want to appear immature to his son's girlfriend.

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    (Original post by Mick.w)
    well you could tell him something like this. obviously you have your own delivery.

    "I'm going to tell you something. Either you will take it in and respect what I have to say or you won't. But I won't have anyone say I didn't communicate with you.

    The incident with your dad which we spoke about has been on my mined since then. I regret saying what I said at the time and I think I just said what I said because I was afraid of being accused of trying to change you. I don't want that. But I was bothered by that situation and the general careless disregard you seem to have when your back home. Maybe thats the real you. But it's not the you I met. It's a different side to you and it troubles me. Now I can't change how I feel about this. I'm just letting you know how I feel and where I'm at. I'd like to know how you feel about what I've said."

    now you can pick and chose on that or completely disregard it but its an idea. Its what I would say.

    and I think this "I felt like then he wouldn't respect the fact that I had hurt feelings...or just didn't respect me full stop. "

    is an understandable worry that I think you should bring up.

    something I forgot to ask. was he drunk at the time of the comment. or had he been drinking?
    Thanks for replying again!

    I did talk to him and I think he's taken it on board.

    He probably thinks I have little-no sense of humour now but so be it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me having **** in my mouth is not a hypothetical situation though...
    And it's not an image I would like his entire family to have of me in their heads.
    Did he say that to you in front of his family though?
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    (Original post by Arkasia)
    Did he say that to you in front of his family though?
    No he didn't. But it was the fact he had total apathy and didn't respect nor understand why I would be so bothered if he had done - which I think is quite obvious!
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    My humor is twisted beyond belief.

    An example of this is me saying to my own dad "Well you're about as much fun as masturbating you"

    In front of the parents of a girl im seeing.....Errrr no.....That's not the right time for that sort of humor.

    Honestly If I was your dad at that point. Id be dragging him out the door by his ears.

    Ive just read the rest of what you've said on this thread. Doesn't seem like he has much respect for others. Especially you.
 
 
 
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