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    Blonde in Disguise

    A blonde wanted to buy a TV, so she went into the store. She found one she wanted, and asked the shop assistant what the price was. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was. The blonde walked out, and got her hair colored into red. Next day, she walked in, and asked the shop assistant how much her chosen TV was. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes," his reply was again. She was confused. So, again, she walked out. She got her hair colored into black. Next day, she walked in, and asked how much was her chosen TV. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes!" his reply was again. Now the blonde was really confused. "How did you know I was a blonde?" asked the girl. "Well, because what you've got there is a microwave. "

    What did Bruce Lee catch?

    The kung flu!

    A Blonde in real life

    This is a true incident, and thought you might enjoy it.
    While my wife and I were on our way out to dinner with another couple, my buddy's girlfriend, a blond, decided to tell us a blond joke. It went something like this:
    The Blond: You guys want to hear a blond joke?
    Us: Sure!
    The Blond: If you have two blonds and a brunette, what is the brunette doing?
    Me: Interpreting.
    The Blond: No, she's translating!
    (at this point I almost crashed the car cuz my eyes were filled with tears from laughing so hard.) The boyfriend, trying to help, is attempting to explain why the three of us are dying. Her next words:
    The Blond: But they're not the same thing! One is when there are different languages.
    Fortunately, we reached the restaurant then, because I was unable to drive much farther before hitting something

    The Blonde Painter

    One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "HI,is there anything I could do for your house or u???"
    The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
    The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
    The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
    The quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
    25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?"
    surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
    he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"

    Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

    The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

    Deer Tracks

    Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

    Have another Drink

    A brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette says to the barkeep, "I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's a BL?" The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"
    So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead says, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The redhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"
    After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert, turns to the blonde.
    She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and then says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is a Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."
    The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and Seven. DUH!"

    3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability

    Locked Out

    Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
    Blonde #1: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
    Blonde #2: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

    What did the judge say to the dentist?

    Do you swear to pull the tooth and nothing but the tooth?

    Drive Time

    There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
    The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
    The blonde replies, "Yes."
    The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
    "Are they close?"
    "Are they going to stop us?"
    "I don't know."
    The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
    The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

    One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

    She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

    The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

    So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

    Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

    Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

    A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

    Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

    Row Your Boat

    There's a blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field, just rowing and rowing her heart out. Another blonde comes down the road, looks into the field, and stares at the first blonde.
    "What do you think you're doing?!" she asks.
    "I'm rowing, and I'd better hurry up! I'm going to be late!" says the first girl.
    The second girl gets mad. "What?! You know, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I could swim, I'd come out there and slap you silly!"

    They Are Getting Smarter

    A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.
    The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of you don't know. I know ALL of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb."
    The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, "Ok ... what's the capital of Texas?"
    To which she smugly replied, "T."

    No, Over There

    There were two blondes driving to disney land in Los Angeles. The were looking for signs that would lead them there. One of them finally saw a sign. It said "Disney, Left .... so they turned around and went back home

    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

    Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

    Blonde One Liners and Riddles

    How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
    How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
    Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
    Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
    How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
    What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
    Why don't blondes make kool-aid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
    What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
    Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for Toes G o In First.
    How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 5--2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.
    How do you give a blonde a brain transplant .... blow in her ear.
    What do blondes and beer bottles have in common .... they're both empty from the neck up.
    What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear .... thanks for the refill.
    What's the mating call of a brunette .... Is that darn blonde gone yet?
    Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink .... that's where you wash vegetables.
    How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her ear.
    What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped zones.
    What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you .... pull the pin and throw it back.
    Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall .... to see what was on the other side.
    How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... 6 - 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.
    How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb .... two .... one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.
    The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went .... it finally dawned on her.
    Brunette to the blonde .... Awww, look at the dead birdie .... the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?
    How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer .... there is "white-out" all over the screen.
    How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the "white-out".
    Why do blondes wear ear muffs? .... to avoid the draft.
    What did the blonde visiting O.J. think this was .... spilled finger nail polish.
    What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears .... trying to hold on to a thought.
    Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? .... because it said "concentrate".
    Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet .... she thought it was diet "coke".
    Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering .... the noise gave her a headache.
    Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips .... from trying to blow out lightbulbs.
    Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar .... she heard that the drinks were on the house.
    Why don't blondes have elevator jobs .... they don't know the route.
    Why does blondes have elevator jobs .... they like going up and down.
    Why do blondes work seven days a week .... so you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
    How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work .... she opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it
    How did the blonde die drinking milk.......the cow sat down
    Why don't blondes make chocolate chip cookies .... it takes to long to get the shells off the M & M's
    Why can't the blonde keep a job at the M & M factory .... she keeps throwing away the W's
    What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts .... change
    How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 10 .... one to mix the dough and nine to sort out the W's
    How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies .... 3 .... one to make batter and two to peel the M & Ms.
    How can you tell if a blonde has baked chocolate cookies .... there are M & M hulls all over the floor
    How can you tell if a blonde is going to back chocolate cookies .... she is throwing out all of the W's
    What is written at the bottom of a blonde's fishing pond .... bring your own fish
    Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool .... no smoking
    what does a blond do when someone says its chili outside .... she grabs a bowl
    what do you call a blonde with one brain cell .... gifted
    What do you call a blonde with two brain cells .... pregnant
    What is a blond with brunette died hair .... artificial intelligence
    Why did the blond stare at the orange juice .... it said concentrate
    Why Can't Blondes get "mad Cow Disease .... you can't get it twice
    How do you sink a submarine full of blondes .... knock on the door
    What stops then goes, stops then goes .... A blonde at a blinking red light
    What do you call two blondes in the freezer .... frosted flakes
    Pepsi came out with a new can just for blondes .... It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.
    Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears .... they're refuelling
    Why do blondes comb their bangs strait up .... They don't want anything going over their head
    How did the blonds brain cell die .... alone
    What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios .... Hey, Look!! A bunch of doughnut seeds
    What do you call a smart blond .... Labrador
    How many blonde jokes are there? .... none, they're all true
    Why don't blonds ever become pharmacists .... It's too hard to fit the bottle in the typewriter
    Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio .... she didn't want one for nights
    Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet .... she was last years hide and seek winner
    Why are there blonde jokes .... to make brunettes jealous
    Why doesn't a blonde make Kool Aid .... couldn't get 8 glasses of water in the little packet
    What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in the handicapped zone
    What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under water .... a blonde trying to put it out
    What do you call a blonde with a brand new P.C .... a dumb terminal
    How do you call a blond .... you don't .... you whistle
    What does a blond say when she see's a banana skin on the side walk .... am going to fall again
    I'm a blonde and still like blonde jokes .... must have been written by a true blonde
    Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand .... so brunettes can understand them
    How did the blond burn her ear .... the phone rang while she was ironing
    What's a blond between 2 brunette .... a mental block
    Why do blondes wear their hair up .... to catch anything that goes over their heads
    Why does a blonde smile when there is lightening .... she thinks she is getting her picture taken
    There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but they could not get in .... the sign said, "must be 18 to enter"
    How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb .... only one .... she holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her
    What do you call 3 blondes that walk into a building .... beats me .... you would think one of them would have seen it
    How do you drown a blonde .... glue a penny to the bottom of a pool
    Why are there no brunette jokes .... because blondes would have to think them up
    How does a blonde make instant pudding .... places the box in the microwave, and looks for the "instant pudding setting
    How do you confuse a blonde, put three shovels against the wall and tell her .... to take her "PICK"
    How do you drive a blonde crazy .... put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner
    Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead .... trying to make up her mind
    What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes .... interpreter
    What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box .... a case of empties
    Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink .... that is where you clean all vegetables
    Why did it take the blonde 7 days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago .... she kept seeing signs that read .... stop clean bath room
    A blonde went to the doctor's with burnt feet, "how did you do it" asked the doctor" .... "cooking soup .... the instructions said "open can .... stand in boiling water for 7 minutes
    Why can't a blonde make ice cubes .... Don't know the recipe
    How do you get rid of blondes .... form a circle, give each a gun and tell them they are a firing squad
    Why did the blonde buy a brown cow .... to get chocolate milk

    The Truck Driver and the Priest

    A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

    As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

    The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

    "I'll give you a lift"

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

    The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

    A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

    'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

    She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

    So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

    Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
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