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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s5HMZYwdQo
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    At the Lab

    At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
    "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
    "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
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    How Much Is?

    A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!".
    The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
    The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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    The Brain Store

    A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
    So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
    "3 dollars an ounce."
    "How much for brain?"
    "4 dollars an ounce."
    "How much for lawyer brain?"
    "100 dollars an ounce."
    "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
    "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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    Go Kristinx :p:
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    The Lawyer and the Bear

    A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
    "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
    "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
    "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
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    A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
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    The Bronze Rat

    A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
    "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
    "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
    The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
    Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
    Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill. He panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
    Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
    Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
    "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
    "No," says the tourist thoughtfully. "No, I was just wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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    The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

    1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

    2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

    3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

    4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

    5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

    6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

    7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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    Good News and Bad News

    Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
    "Give me the bad news first."
    "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
    "That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously.
    "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
    "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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    A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go **** herself!"
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    We Got A Lot

    A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
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    (Original post by A Y A Z)
    Go Kristinx :p:
    ah no point trying. we all know who is gonna get it now
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    Lightbulbs and Lawyers

    Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
    A2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
    A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
    A4: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
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    A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go **** herself!"
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    WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

    1300.01 GENERAL

    Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
    Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
    Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
    It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
    It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
    It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
    It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
    It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
    If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
    Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
    It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
    BAG LIMITS

    Yellow Bellied Sidewinder: 2
    Two-faced Tort Feasor: 1
    Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator: 4
    Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only): 3
    Big-mouthed Pub Gut: 2
    Honest Attorney: EXTINCT
    Cut-throat: 2
    Back-stabbing Whiner: 2
    Brown-nosed Judge Kisser: 2
    Silver-tongued Drug Defender: $100 BOUNTY
    Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian: 7
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    i never give up !...grrr

    Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

    It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
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    Lawyer, Doctor and the Clergyman

    A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
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    My Daddy Is

    A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

    "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

    Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

    The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

    Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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    The Lovely Lawyer

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
    "But why?" asks the man.
    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

    :toofunny:
 
 
 
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