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    A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and ****, and then you disappear."
    • Thread Starter

    Who says so Charlotte?

    Aging Lawyer

    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

    St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

    Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start!


    A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

    Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: His lips are moving.

    A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes.. .No"

    Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

    Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

    Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

    Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
    A. A Lobotomy.

    Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
    A. Who cares?

    Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
    A. A waste of cement.

    Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
    A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
    A2: Take your foot off his head.
    A3: Excuse me, I don´t understand the point of the question.

    Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

    Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
    A1: Back over him to make sure.
    A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
    A: The bucket.

    Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
    A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

    Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
    A: There was an empty seat.

    Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
    A: Stick his bill up his ass.

    Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    A: An offer you can't understand.

    Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
    A: From chasing parked ambulances.

    Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
    A: In the cemetery.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
    A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
    A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

    Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
    A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

    Q: What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
    A: A hooker will stop ****ing you when you're dead.

    Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
    A: It might be your bicycle.

    Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
    A: Their personalities.

    Q: What's black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?
    A: A doberman.

    Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
    A: Deep down their good.

    Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    A: One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

    Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
    A: They get so much practice screwing people.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
    A: The lawyer charges more.

    Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
    A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.

    Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other misc. profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
    A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

    is this still going on i may enter

    A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

    Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
    Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? . . . He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
    God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
    When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
    An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
    "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
    Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law
    When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
    It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender.
    "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
    The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
    There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
    If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator . . . It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
    Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
    A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
    Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman walking towards them.
    The first lawyer says, "See that woman? Boy would I love to screw her."
    The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"
    • Thread Starter


    The Perfect Companion

    It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30's was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration.

    So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, "I have the perfect pet for you, sir," disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog.

    "A frog?" he asks disbelievingly.

    "Ah," says the salesman, "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund."

    Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say,

    "Excuse me."

    He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again,

    "Pardon me."

    The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming...from the frog?

    "Yes, over here."

    Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him.

    "I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there."

    The man is confused. "You...you talk?"

    The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--"

    The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?"

    The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different."

    Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humourous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.

    Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat.

    "I wonder..." it begins tentatively, "I wonder if you would mind very much..."

    "What is it?" the man asks.

    "Well," the frog says, "I feel so close to you...I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together...I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you...do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?"

    Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough.

    "Excuse me," the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses.

    The man sighs. "What do you want?"

    The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to...that is...you see, I've always been kissed good night, before."

    The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog."

    The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..."

    Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog...

    <<< POOF!! >>

    When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him.

    "And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."

    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

    Randy The Rooster

    This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

    The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

    Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

    "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

    Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

    The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

    Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

    A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

    The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
    So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

    police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

    Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

    Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

    Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

    Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

    At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

    Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

    Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
    • Thread Starter

    I'm laughing so much my stomach pains!

    Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
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