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What to do:Friend with anorexia

Some questions about how you should best support a friend with anorexia,
1. From what Ive read you shouldn't nag your friend to eat etc., but surely you shouldn't just ignore the problem, for example, if I have lunch with me and she has none, should I not encourage her to have some etc?
2.Her parents know bout it, but she is not seeing any professional about it, Is anorexia similar to something like alcoholism in that the sufferer must admit themselves they have they have a problem, or can you force them to seek help?
3.Any other advice you think would be helpful?

By the way, she doesn't know that I know about this problem, is it best that I leave it this way?
Thanks for help

Reply 1

always + forever

you have my sympathy, I know it's hard to deal with. My own experience is limited, but I guess the main things are to show her that you are there for her, and to offer her support should she want it. I'm not sure that you should attempt to encourage her to eat - you're not a psychologist, and it's possible that by making food an issue, you will make things more difficult for her. Just ignore it, although I know this is hard to do. She needs to know she can spend time with people who aren't watching what she eats like a hawk.

In my (again limited) experience, anorexia is a bit like alcoholism in that the suffer needs to come to terms with their illness: they need to see that it is an illness, they need to learn to accept themselves as being an decent person and realise that by controlling their eating they aren't able to control everything else, and the there's more to life that your weight and so. I really don't think that anyone else can do this for the suffer, it has to come from within them. Of course, her parents can seek professional help for her, and this may help her understand her problems quicker than she would do on her own, but I doubt you are in the position to actually force her to go to the doctors, and for you to attempt that might only alienate her. What I'm trying to say, in a sentence, is stick by her, don't comment on her eating habits, how she looks, food etc, and make sure she knows your going to be around for her in the future. I know it sounds harsh to ignore her eating habits, but to constantly comment on it will result in it becoming an issue between the two of you, and that will make sustaining your friendship pretty hard

Reply 2

sidi

I would be inclined to tell her that I do know she has a problem, emphasize that I don't begin to understand it and urge her to get professional help. Then leave it, just be a good friend and encourage her to unburden on you if she wishes. This will be easier if you are unjudgmental, her family may be too involved to be dispassionate about it.Most importantly ask her how she would like you to behave, does she want you to ignore her eating habits or does she need you to persuade her that the odd apple won't do any harm.

Reply 3

Vampyrcorn

i've been in your situation before, you sound like a good friend so please do your best not to let it get you down. try to remember that if she's ill then the change must come from her and, although of course you can be supportive etc, if it takes her a long time to get better then it may be that there really is nothing you can do. sorry.. i don't want to sound patronising at all but i would worry loads about my friend and i felt incredibly guilty. it took me a while to accept that it's not my responsibility and if i can't fix it then it's not my fault.

ANYWAY, i would definately advise against nagging. anorexia is stemmed in more than just an obsession about food. think of it as a symptom for emotional unhappiness. So i would have thought that by bringing it up too much then you may run the risk of letting her become more self-conscious and insecure.

Equally, she should know that you are aware of the problem and that you care. so she knows she can talk to you and that you don't think less of her for it. so she doesn't feel alone or ashamed of it.

So what i would do is actually focus on other aspects of her life and see if there are any other more straightforward problems that you can help with. i suggest just having fun with her and trying to ensure that she thinks well of herself.

as for seeing a professional... i suppose her parents could force her to but it may be possible for her to get over this by herself without this becoming such a big issue. you're going to have to judge that for yourself.

good luck, i hope it turns out ok.

Reply 4

Jaydigity

Thnks for the good advice guys :redface:

Only thing is can i really just turn a blind eye to her eating habits, problem is that we're going to kenya net year (yay!) for three weeks and I think that I might be someway responsible for her.
If there's anyway who has/had anorexia, did they want their friends to know about it?I'm still unsure as to whether or not she would prefer for me to know or not.

Reply 5

Pippak

How do you know her? If you're in school or uni then you can get her help through them.

When I've had mates with obvious eating issues (although not full blown anorexia) I've mentioned stuff to them (in a sort of "apple? that looks like a nice pudding... what do you mean it's only lunch? Just be careful" sort of way.)

Can you not talk to her parents about it?

Reply 6

Jaydigity

Well it's like this. I know her through one of my best friends, she's in the year below me in secondary school. We're still quite friendly but the only thing is i don't see her so often as my other friends so it's hard to know what's going on.
I don't know if the school know bout it, don't think she'd appreciate me telling them!

Reply 7

Tag

annorexia is about control, therefore if you force somebody into getting help, the control they go to such extreme measures to have, is gone. again. Forcing somebody with control issues is a contradiction. They will most likely just find some other equally negative way of gaining control - alcohol, drugs, self-harm.

I know where you're coming from, it's a **** situation to be in, watching your friends tear themselves apart. Let them know that you are aware, concerned and that if they need to talk you are available. Then drop the subject completely. If you are constantly badgering them, even just to talk to you, it is likely to push them away, stop spending time with you. Just make an effort to show an interest in their life/ talk about random things bothering them, not nessissarily annorexia. They know you know. They know you care. Other than shoving a tube down their throat, there isn't much else you can do. Just give it some time.

unless your friend is dangerously underweight (I think hospitalisation begins around 6 or 6 and a half stone) then it's probably best to let him/her do things on their own terms. hth x

Reply 8

Guffy

Tag

unless your friend is dangerously underweight (I think hospitalisation begins around 6 or 6 and a half stone) then it's probably best to let him/her do things on their own terms. hth x

Surely that depends on the height of the individual? I have a friend who's 5'4" and weighs about 6 stone 9, and she's far from underweight. She has B cups and looks a completely normal build. Her stomach doesn't even have particularly noticeable definition.

Reply 9

Tag

not just the height, but the general build of the person, bones and hips and so on. that's why I said about. I think you can't get free counciling on the NHS if you're over something like seven stone, which is rediculous.

Reply 10

Lost_Cause

I was in a similar position about 2 years ago, a friend had become anorexic and even the teachers had caught onto it at school. As i am also friends with her brother i spoke to him about it and what her family knew, and i found out they were aware and wrried about her but werent sure what to do either. So i spoke to her, actually i was a bit of a wuss and emailled her, saying that i had noticed her not eating etc..., and it worked! You defintely have to empathise with your friend and try and find out why they are not eating, (it turned out that it was the stresses of exams -although she should have been the last person to worry as shes an absolute genius) Also try to get her to understand the affect its having not just on her health but others around her. By coming up with a solution together helped too. Rather than tell her and leaving her to her own devices.

I hope she gets well soon, and accepts your help.

Reply 11

Jaydigity

Thanks a million for ye're help, I guess it'll be tough to just accept it, but I spose it's what I need to do, I think I'll tell her that I know about it too.
Appreciate the advice!

Reply 12

username47781

Yeah you can't just ignore it, you could tell her how worried you are.

Problem is until she admits she has a problem she won't see that she has an eating problem.

Reply 13

friendsfreak88

Yeah it is difficult to help anyone with an eating disorder until they realise that they have a problem themselves and want to get help.

Like others have said though, I think it is best that you tell her you know so that she can confide in you if she wants to. I have suffered from eating problems in the past and talking to my friends about it really helped as they weren't judgemental but were just really supportive.

Reply 14

Peders

I have some experience with it as my mother has suffered from Anorexia since she was about 16. She has been hospitalised several times and has been down to around 5/6 stone. As far as i know she still suffers from it now.

It is very hard to do anything for that person as it is like depression where it is a mental problem and is often caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Often the person wont admit or simply refuses to see that there is any problem.

The best you can do is to encourage her to seek some help before the condition gets too bad and point out how concerned you are about her.

Reply 15

OC_girl

This sounds horrible but people with anorexia become very good at lying and manipulating. So take things she says with a pinch of salt, ie if she says she ate a few hours ago therefore is not having lunch- chances are she is lying.

It's thought by some pyschologists that behaviours are reinforced through classical and operant behaviour and people with anorexia can thrive on comments about their non-eating/weight loss. it can encourage them

but if i put myself in your position, i have no idea what i would do as not saying anything would seem heartless, but the attention may encourage her.

I hope you're ok. She has a support network presumably, but what about you? how is it effecting you? if you need to talk i am here.
xxx

Reply 16

Jaydigity

You're too good!Thanks anyway, but I'm grand :smile:

I'm sure it'll be tough at times, but I don't doubt it's harder for her than it is for me!

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Firstly, to be diagnosed as anorexic you have to come under many criteria, being 6/7 stone is not that. Your BMI has to be under 17.5, and you have to have no menstruation, and alot of other stuff. so to say don't get involved if her weight isnt 6 stone is silly and a completely arbitary measure.

Secondly, I previously suffered from anorexia, I would say I suffered mildly but again that may be denial. which your friend may do aswell. This whole thing is very difficult, I found myself torn between two things when my friends told me they were worried, one was 'oh my god, theyre getting upset and worried, this is terrible, what am I doing?' and another was 'oh theyve noticed I've lost weight, wow, this is so good, people are noticing I'm skinny, yes I've got this under control'.

What I suggest is talking to the girl's parents, and I appreciate this would be very hard but she needs professional help, and the sooner the better, even leave it another month and it might be beyond repair.

I really hope that some of this helps.

xxx