I'm 26 and have been seeing a girl for the last few weeks. We have a past. We were basically each others first loves about 8 years ago which like most first loves didn't work. We didn't talk for 4 years and got on with each others lives. I had a random dream about her about 4 years ago. We got back in contact, and the features of the dream literally came true. However, she was in a realtionship at the time so we couldn't really see each other and we remained friends. She recently split up with her boyfriend and we've started seeing each other.
Due to the nature of our past, it is not like dating someone completely new. There is an odd familiarity to it. The first time we just went for coffee and had a chat. We were both very nervous, much more so than I think we'd be if it were anyone else. She also suffers with OCD, an anxiety condition so she needs to have everything structured in order to cope, and when she see's me, she tends to need to time our meets, not too long (or she'll get too anxious) - and that is fine with me as I don't want to push her. The last time we met up it was for a shorter period but she kissed me.
In person it usually is easier, but we see each other maybe once a week or less, due to her job (she's a doctor), and her anxiety. The problem is, the anxiety is dehbilitating, and it is for me too. I dont even know why. She has told me she loves me, and I think she is telling the truth, but she struggles a lot. Most people would assume to say you love someone so early is a warning bell, but, we've known each other for a very long time, and only recently have started to see each other properly.
I am generally a very good person socially, people have told me (though I tend to underestimate myself I think sometimes), but with her I just go speechless, and the problem is, she does as well. We both obviously like each other... and honestly, out of the 8 or so years I've been in the relationship world, I've never known a girl I like as much as I do her. It feels for me at least, that is the reason I get so worried. I want to do it right, I want it to work properly. I have also known her a long time, and I think that it's the same for her (she has told me it is). I would do anything to help us both overcome this anxiety. I feel theres so much inside that I need/want to let out, but I'm afraid that she will get too scared and retreat if I do.
Saiyng all this, a more logical part of me feels that there isn't much that can get in the way of me and her. We've known each other for 8 years and though we haven't dated much in that time, we have a pretty clear understanding of each other. I feel like I understand her very well. She has even told me ''I feel you understand me better than anyone else, and that actually scares me that you can see right through me''.
She also has told me, that her biggest fear in life is being abandoned, and in relationships it translates as... she gets terrified of getting clsoe as she's scared of being hurt.
Now, what I am asking is... how should I act or be in order to reduce this anxiety between us? For me, what I feel would reduce my anxiety is to stop holding back, and to just tell her exactly what I feel, to take a risk. But the risk is great. Or, I could try to act more relaxed abotu it (it would have to be an act, I've tried every way under the sun to relax about it properly), and live with my anxiety... though I can't see how by doing this we could get any closer with each other. I imagine I need to make myself vulnerable to her in order to reduce the anxiety.
I'd really appreciate your help.
Turn on thread page Beta
Me and a girl I am dating get overwhelmingly nervous, what can we do? watch
- Thread Starter
- 03-01-2015 12:54
- 03-01-2015 13:30
Write her a letter and don't be afraid to be emotional about it. If you're concerned about it being a risk (it's probably not much of one), write several letters where you make yourself increasingly 'vulnerable', and see how she reacts. I like things in writing, so not everyone might appreciate this as much as I would, but it's an idea if you find it difficult to talk directly to her.
If she's scared of being abandoned then I'd have thought she'd be more comfortable knowing how much you care for her. Get things out it the open and I'm sure you'll feel better!