I don't know why I am writing this. I am usually on TSR to 'escape' from reality, to forget (for a moment) about my worries, about the fact that I have no one to talk to. I won't be making any sense, but I am writing this only to put my thinking into words. I struggle to talk to anyone about my problems in person. Even my own mother doesn't fully understand me. I don't really want to explain myself any more. I am just writing this (I feel it helps a little with the emptiness inside).
It's a fact that my life is upside down at the moment (quit my work, dropped out of Uni). My parents divorced more than 7 years ago (when I was 14). I love both my parents, I always secretly wanted them to be together. Recently my dad married again. The thing is, my dad doesn't really know/or care whether I love him and I honestly don't have the strength to prove. My mum nowadays misunderstands me a lot, we have a lot of fights. I love my mum more than anything, but again I am always misunderstood.
At the moment I don't even have a single friend. I never ever had a close friend. I know it's all my fault, because I am really bad in keeping up friendship (due to my depression).
I feel like an absolute failure in life, a failure as a daughter, sister, student, and now as a grand daughter. Yesterday, my brother got a text message from my dad (he lives in another country) informing us that my grand mother has died. I feel sooo saad, I can't stop crying thinking that she has left this world without knowing that I loved her, maybe more than all the other grand children. She has more grand children apart from me, but I am the only one who struggled to keep in touch with her (due to parents separation). It has been 2 years since I last talked to her on the phone and more than 13 years since I last saw her. Even my nanny (mum's mum) is extremely ill. I am extremely close to her. A lot of people are ill in my close family.
I can't express myself properly. I wish my loved ones, knew (without me telling, my failure to do so) how much I loved them. My grand mother who has died yesterday was very close to my other cousins, I wish I was the same to her. I wish she knows that wherever she is.
What is this world! I don't feel like doing anything anymore knowing that any time any one can leave this world. I have lost absolutely all interest, although I am thankful to God for this life. I have very big ambitions in life, but sometimes I think is it worth pursuing them (what if I die before that or what if in the end again I fail to achieve it). It's one thing to be a failure, but if you mean nothing to anyone in this world and no one is happy with you (loved ones), it just kills you.
I am a failure in life and a horrible person. Whoever is reading that, I just hope that your loved ones know that you love them.
I myself have struggled with depression and have also felt at times that my ambitions in life are entirely pointless in the grand scheme of things. However, recently I have come to realise that it is not the actual achievement of our goals which is important, but rather the pursuit of them. In truth, once we have achieved things that we think will make us happy, we find something else to fixate on which we believe is key to our fulfilment. The only way to be truly happy is to stop obsessing about the outcome and instead look at the way the pursuit of our goals has changed us and influenced our lives for the better. Just because you might not succeed, doesn't mean that trying is pointless.
I'm sure your Grandmother knew that you loved her and I bet you mean more to the people in your life than you realise. I'm sorry if this isn't exactly relevant, but when I read this I recognised something that I used to feel and this realisation has helped me a great deal. I hope this helps you, even just knowing that other people have been where you are.