I don't know why I am writing this. I am usually on TSR to 'escape' from reality, to forget (for a moment) about my worries, about the fact that I have no one to talk to. I won't be making any sense, but I am writing this only to put my thinking into words. I struggle to talk to anyone about my problems in person. Even my own mother doesn't fully understand me. I don't really want to explain myself any more. I am just writing this (I feel it helps a little with the emptiness inside).
It's a fact that my life is upside down at the moment (quit my work, dropped out of Uni). My parents divorced more than 7 years ago (when I was 14). I love both my parents, I always secretly wanted them to be together. Recently my dad married again. The thing is, my dad doesn't really know/or care whether I love him and I honestly don't have the strength to prove. My mum nowadays misunderstands me a lot, we have a lot of fights. I love my mum more than anything, but again I am always misunderstood.
At the moment I don't even have a single friend. I never ever had a close friend. I know it's all my fault, because I am really bad in keeping up friendship (due to my depression).
I feel like an absolute failure in life, a failure as a daughter, sister, student, and now as a grand daughter. Yesterday, my brother got a text message from my dad (he lives in another country) informing us that my grand mother has died. I feel sooo saad, I can't stop crying thinking that she has left this world without knowing that I loved her, maybe more than all the other grand children. She has more grand children apart from me, but I am the only one who struggled to keep in touch with her (due to parents separation). It has been 2 years since I last talked to her on the phone and more than 13 years since I last saw her. Even my nanny (mum's mum) is extremely ill. I am extremely close to her. A lot of people are ill in my close family.
I can't express myself properly. I wish my loved ones, knew (without me telling, my failure to do so) how much I loved them. My grand mother who has died yesterday was very close to my other cousins, I wish I was the same to her. I wish she knows that wherever she is.
What is this world! I don't feel like doing anything anymore knowing that any time any one can leave this world. I have lost absolutely all interest, although I am thankful to God for this life. I have very big ambitions in life, but sometimes I think is it worth pursuing them (what if I die before that or what if in the end again I fail to achieve it). It's one thing to be a failure, but if you mean nothing to anyone in this world and no one is happy with you (loved ones), it just kills you.
I am a failure in life and a horrible person. Whoever is reading that, I just hope that your loved ones know that you love them.