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I feel so torn....i just dont know what to do..
I had to post because I'm in such a dilemma at the moment and to save myself from crying I had to get this off my chest.
I have been chatting to this guy I knew from college for nearly 8 months via IM and we've become good friends. I have technically know him for nearly 5 years but as i said we've only started talking properly recently. At first we were really friendly and would talk about anything and everything on our minds. It was really good to have a friend to talk to ( especially a male friend - I am female btw). We have so much in common, like the same music, TV programmes and share similar values. The only thing that separates us is our colour - I am black and he is asian. I have never had a problem with skin colour and my friends are from all different backgrounds.
Over time we started flirting with each other but in a jockular way. We swapped numbers and I texted him asking him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee which he declined. I was understandably upset but did not make a big deal out of it. His reason was that he doesnt have any female friends and felt a little uncomfortable at the idea. Reasonable to me....no worries on that front. However last night we got talking about relationships and such and he was telling me what he wanted out of any relationship. One of these things is that she had to be of the same race and religion as himself. Fair enough... Until he said that he liked me a lot, thought we got on really well and was very attracted to me
but wouldnt be my boyfriend. Not that I was asking...but this left me a little confused and upset though I just smiled and carried on as normal.
I don't really know what to do....Shall we stay friends? It's painful knowing that we like each other but he won't do anything about it and I can't. He seemed a little confused at his feelings for me too.
I'm sorry this post is so long....but any comments or advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you in advance...
I have been chatting to this guy I knew from college for nearly 8 months via IM and we've become good friends. I have technically know him for nearly 5 years but as i said we've only started talking properly recently. At first we were really friendly and would talk about anything and everything on our minds. It was really good to have a friend to talk to ( especially a male friend - I am female btw). We have so much in common, like the same music, TV programmes and share similar values. The only thing that separates us is our colour - I am black and he is asian. I have never had a problem with skin colour and my friends are from all different backgrounds.
Over time we started flirting with each other but in a jockular way. We swapped numbers and I texted him asking him if he wanted to meet up for a coffee which he declined. I was understandably upset but did not make a big deal out of it. His reason was that he doesnt have any female friends and felt a little uncomfortable at the idea. Reasonable to me....no worries on that front. However last night we got talking about relationships and such and he was telling me what he wanted out of any relationship. One of these things is that she had to be of the same race and religion as himself. Fair enough... Until he said that he liked me a lot, thought we got on really well and was very attracted to me
but wouldnt be my boyfriend. Not that I was asking...but this left me a little confused and upset though I just smiled and carried on as normal. I don't really know what to do....Shall we stay friends? It's painful knowing that we like each other but he won't do anything about it and I can't. He seemed a little confused at his feelings for me too.
I'm sorry this post is so long....but any comments or advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you in advance...
Scroll to see replies
Reply 2
dh00001
course you can still be friends and try and carry on as you were. just because youre not going to go out there is no need to end a friendship, unless thats the only reason you started talking to him 
No no...I would never end our friendship...I value his friendship to much. I found him intellectually stimulating
which is why I started talking to him and being in a relationship with him had never crossed my mind initiallyHe was so nice about the whole 'us' thing I would be a fool not to still be friends with himReply 4
dh00001
oh right i mustve misunderstood what you were asking. if he doesnt want a relationship with you theres nothing you can do about it. im afraid youll just have to be happy with being friends. if hes not acting any different since that conversation theres no reason why you should.
Gosh the truth hurts ;no; But thanks for your help
I get the feeling that he is surprised to find that he likes me.....totally unexpected. I am a little surprised to find myself liking him too...Reply 5
Anyone else been in a similar situation?
Reply 7
dh00001
sorry but you need to realise that and make sure you know in your mind that nothing can happen
Yes I suppose that you are right. However, as it is still fresh - since it happened last night - I am still in shock to find out how he feels for me and has felt all along and then to make it final...WHAM! hits me right in the chest...
It will take some getting over...in time...I hope 
Reply 9
maag101
*hugs* I don't have any helpful advice, but you sound like you need a hug... so *hugs*
I do
so thanks *hugs* Reply 10
Anyone else able to offer any insight? I feel really low at the moment.... and confused
friends with benefits?
if you dont mind, of course
no need to be girlfrend/boyfriend... that way it relieves a HEAVY pressure on both parties. neither of you have to invest any energy, and there is no "he used me/she used me" stuff, and there is no such thing as cheating or anything either.
why need to be bf/gf every time? its just a NAME that you give a relationship. "wow im his girlfriend" means nothing at all. As Shakespeare said "whats in a name??"
to come to think of it, friends with benefits would be much better than bf/gf since you've known him for so long and already see him as a friend, but are also attracted to him at the same time. And so is he to you. So talk to him about it.
if you dont mind, of course
no need to be girlfrend/boyfriend... that way it relieves a HEAVY pressure on both parties. neither of you have to invest any energy, and there is no "he used me/she used me" stuff, and there is no such thing as cheating or anything either.
why need to be bf/gf every time? its just a NAME that you give a relationship. "wow im his girlfriend" means nothing at all. As Shakespeare said "whats in a name??"
to come to think of it, friends with benefits would be much better than bf/gf since you've known him for so long and already see him as a friend, but are also attracted to him at the same time. And so is he to you. So talk to him about it.
Reply 12
anjurdsg
friends with benefits?
if you dont mind, of course
no need to be girlfrend/boyfriend... that way it relieves a HEAVY pressure on both parties. neither of you have to invest any energy, and there is no "he used me/she used me" stuff, and there is no such thing as cheating or anything either.
why need to be bf/gf every time? its just a NAME that you give a relationship. "wow im his girlfriend" means nothing at all. As Shakespeare said "whats in a name??"
if you dont mind, of course
no need to be girlfrend/boyfriend... that way it relieves a HEAVY pressure on both parties. neither of you have to invest any energy, and there is no "he used me/she used me" stuff, and there is no such thing as cheating or anything either.
why need to be bf/gf every time? its just a NAME that you give a relationship. "wow im his girlfriend" means nothing at all. As Shakespeare said "whats in a name??"
Friends with benefits....haha now there's a thought
....No but on a serious note, its not that Im after the label but just to be with him and in his company would be nice No need to be called boyfriend / girlfriend....just 'good friends' (cliched i know ) Thanks for your advice and sorry if that didn't make sense - my mind is swarming with stuff 
Reply 13
anjurdsg
friends with benefits?
if you dont mind, of course
no need to be girlfrend/boyfriend... that way it relieves a HEAVY pressure on both parties. neither of you have to invest any energy, and there is no "he used me/she used me" stuff, and there is no such thing as cheating or anything either.
why need to be bf/gf every time? its just a NAME that you give a relationship. "wow im his girlfriend" means nothing at all. As Shakespeare said "whats in a name??"
to come to think of it, friends with benefits would be much better than bf/gf since you've known him for so long and already see him as a friend, but are also attracted to him at the same time. And so is he to you. So talk to him about it.
if you dont mind, of course
no need to be girlfrend/boyfriend... that way it relieves a HEAVY pressure on both parties. neither of you have to invest any energy, and there is no "he used me/she used me" stuff, and there is no such thing as cheating or anything either.
why need to be bf/gf every time? its just a NAME that you give a relationship. "wow im his girlfriend" means nothing at all. As Shakespeare said "whats in a name??"
to come to think of it, friends with benefits would be much better than bf/gf since you've known him for so long and already see him as a friend, but are also attracted to him at the same time. And so is he to you. So talk to him about it.
I wouldnt know how to....
What exactly does benefits mean? Forgive my ignorance of the subject....Anonymous
Friends with benefits....haha now there's a thought ....No but on a serious note, its not that Im after the label but just to be with him and in his company would be nice No need to be called boyfriend / girlfriend....just 'good friends' (cliched i know ) Thanks for your advice and sorry if that didn't make sense - my mind is swarming with stuff
....No but on a serious note, its not that Im after the label but just to be with him and in his company would be nice No need to be called boyfriend / girlfriend....just 'good friends' (cliched i know ) Thanks for your advice and sorry if that didn't make sense - my mind is swarming with stuff but consider what i told you
i've had many girlfriends in the past, and only one friend with benefits. To tell you the truth, that was the most enjoyable and the best experience i ever had. I'm not just talking about sexual, lol. But we just clicked sooooo well, that we just didnt see the point of having a real relationship.
But sadly, it ended
coz of our own stupid mistakes. So now we dont talk to each other anymore. Also coz I moved to a different country now. Though I remember all the times we wpent together. Remember what MARLBORO stands for: Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only
right on
Anonymous
I wouldnt know how to.... What exactly does benefits mean? Forgive my ignorance of the subject....
What exactly does benefits mean? Forgive my ignorance of the subject....ok its basically like.. you're friends, but you do all the stuff that bf/gf do, without the commitment part.. so you kiss/makeout/sex and other blah.. but you just stay as friends.. lol.. go figure ... it can turn out to be real fun if you two really get on quite well
and errr... i know it will be kinda awkward to ask him to be your 'f-buddy', lol. But I dont know. I really dont know how else you can get him to be that. What my 'f-friend' did was that she invited me to a party and made me stay over night at her place, and we were tipsy and we just ended up doing it. lol. I felt really guilty for doing that, I thought she might feel used. But in the end it just somehow worked out and boiled down to friend-with-benefit situation.
But I dont know how it will work for you, sorry.
I wish I could help here. You know the guy better yourself.Reply 16
anjurdsg
i know, lol...
but consider what i told you
i've had many girlfriends in the past, and only one friend with benefits. To tell you the truth, that was the most enjoyable and the best experience i ever had. I'm not just talking about sexual, lol. But we just clicked sooooo well, that we just didnt see the point of having a real relationship.
But sadly, it ended coz of our own stupid mistakes. So now we dont talk to each other anymore. Also coz I moved to a different country now. Though I remember all the times we wpent together.
Remember what MARLBORO stands for: Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only
right on
but consider what i told you
i've had many girlfriends in the past, and only one friend with benefits. To tell you the truth, that was the most enjoyable and the best experience i ever had. I'm not just talking about sexual, lol. But we just clicked sooooo well, that we just didnt see the point of having a real relationship.
But sadly, it ended
coz of our own stupid mistakes. So now we dont talk to each other anymore. Also coz I moved to a different country now. Though I remember all the times we wpent together. Remember what MARLBORO stands for: Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only
right on
Hmmm,
I'm sure he would enjoy that....the saucy devil
. But as I have never done this before it would be a whole new experience for me.....which I suppose I am slightly nervous about...I think I'll wait a while to see the flow of convo after his revelation last night before I talk to him about being his "friend with benefits". lol. I'm scared that I'd get emotionally tied if I seriously considered this Reply 17
anjurdsg
ohhh, lol
ok its basically like.. you're friends, but you do all the stuff that bf/gf do, without the commitment part.. so you kiss/makeout/sex and other blah.. but you just stay as friends.. lol.. go figure ... it can turn out to be real fun if you two really get on quite well
and errr... i know it will be kinda awkward to ask him to be your 'f-buddy', lol. But I dont know. I really dont know how else you can get him to be that. What my 'f-friend' did was that she invited me to a party and made me stay over night at her place, and we were tipsy and we just ended up doing it. lol. I felt really guilty for doing that, I thought she might feel used. But in the end it just somehow worked out and boiled down to friend-with-benefit situation.
But I dont know how it will work for you, sorry. I wish I could help here. You know the guy better yourself.
ok its basically like.. you're friends, but you do all the stuff that bf/gf do, without the commitment part.. so you kiss/makeout/sex and other blah.. but you just stay as friends.. lol.. go figure ... it can turn out to be real fun if you two really get on quite well
and errr... i know it will be kinda awkward to ask him to be your 'f-buddy', lol. But I dont know. I really dont know how else you can get him to be that. What my 'f-friend' did was that she invited me to a party and made me stay over night at her place, and we were tipsy and we just ended up doing it. lol. I felt really guilty for doing that, I thought she might feel used. But in the end it just somehow worked out and boiled down to friend-with-benefit situation.
But I dont know how it will work for you, sorry.
I wish I could help here. You know the guy better yourself.No don't say that...you really have helped so thanks *hug*
...hmmm....interestingAnonymous
Hmmm,
I'm sure he would enjoy that....the saucy devil. But as I have never done this before it would be a whole new experience for me.....which I suppose I am slightly nervous about...I think I'll wait a while to see the flow of convo after his revelation last night before I talk to him about being his "friend with benefits". lol. I'm scared that I'd get emotionally tied if I seriously considered this
I'm sure he would enjoy that....the saucy devil
. But as I have never done this before it would be a whole new experience for me.....which I suppose I am slightly nervous about...I think I'll wait a while to see the flow of convo after his revelation last night before I talk to him about being his "friend with benefits". lol. I'm scared that I'd get emotionally tied if I seriously considered this It does quite hurt if you have a fight or something, that happened to me, yes
Or if one of you get a real bf/gf.
But its a whole lot of fun to start with. And dont be nervous about it. Your not changing anything at all in this, because you're still staying friends. All you're doing is adding spice (sex
) to your lifeReply 19
anjurdsg
It does quite hurt if you have a fight or something, that happened to me, yes
Or if one of you get a real bf/gf.
But its a whole lot of fun to start with. And dont be nervous about it. Your not changing anything at all in this, because you're still staying friends. All you're doing is adding spice (sex) to your life
It does quite hurt if you have a fight or something, that happened to me, yes
Or if one of you get a real bf/gf.
But its a whole lot of fun to start with. And dont be nervous about it. Your not changing anything at all in this, because you're still staying friends. All you're doing is adding spice (sex
) to your lifeSpice ey
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