Moral dilemma..a friend's ex..

Over the summer I became very good friends with a guy at work. We hung out with the same people and got to be very good friends and after a while I also met and got to know his girlfriend of 2 years. The 2 of them, plus me and their flatmate got very close and the 4 of us spent a lot of time hanging out.

The two of them have had a rocky few months and split up recently. It came as no great surprise to anyone and I have been there to support and comfort both of them. I've drifted away from her a bit because our friendship was mainly through us both being connected to this guy, rather than because we were particularly well suited as friends.

The trouble is I now am getting the feeling from him that he might be interested in me. Probably it's a rebound thing as they split less than a month ago. I like him and find him attractive & in many ways we are well suited. I just don't know if it is morally wrong to date someone when I am friends with their ex (I'm thinking it is). Is there a length of time after which it's OK or is it just the case that a friend's ex is a no-go area...even if he was my friend before I knew her?

Reply 1

username47781

20

Well it's not morally wrong but it could cause alot of problems especially as you did know his ex, plus he has only just come out of a relationship.

Reply 2

mr_person

1

I wouldn't say its a no go area, but it is pretty much guaranteed to affect your friendship with the other girl. To be honest I probably wouldn't go for it just because it will create awkwardness and there are many other guys about. It really depends on how much you like the guy, and how much you value the girl's friendship.

Reply 3

kimmylowe

In situations it's hard to say what is right and what is wrong, because there is no perfect answer.

It sounds like you weren't originally connected with his ex, so in that case she's not a friend you have loyalties to, which you could see as making the situation a bit better.

However they were together a long time, you mention something about him being on the rebound possibly. Would you want to be his rebound material?

It's hard to judge these situations I think you have to do what your gut instinct says. If you never try you never know what could happen, but if you do try and things go wrong you could lose his friendship.

Kimmy lowe xxx

http://journals.aol.co.uk/chickadee3...-year-student/

Reply 4

maag101

1

Its a no-go. For me at least. I think it would cause too much friction, not just between you and her, but with all your mutual friends who would get caught in the cross fire.

Reply 5

Anonymous #2

I wouild say DEFINATELY DEFINATELY go for it because see I had the same dilemma and i went for it
process is
go out with her and see how things go
things go well go agian
things go well and you are hooked up in a space where things seem possible talk to the guy and confront him and see if it is man to man its always ok and its always nrmal and then hit it off with her to rubb it inyourself it will stay forever

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Well I'm definitely not considering doing anything now. If it were to happen now I'd never be able to trust that it wasn't simply because he's feeling lonely and confused after the split. I want to be there for him as a friend right now, he needs someone to talk it over with and his male friends were all so busy cheering him on to split up with her that I don't think he really can talk with them about it.

I like this girl and we were friendly over the summer, but I don't think she is going to remain a long term friend. It was friendship by association, not because we're particularly fond of each other. That said I respect her and going out with her ex would be sticking 2 fingers up at her wouldn't it?

He has asked me if I would like to go on a ski holiday with him at Christmas. Originally booked for him and the girlfriend but obviously she won't be going now. I love skiing and want to go, but at the same time his ex is going to find out I'm going. She knows we are still friends and still hang out, but is it a bit horrible to take her place? They were so looking forward to this trip together.

Reply 7

Guffy

Yeah, it would be pretty insensitive to go for it right now.

Reply 8

Anonymous #3

I would say go for it and enjoy yourself!
I've had this problem but didnt work out with me and the guy getting together as his ex was very controling and he didnt do anything about it. So probably for the best.
Make your self happy

Reply 9

Irresistable girl

just do it wot u got 2 lose, screw him nice and good.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

We had a good chat on the phone tonight and he was telling me how much fun we're going to have when I visit home next. He wants to take me to London to see a show I've been talking about for ages. It's going to be nice to enjoy ourselves properly. We never got to go out much before because his girlfriend was a bit jealous.

I know I can't do anything right now. I just hope he doesn't get too flirty. I really would like something to happen but not right after a breakup, he needs time to be single and be with himself. If I have to turn him down I'm worried he's going to get the wrong end of the stick and think I don't like him in that way.

Reply 11

Chumbaniya

17

'Morally wrong' seems an awfully strong term to use about a purely personal choice. Considering that there's no deception, no deliberate harm, and the only two people directly involved would be yourself and the friend's ex, the most that could be said about it would be that it might cause problems between you and your friend. Unless you think it would really harm your friendship, and that friendship isn't something you want to risk, there's no reason not to go for it.

Moral dilemma..a friend's ex..

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