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How to avoid being called stalker
12
Sorry about the length, but advice would be really cool. Basically, posted this on here a while ago to ask if I should contact a girl I met this summer. I decided not to, based on the advice of friends/ people one here.
**********Over the summer I worked as an assistant at my university’s summer school program. On the first night of the schools I got chatting to a Californian girl. She was beautiful, intelligent and seemed to have a great personality. I and a few people ended up back at my room drinking wine ‘till the early hours talking. All the others left but her, and we chatted for another half hour or so about our lives in the UK and US. I really fancied her, but was a little worried about my professionalism, as we’d been warned by program directors not to form romantic attachments with students. She also mentioned a long-term boyfriend back home. The next day and for several days thereafter I’d lie on the lawns outside of college reading and she’d come and sit with me, talking but not flirting (at least not overtly).
We spent a good amount of our free time together over that week. On the Wednesday of the next week we went clubbing and spent the whole night talking and dancing. I picked up on flirting but the bf issue remained at the back of my mind. We walked back to my own college for a look around the grounds before heading back to our summer schools accommodation. The mood was perfect to kiss her, but I refrained. We headed to our respective rooms after a quick peck on the cheek. The next night we met in the bar after dinner. We decided to go out again, as most other people were. Just as we left college she whispered in my ear that she really enjoyed the previous night and smiled. We ended up kissing, heading back and making out; although no sex was involved.
The next week she’d often come down to my room and we’d cuddle and kiss and we spent all our free time together. One afternoon we went for a walk in the country to a nearby village and had drinks at a touristy pub. We got back for dinner and headed to the bar. Leaving at 11, though not drunk, we went up to my room. After the usual heavy petting, we had sex. The next day she came down to my room crying, saying she’d been on the phone to her bf, although she didn’t tell me exactly what had been said. I comforted her, telling her she was not a bad person. We had sex again over the coming days and grew closer.
After about another week, we went out for a meal, as her course in England was coming to a close. We spent time by the river with friends after the meal, walked for a while and stopped by the banks. She told me she loved me- I did the same. We exchanged numbers and she left a few days later. I saw her off early in the morning at the coach station and we promised to contact each other. I immediately went and sent her some copies of essays she wanted and she emailed a couple of days later about how she missed England and wanted to return. I left it a few days before contacting her, assuming she’d be happy to acclimatize back to LA life. Then on the day I was planning to ring, I got an email explaining how she’d had the worst day of her life. Not only was she pissed off I’d not emailed, she’d also been called horrible things by her bf and his friends. I rang straight away and she sounded so miserable. She cried a little and I assured her I would come to visit at the end of the month. She said she loved me and we talked and laughed for a good hour.
Two days down the line I get an email saying we need to talk. She’d deleted me from her facebook friends and pictures, so it didn’t look good. I rang and she told me she couldn’t see me again. She said she felt ashamed and didn’t want to found our relationship on lies and hurting another person. Her bf had apparently been vile to her and swore he would never speak to her again. She said she hoped our paths crossed in the future but that she had to redeem her self respect and so forth. She was very teary and said goodbye. I assumed this to mean she wanted a break from me and that I should avoid contacting her. I have not spoken or written to her in over a month.****************
I was sad not to try and work something out with her but put things down to experience. However, I failed to get funding for this year's masters and can't afford to self-fund a whole PhD. I was hence advised by the uni careers service to apply to US schools- which has taken a while to sort out, but I'm nearing the end of the process. On my shortlist, however, is this girl's university. Out of all those on the list, I'd say my chances of getting in are the best (decent references and support), and I'd also probably enjoy that college more than the other, arguably more prestigious schools. My decision has nothing to do with the girl, and I'm honest about that.
So it seems there's a pretty good chance I'll go there. Now it's a pretty big college but it will- one way or another- get back to her that I'm there if I do eventually decide to go. And how stalkerish will that look. He turns up after over a year at her uni on the other side of the world, giving up a career at one of the best schools in the world in favor of a moderately good one in CA. If she's back with the guy she cheated on, surely things will be even more difficult if the lover shows up.
Do you think I should pre-empt things by calling/AIMing/ emailing (which one) and explaining the situation with funding etc? Will she even believe me? If so, do you think I should wait until I'm just about to leave or give her plenty of andvance. In short- what's going to seem least wierd in this incredibly wierd situation.
**********Over the summer I worked as an assistant at my university’s summer school program. On the first night of the schools I got chatting to a Californian girl. She was beautiful, intelligent and seemed to have a great personality. I and a few people ended up back at my room drinking wine ‘till the early hours talking. All the others left but her, and we chatted for another half hour or so about our lives in the UK and US. I really fancied her, but was a little worried about my professionalism, as we’d been warned by program directors not to form romantic attachments with students. She also mentioned a long-term boyfriend back home. The next day and for several days thereafter I’d lie on the lawns outside of college reading and she’d come and sit with me, talking but not flirting (at least not overtly).
We spent a good amount of our free time together over that week. On the Wednesday of the next week we went clubbing and spent the whole night talking and dancing. I picked up on flirting but the bf issue remained at the back of my mind. We walked back to my own college for a look around the grounds before heading back to our summer schools accommodation. The mood was perfect to kiss her, but I refrained. We headed to our respective rooms after a quick peck on the cheek. The next night we met in the bar after dinner. We decided to go out again, as most other people were. Just as we left college she whispered in my ear that she really enjoyed the previous night and smiled. We ended up kissing, heading back and making out; although no sex was involved.
The next week she’d often come down to my room and we’d cuddle and kiss and we spent all our free time together. One afternoon we went for a walk in the country to a nearby village and had drinks at a touristy pub. We got back for dinner and headed to the bar. Leaving at 11, though not drunk, we went up to my room. After the usual heavy petting, we had sex. The next day she came down to my room crying, saying she’d been on the phone to her bf, although she didn’t tell me exactly what had been said. I comforted her, telling her she was not a bad person. We had sex again over the coming days and grew closer.
After about another week, we went out for a meal, as her course in England was coming to a close. We spent time by the river with friends after the meal, walked for a while and stopped by the banks. She told me she loved me- I did the same. We exchanged numbers and she left a few days later. I saw her off early in the morning at the coach station and we promised to contact each other. I immediately went and sent her some copies of essays she wanted and she emailed a couple of days later about how she missed England and wanted to return. I left it a few days before contacting her, assuming she’d be happy to acclimatize back to LA life. Then on the day I was planning to ring, I got an email explaining how she’d had the worst day of her life. Not only was she pissed off I’d not emailed, she’d also been called horrible things by her bf and his friends. I rang straight away and she sounded so miserable. She cried a little and I assured her I would come to visit at the end of the month. She said she loved me and we talked and laughed for a good hour.
Two days down the line I get an email saying we need to talk. She’d deleted me from her facebook friends and pictures, so it didn’t look good. I rang and she told me she couldn’t see me again. She said she felt ashamed and didn’t want to found our relationship on lies and hurting another person. Her bf had apparently been vile to her and swore he would never speak to her again. She said she hoped our paths crossed in the future but that she had to redeem her self respect and so forth. She was very teary and said goodbye. I assumed this to mean she wanted a break from me and that I should avoid contacting her. I have not spoken or written to her in over a month.****************
I was sad not to try and work something out with her but put things down to experience. However, I failed to get funding for this year's masters and can't afford to self-fund a whole PhD. I was hence advised by the uni careers service to apply to US schools- which has taken a while to sort out, but I'm nearing the end of the process. On my shortlist, however, is this girl's university. Out of all those on the list, I'd say my chances of getting in are the best (decent references and support), and I'd also probably enjoy that college more than the other, arguably more prestigious schools. My decision has nothing to do with the girl, and I'm honest about that.
So it seems there's a pretty good chance I'll go there. Now it's a pretty big college but it will- one way or another- get back to her that I'm there if I do eventually decide to go. And how stalkerish will that look. He turns up after over a year at her uni on the other side of the world, giving up a career at one of the best schools in the world in favor of a moderately good one in CA. If she's back with the guy she cheated on, surely things will be even more difficult if the lover shows up.
Do you think I should pre-empt things by calling/AIMing/ emailing (which one) and explaining the situation with funding etc? Will she even believe me? If so, do you think I should wait until I'm just about to leave or give her plenty of andvance. In short- what's going to seem least wierd in this incredibly wierd situation.
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
I wouldn't even mention it, and if she contacts you or makes a comment about it, say "how am I stalking you if I haven't even been in touch with you, and I have no intention of maintaining communication with you in any way?"
Then simply stop talking to her. She can hardly call you a stalker if you're having nothing to do with her.
Then simply stop talking to her. She can hardly call you a stalker if you're having nothing to do with her.
Reply 2
Guffy
I wouldn't even mention it, and if she contacts you or makes a comment about it, say "how am I stalking you if I haven't even been in touch with you, and I have no intention of maintaining communication with you in any way?"
Then simply stop talking to her. She can hardly call you a stalker if you're having nothing to do with her.
Then simply stop talking to her. She can hardly call you a stalker if you're having nothing to do with her.
but then if he just turns up at her school he really will look like a stalker. its only fair to give her some warning but i would wait till the placement is definite
Reply 3
high priestess fnord
but then if he just turns up at her school he really will look like a stalker. its only fair to give her some warning but i would wait till the placement is definite
I don't see how. OK, it's a bit of a weird concidence, but surely it will be fairly obvious to everybody that she has nothing to do with his going there if he's made no effort to contact her, doesn't follow her around, doesn't even look at her, etc.
Reply 4
that would just be too wierd for me. i would rather have warning and an explanation rather than he just show up.
Reply 5
So would I, but from his perspective it's better for him to just show up. If he gets in touch, she's got the whole "he's been in touch and he's come to be near me" thing, whereas if he just shows up and makes no contact with her and doesn't go near her, she's got nothing.
Reply 6
but it would be really creepy
Reply 7
I would think it's more creepy for him to get in touch and for her to know he's going to be near her, and wonder what his reasons are. If he just shows up and has nothing to do with her then she'll know him being there is not because of her.
Reply 8
Guffy
I would think it's more creepy for him to get in touch and for her to know he's going to be near her, and wonder what his reasons are. If he just shows up and has nothing to do with her then she'll know him being there is not because of her.
no she wont, she will spend ages wondering why he picked her particular school.
Reply 9
Let her worry then. She's going to be doing that anyway. All she has is her own suspicions that way, and he has the ability to say "I've had nothing to do with her, I haven't even e-mailed her" if people call him a stalker.
Your way, she can say "he's been e-mailing me and came here probably to be near me."
Your way, she can say "he's been e-mailing me and came here probably to be near me."
Reply 10
i still think my ways better 
i think we need fresh input
i think we need fresh input
Reply 11
I know my way is better. 
Reply 12
Guffy
I know my way is better.
thats because your cocky
Reply 13
I plead guilty.
Reply 14
10
Let your paths cross...literally. Go to the US where you want to go, don't go looking for her, don't talk to her, acctually see if you do bump into eachother...
Remember what she said to you over e-mail and phone was said when she couldn't see you. If you were as close as te impression I got from your post I'm thinking if she saw you again she would want to get back with you.
As I say don't go looking for her.
Remember what she said to you over e-mail and phone was said when she couldn't see you. If you were as close as te impression I got from your post I'm thinking if she saw you again she would want to get back with you.
As I say don't go looking for her.
Reply 15
bret
OP
12
If the school was the University of Mississippi (not that I've anything against Ole' Miss), I think it would be prety obvious there was some stalkerage involved. But her school is in the top 30 most selective/prestigious ie: where folk want to be. Remove from that list any which haven't got the right faculty or don't have funding and we're left with around 10. From that 10 I admit I have some choice. I could indeed apply elsewhere, but I've decided against the Northeastern Ivy League- high application fees, hard to get into and in a way just an extension of the oxbridge bubble. I want to try something new and California seems the way to go. On the other hand, the fallout with the girl could be such as to make it more hassle than it's worth.
Should I just apply elsewhere, to colleges that are perfectly good and closer culturally (and probably geographically) to England than where she is and avoid the problems altogether. Cheers for the advice already.
Should I just apply elsewhere, to colleges that are perfectly good and closer culturally (and probably geographically) to England than where she is and avoid the problems altogether. Cheers for the advice already.
Reply 16
Forget the girl, and just go to the uni that you feel/know to be best for you.
Dont jeopordise your future (your clearly very very bright) just to avoid offending some girl!!!
If you end up going to the same place as her, you might not even see her there, and if you do, sod it! Like you said, you didnt have many uni choices so it should be obvious your not being a stalker. But to make double sure, just try and avoid the places where she goes if you end up going.
Dont jeopordise your future (your clearly very very bright) just to avoid offending some girl!!!
If you end up going to the same place as her, you might not even see her there, and if you do, sod it! Like you said, you didnt have many uni choices so it should be obvious your not being a stalker. But to make double sure, just try and avoid the places where she goes if you end up going.
Reply 17
2
you cant let the presence of someone influence what is pretty much decision on which the rest of your life based.
Im actually 50/50 on what fnord and guffy have said. Altho something to add to the bubble, what if shes really happy to see you and is really upset that you didnt tell her you were coming and then makes trouble because of that!
Im actually 50/50 on what fnord and guffy have said. Altho something to add to the bubble, what if shes really happy to see you and is really upset that you didnt tell her you were coming and then makes trouble because of that!
Reply 18
bret
OP
12
If I were to contact her, would you say AIM (a casual short message saying "Hi i should tell you something..."), an email to which she might not respond and leave me in limbo, or a phone call to which she has to respond?
Reply 19
bret
If I were to contact her, would you say AIM (a casual short message saying "Hi i should tell you something..."), an email to which she might not respond and leave me in limbo, or a phone call to which she has to respond?
hmm good question
tell you what mate, have you actually applied to that college yet and been accepted? and are you sure that she will still be there?
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