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Need pros and cons of moving in with my boyfriend! Watch

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    I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, we met the summer before I came to university when I really was NOT planning to get into a relationship.
    We've been discussing living together. I'm already in a house share and I'll be going into my third year next year, he isn't a student and works back home.

    We miss each other BADLY. There's a problem of distance and the only option is either to try to move in together or strain through the next year and possibly break up.
    I would love to move in with him, it wouldn't be entirely impossible as 1 bed flats/houses aren't expensive.
    However I have my concerns, I'm a cautious person, I don't want to get distracted from my studies, I'm afraid of what my family will think of me (despite my mum being married by 19), and I don't know how to come about a decision.

    Any past experience would be helpful, I don't really have close girly friends I can turn to but I need opinions that won't just be my mum telling me I'm young and stupid!
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    Pros: Its cheaper, more fun and will advance your relationship.
    Cons: A bunch of pointless things relating to poor self-control and insecurities.

    Easy decision.
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    do it and then see how long you stay together. That will show whether youre a long term couple
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    (Original post by whatevernd)
    do it and then see how long you stay together. That will show whether youre a long term couple
    Is it wise to do it now whilst I'm at uni though? Or should I wait until we're both in the same place next year?
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    just make sure u hide your dildo before he moves in
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    I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend last year, he was graduating so pretty free in where he could move too and we were also struggling with the distance so we looked into him moving to my uni town with me.
    The thing that stopped us is the costs: yes, 1-bed flats and houses aren't that expensive in terms of monthly rents but deposits are huge when not going through a student letting agency (think 6 weeks rent minimum upfront, PLUS admin fees which were more often than not 3 figures). Most that were affordable in terms of monthly expenses were also unfurnished, something we couldn't afford to do ourselves. You'd have to also consider that as he isn't a student, you will also have to pay council tax (which varies depending on where you live, and you get a discount for him being the only eligable payee) but it's still around £100+ a month for 10 months of the year.
    We sat down and had a really long and mature discussion about it and decided that the stress that being so out-of-pocket (I'm not sure what job your boyfriend does, but post-grad starting salaries are often not all that grand, that and a student loan would probably struggle unless you had large savings or external help) would be almost as bad as the stress distance was putting on us anyway but without the beacon of hope that we would "eventually" be able to live a non-strained life together. He didn't move to be with me, and it was (and is) difficult sometimes. But knowing we had to do another 18 months at least rather than painfully muddling through another 6 made us really reevaluate WHY we were struggling so much with distance and how our reactions and mindsets were causing the situation to begin with. And now, over a year later we are stronger than ever. I'm in my last year now and we still haven't decided when we're moving in together because deciding not to meant that we learnt to be genuinely happy in our relationship, together or apart. We found that a lot of the issues we discussed would probably have come up whether or not we lived together. Living together will highlight problems in your relationship rather than solve them.

    You'd also have to consider the fact that both of you will be somewhat cut off from other support systems if you live together as opposed to apart. He will (I assume) be leaving behind friends and families and be coming to a city where he knows few people, and those he does know he will know through you. That can be a lonely experience that can come with certain amount of resentment towards the other party, despite the lack of fault. He may also compromise on his career goals, choosing a job based on location rather than one he really wants to do. Then on the other hand, you may come to feel a certain separation from university life which may lead to resentment on your part as well. You have your entire adult life to move in with your boyfriend, but most people only get 3/4 years at university and it really is an invaluable experience in terms of learning to live independently and learning about yourself. Regardless of whether you're into the whole "student scene" (I myself wasn't really...), you may find yourself a bit cut off. University doesn't operate on a 9-5 basis, whether that be workload or social life and you may find the two lifestyles clash when in such close quarters. It sounds so patronising from someone who's probably only a year or two older than you but you really do only get to be young once!

    I'm honestly not condemning you at all as I don't know either you or your boyfriend but I'm just sharing what I wish someone had told me a year or so again when I was considering the same. My relationship lasted and I'm so glad we waited to take that step.
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    (Original post by dinolove)
    I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend last year, he was graduating so pretty free in where he could move too and we were also struggling with the distance so we looked into him moving to my uni town with me.
    The thing that stopped us is the costs: yes, 1-bed flats and houses aren't that expensive in terms of monthly rents but deposits are huge when not going through a student letting agency (think 6 weeks rent minimum upfront, PLUS admin fees which were more often than not 3 figures). Most that were affordable in terms of monthly expenses were also unfurnished, something we couldn't afford to do ourselves. You'd have to also consider that as he isn't a student, you will also have to pay council tax (which varies depending on where you live, and you get a discount for him being the only eligable payee) but it's still around £100+ a month for 10 months of the year.
    We sat down and had a really long and mature discussion about it and decided that the stress that being so out-of-pocket (I'm not sure what job your boyfriend does, but post-grad starting salaries are often not all that grand, that and a student loan would probably struggle unless you had large savings or external help) would be almost as bad as the stress distance was putting on us anyway but without the beacon of hope that we would "eventually" be able to live a non-strained life together. He didn't move to be with me, and it was (and is) difficult sometimes. But knowing we had to do another 18 months at least rather than painfully muddling through another 6 made us really reevaluate WHY we were struggling so much with distance and how our reactions and mindsets were causing the situation to begin with. And now, over a year later we are stronger than ever. I'm in my last year now and we still haven't decided when we're moving in together because deciding not to meant that we learnt to be genuinely happy in our relationship, together or apart. We found that a lot of the issues we discussed would probably have come up whether or not we lived together. Living together will highlight problems in your relationship rather than solve them.

    You'd also have to consider the fact that both of you will be somewhat cut off from other support systems if you live together as opposed to apart. He will (I assume) be leaving behind friends and families and be coming to a city where he knows few people, and those he does know he will know through you. That can be a lonely experience that can come with certain amount of resentment towards the other party, despite the lack of fault. He may also compromise on his career goals, choosing a job based on location rather than one he really wants to do. Then on the other hand, you may come to feel a certain separation from university life which may lead to resentment on your part as well. You have your entire adult life to move in with your boyfriend, but most people only get 3/4 years at university and it really is an invaluable experience in terms of learning to live independently and learning about yourself. Regardless of whether you're into the whole "student scene" (I myself wasn't really...), you may find yourself a bit cut off. University doesn't operate on a 9-5 basis, whether that be workload or social life and you may find the two lifestyles clash when in such close quarters. It sounds so patronising from someone who's probably only a year or two older than you but you really do only get to be young once!

    I'm honestly not condemning you at all as I don't know either you or your boyfriend but I'm just sharing what I wish someone had told me a year or so again when I was considering the same. My relationship lasted and I'm so glad we waited to take that step.
    Thanks for that answer, I really appreciate it! I completely understand what you mean, as I'm more worried than he is. He's lived on his own before (it didn't end well) so he thinks he knows how it is. I'm pretty independent yet I know what will change if we live together, yet there isn't any way to bring it up without it sounding like I'm saying "I don't wanna see you that often". It's turning more into a relationship problem now, I know the obvious answer is to just stick by my guns and say no, not yet. His argument is always "If I can't live with you and see you as much as I wish I don't know how we're gonna cope the next year with you away", which to outside people must look pretty controlling. I don't really have really close friends or much of a life at uni so I don't really have anyone I can turn to for advice apart from here. The option of leaving him is out of the question, our relationship is more mature than anything I've had previously. I'm just a bit lost really.
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    Why can't he just relocate to the same city you're in rather than live under the same roof? If he's willing to move in together, he's also willing to come to you so you might as well compromise and meet him half way!
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    (Original post by sophieelis)
    Why can't he just relocate to the same city you're in rather than live under the same roof? If he's willing to move in together, he's also willing to come to you so you might as well compromise and meet him half way!
    That's a good point, I can see the argument being that it's cheaper to live together. I was thinking of suggesting he just move out of where he is atm anyway because it might be just him that wants independence, rather than living with me.
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    What would happen if you were to split up?
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    (Original post by PunkTortoise)
    That's a good point, I can see the argument being that it's cheaper to live together. I was thinking of suggesting he just move out of where he is atm anyway because it might be just him that wants independence, rather than living with me.
    OK it might be cheaper to live together but he must be renting a place just to himself at the moment anyway? Or if he's considering it then location isn't really a variable in this situation. I doubt house prices vary that much. And at the end of the day, he is the one getting a salary. If he tries to threaten a break up then you can just throw the ball back in his court and remind him that he has the upper hand in this situation. He has the finances. If he wants to make it work, then that's the most plausible solution for you both. Good luck!
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    (Original post by sophieelis)
    Why can't he just relocate to the same city you're in rather than live under the same roof? If he's willing to move in together, he's also willing to come to you so you might as well compromise and meet him half way!
    I agree with this. My boyfriend and I used to be long distance, and then I moved to his city but we're currently living apart, because I want the experience of living independently for a bit first, and like someone else mentioned in this thread, we have the rest of our lives to live to together so there's no rush. I think this is a good way to do things, as it's a nice transition from previously being long distance :yep:

    OP, if your boyfriend doesn't mind the idea, maybe he should consider a houseshare. You both living in different houseshares in the same city could be good for him getting his independence and meeting new people separate from you, you both having your space when you need it, but also still being able to go meet each other a few times during the week when you want
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    (Original post by PunkTortoise)
    I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now, we met the summer before I came to university when I really was NOT planning to get into a relationship.
    We've been discussing living together. I'm already in a house share and I'll be going into my third year next year, he isn't a student and works back home.

    We miss each other BADLY. There's a problem of distance and the only option is either to try to move in together or strain through the next year and possibly break up.
    I would love to move in with him, it wouldn't be entirely impossible as 1 bed flats/houses aren't expensive.
    However I have my concerns, I'm a cautious person, I don't want to get distracted from my studies, I'm afraid of what my family will think of me (despite my mum being married by 19), and I don't know how to come about a decision.


    Any past experience would be helpful, I don't really have close girly friends I can turn to but I need opinions that won't just be my mum telling me I'm young and stupid!
    I believe only you can find that out,own your own. As you know your boyfriend,we don't. Everyone is different .How old are u anyway?
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    (Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom)
    I agree with this. My boyfriend and I used to be long distance, and then I moved to his city but we're currently living apart, because I want the experience of living independently for a bit first, and like someone else mentioned in this thread, we have the rest of our lives to live to together so there's no rush. I think this is a good way to do things, as it's a nice transition from previously being long distance :yep:

    OP, if your boyfriend doesn't mind the idea, maybe he should consider a houseshare. You both living in different houseshares in the same city could be good for him getting his independence and meeting new people separate from you, you both having your space when you need it, but also still being able to go meet each other a few times during the week when you want
    Yeah I think I like that idea, then at least the distance is smaller but we're not technically tripping over each other.

    (Original post by raq123)
    I believe only you can find that out,own your own. As you know your boyfriend,we don't. Everyone is different .How old are u anyway?
    Yeah I get that, but everyones input has helped because I can try and imagine how the situation will go. Plus it's always nice to hear everyone else's stories. I'm 21, he's 24.
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    I live with my boyfriend (him 24 me 22) and honestly best decision ever made. But I know people will have different experience. It really depends on how compatible you guys are as live in partners regarding cleanliness, chore sharing, giving each other space and more importantly communicating effectively when problems arise. Also how far is the commute going to be to work/uni? Do you both have your own social circles in the town you are planning to move into? Are you both committed to making it work long term? This is all important and will succeed if you both go into it with a mature mindset.

    Do you feel ready? Or are you just considering moving in because of the threat of a break up? If the latter then it's a poor reason and suggests to me it's still premature moving in.


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    (Original post by HotCoco.)
    I live with my boyfriend (him 24 me 22) and honestly best decision ever made. But I know people will have different experience. It really depends on how compatible you guys are as live in partners regarding cleanliness, chore sharing, giving each other space and more importantly communicating effectively when problems arise. Also how far is the commute going to be to work/uni? Do you both have your own social circles in the town you are planning to move into? Are you both committed to making it work long term? This is all important and will succeed if you both go into it with a mature mindset.

    Do you feel ready? Or are you just considering moving in because of the threat of a break up? If the latter then it's a poor reason and suggests to me it's still premature moving in.


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    It's 50/50 really. We're both serious about our future, we've spent weeks together and know how our routines work, we both want the same things. However I think I am a little worried about saying no, which is what's pushing me to just say yes.

    So basically our relationship is working great, but moving in may still be a bit too early and could push us in the wrong direction.
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    I met my boyfriend when I was in my 2nd year of uni and he was already a working graduate. When I first moved in with him part-way through 3rd year, it was actually an unplanned event as I needed to leave my student house for personal reasons before the tenancy was finished, and he had a spare room at his place.

    This took place about 2 years ago, and from the moment we started living together I haven't looked back as it's worked out really well for us.

    As mentioned by others, people will have different experiences but I would say what works for my boyfriend and I are:

    - We like similar food and I love cooking, so mealtimes are a smooth operation
    - Respect each others space, so we won't go messing around in each others things without a heads up
    - Coming to a compromise on house tasks like washing up, cleaning. There are certain things he's better at than me and vice versa
    - TV shows and movie likes are varied but we both enjoy a variety of similar things. Though we both use our laptops for stuff.


    But I would say that personally my favourite thing about living together, is getting to wake up to eachother every morning and see eachother everyday as he is like my best friend,so we'll always have stuff to do and say to eachother. We're quite compatible and it's easy in his company.
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    I would say wait till after uni. There is a lot to be said for weekend relationships in the early days, when you are working you will be able to afford good accommodation, and living together when it comes will be bliss. Pros of living together are playing house, sex on tap, and no angsty goodbyes. Cons, well there really aren't any if you haven't rushed in to it.
 
 
 
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