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How do I stop projecting so much? watch

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    Next week I start working with the charity Beanstalk, I'll be working with young children who often struggle with basic reading comprehension and pronunciation. We need to avoid criticising them in any way since they mostly have low confidence/low self-esteem, some come from foster homes, others have learning disabilities and a few have been neglected by their parents if not outright abused…so, we reward and praise them for effort and motivation, not progress (we are not teachers)

    Spoiler:
    Show

    It's a head-trip as I have been spending an awful amount of time in an environment where as a man if you are not athletic, have a high-status job and have no life problems or insecurities you are going to die a virgin respected by no-one. The environment does not reward people for effort, in fact it shoots down people with an entitlement complex to success or confidence. It basically says work to be the winner or die knowing you're a loser.



    I have this habit (coming from my anxiety and low self-esteem) that people are secretly thinking malicious things about me and trying to hold me to higher standards than each other, which I'm afraid might rub off on the kids. I tend to also read a lot of hostility towards myself into certain topics which I then get perhaps too sensitive about. It is basically impossible to make a joke about these particular insecurities.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    1) for example, my friend has a few fairly right-wing opinions on my being on ESA, e.g. that it is stopping low to go onto benefits JSA or otherwise, he has made a few comments regarding my being unemployed until recently. My brother is a relative genius, he got 6 As at A Level, came top of his year in his MSc and is now doing a phD while running an amateur opera company, and has a girlfriend who adores him to bits. My friend often comments on how he seems to have done 'the best in life' out of all of my family-which is academically true. He (my friend) has also made an off-hand remark about my becoming 'weaker' since around A Levels; I was more productive than, very hard-working but my anxiety was sky-high throughout and I was as such depressed, he seems to have forgotten that.

    Now, whenever my friend mentions anything job-related I tend to explode in texts at him about 'stop calling me a weak I know I'm a coward[but tbh I used the word 'pussy'] and you hate where I am I know I'm failing in life and my brother is better than me' etc. etc. The trigger for it today was he got an interview, I asked which companies, he said 'why do your ant to know', I said just curious, and then he off-the-cuff replied 'lol nah u be jelly' satirising the way I speak in BB misc lingo some days. I got very sensitive about this thinking he was trying to rub in my being unemployed.

    2) Another example would be that near the end of my last reship, I started thinking my ex was laughing at me with her friend 'Superman' who (I thought) she fell for. I started seeing examples of them flirting and making out how much of a loser I'd become everywhere; there was an incident regarding a romance joke using a bunsen burner and ice cube which I saw her laughing at like this 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA' on his Facebook Wall. The joke I believe was this:

    Name:  Bunsen.jpg
Views: 177
Size:  27.2 KB

    in another context (she's stressed and trying to make light of a breakup which hurt her; he also had an awkward breakup) this seems more innocent. However I automatically jumped to the conclusion that she had found it not only easy to break up with me and avoid my texts but was outright mocking how 'beta' I was behind my back, despite letting me down gently to my face. I thought she was mocking how clingy I was being and that she had someone wrapped around her finger.

    This is a very common pattern, I think people laugh at each other a lot in private, especially myself (I've had this fear since primary school and it gets more intense at times). However I did not start thinking she (my ex, my closest female friend in many years) was laughing at me until I engaged a lot in the above online environment, which people say is toxic to my mental health and self-esteem.


    I was told a couple of months ago that this was a defence mechanism called projection, where you either transfer your insecurities onto someone else (e.g. 'seeing' that others are lazy so that you can blame them rather than accept you aren't taking responsibility for projection) OR thinking everyone else can transparently see and believe all the things about you that you are insecure about (e.g. I am weak-> everyone sees me as weak). I recognise this is what I'm doing after it's done, but not before, and so I react fairly instantly.

    I need to be working towards a healthier mind-set for this work, but I am also frustrated at how often I am making outbursts at my friend over this issue. I also am making outbursts with my dad over mostly diet-related issues but also some anxious thoghts/obsessions too.

    Does anyone have tips on overcoming projection and not letting the community I've been on warp my perspective ofr working with kids? Many thanks
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    Never make jokes.

    (I always take things too seriously too)
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    Next week I start working with the charity Beanstalk, I'll be working with young children who often struggle with basic reading comprehension and pronunciation. We need to avoid criticising them in any way since they mostly have low confidence/low self-esteem, some come from foster homes, others have learning disabilities and a few have been neglected by their parents if not outright abused…so, we reward and praise them for effort and motivation, not progress (we are not teachers)

    Spoiler:
    Show

    It's a head-trip as I have been spending an awful amount of time in an environment where as a man if you are not athletic, have a high-status job and have no life problems or insecurities you are going to die a virgin respected by no-one. The environment does not reward people for effort, in fact it shoots down people with an entitlement complex to success or confidence. It basically says work to be the winner or die knowing you're a loser.



    I have this habit (coming from my anxiety and low self-esteem) that people are secretly thinking malicious things about me and trying to hold me to higher standards than each other, which I'm afraid might rub off on the kids. I tend to also read a lot of hostility towards myself into certain topics which I then get perhaps too sensitive about. It is basically impossible to make a joke about these particular insecurities.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    1) for example, my friend has a few fairly right-wing opinions on my being on ESA, e.g. that it is stopping low to go onto benefits JSA or otherwise, he has made a few comments regarding my being unemployed until recently. My brother is a relative genius, he got 6 As at A Level, came top of his year in his MSc and is now doing a phD while running an amateur opera company, and has a girlfriend who adores him to bits. My friend often comments on how he seems to have done 'the best in life' out of all of my family-which is academically true. He (my friend) has also made an off-hand remark about my becoming 'weaker' since around A Levels; I was more productive than, very hard-working but my anxiety was sky-high throughout and I was as such depressed, he seems to have forgotten that.

    Now, whenever my friend mentions anything job-related I tend to explode in texts at him about 'stop calling me a weak I know I'm a coward[but tbh I used the word 'pussy'] and you hate where I am I know I'm failing in life and my brother is better than me' etc. etc. The trigger for it today was he got an interview, I asked which companies, he said 'why do your ant to know', I said just curious, and then he off-the-cuff replied 'lol nah u be jelly' satirising the way I speak in BB misc lingo some days. I got very sensitive about this thinking he was trying to rub in my being unemployed.

    2) Another example would be that near the end of my last reship, I started thinking my ex was laughing at me with her friend 'Superman' who (I thought) she fell for. I started seeing examples of them flirting and making out how much of a loser I'd become everywhere; there was an incident regarding a romance joke using a bunsen burner and ice cube which I saw her laughing at like this 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA' on his Facebook Wall. The joke I believe was this:

    Name:  Bunsen.jpg
Views: 177
Size:  27.2 KB

    in another context (she's stressed and trying to make light of a breakup which hurt her; he also had an awkward breakup) this seems more innocent. However I automatically jumped to the conclusion that she had found it not only easy to break up with me and avoid my texts but was outright mocking how 'beta' I was behind my back, despite letting me down gently to my face. I thought she was mocking how clingy I was being and that she had someone wrapped around her finger.

    This is a very common pattern, I think people laugh at each other a lot in private, especially myself (I've had this fear since primary school and it gets more intense at times). However I did not start thinking she (my ex, my closest female friend in many years) was laughing at me until I engaged a lot in the above online environment, which people say is toxic to my mental health and self-esteem.


    I was told a couple of months ago that this was a defence mechanism called projection, where you either transfer your insecurities onto someone else (e.g. 'seeing' that others are lazy so that you can blame them rather than accept you aren't taking responsibility for projection) OR thinking everyone else can transparently see and believe all the things about you that you are insecure about (e.g. I am weak-> everyone sees me as weak). I recognise this is what I'm doing after it's done, but not before, and so I react fairly instantly.

    I need to be working towards a healthier mind-set for this work, but I am also frustrated at how often I am making outbursts at my friend over this issue. I also am making outbursts with my dad over mostly diet-related issues but also some anxious thoghts/obsessions too.

    Does anyone have tips on overcoming projection and not letting the community I've been on warp my perspective ofr working with kids? Many thanks
    Interesting stuff. Could you provide a short summary though because that is a bit lengthy and a lot of people in the mental health section are already kind of taxed if you get my drift teh
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    Never make jokes.

    (I always take things too seriously too)
    eh? How is this going to help me stop projecting, surely I need to make more jokes

    (Original post by Ebony19)
    Interesting stuff. Could you provide a short summary though because that is a bit lengthy and a lot of people in the mental health section are already kind of taxed if you get my drift teh
    well, projection is when you see traits in others that are actually in yourself, or assume others can see negative traits in you, e.g. you think you're weak so suddenly you think 'everyone thinks I'm weak'. How do I stop this?
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    (Original post by Smash Bandicoot)
    eh? How is this going to help me stop projecting, surely I need to make more jokes



    well, projection is when you see traits in others that are actually in yourself, or assume others can see negative traits in you, e.g. you think you're weak so suddenly you think 'everyone thinks I'm weak'. How do I stop this?
    Not exactly brilliant at avoiding doing this myself. I guess the children already have issues so not much point projecting your problems onto them, they've already got them. And so what if people think you're weak. Everyone has weakness and I think sometimes it's people's weaknesses that make them special as an individual.

    Whilst you're doing the work just always remind yourself you're there to help the children you're not the important one here theh are.

    If people uncover your weaknesses and try to take advantage just own them. Be proud of who you are and the fact you're always trying to better yourself.

    You're obviously a good person, you're choosing to help children who have problems.
    Don't beat yourself up, you wouldn't allow them to talk themselves down so you shouldn't.
 
 
 
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