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What should I do about this girl? Please help watch

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    I have a female friend who I have strong feelings for. But she is in a relationship and I have sort of accepted that we can never be together (at least that's what I tell myself)

    Her relationship is a little "unique". Her bf lives in another country and they have only met once in person. They have been talking via Skype and messaging for the past 4 years. And she wants to marry him when we finish uni (in 2yrs time). Her family doesn't know about him. That's a bit of background info on that.

    About a year ago I sort of told her I had feelings for her and she said I'm sorry I have a bf. I love him. Etc. She did say to me that she thinks we can't be friends anymore because she doesn't want to see me sad. I said no I want to stay friends and within a week, it was back to normal between us.

    I like being friends with her. We get on really well and I'm happy when I'm around her.

    The only thing is, sometimes I feel like I am too nice to her, and treat her as if she is more than just a friend. I am always helping her whenever she asks and I am always available to her. It's not deliberate - I just sort of don't want to say no to people I care about.

    Sometimes I feel maybe she doesn't appreciate everything I do for her.
    Also, I feel really attached to her and sometimes I feel I act a bit needy and clingy. I know that's not good but that's what I feel.

    I've never had a girlfriend so maybe my closeness to this girl is because of that? I don't know.

    I want to stay friends with her, but I am scared of pushing her away or distancing myself from her, because I like the closeness I have with this girl and I don't really want to do anything to ruin our friendship.

    So I'm not sure how to proceed. I also get really upset easily with things regarding her. I care about her a lot.

    Do you guys think that this is a result of my unrequited feelings towards her? I don't mean to do it but I can't help it sometimes.

    I already know I care about her a lot more than she cares about me. Maybe she doesn't need to care that much? Maybe I am expecting too much?

    A few other issues. She has lots of guy friends and I am 99% sure they all like her. I kind of get jealous and uneasy when I see her talking to them :/

    I get upset very easily with her. I don't like to argue or have any problems with her.

    I also have sexual thoughts about her from time to time :/

    From time to time, I become really sad about the whole thing because I really like her and I can't accept the reality of the situation

    What are your thoughts?

    Right now, I'm in a kind of limbo - I'm not happy with the relationship I have with her, but I don't want to end it, it's not a good feeling at all
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    Well my advice is to either make a plan to win her over or find someone else you like. It may hurt now but this kind of state is not productive and it will eat up your time.
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    I don't really have advice but her relationship seems very weird... how can she plan to marry a guy she doesn't even know in person.... people are very different online to in real life!!! If she's with him maybe it's because she wants to protect herself from being open to a real relationship..... I'm not saying long distance can't work, but they've met once in 4 years!?!?! Come on!!


    I wouldn't see him as too much of a threat!
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    (Original post by Bobbi!)
    I don't really have advice but her relationship seems very weird... how can she plan to marry a guy she doesn't even know in person.... people are very different online to in real life!!! If she's with him maybe it's because she wants to protect herself from being open to a real relationship..... I'm not saying long distance can't work, but they've met once in 4 years!?!?! Come on!!


    I wouldn't see him as too much of a threat!
    Long distance relationships can definitely work out. Even if she hasn't physically met him in person, I'm sure she has spent a LOT of time speaking to him through skype etc., which is enough to get to know a person enough to love them i'd think. I mean, it's clearly going well since they've stuck together for 4 years AND plan on getting married. I'd definitely see him as a 'threat'.
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    (Original post by Scarfhead)
    Long distance relationships can definitely work out. Even if she hasn't physically met him in person, I'm sure she has spent a LOT of time speaking to him through skype etc., which is enough to get to know a person enough to love them i'd think. I mean, it's clearly going well since they've stuck together for 4 years AND plan on getting married. I'd definitely see him as a 'threat'.

    Maybe an online forum is not the place to voice this opinion, but you can't really know someone if you don't actually know them... Not well enough to plan on getting married which to me means spending the rest of your life living together. Unless they plan to still only have a cyber relationship once they are married??
    Everything they tell you about their life could be a lie if you are not involved in their life. If you only see them on skype, how do you know they've not got bodies in the next room?? That's an extreme example but also what about the little things like how do you know if you like what they smell like? How do you know you like the way they interact with people in social situations??
    In addition to this, if they really love each other and plan to marry.... why haven't they met more than once in 4 years?? Even if they lived on the other side of the world, there would be a way to meet more regularly. Even if it's £2000 for a flight, you'd find a way to get the money if you really loved the person. And if they are living that far away... have they decided which one of them is going to leave their home, family and friends to go and live with the other.....???

    Seems like they're just fantasizing to me!!
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    Its very clear you want to be in a relationship with said girl, had you not you would've moved on after you tried to make a move. Exactly what she said would happen has happened, you're sad and more so jealous over someone who's not yours and , if you ask me she's using you, and the other guys probably, as a surrogate for the affection she can't get from her boyfriend.

    I recommend you distance yourself from her and find something else to focuse on in order to forget about her. I don't think your relationship will develop any further so its probably best to invest your time in something beneficial.
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    You're lying to urself by saying you want to keep her "as a friend," and I'm speaking from experience. I've had (as many other guys have as well, I assume) similar situations in the past but what you want from her is not friendship. You just want to keep her around because you like being with her in a very non-platonic way. If you don't want to lose a friend, I would suggest either forcing urself to crush on someone else or just stay away until the feelings fade. Just my two cents.
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    I have a female friend who I have strong feelings for. But she is in a relationship.


    Her relationship is a little "unique". Her bf lives in another country and they have only met once in person. They have been talking via Skype and messaging for the past 4 years. And she wants to marry him when we finish uni (in 2yrs time). Her family doesn't know about him. That's a bit of background info on that.


    About a year ago I sort of told her I had feelings for her and she said I'm sorry, but I have a bf. I love him. Etc. She did say to me that she thinks we can't be friends anymore because she doesn't want to see me sad. I said no I want to stay friends and within a week, it was back to normal between us.


    I like being friends with her. We get on really well and I'm happy when I'm around her.


    The only thing is, sometimes I feel like I am too nice to her, and treat her as if she is more than just a friend. I am always helping her whenever she asks and I am always available to her. It's not deliberate - I just sort of don't want to say no to her.


    Sometimes I feel maybe she doesn't appreciate everything I do for her.
    Also, I feel really attached to her and sometimes I feel I act a bit needy and clingy. I know that's not good but that's what I feel.


    I already know I care about her a lot more than she cares about me. Maybe she doesn't need to care that much? Maybe I am expecting too much?


    A few other issues. She has lots of guy friends and I am 99% sure they all like her. I kind of get jealous and uneasy when I see her talking to them :/


    I get upset very easily with her. I don't like to argue or have any problems with her.


    I won't lie I've had sexual thoughts about her pop into my head. It's not nice. It hurts.


    From time to time, I become really sad about the whole thing because I really like her and I can't accept the reality of the situation


    What are your thoughts?


    Right now, I'm in a kind of limbo - I'm not happy with the relationship I have with her, but I don't want to end it either.
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    stop being a beta white knight, you might have low test
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    How about you grow a pair and try to get wit her if you really like her, if not then be content with being friends.
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    You should try dating someone else (casually so know one gets hurt) if she has said before that she doesn't like you that way am sorry but you should accept it. Attempt to gain a little space and become more independent and confident in yourself. You should still be friends but attempt to keep it as JUST friends so you don't confuse your emotions, it's not bad to have fantasy its normal but try and pass your desires onto someone else so you don't feel like your betraying her trust (if you don't feel like that good you shouldn't). Maybe even make more friends to break that attachment of something more you have made with yourself and her, so you can't slowly stop being jealous and clingy. It's hard and slow to get over people but it helps if you know she's happy with the guy she is with

    Hope everything goes well,
    Mia x


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    (Original post by believeteam22)
    I have a female friend who I have strong feelings for. But she is in a relationship.


    Her relationship is a little "unique". Her bf lives in another country and they have only met once in person. They have been talking via Skype and messaging for the past 4 years. And she wants to marry him when we finish uni (in 2yrs time). Her family doesn't know about him. That's a bit of background info on that.


    About a year ago I sort of told her I had feelings for her and she said I'm sorry, but I have a bf. I love him. Etc. She did say to me that she thinks we can't be friends anymore because she doesn't want to see me sad. I said no I want to stay friends and within a week, it was back to normal between us.


    I like being friends with her. We get on really well and I'm happy when I'm around her.


    The only thing is, sometimes I feel like I am too nice to her, and treat her as if she is more than just a friend. I am always helping her whenever she asks and I am always available to her. It's not deliberate - I just sort of don't want to say no to her.


    Sometimes I feel maybe she doesn't appreciate everything I do for her.
    Also, I feel really attached to her and sometimes I feel I act a bit needy and clingy. I know that's not good but that's what I feel.


    I already know I care about her a lot more than she cares about me. Maybe she doesn't need to care that much? Maybe I am expecting too much?


    A few other issues. She has lots of guy friends and I am 99% sure they all like her. I kind of get jealous and uneasy when I see her talking to them :/


    I get upset very easily with her. I don't like to argue or have any problems with her.


    I won't lie I've had sexual thoughts about her pop into my head. It's not nice. It hurts.


    From time to time, I become really sad about the whole thing because I really like her and I can't accept the reality of the situation


    What are your thoughts?


    Right now, I'm in a kind of limbo - I'm not happy with the relationship I have with her, but I don't want to end it either.
    You have been given plenty advice in all your other threads you have made about this, she has a girlfriend there is nothing you can do about it other than be friends with her.
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    (Original post by Adipoptosis)
    Well my advice is to either make a plan to win her over or find someone else you like. It may hurt now but this kind of state is not productive and it will eat up your time.
    I don't have a plan. She just doesn't like me in that way and she is in love with her bf. But still I can't accept this and I just can't get over her. I am not in a good place right now.
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    (Original post by Bobbi!)
    I don't really have advice but her relationship seems very weird... how can she plan to marry a guy she doesn't even know in person.... people are very different online to in real life!!! If she's with him maybe it's because she wants to protect herself from being open to a real relationship..... I'm not saying long distance can't work, but they've met once in 4 years!?!?! Come on!!


    I wouldn't see him as too much of a threat!
    I did think that also. However, she wants to marry the guy. She has had lots of guys ask her out and she has declined them all. It must mean she sees something in this guy then. That being said, I don't really see this working out, however I can't say this to her for obvious reasons..
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    (Original post by sjm14)
    Its very clear you want to be in a relationship with said girl, had you not you would've moved on after you tried to make a move. Exactly what she said would happen has happened, you're sad and more so jealous over someone who's not yours and , if you ask me she's using you, and the other guys probably, as a surrogate for the affection she can't get from her boyfriend.

    I recommend you distance yourself from her and find something else to focuse on in order to forget about her. I don't think your relationship will develop any further so its probably best to invest your time in something beneficial.
    What you say is absolutely right. I am more sad now than ever. I shouldn't have stayed friends with her or not as closely as I have done so; its great to see her and hang out but its also torture. It's not a nice feeling at all.

    I know I need to move on but something is stopping me. I can't stop thinking about her. And the thing is, I see her all the time. She is in all my classes. I'm just really down about this whole thing and I feel lost.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're lying to urself by saying you want to keep her "as a friend," and I'm speaking from experience. I've had (as many other guys have as well, I assume) similar situations in the past but what you want from her is not friendship. You just want to keep her around because you like being with her in a very non-platonic way. If you don't want to lose a friend, I would suggest either forcing urself to crush on someone else or just stay away until the feelings fade. Just my two cents.
    I don't want to lose her as a friend. But it's just really difficult right now. I am really messed up inside right now. I'm madly in love with this girl and I can't do anything about it and I feel helpless.
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    (Original post by MissMia1998)
    You should try dating someone else (casually so know one gets hurt) if she has said before that she doesn't like you that way am sorry but you should accept it. Attempt to gain a little space and become more independent and confident in yourself. You should still be friends but attempt to keep it as JUST friends so you don't confuse your emotions, it's not bad to have fantasy its normal but try and pass your desires onto someone else so you don't feel like your betraying her trust (if you don't feel like that good you shouldn't). Maybe even make more friends to break that attachment of something more you have made with yourself and her, so you can't slowly stop being jealous and clingy. It's hard and slow to get over people but it helps if you know she's happy with the guy she is with

    Hope everything goes well,
    Mia x


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    I have tried to accept it but I just can't let it go. I am madly in love with her and it's really eating me up inside. I will try and do what you said. She is happy with her bf, and yeah I should be happy for her, and I am, but it's really painful sometimes even being around her. Whenever I just look at her, I just feel really sad inside

    Thanks for your advice
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    (Original post by Revebjelle)
    This may sound brutal but it's offered with kindness...
    Let go of it. She isn't available, and even if you're in love with her it doesn't mean you have any inherent right to be with her. You're causing yourself suffering by avoiding the reality of the situation.
    Life is short. Don't waste it chasing after people who aren't or can't be available. There are other gals out there who need a guy like you. Go find 'em and be happy!
    I have tried to let it go. Believe me. I am not happy and I can't continue like this. But my feelings for this girl are very strong. I've never felt so strongly about a girl like this before. In a way it is my own fault, I got too close to her over the past year knowing she had a bf. But it just sort of happened over time and now I am really struggling with the reality of it.
    I have looked for other girls but I haven't really found one whom I like, perhaps because this girl is always on my mind.
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    (Original post by believeteam22)
    I don't have a plan. She just doesn't like me in that way and she is in love with her bf. But still I can't accept this and I just can't get over her. I am not in a good place right now.
    I feel just the same way about a girl that I met!

    Ok so before you try and pursue this girl, you need to do something thinking.

    The key question you have to answer as objectively as possible is - given HER point-of-view, who out of the two of you would she be better off with in the long run? You think about finances, looks, character, trustworthiness, family, personality compatibility, etc.

    When I looked at all of these I realised that I'm way ahead of this other guy in a lot of domains. And I love her more.

    Once you have this established, thats it, don't ask yourself any more questions. Don't let the haters deter you. Don't let things get in the way. You're working to make things better in both of your lives and it will work out in the end. It is this absolute conviction you have to find.

    The specifics of the actual plan is not so important - you will find a way.

    Bear in mind that if she flat out refuses and tells you to leave her alone then obviously its over, you don't want to be a creep but this won't happen if your judgement and manner is any good.
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    I can write an essay on this but let me keep it straight.

    Male energy + Female energy are of that to attract each other sexually.

    The way you have come across has dimmed your masculine energy, for example being too soft, taking **** from her, being always available, being her therapist/ go stroker. In simple terms, she's a magnet and you've turned yourself into wood chips and hoped to attract each other.
    Does not work.

    Now, in an ideal world, being friends with the girl should work as she gets to know you and then realises you are what she needs.... Not in the real world, only works in movies (typically written my the people who were the unwanted kids at the back of the class that, ironically, never experienced relationships).

    So we've got to the point where we see you're 'friendzoned'

    How do we escape? Well you've got about a 20% chance but if you're willing here are some steps.
    - Make yourself less avaliable. (People want what they cannot have).
    - Date other girls, Compliment/ Be distracted by other girls around you when you are together. (She is no longer the centre of your universe and she will want to get back there by trying hard, in other words she will chase you)
    - Surround yourself with other people. She will see you're popular and think she must have you. Women are genetically wired to want to get the most dominant 'alpha' male around, for genes, for protection, for security etc so if she sees you in a way that shows you have something that makes everyone like you, she will feel like she has to secure you as you're a catch.

    ...
    Need further advice? PM me. (If any typos, sorry - quite busy but wanted to help).
 
 
 
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