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    My ex and I were together for 2 1/2 years and I was crazy about him. He was unmotivated and I hated that about him. He also was addicted to porn and that made me feel really bad about myself at times so I broke up with him. Shortly after, I got a new boyfriend (really, a rebound) who I quickly hated and broke it off with him. The whole time I was away from my original ex I missed him, thought about him all the time and wondered if I made a mistake. He was a really sweet person. I often wonder if I was too hard on him, or if he really was addicted to porn or if I made it all up in my head. So I contacted him and we agreed to try and be friends.
    Well we had sex. He said he doesn't want me to think we will get back together. I'm in between spilling my guts to him and trying to win him back and acting like a hardass so I'm not vulnerable and he can't hurt me anymore.
    Should I give up on him? Should we even be friends?

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    I say go for it, but don't let him record you
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    Just don't let him take you for granted. Make sure you both know where you stand with each other, maybe ask him outright if he wants to just be friends, or would like a relationship.
    Do whatever your gut is telling you


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    (Original post by girl_on_the_moon)
    He was unmotivated and I hated that about him. He also was addicted to porn and that made me feel really bad about myself at times so I broke up with him.
    What do you mean 'unmotivated'?

    Also, addicted to porn - that's a difficult one. Sometimes couples can have a lot of fun with porn, it can suggest good fun ideas.

    (Original post by girl_on_the_moon)
    Well we had sex. He said he doesn't want me to think we will get back together. I'm in between spilling my guts to him and trying to win him back and acting like a hardass so I'm not vulnerable and he can't hurt me anymore.
    Should I give up on him? Should we even be friends?
    He's probably a bit worried that if he gets properly involved with you again, you'll dump him again. If you really want him but act all hardass, you'll miss your chance. I guess you need to think what you really want. Be truthful with him and yourself.

    Also, don't spill your guts. Nothing ruins a relationship more than farting in front of each other (j/k).
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    To be honest with you, you should try to move on. Whilst trying to remain friends with him you're only prolonging the pain for yourself. I've been there. Especially because he doesn't seem overly eager for the two of you to get back together. I suggest cutting it off, it'll hurt a lot at first but the pain will eventually ease.
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    He was unmotivated, because he loved to play videogames. I was working full time and going to college and he would get off of work and play videogames. He was immature in that regard, but we also had a lot of fun together. Claire, I know that's probably the best choice, I'm just not brave enough I guess. I still love him dearly.

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    Did I mention we work at the same hospital? Ugh. I see him almost everyday

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    Plays videogames... Watches lots of porn.. Awww he reminds me of myself.

    On topic: I'm not sure why you broke it off in the first place...


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    I'm all confused...

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    I think you should pursue someone better. There's a reason you thought 'enough is enough'
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    I agree, I see your point.

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    I don't see much wrong with playing video games and watching porn, as both activities are legal, and people have a right to choose what they do in their spare time. However, if it made him ignore you then it's gone too far.

    Also - 'ambitious' - so difficul to actually quantify. Does he want to save people's lives yet be on a low paid job? Does he want to go to Africa to help the starving? Does he want to be a Diogenistic type character who lives in poverty yet spiritually and philosophically motivates people? Does he want to make music? Or perhaps he wants to be a video games tester, or open his own porn site? Or perhaps he doesn't care much for the material aspect of life.

    Or is it simply a matter of him getting a better car and a promotion at work?
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    I never put too much emphasis on materialistic ideals or even care that much about money (money is always nice to have, don't get me wrong), but I intend to focus on one's drive to grow as an individual, your mind and spirit. I enjoy exploring life and it's opportunities, meeting new people and trying different things, whereas he was more content staying at home and ordering pizza.

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    His obsession with porn put a damper on our sex life, not because I didn't want to, but because he preferred porn over me.

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    (Original post by girl_on_the_moon)
    I never put too much emphasis on materialistic ideals or even care that much about money (money is always nice to have, don't get me wrong), but I intend to focus on one's drive to grow as an individual, your mind and spirit. I enjoy exploring life and it's opportunities, meeting new people and trying different things, whereas he was more content staying at home and ordering pizza.
    What about life's opportunity of studying say astronomy where one usually stays in the same place, doesn't meet anyone, and notes down stuff that is the same as it was yesterday and every other day that year? Yet astronomy is one of the most exciting sciences out there.

    What I'm saying is don't assume someone's not growing as a person just because they're introvert.

    However I get what you're saying. Sounds like you want a more extrovert partner, rather than a more ambitious partner.
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    I think you're probably just romanticising the relationship because you're lonely now. It sounds like you need some time to rebuild yourself and figure out what you want. It's incredibly hard but it's probably the only way to keep moving forward.
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    Well you both work in a hospital - it's a pretty stressful environment. It sounds to me that videogames are his way to unwind, which I totally empathise with. Sure, he shouldn't let his life revolve around that or porn; but if that's what he wants to do to cope with what he deals with everyday, you have to respect that. If you don't want to do the same and are more interested in exploring and doing extroverted things, then there's a fundamental clash between how you'd both like to spend your time.

    You obviously know how much work needs to be done working in a hospital, and perhaps that's where he'd like to remain. You don't need to be driven your whole life always seeking that next promotion, especially if you're happy with the job you currently have.

    It seems to me that he's not what you want. Let him find someone who's more relaxed about life, and you can find someone who's on his way to becoming a CEO and will soon have all the time in the world for travelling.
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    Thank you for all of your feedback everyone. I've decided to remain single and spend more time on myself and see where that takes me!

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    Staying single is probably a good idea, time on yourself is important.

    Incidentally, I wouldn't link playing video games to being unambitious. I spend a lot of time playing video games... I'm still ambitious and work/study hard. I like having the escapism. What's more relaxing than killing orcs?
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    Good on you, you're going through men quicker than a fat kid goes through a bag of m&ms. But hey, do whatever you want. You wanted sex and you got it, hats off to you miss.

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