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wanted more advice on this relationship, with being used, concern over sti's etc watch

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    Ok so I have posted about this before in a different context but it's quite a tricky situation/relationship with several ways of looking at it. So if you have replied before about this sorry to post the issue again and thanks if you replied as I am taking people's opinions into account.
    • Basically I asked the following on a relationships chat room:

    I'm 29 and although I've had dates in the past I've never had intercourse. I've known a man in his 50's for 12 years (we have trained at the same sports/climbing club) we have been seeing each other for 3 months now and have been putting off sex as I've not felt ready and prefere to know him, at first I said I wanted to stay friends but after weeks he decided he either wanted a relationship or nothing at all as he was getting attached.
    We are now in a relationship

    He has never married and has had many sexual partners in his life and so I'm worried about him having sti's. What worried me more was that one night he wanted sex and when I mentioned condoms he said he would just 'pull out' so he possibly is used to having unprotected sex : / I would like him to get tested ( I would get tested too for him) but don't know how to bring this up without him thinking I'm being awkward or without offending him. I really like him and after making him wait for months I am willing to have sex ..but don't want to catch sti's. I will always use a condom anyway.

    So yea I don't want him to think I'm messing him about with all the making him wait stuff and now suddenly asking him to get tested. : /. He is very set in his ways with being older and would probably think that me requiring him to get tested before sex (even with a condom) is ridiculous.

    Am I being over the top? Any ideas on how to persuade him to get tested?

    And got the following replies

    Don't do it. Don't loose your Virginity to a guy you won't marry. He is way older that's gross. Seriously leave him. He sounds like a gross player who goes on younger girls. If you can't imagine yourself having kids (he prolly cant) with him then stop and don't do it. Don't waist it on a man just because u have been seeing him and he wants u too. Don't waist ur first time seriously. But if u must do it. Be really sexually and make him want u then say that u will only have sex if he gets tested. Since u made him want u, he will most likely do it. Make him use a condom and be careful but I recommend not doing it


    • I replied that it is only sex and all the losing virginity stuff is only as big as deal as what is made of it anyway, then someone else replied
      Only sex? Your sadly mistaken. Don't treat it like that. He is using you. Do what you want. Your life you can ruin it

    So yea I asked about sti's/getting tested and get instead get advised that he is using me. If he is then he has been spending a lot of time with just for sex ie spending every evening together, going on trips at the weekend etc, for 3 months now and I keep saying I'm not ready for sex. It could even be argued (even if untrue) that I'm using him for company (I enjoy spending time with him). Not money as people might assume since I make sure I pay for myself/at least half for everything. I do have feelings for him and have done for years.

    so I suppose I just wanted advice on the whole situation. I know I'm showing myself up asking this as I'm revealing my age/lack of sexual experience and am making myself sound stupid (I probably am ha) but I'm willing to make myself sound naive or whatever if it means I can get some more good advice on this. The reason I ask people online is because I can't really talk to people I know as most of them know him.
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    If that's the only thing preventing you from having the sex you want, then tell him this. He'll may think it's a waste of time, but since he obviously cares about you he will probably be happy to oblige just to assuage your fears. As for using a condom, explain that you're just very nervous and want to feel totally safe. Again, since it sounds like he cares about you, there shouldn't be an issue.

    If he tells you to forget about the tests/condoms and just let him inside you, then you may want to consider other realities, but until then, just be open and honest about what you want.



    I do wonder though, might you only be feeling like you want to have sex in order to "repay" him for his company over the time you've been together?
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    (Original post by Calpurnia)
    If that's the only thing preventing you from having the sex you want, then tell him this. He'll may think it's a waste of time, but since he obviously cares about you he will probably be happy to oblige just to assuage your fears. As for using a condom, explain that you're just very nervous and want to feel totally safe. Again, since it sounds like he cares about you, there shouldn't be an issue.

    If he tells you to forget about the tests/condoms and just let him inside you, then you may want to consider other realities, but until then, just be open and honest about what you want.



    I do wonder though, might you only be feeling like you want to have sex in order to "repay" him for his company over the time you've been together?
    Ok, thanks. I'm just trying to figure out if people might be right in that he is using me even though it doesn't feel that way. He does push for sex but then would he be spending all this time with me going out to places, cuddling etc for 3 months just for sex? On the other hand it's odd that his longest relationship in his life has been 8 months lol, but I suppose he's quite an odd person, always been dedicated to sport and I suppose gets bored with things over time. He said that women in the past tried to drag him away from sport and 'change him'.

    About the sex, I could happily go without sex for ages as I get my needs met through just spending time with him. But I know that for men (and some women) it's different and sex is an important part of a relationship. I know that he wants sex so I would feel it's selfish to deny him this. It's not so much about repaying him for the time he has spent with me but more about pulling my 'part' in the relationship.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ok, thanks. I'm just trying to figure out if people might be right in that he is using me even though it doesn't feel that way. He does push for sex but then would he be spending all this time with me going out to places, cuddling etc for 3 months just for sex? On the other hand it's odd that his longest relationship in his life has been 8 months lol, but I suppose he's quite an odd person, always been dedicated to sport and I suppose gets bored with things over time. He said that women in the past tried to drag him away from sport and 'change him'.

    About the sex, I could happily go without sex for ages as I get my needs met through just spending time with him. But I know that for men (and some women) it's different and sex is an important part of a relationship. I know that he wants sex so I would feel it's selfish to deny him this. It's not so much about repaying him for the time he has spent with me but more about pulling my 'part' in the relationship.
    The thing about relationships is that they're inherently selfish affairs. I suppose what it boils down to is this:

    if it turns out he doesn't actually have any interest in you beyond your body, would you still be able to enjoy the mating-dance you've been performing (the hanging out, the trips, and all of the time together)? If all that was just part of a plan to get inside you, would it still have been worth it?

    Whilst sex may be important to him, this is for him to sort out. If having a girl lick my toes was crucial for me in a relationship, I shouldn't be involved with a girl who hates feet. Do you see what I mean? If you've always been open about your interest in intercourse, then you've got nothing to feel guilty about because he knew the risks.

    If it's something you want to do for him because you like him and want to make him feel nice, then go ahead, but do consider my above questions.
 
 
 
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