Dad wasn't there for 16 years and now making my life a misery Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#1
Hiya guys. Basically I'm a 17 year old girl. My dad left when I was a baby and had no touch with me at all for 16 years. He then got in touch with me last year. I was quick to forgive him, as I always wanted a father in my life. At first he was very nice, but as times going on, he's making my life a misery. He doesn't live with us, but he expects me to message him as soon as I walk through the doorstep as soon as I get home etc etc. He calls me a liar for no reason and fights unnecessarily. I'm so upset through all this, but I can't take it if he leaves either. Please ppl, advise me. I know most of u will tell me to ditch him, but it's easier said than done
reply
Paralove
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#2
Report 4 years ago
#2
Stand your ground and tell him that he needs to stop acting like he is, or you'll cut contact. If he is really interested in being in your life, he will do so. You have to be firm. If you threaten but don't go through with it, he'll continue trying to be controlling. It's a hard thing to do but surely your happiness is greater than having someone in your life who doesn't truly know you, having been absent, and acting in this way?
0
reply
Ekemini
Badges: 10
Rep:
?
#3
Report 4 years ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hiya guys. Basically I'm a 17 year old girl. My dad left when I was a baby and had no touch with me at all for 16 years. He then got in touch with me last year. I was quick to forgive him, as I always wanted a father in my life. At first he was very nice, but as times going on, he's making my life a misery. He doesn't live with us, but he expects me to message him as soon as I walk through the doorstep as soon as I get home etc etc. He calls me a liar for no reason and fights unnecessarily. I'm so upset through all this, but I can't take it if he leaves either. Please ppl, advise me. I know most of u will tell me to ditch him, but it's easier said than done
Tell your mom. He has no right to expect anything of you when he did not fufill his role as a father
3
reply
schindlers list
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#4
Report 4 years ago
#4
I duno
0
reply
Ebony19
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#5
Report 4 years ago
#5
Ah that's a really sad situation . I've live with my dad all my life but he's caused us a lot of problems. The worst part is needing a dad/father figuire so much but knowing the reality of who it is and how they don't really come close to providing that.

I guess you have to just be more assertive and put boundaries in place. It might be a struggle at first because he might not be used to it but as long as you make sure you stick at it he'll hopefully get the picture.

Every time he kicks off remind him that you managed to get to this age looking after yourself so you don't need to be constantly monitored.
1
reply
User1674917
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#6
Report 4 years ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hiya guys. Basically I'm a 17 year old girl. My dad left when I was a baby and had no touch with me at all for 16 years. He then got in touch with me last year. I was quick to forgive him, as I always wanted a father in my life. At first he was very nice, but as times going on, he's making my life a misery. He doesn't live with us, but he expects me to message him as soon as I walk through the doorstep as soon as I get home etc etc. He calls me a liar for no reason and fights unnecessarily. I'm so upset through all this, but I can't take it if he leaves either. Please ppl, advise me. I know most of u will tell me to ditch him, but it's easier said than done
He has no right over you. He leaves you for 16 years and he expects it to all be okay? He might just be trying to be a good dad, but just tell him that you're annoyed and upset about this. Or just don't talk to him.
1
reply
Gnomes&Knights
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#7
Report 4 years ago
#7
Some men are good fathers, some are not. If you know that he really loves you them you should try to make him understand. If he doesn't then you should forget him. You've been living peacefully with your mum for 16 years and it should remain like that.

Some kids can live without a father figure which is not as important as you might think. Your a girl so you should stick around with your mother. The mother is more important than the father in my opinion.
1
reply
Octohedral
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#8
Report 4 years ago
#8
Have you spoken to your mother about who he was and why he left? Is there anyone who has known him more recently who you could talk to?

It sounds like either he has always been a bit controlling, or he is (misguidedly) trying too hard to be a parent figure and catch up on what he missed. Is he someone you can sit down and have a proper conversation with?

There are probably support groups that can help. I'd imagine a parent entering your life after such a long time is always problematic, and it might help to fix certain boundaries, and take it slowly.

Also, I get the impression you're scared to do anything in case he leaves again. I'm not sure how to help with this, but I think you can't be the one making allowances here - he should be fighting to be in your life, not the other way around. Obviously, this is easy to say.
2
reply
Ebony19
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#9
Report 4 years ago
#9
(Original post by Raymat)
Some men are good fathers, some are not. If you know that he really loves you them you should try to make him understand. If he doesn't then you should forget him. You've been living peacefully with your mum for 16 years and it should remain like that.

Some kids can live without a father figure which is not as important as you might think. Your a girl so you should stick around with your mother. The mother is more important than the father in my opinion.
Totally disagree. If a father mistreats his daughter that's her first example of what men are like. Often these girls go on to an adulthood of bad or even abusive relationships with men. On the other hand if she has a supportive father she is more likely to be secure in herself.

Mothers are most important in years 0-5 after that both are of great importance
1
reply
Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#10
Wow guys, thanks a lot for your replies. I really honestly appreciate it. As some of you can tell, I'm so worried about him leaving me again. But I know that's what he wants. He always threatens to leave me, but then I go begging back and then regret it after. I just feel so depressed I was so happy before meeting him
reply
Anonymous #1
#11
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
#11
(Original post by Paralove)
Stand your ground and tell him that he needs to stop acting like he is, or you'll cut contact. If he is really interested in being in your life, he will do so. You have to be firm. If you threaten but don't go through with it, he'll continue trying to be controlling. It's a hard thing to do but surely your happiness is greater than having someone in your life who doesn't truly know you, having been absent, and acting in this way?
Thank you for your reply every time I try to stand my ground, he just cuts the phone and says im being rude :/ ur totally right, I was much happier before. He's just constantly controlling me
reply
beckaroo7
Badges: 3
Rep:
?
#12
Report 4 years ago
#12
Stand up to him and tell him he's completely out of order. Explain exactly why you feel like that and after 16 years he can't have these expectations of you. If he can't handle that then ditch him/ The fact he even threatens to leaves should make you think "well fine, do!" You had 16 years without him, what is he adding to your life that is positive? It doesn't sound like a lot. If you were happy before meeting him that says a lot. Speaking as someone who lost thier dad at 2 and am almost 21, I turned out fine
0
reply
Gnomes&Knights
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#13
Report 4 years ago
#13
(Original post by Ebony19)
Totally disagree. If a father mistreats his daughter that's her first example of what men are like. Often these girls go on to an adulthood of bad or even abusive relationships with men. On the other hand if she has a supportive father she is more likely to be secure in herself.



Mothers are most important in years 0-5 after that both are of great importance
I know a male figure such as a father is important in a girl's life as this can help girls get to know men better and to form stable relationships later but at the same time if a father is really abusive and isn't really showing any care then the daughter might fall into anger and depression. Its not good for mental health so is it really worth it? Not all girls are the same. Some girls can live with their mother and not turn out the way you described. I know a few women, as well as men, who have lived with their mothers for a long time without a father figure with no problems. The women are married and are living peacefully with their husbands.
0
reply
BlackThunder10
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#14
Report 4 years ago
#14
I know lot about this.........just continue living as normal, unless the situation is affecting you in a bad way. He has already missed alot of your life, so make him make the effort, if thats what you really want
1
reply
Ebony19
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#15
Report 4 years ago
#15
(Original post by Raymat)
I know a male figure such as a father is important in a girl's life as this can help girls get to know men better and to form stable relationships later but at the same time if a father is really abusive and isn't really showing any care then the daughter might fall into anger and depression. Its not good for mental health so is it really worth it? Not all girls are the same. Some girls can live with their mother and not turn out the way you described. I know a few women, as well as men, who have lived with their mothers for a long time without a father figure with no problems. The women are married and are living peacefully with their husbands.
Obviously it depends on the particular dynamics of the situation. The girl may have other supportive male figuires in her life when growing up even if her father isn't present. This will obviously go some way to providing a positive model of men for which she can base her future relationships on. If she has solely negative or abusive experiences with adult men when she is growing up and she has been brought up by a single mother. I find it very hard to believe that this girl wouldn't have problems with men in the future.
0
reply
Paralove
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#16
Report 4 years ago
#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for your reply every time I try to stand my ground, he just cuts the phone and says im being rude :/ ur totally right, I was much happier before. He's just constantly controlling me
Talk to him about it next time he calls. If he cuts you off again, finish what you want to say in a text instead. The best thing to do is be firm but not angry/irritated. Obviously you would love to have a father to look up to but he is acting like anything but a dad right now in trying to control you.

If you like, feel free to PM me, always happy to talk!
1
reply
Ebony19
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#17
Report 4 years ago
#17
(Original post by Anonymous)
every time I try to stand my ground, he just cuts the phone and says im being rude :/ ur totally right, I was much happier before. He's just constantly controlling me
He does sound like a bit of a tyrant. Like people are saying you really need to put boundaries in place to protect yourself it's not fair. Also I really think you'd benefit from extra support, sounds like you've got a lot on and you're still really young. Do you see a counsellor or have a good network of friends?
0
reply
HotCoco.
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#18
Report 4 years ago
#18
Don't worry about having to behave because you're worried about him leaving. Because in all honesty if he leaves because parenthood has come crashing down and he can't take it so calls quits and runs - then good riddance. You don't need someone so unreliable in your life anyway.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
2
reply
geebeeiii
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#19
Report 4 years ago
#19
I went through the literal SAME EXACT THING.

My dad disappeared on us when I was a baby. Then when I was just turning 17 he reappeared and I decided to try. Not because I really wanted a dad or anything- my mum is amazing and despite what he did she never said a bad word about him because she wanted me to make my own mind up about him. Anyway, I was determined not to hold a grudge. I started to get to know him but he never really bothered to get to know me. He is an inherently selfish person, I suppose, but I was willing to overlook this. However, I quickly realised that I was miserable. He'd had nothing to do with my life, had no hand in bringing me up, but expected me to do as I was told and exactly like you, do things like tell him when I got home. Excuse me? But you didn't know if I was safe for 16 solid years, why do you suddenly care?

I find a lot of people don't understand that because people who always had a dad think the father/daughter bond is automatic but it isn't. I never had a father, and you can't start parenting me once the hard work is all done. I was willing to try and have some sort of relationship with my father but definitely not one where he has authority in my life or gets to act the concerned father when he wasn't very concerned before. It just doesn't make any sense, so I ignored it and refused to do what he asked just to assert myself.
Anyway, things turned nasty. He started saying horrible things about my mum even though she never did that to him despite him leaving her (not to mention during those years spreading lies about her, like when she had cancer he told people she knew that was making it up!). He also started attacking me and jumping down my throat over the slightest thing. It was like dealing with an overgrown toddler. I quickly realised that I was more miserable with him in my life than I ever was without him. My family life was complete before he came back into the picture.

Since then, I've seen him once. He made a very ostentatious and insincere apology in front of everyone, which totally humiliated me. He made me look really bad in front of everyone, like I'm a ***** for not forgiving him, which isn't the case. I had forgiven him, he just did new stuff that I hadn't forgiven him for. I just decided that I was happier and better off without him and have had virtually no contact with him since. His wife messages me sometimes but I have no problem with her. I got a Christmas card but whatever.

I have no idea if this has been any help. If you do want your dad in your life, that's up to you, but you have to lay down the law and make it plain that you aren't obliged to him after he left you. You can see what I've done, but that's the solution that was best for me. I didn't care in the end if he wasn't in my life- if he had been angry and cut me out again I wouldn't have been bothered. And as someone said, if you think someone a grown adult no less won't be able to deal with you disagreeing with them and walk out all over again then you're not missing much. A parent can't come back to an almost adult child and expect them to be compliant as a toddler.

I just thought hearing from someone else with extremely similar experiences as you might help put things into perspective. I hope you figure it out
4
reply
carlaraptor
Badges: 9
Rep:
?
#20
Report 4 years ago
#20
(Original post by Ebony19)
The worst part is needing a dad/father figuire so much but knowing the reality of who it is and how they don't really come close to providing that.
This hit me like a punch to the stomach. So true.


To the OP:


I can't really say a lot, I just wanted to say I have total sympathy for you. My situation is similar, but different - my dad left when I was a baby, I met him when I was 16. He was in my life for about a year, and that was too long considering the situation/what he did.

You say you're afraid of losing him - I know exactly what you mean. But you're not scared of losing him... you're scared of losing the idea of a dad. I've been there, it's hard. I had to cut my dad out and I never did get to have a dad, I think I believed I had one for about a month (and most of that was before I'd actually met him). But he's been out of my life for about seven years now. I have two wonderful older half brothers (who I had no idea about before I met my dad) and I've accepted that I don't want or need a dad in my life. Of the three of us, none of us have any contact with him. I think that says everything about what kind of person and father he is.

I hope you can resolve this - be honest with him about his behaviour, stand up for yourself, and see if you can work this out. But remember that he's the one that owes you. He owes you big time. I'm not saying you need to bring this up, or rub it in, or anything - but he should know that he owes you, and he should be doing all he can do reassure you and make things up to you.

If all he's doing is hurting you, maybe think about whether he's a positive or negative influence in your life. Don't be afraid to ask for space, or tell him how you need things to be. Things should be on your terms.

Take care, and feel free to PM me if you need. x
2
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Where do you need more help?

Which Uni should I go to? (159)
18.62%
How successful will I become if I take my planned subjects? (84)
9.84%
How happy will I be if I take this career? (142)
16.63%
How do I achieve my dream Uni placement? (122)
14.29%
What should I study to achieve my dream career? (82)
9.6%
How can I be the best version of myself? (265)
31.03%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed