dad issues

my dad has really been a terrible dad. and i wish i didn't hold a grudge against him.

when i was younger, he had a big drink problem. he ruined several christmases. on seperate christmas days, he punched a hole in the toilet door and tore down the living room curtains. one christmas me and my mum even had to leave the house he was so drunk, and another we stood at a train station, just with nowhere else to go.

the man destroyed my confidence growing up. he criticised me harshly and momentarily, for stuff like knocking an empty glass over. but now if i knock a glass over, i go red and feel scared.

hes come off the drink in the last six years or so. but hes a complete t**t, drink or no. he has tried to persuade my mum to give me and my sister into care twice. before my mums birthday, he told her he wanted a divorce.

he did do dad things like take me and my frends for walks, but only if my mum persuaded him, and then he complained and only did what he wanted to on the walk. then if he ended up enjoying himself, he would be nice to me as if it was ok now he was having a good time.

so now i resent him massively.
and now, i treat him badly
it appears to him like im the badguy in all this..
is it right to resent him?
he has done nothing to earn my respect...
but still, he is my dad

Reply 1

lil one

2

hes your dad, but he treated you like crap. Be civil towards him, and keep telling yourself that one day you won't have to live in the same house as him!
Goodluck hun :hugs:

x

Reply 2

dan_black

1

me personally if i was treated like that would kick him in the nuts repeatidly. i think your absolutely right to act towards him the way you are and to hold a grudge. he has knocked you and it still affects you with things like knocking glasses over, he is still affecting you because its troubling you the way you are to him. i wont say anything derogatory because at the end of the day he is your dad. But if that was my dad i have to be honest and say i wouldnt even give him the respect you are by wondering if your right to act in that way. hugs and kisses sweetheart :smile:

Reply 3

Claire_Elizabeth

1

Im so sorry to hear about how you have been treated because nobody should go through something like that!
Its understandable to resent him, and to be honest you have every right to! But at the end of the day he is your dad, no matter what he has done, im sure deep deep down he does love you, but as a person he expresses things the wrong way and it sounds as if drink has ruined his life!
If that was my dad I would feel the same way as you do, the only advice I can give you is to try and be strong about this and be there for your mum and sister.

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

It sounds cliched, but if you can't forgive him/ move on, you will never be happy, because of the angry/hating feelings inside of you. I have experience of this, and, although the situation was not as violent as yours, it affected me enough so that every day I had these nasty feelings inside, for years. They negatively affect your personality too, over a length of time so long.

I was eventually forced into the situation where I had to confront the person involved, and although it was HORRIBLE, weeks afterwards I started to feel happy again. I'm not saying I now completely trust/like the person, as it's still the case that they did what they did. But something to do with the act of confronting them and putting our feelings out into the open, made the situation and the relationship between us better.

Reply 5

pink_lucie

14

hey pm me

Reply 6

*knowitall*

Some people will never be able to face up to what their behaviour has doen to others. They will always see themselves as victims. It is very unlikely your dad would accept he is/has ever been at fault. It will always be that other forces (money troubles/marriage troubles etc etc) caused his problems.

So I don't think you need to forgive him. It is not a child's role to forgive a parent who has messed up their childhood. But you do need to work out how you are going to get on with your life. That may involve getting on with your dad despite everything - or it might not. You will decide as you go along.

Try not to make being his child the defining bit of your life - just be YOU!

You probably need to start believing in yourself as a worhtwhile person with a great personality who can leave most of the bad stuff from childhood behind.

Look forward instead of back.

Once you get where you are going - to be a strong adult yourself (and maybe with help from friends/other relatives/counselling if needed) - then maybe you should "deal" with the dad thing.

Good luck. :wink:

Reply 7

Elitist

14

Selfish as it sounds, but if I had a dad like yours I would just never speak to him again or make any attempt to contact him. Do you still live with him? If not I would just cut him out of your life.. he's ruined it enough already and I wouldn't give a person like that a second chance just so that he can do it all over again. People like that don't deserve second chances. Dad or no dad - he didn't exactly act like much of a dad, did he? And if you do live with him then I'd think you're perfectly entitled to hold a grudge towards him, after all that he's done. Good luck and hope everything goes well for you

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

No, you can't just cut him out. As I said before, you have to deal with the bad relationship, otherwise it will eat you up. You wouldn't just forget about him, and be able to let go; he's your dad. You both need to come to an understanding in order to move on.

Reply 9

gas_panic!

12

As far as i am concerned this is a dad issue.

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

Indeed, do you have a helpful comment to contribute?

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

thanks so much everyone for your replies. they really helped!

and yeah, i still live with him. i go away to uni next year though

i could confront him about what hes done..
or i could just go on with my life and forget about him.
its difficult.

Reply 12

Wangers

16

NO dont forget - you're experiences make you stronger - thats what you are - you are made by your experiences into the wonderful person Im sure you are. I have/had kind of the same problem with my parents. What you've got to remember is that you can't change the past - but you can change the future - you dont have to live in his shadow. Yes he was a compleate assh*ole - but the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that you will go on to live a happy life. The very fact that you havent used the word "hate" shows your kindness and depth of character. Never lose that - try and let go of the anger slowly as you move on with life - otherwise your time will be consumed thinking about him - and thats not really worth it is it?

PM me if you want to talk.

huggggssss

Wangers

Reply 13

aleathiel

16

and now, i treat him badly

you think that makes you the bigger person? well it doesnt

be careful what you say because one day your dad won't be there

if you feel that strongly against what he's been like over the years, then sit down and talk to him about it, you can't resolve things between you two by thinking badly of him for the rest of your life

Reply 14

Anarchy Everywhere

2

My dad is a major **** for reasons I have no intrest in sharing, he's given alot for me but he's also done alot of things wrong and I for that reason although i have no real love for him I also have no resentment although thinking about it, if he were to die tomorow I'd probably feel a bit sad but I would get over it reasonably quickly.

Reply 15

Princess_Peach

Anonymous

before my mums birthday, he told her he wanted a divorce.

She would do well to accept.

Reply 16

Wangers

16

just dont do anything you'll regret think - will I regret this - because its the worst feeling ever. And no matter what your temper is - do the RIGHT thing - not the EASY thing. You will almost always know what the RIGHT thing is - you just might not want to do it.

dad issues

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