A guy with a crappy personality

This guy I met (through a friend) has been very friendly towards me for the last couple of months and finally told me that he liked me a few weeks ago and asked me out. He was really sweet and kind so I decided to have a shot with him. We went to Pizza Hut and had a super time. Co-incidentally we both like drinking ice cream with staws.

Anyway, I thought he was very sweet and kind, especially because when he talks, he makes it very much sound like he is listening and taking an interest in what I am saying, but also giving his point of view without being aggressive when he disagrees, and making a lot of conversations light-hearted even when talking about serious matters. I really liked him and thought that I could see us go somewhere which was a good thing because it seemed as if we both wanted a serious relationship.

I thought that he was the perfect kind of person, intelligent, sweet, kind, gentle, thoughtful etc. and he even drove me to a cafe far away which I said once that I loved, because there were none of them in our area.

Unfortunately I saw a different side to him and started to question his respect for girls. A few weeks ago, he was with his friends in the common room chatting and I don't usually go there, but I had to meet someone to lend them my notes. I waited outside next to the door (but you can hear everything inside because of the bad quality wooden doors). His group of friends were unable to see me, but I could hear them. I don't like his loud "gangster" friends to be honest, so I didn't want to go in and say hi to him. The person who was meant to borrow my notes made me wait for 15 minutes :mad:

which gave me enough time to hear the conversation going on behind the door.
It went something like

guy's friend #1: she likes it all romantic, none of the dirty stuff, it's a shame man (laugh)
guy's friend #2: yeah you should have done Michelle innit?
guy's friend #1: serious? (laugh)
guy's friend #3: (laugh) I heard bare stuff about her.
The guy: (laugh) yeah man.
guy's friend #3 (to the guy): innit, she such a y'know. You could do everything, y'know what I'm sayin;....
The guy (to friend#1): yeah it's a shame they have to be like clueless, or as dirty as a ho. Just do both of them innit! (laugh)
friends: (laugh)
guy's friend #2: yeah not like she your wife.

Then I felt the need to throw up, so I just left. How could someone be like that? I feel as if he's so fake and by the sound of the conversation I don't think he's told any of his friends that we were seeing each other.

He has not called me since last week, but we have talked online, and I was still friendly with him, I didn't bring up the fact that I over heard his conversation. It would make me sound like a stalker-girlfriend and he would probably spread things about me to his friends, which I really do not want!

What should I do? When we went out it seemed as if we were in a perfect relationship, and I have no real reason to break up with him. I do not feel as if I can bring up the conversation I overheard because he wouldn't believe me as I never go to the common room and he would ask why I didn't say hi to him. I can't just say "I don't like your friends" because I feel as if that would upset him even more and the whole thing will be blown out of proportion.

What should I do? Any advice?

I'm going to eat some ice cream now. :frown:

Reply 20

Tyler Durden

17

There is just as much chance (if not more) that he is being "fake" with his friends. That whole OTT macho stuff is pretty typical of guys that sort of age (I'm assuming this is school/college). And because he has known these people for such a long time, it's quite hard to change. I think it's more likely that the "real" him is how he is with you; it's harder to fake the thoughtfulness of taking someone out somewhere you know they like even though it's out of the way than it is to fake a bit of macho banter. My advice would be to stick with him and see how things go but perhaps be a little bit cautious about what his genuine motives are. I expect that he'd be the kind of person who, post-college, will be a really sweet guy etc - but it might be hard for him to get out of the same cycle with his mates.

Reply 21

~Sukhi

OP

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

Some of the stuff I've heard girls say has been even worse!

What kind of stuff do they say? I'm kind of naive about these things because my friends are not really the loud type.

I'm trying to think of a way where I can find out if he really means the things he says, even though most people have suggested that he does not.

Reply 22

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

~Sukhi

What kind of stuff do they say? I'm kind of naive about these things because my friends are not really the loud type.

Tiny cock, crap in bed, good for a while until someone better comes along, etc.

Reply 23

~Sukhi

OP

englishstudent

There is just as much chance (if not more) that he is being "fake" with his friends. That whole OTT macho stuff is pretty typical of guys that sort of age (I'm assuming this is school/college). And because he has known these people for such a long time, it's quite hard to change. I think it's more likely that the "real" him is how he is with you; it's harder to fake the thoughtfulness of taking someone out somewhere you know they like even though it's out of the way than it is to fake a bit of macho banter. My advice would be to stick with him and see how things go but perhaps be a little bit cautious about what his genuine motives are. I expect that he'd be the kind of person who, post-college, will be a really sweet guy etc - but it might be hard for him to get out of the same cycle with his mates.

I am thinking of staying with him :smile:

I have thought it through, and initially I wanted to end it, purely on how I felt. However if this is only a thing guys go through when they're insecure, I am willing to give him "another chance" (as it were).

I guess the thing that bugs me most was the fact that (even if he didn't think I was present) he was being "fake" in the first place. Trying to act like something that he is not/ trying to impress people by putting on a "front" is very off putting :rolleyes:

Reply 24

~Sukhi

OP

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

Tiny cock, crap in bed, good for a while until someone better comes along, etc.

I can see how that can be upsetting. Hmm, and would you still date a girl who said those kind of things?

Reply 25

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

~Sukhi

I can see how that can be upsetting. Hmm, and would you still date a girl who said those kind of things?

Ummmm, well to be honest I would wonder why she was saying the first two, since I am positive they're not true, but I would certainly be dubious about dating someone who said she was waiting until someone better came along.

Then again, I suppose I would have to judge for myself based on what she was like when she was with me. I think it's pretty easy to tell if someone is with you for you or if they're with you for another reason. Most of the time, anyway.

Everybody puts on false bravado sometimes.

Reply 26

~Sukhi

OP

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

Ummmm, well to be honest I would wonder why she was saying the first two, since I am positive they're not true, but I would certainly be dubious about dating someone who said she was waiting until someone better came along.

Then again, I suppose I would have to judge for myself based on what she was like when she was with me. I think it's pretty easy to tell if someone is with you for you or if they're with you for another reason. Most of the time, anyway.

Everybody puts on false bravado sometimes.

I am confident to say that he is with me for me, and not for sex. The only thing I worry about is his beliefs about girls and where they should stand in relationship to boys.

It is a bit like being race X, and having a race Y boyfriend, who talks about race Xs being "idiots" in a joking way. It would make the race X person feel uncomfortable, and even though people might say that race Y boy is only joking and doesn't mean it, race X girl will still question what kind of views race Y holds about people of different races, and this would affect their relationship. How would you feel if you were "race X", the (supposedly) "idiot race"? If you overheard your boyfriend saying that kind of thing without you present, I'm sure a lot of people would not be totally fine with it.

The problem is that it's not that far into the relationship (this thing has been going on for about 2 and a half months) so it is hard to tell what his humour is completely like.

So yeah, it is not like I feel that he will use me and cheat, it is his personal views that concern me more.

I hope I've explained that ok :s:

Reply 27

40550

2

He could just be putting on a front for his mates innit. i used to be like that.

go back in to the relationship, get things as they were, and you'll be alert to him only wanting back seat action

then if he tries to make a move and invites you back to his home to listen to some of his 'poetry', wave a finger in the air and say "don't even go there - i know the game"

Reply 28

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

~Sukhi

It is a bit like being race X, and having a race Y boyfriend, who talks about race Xs being "idiots" in a joking way. It would make the race X person feel uncomfortable, and even though people might say that race Y boy is only joking and doesn't mean it, race X girl will still question what kind of views race Y holds about people of different races, and this would affect their relationship. How would you feel if you were "race X", the (supposedly) "idiot race"? If you overheard your boyfriend saying that kind of thing without you present, I'm sure a lot of people would not be totally fine with it.

I think joking about races is different to joking about sex. Most blokes make women belong in the kitchen jokes, and most women make blokes have no brains jokes.

It's just playful ribbing, not genuine patronisation.

Reply 29

Ywiss

15

I can see why this worries you :frown:

But I don't think you have to think about it for a moment longer - it's just part of the differences between male and female conversation. Lots of linguists have found that conversation between male friends is very different from conversation between males and females; often the subjects brought up at a totally male conversation would not be appropriate when a male is talking to a female, and vice versa for females.

Male conversations are often a lot like that; it doesn't mean that he's "two-faced" or "fake" - it just means that he acts one way with his male friends and another way with you. Everyone does it - think about the way you act with your friends and the way you act with your teachers - it's totally different because you adjust to the people you're speaking to.

So try not to worry about it - he does sound like a nice guy even if his friends are a bit strange!
xxx

Reply 30

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

Ywiss

But I don't think you have to think about it for a moment longer - it's just part of the differences between male and female conversation. Lots of linguists have found that conversation between male friends is very different from conversation between males and females; often the subjects brought up at a totally male conversation would not be appropriate when a male is talking to a female, and vice versa for females.

See Lakoff for more details.

Reply 31

Ywiss

15

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

See Lakoff for more details.

Yep! And Tannen :biggrin:

Reply 32

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

Tannen's work cracks me up because of how true it is!

Reply 33

~Sukhi

OP

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

I think joking about races is different to joking about sex. Most blokes make women belong in the kitchen jokes, and most women make blokes have no brains jokes.

It's just playful ribbing, not genuine patronisation.

I don't know why, but I find sexist jokes pretty offensive, maybe even more so than a guy would find a sexist joke. Also, I have noticed a lot of girls being more touchy on the subject of sexism than guys and to be honest I have heard more jokes about girls being "dumb" (especially blondes) than men being dumb (since guys can counteract the point with "the world's greatest scientists/philosophers/artists were men" etc.) Maybe I need to lighten up, I don't know :rolleyes:

I see race and sex as similar in terms of offensive comments. Being a female (deemed inferior race by some) and in an ethnic minority, these two combined, I feel that a sexist comment is no more light-hearted than a racist comment.

Of course it depends on the tone of the joke aswell, but in my particular situation, it isn't that kind of joke. Quote: "clueless, or as dirty as a ho" ...
This sounds more like a general despising of women rather than playful joking.

Reply 34

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

5

I guess you have to think of it in practical terms. I mean, racism is still a problem, and quite often you encounter people who are genuinely racist, but I don't know anybody who seriously looks upon women as inferior.

Reply 35

~Sukhi

OP

Thank you for the replies. I will think about it. :smile:

Reply 36

Wangers

16

Give it another go - us guys (although we may hate to admit it) do say stuff to go along with the crowd - think about it - if he just wanted you for sex he would have tried to move alot quicker,

Good luck

Wangers :biggrin:

Reply 37

naivesincerity

2

He sounds like a chav who tries to act black :rolleyes:

Reply 38

Ywiss

15

Eblis_O'_Shaughnessy

Tannen's work cracks me up because of how true it is!

Reply 39

jess_n

Personally... iv known people like it b4.... u put 1 person in a place with 1 type of people then take them out and put them in another situation they act differently again...... female its different... coz we dont tend to take the piss outta each other as much as males do....some males do it to look good and get one above their mate, its like u wudnt catch a guy talkin about really really likin this lass.... u get him tlkin about how he wants to have sex with that lass... if u get me...

I dont think he means owt by it , itll just be the way his friendship group is... id just stick with it coz if ure questionin and havent said rite stop i dont wanna b with u wen it made u feel that bad then u obviously must like him.....

If it keeps botherin u say summat if , if he flips and refuses to explain maybe then u should be questionin whether u wanan b with him or not

GOOD LUCK ... he seem like a nice guy to me ..just one that tryin to be one of the lads wen hes with the lads.

x

A guy with a crappy personality

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