Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Breaking up with boyfriend when he relies on me so much Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hello!

    In the last few months I've realised that things just aren't working out between my boyfriend of 1.5 years and me. I think I've fallen out of love with him and I just don't see a future with him sadly.

    I know I have to break up with him soon, but the problem is that I'm so worried about how he'll cope. He relies on me so much and that's one reason why I want to break up because I often feel like his mum rather than his partner. He isn't the most independent of people and I have to remind him to do things (e.g. appointments he's forgotten he has or to do his washing...etc).
    He was really shy when we met and didn't have many friends at all, but in the last 1.5 years he's met all my friends and we all go out together. When we break up he'll lose his social life as I doubt he'll continue meeting up with my mates and he doesn't have many of his own to hang out with.

    I care for him so much, but I'm really worried how he would cope by himself again. I don't mean to make myself sound like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but you won't believe how much I help him out - it's exhausting and I feel drained. I don't feel like it's a partnership at all - I feel like I'm looking after him.

    We live together and I pay all the rent as he doesn't have a job. He is looking and has been to many interviews, but sometimes I feel he could look a bit harder, but doesn't as he knows I'll cover the rent. This is why I can't break up with him now as he won't be able to afford the flat himself (if I were to move out and he stay). But I don't know how longer I can keep acting like everything's ok.

    He keeps mentioning new things we could get for the flat and I try and change the subject as I know we soon won't be living together and it makes no sense for us to be getting new furniture. We had a talk about 2 months ago and almost ended up breaking up, but decided to give it another go. Since then it's got worse for me, but he seems to think everything's fine even though I'm being distant with him and can't bring myself to show much affection to him and we haven't had sex for weeks!
    I even find myself planning to meet up with friends more so that I can spend less time with him so he doesn't bring up more flat ideas or future plans. I know this isn't normal

    He's not had the best of lives and recently told me he's so glad he has me as everyone he knows leaves him at some point. This killed me Also if we break up, his family don't live in the same country and as he doesn't have many friends here I don't know what he'll do or who he could talk to. I feel sick every time I think about breaking up with him because it was destroy him. He really thinks I'm the one and would do ANYTHING for me. But surely I can't be the one for him if the feeling isn't mutual?

    I would love to stay in touch with him and help him out, but he doesn't believe in staying friends with exs so I think he would cut contact completely and I can't imagine never seeing him again

    I just don't know how to end it without badly hurting him. I know it's not fair on either of us to stay together when one of us doesn't see it working out, but I know I can't end it just yet as him being unemployed will depress him even more and he won't be able to cope financially on his own.

    Sorry for the long rambling post. Does anyone maybe have any advice or has been in the same situation?

    Thanks.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    This sounds like a really hard situation but it sounds like you're being very honest with yourself, which is definitely positive! If you're absolutely sure there isn't a way to communicate to him his shortcomings and for the relationship to rebuild, then you're right about only having one choice.

    The bad news is that there probably isn't a way to do this without hurting him. Usually I'd recommend trying to get it over with quickly, but since the situation is quite complex it might be a case of having to live together on the understanding that you're looking to be apart soon.

    At some point, you're probably going to have to have a conversation where you tell him that you want the relationship to end, but in the most practical, controlled way possible. It could be worth working together to work out a plan to find separate places, including some sort of budget, a timeline, and so on. Living together while separated would be difficult for sure, someone may have to sleep on the couch for a while, and you would both probably have to agree to not see anyone else or do anything to exacerbate the situation until you've gone separate ways.


    I don't know if any of these are helpful thoughts, but I wish you the best of luck and hope you can both find your happiness.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello!

    In the last few months I've realised that things just aren't working out between my boyfriend of 1.5 years and me. I think I've fallen out of love with him and I just don't see a future with him sadly.

    I know I have to break up with him soon, but the problem is that I'm so worried about how he'll cope. He relies on me so much and that's one reason why I want to break up because I often feel like his mum rather than his partner. He isn't the most independent of people and I have to remind him to do things (e.g. appointments he's forgotten he has or to do his washing...etc).
    He was really shy when we met and didn't have many friends at all, but in the last 1.5 years he's met all my friends and we all go out together. When we break up he'll lose his social life as I doubt he'll continue meeting up with my mates and he doesn't have many of his own to hang out with.

    I care for him so much, but I'm really worried how he would cope by himself again. I don't mean to make myself sound like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but you won't believe how much I help him out - it's exhausting and I feel drained. I don't feel like it's a partnership at all - I feel like I'm looking after him.

    We live together and I pay all the rent as he doesn't have a job. He is looking and has been to many interviews, but sometimes I feel he could look a bit harder, but doesn't as he knows I'll cover the rent. This is why I can't break up with him now as he won't be able to afford the flat himself (if I were to move out and he stay). But I don't know how longer I can keep acting like everything's ok.

    He keeps mentioning new things we could get for the flat and I try and change the subject as I know we soon won't be living together and it makes no sense for us to be getting new furniture. We had a talk about 2 months ago and almost ended up breaking up, but decided to give it another go. Since then it's got worse for me, but he seems to think everything's fine even though I'm being distant with him and can't bring myself to show much affection to him and we haven't had sex for weeks!
    I even find myself planning to meet up with friends more so that I can spend less time with him so he doesn't bring up more flat ideas or future plans. I know this isn't normal

    He's not had the best of lives and recently told me he's so glad he has me as everyone he knows leaves him at some point. This killed me Also if we break up, his family don't live in the same country and as he doesn't have many friends here I don't know what he'll do or who he could talk to. I feel sick every time I think about breaking up with him because it was destroy him. He really thinks I'm the one and would do ANYTHING for me. But surely I can't be the one for him if the feeling isn't mutual?

    I would love to stay in touch with him and help him out, but he doesn't believe in staying friends with exs so I think he would cut contact completely and I can't imagine never seeing him again

    I just don't know how to end it without badly hurting him. I know it's not fair on either of us to stay together when one of us doesn't see it working out, but I know I can't end it just yet as him being unemployed will depress him even more and he won't be able to cope financially on his own.

    Sorry for the long rambling post. Does anyone maybe have any advice or has been in the same situation?

    Thanks.
    I have a question for you- why did you fall in love in the first place? It might seem like a silly question, but think about it. Usually, USUALLY, like 99.5% of the time, my answer would be- Talk to him about your concerns, then, if things don't improve after a couple more weeks, break up, your life, your choice. No hard feelings, but it honestly sounds like you are the best thing that has ever happened in this guys life...Can I ask you, why don't you like him anymore. Ask yourself, are conversations with him good? Is he funny? Does he legitimately care for you? Does he really love you, or is he just afraid he will have no one else? Heck, does he even love you, or is he there because he has no one else. Ask yourself all these questions. By all means, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT torture yourself. If you can't take the relationship anymore, leave, just leave. Tell him you're out, and that's done. But I suggest taking a different line... Seeing the quite unique circumstances in your case, I think you should first ask yourself the questions I presented beforehand- does he love you, or is he afraid to be alone? Do you love him, why did you get together? Is he fun to be around (this is a big one), interesting, original? If he is, maybe put off breaking up for a couple more weeks, but tell him about your concerns. Just peacefully, over dinner. You have to- it will be better for both of you if you talk the talk first. Also, what country is he from? Lastly, I know a few good books you could give him as a parting present- these would really help him with his life. First of all, "Yes, man" is a very good book that will not doubt help him improve his social, hobby, and etc. lives. Trust me. "The Little Book of Thinking Big" is also great. And, of course, if you don't love him, and can't take it anymore, break up by all means. DO NOT STAY WITH HIM IF YOU DON'T WANT TO! Enjoy life! But, but all means, please don't kill the guy when you break up! Those books will really help him btw. And, when he brings up future plans, tell him you don't want to talk about them because you are thinking of moving out, and breaking up. Then you can start "The Talk".
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    This is a difficult one. From the sounds of it, you've tried your best to make things work. Plenty of people would not have tolerated as much as you've already tolerated. It's not your problem that he's made himself dependent on you, it's his. Yes it will be hard, but break it to him gently, explain your reasons and stick to them, don't let him try to talk you round saying he's going to change- he probably won't if he's been like this for so long. If you already know you don't have a future, any more time spent with him is wasted and could have been spent on yourself or with a partner who will understand that a relationship is a 2-way street. Time to move on.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks so much for your replies, everyone - it's nice to know people care

    I do believe I fell in love with him as he is so caring and he's probably the first person I've ever been able to properly trust. I was in a crappy relationship before so I guess anyone that treated me nicely was a breath of fresh air for me and maybe it made him seem better than he was.
    I know this sounds silly, but I think both of us feel quite pressured to find 'the one' and get married, have kids...etc. as that's what all our friends are doing and we're not getting any younger at 30. (I do realise this is ridiculous as everyone matures at different times and life isn't some sort of race).
    I do believe he might be with me for fear of being alone as his family aren't nearby. I feel anyone else wouldn't put up with me as much as he does (i.e. not having sex for months). Most guys would've run a mile, but I think he believes he won't find anyone else so maybe he's just 'putting up' with me - you could be right!

    I would love more than anything for us to work out, but I think deep down it's not going to. Since we moved in together 6 months ago I've got to know him more and couldn't imagine us living like this for the rest of our lives. I don't feel protected by him (if anything I protect HIM) and even though I'm not that old fashioned about men having to bring home the bacon, but it would be nice if he earned SOMETHING and maybe treated me to a meal now and then as I've paid for so many of his, sigh

    He sits in front of the laptop all day and barely goes out. It's only when I suggest something that we'll do something. I've realised that he is quite a boring person and I couldn't deal with this for forever

    I sometimes daydream about a new relationship I could be in and that's how I know it's over. I would never ever cheat on him but I do wonder what it would be like with someone else. I asked my mum to be honest and she said she didn't think we were meant for each other after seeing how we interacted with each other at Christmas when we visited.

    I just don't want to stop him from meeting the right person for him. While he's with me, he'll never meet her, but at the same time we can't just break up like that as we live together, but I do believe a timelimit is needed as you say.
    The best thing that could happen is for him to tell me he's met someone (who wishes for their boyfriend to meet someone?!) so that we could break up and I'd know he'd moved on and was doing ok.

    Sorry for this, I guess I'm just thinking out loud :/
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks so much for your replies, everyone - it's nice to know people care

    I do believe I fell in love with him as he is so caring and he's probably the first person I've ever been able to properly trust. I was in a crappy relationship before so I guess anyone that treated me nicely was a breath of fresh air for me and maybe it made him seem better than he was.
    I know this sounds silly, but I think both of us feel quite pressured to find 'the one' and get married, have kids...etc. as that's what all our friends are doing and we're not getting any younger at 30. (I do realise this is ridiculous as everyone matures at different times and life isn't some sort of race).
    I do believe he might be with me for fear of being alone as his family aren't nearby. I feel anyone else wouldn't put up with me as much as he does (i.e. not having sex for months). Most guys would've run a mile, but I think he believes he won't find anyone else so maybe he's just 'putting up' with me - you could be right!

    I would love more than anything for us to work out, but I think deep down it's not going to. Since we moved in together 6 months ago I've got to know him more and couldn't imagine us living like this for the rest of our lives. I don't feel protected by him (if anything I protect HIM) and even though I'm not that old fashioned about men having to bring home the bacon, but it would be nice if he earned SOMETHING and maybe treated me to a meal now and then as I've paid for so many of his, sigh

    He sits in front of the laptop all day and barely goes out. It's only when I suggest something that we'll do something. I've realised that he is quite a boring person and I couldn't deal with this for forever

    I sometimes daydream about a new relationship I could be in and that's how I know it's over. I would never ever cheat on him but I do wonder what it would be like with someone else. I asked my mum to be honest and she said she didn't think we were meant for each other after seeing how we interacted with each other at Christmas when we visited.

    I just don't want to stop him from meeting the right person for him. While he's with me, he'll never meet her, but at the same time we can't just break up like that as we live together, but I do believe a timelimit is needed as you say.
    The best thing that could happen is for him to tell me he's met someone (who wishes for their boyfriend to meet someone?!) so that we could break up and I'd know he'd moved on and was doing ok.

    Sorry for this, I guess I'm just thinking out loud :/
    Wow i feel sorry for you.
    You're such a nice person though, need more women like you.
    Is he a university graduate, what did he study?
    You mentioned that he has proceeded with many interviews, how did they all turn out?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Wow. I read this and had to check the username because I could have wrote it quite literally. It's so horrible to be in that situation I feel so trapped . Hugs xxx

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    i think it's best that he's forced to be an independent man and not a bloody baby. break it off but dont be a ***** about it.

    itll be a blessing for him in the long run

    it'll feel like **** but it's his fault ultimately, not urs.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello!

    In the last few months I've realised that things just aren't working out between my boyfriend of 1.5 years and me. I think I've fallen out of love with him and I just don't see a future with him sadly.

    I know I have to break up with him soon, but the problem is that I'm so worried about how he'll cope. He relies on me so much and that's one reason why I want to break up because I often feel like his mum rather than his partner. He isn't the most independent of people and I have to remind him to do things (e.g. appointments he's forgotten he has or to do his washing...etc).
    He was really shy when we met and didn't have many friends at all, but in the last 1.5 years he's met all my friends and we all go out together. When we break up he'll lose his social life as I doubt he'll continue meeting up with my mates and he doesn't have many of his own to hang out with.

    I care for him so much, but I'm really worried how he would cope by himself again. I don't mean to make myself sound like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but you won't believe how much I help him out - it's exhausting and I feel drained. I don't feel like it's a partnership at all - I feel like I'm looking after him.

    We live together and I pay all the rent as he doesn't have a job. He is looking and has been to many interviews, but sometimes I feel he could look a bit harder, but doesn't as he knows I'll cover the rent. This is why I can't break up with him now as he won't be able to afford the flat himself (if I were to move out and he stay). But I don't know how longer I can keep acting like everything's ok.

    He keeps mentioning new things we could get for the flat and I try and change the subject as I know we soon won't be living together and it makes no sense for us to be getting new furniture. We had a talk about 2 months ago and almost ended up breaking up, but decided to give it another go. Since then it's got worse for me, but he seems to think everything's fine even though I'm being distant with him and can't bring myself to show much affection to him and we haven't had sex for weeks!
    I even find myself planning to meet up with friends more so that I can spend less time with him so he doesn't bring up more flat ideas or future plans. I know this isn't normal

    He's not had the best of lives and recently told me he's so glad he has me as everyone he knows leaves him at some point. This killed me Also if we break up, his family don't live in the same country and as he doesn't have many friends here I don't know what he'll do or who he could talk to. I feel sick every time I think about breaking up with him because it was destroy him. He really thinks I'm the one and would do ANYTHING for me. But surely I can't be the one for him if the feeling isn't mutual?

    I would love to stay in touch with him and help him out, but he doesn't believe in staying friends with exs so I think he would cut contact completely and I can't imagine never seeing him again

    I just don't know how to end it without badly hurting him. I know it's not fair on either of us to stay together when one of us doesn't see it working out, but I know I can't end it just yet as him being unemployed will depress him even more and he won't be able to cope financially on his own.

    Sorry for the long rambling post. Does anyone maybe have any advice or has been in the same situation?

    Thanks.
    Been in a very similar position to you. I think the solution to this is to think in the long-term. Realistically, you can't continue to baby him, and he can't continue to rely so completely on you. In changing this, he's going to get hurt - I think that's a given you need to accept.

    What you can do is minimise how much that hurts. Break it off before it gets worse, and ensure that he has to learn to cope by himself. If you're not in love with him, and you feel the way you do, by prolonging this relationship, it will only get worse; you will need to break up inevitably, for both of your sakes. As a result, it's best to do it sooner than later. In the long-run, it'll be best for both of you.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Your a kind woman but as you no longer desire him as a mate and dependency is weakness, you should dump him quickly. He'll be a better person if he learns his lesson.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    I'm sorry you are in this situation. To be honest I lost even more sympathy for him when you said he was trying to talk to you about getting more things for the flat...is this guy having a laugh? Who does he expect to pay for that?

    If you are not happy you need to break up with him, if it means he will have to find a way to pay for the flat himself then so be it. He (and you actually) should never have gone into this situation in the first place with one person paying ALL of the damn rent. Fair enough if he was made redundant and this was a somewhat temporary thing but this guys taking you for a ride.

    If you are just staying with him because you can't 'imagine the thought of never seeing him again' you need to sort re-evaluate your thought process. You don't want to break up and then have him break contact because you would feel bad etc etc. But what are you going to do? Stay with him just for the sake of it? You sound like you are desperately clinging on to nothing.

    Also..sits on his laptop all day? Doing what? looking for jobs for some of that time I hope?

    Run, run fast as you can.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Are you legally allowed to make him homeless when he's jobless?
    • TSR Support Team
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    Very Important Poster
    It's unfair on both of you for you to keep on babying him. Sooner or later he is going to have to become more independent.

    You have to do what is right for you.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Don't put your life on hold for someone else.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    The fact that somebody is overly dependent on you is obviously not a good basis for a relationship.


    If you let his neediness and dependence stop you breaking up for him, then you're basically saying that he is not capable of living without you. How sad is that? And also unlikely. He will survive. He will be okay.

    You have to do what's right for you sometimes. This is one of those times.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    Too much to read, going on the information from the title and a very brief scim read.

    If you have no future together, leave him.
    He's having a hard time? He would be having the same hard time if you were or were not there so just because you are does not mean you need to take part responsibility for it.

    He's a man, he should be driven and ambitious and not in the situation he is in. Perhaps leaving him may help spur him to making it work for himself as "only when we reach the precipice do we change".

    Stop being lead blindly by your emotions and make the rational decision.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    I know where you're coming from but why should you be paying ALL the rent? It seems very unfair! Tell him to get off his laptop and get a job! That would be a start. Then, he will be able to support himself if you do decide to break up. He sounds too dependent on you and you should not be feeling trapped, it's unhealthy.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks so much for your replies, everyone - it's nice to know people care

    I do believe I fell in love with him as he is so caring and he's probably the first person I've ever been able to properly trust. I was in a crappy relationship before so I guess anyone that treated me nicely was a breath of fresh air for me and maybe it made him seem better than he was.
    I know this sounds silly, but I think both of us feel quite pressured to find 'the one' and get married, have kids...etc. as that's what all our friends are doing and we're not getting any younger at 30. (I do realise this is ridiculous as everyone matures at different times and life isn't some sort of race).
    I do believe he might be with me for fear of being alone as his family aren't nearby. I feel anyone else wouldn't put up with me as much as he does (i.e. not having sex for months). Most guys would've run a mile, but I think he believes he won't find anyone else so maybe he's just 'putting up' with me - you could be right!

    I would love more than anything for us to work out, but I think deep down it's not going to. Since we moved in together 6 months ago I've got to know him more and couldn't imagine us living like this for the rest of our lives. I don't feel protected by him (if anything I protect HIM) and even though I'm not that old fashioned about men having to bring home the bacon, but it would be nice if he earned SOMETHING and maybe treated me to a meal now and then as I've paid for so many of his, sigh

    He sits in front of the laptop all day and barely goes out. It's only when I suggest something that we'll do something. I've realised that he is quite a boring person and I couldn't deal with this for forever

    I sometimes daydream about a new relationship I could be in and that's how I know it's over. I would never ever cheat on him but I do wonder what it would be like with someone else. I asked my mum to be honest and she said she didn't think we were meant for each other after seeing how we interacted with each other at Christmas when we visited.

    I just don't want to stop him from meeting the right person for him. While he's with me, he'll never meet her, but at the same time we can't just break up like that as we live together, but I do believe a timelimit is needed as you say.
    The best thing that could happen is for him to tell me he's met someone (who wishes for their boyfriend to meet someone?!) so that we could break up and I'd know he'd moved on and was doing ok.

    Sorry for this, I guess I'm just thinking out loud :/
    Ahahaha! Sits in front of his computer and does nothing? Hmm...Where have I seen this before? The lad needs a shake-up. A break-up might do him well after all. NOTHING will change if things stay as they are. It seems that a part of the problem lies in the guy being a boring scrub, having no life, no work, no friends except yours, and him being a "No Man"... With an interesting person, at least, love can always be re-ignited, but in their current shape? Naah. Like I said before, talk to him NOW, not tomorrow (unless some serious **** happens today, i.e. you get burgled or something), and say that, if things remain as they are, you're leaving. I say two weeks tops should be enough. Also, its interesting how he talks about "new furniture" for YOUR money! Hahahah! My mom threw me out at 16! The guy doesn't know what life is! It's so easy to talk about someone buying things for you for their own money. He hasn't found a job? How long has he been looking? Clearly, he's not looking hard enough. When my mom told me to move out at 16, you can't believe how quickly I found a job. Rough times lol. Also, you take him to dinner? Which you pay for? Alright, does he show his love in any way? Maybe he makes you handicrafts? Or collects flowers in the fields? Or, being at the computer, maybe makes something to do with that (I don't know what, an animation lol?) Also, he doesn't need money to take you out. I've taken girls out to "walks in the park," which has actually become my favourite place to take girls out on dates...To cut things short, he doesn't need money to take you on dates, or show his love. Sorry to say this, but, even if he does love you, he simply just isn't showing it. He is taking you for granted. I've got to say, he's a crafty fellow. He gets free food, free housing, free utilities...that's a dream for some people. Why should he go to work when he can have it all for free? He is putting no effort into the relationship, is a boring guy, and has it all for free? Well, I've got to say, that's one heck of a one sided relationship. Heck, I could almost say this is a form of abuse (which it really isn't, but an argument could be made). If he was an interesting guy, things would be 100% different, worth it even maybe, but guess what? From what I gather, he's not.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by iAmanze)
    Too much to read, going on the information from the title and a very brief scim read.

    If you have no future together, leave him.
    He's having a hard time? He would be having the same hard time if you were or were not there so just because you are does not mean you need to take part responsibility for it.

    He's a man, he should be driven and ambitious and not in the situation he is in. Perhaps leaving him may help spur him to making it work for himself as "only when we reach the precipice do we change".

    Stop being lead blindly by your emotions and make the rational decisio n.
    She's said she doesn't love him anymore. What emotions? She just doesn't want to kill the bloke.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by DerMann)
    She's said she doesn't love him anymore. What emotions? She just doesn't want to kill the bloke.
    The emotions linked to not wanting to hurt him in his 'fragile state/times'
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: December 20, 2015
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.