Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Relationship advice needed Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Girls and guys, I need some advice on what to do.

    So ive been with this guy for 3 years, I'm 19 and he's 22. The relationship has had its ups and downs like any relationship does. No matter what however, we always made eachother happy in the end and we always look out for eachother and support eachother through every aspect of life. I really couldn't have survived my first semester of uni without him.

    But anyway, to the point. About 2 weeks ago I found out he lied to me. Around a year ago I found a dating profile which had all of his details and up to date photos of him on it. I confronted him at the time however he said it didn't belong to him, his crazy ex must have made it to cause problems (we've had a few issues with her). Something didn't add up with it but I let it go, gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted him. But 2 weeks ago I found out he had been contacted by a girl I know on the dating profile and it was definitley him who replied on it. So I confronted him once again, this time he told me the truth. That he had made it on an app out of boredom with no intention of really using it and that he had forgotten about it until he looked at his old email and seen emails about messages on it and replied thinking it was me trying to catch him out (that turned into a whole other argument). He apologised and deleted the profile.

    However now I feel that I can't trust him and I'm not sure I really believe his explanation. As it doesn't explain why he lied to me about it in the first place. It was also made while we've been together.

    Im honestly at a loss on what to do. He's been my constant companion and best friend that last 3 years as well as my boyfriend, he's the one i always turn to. But now I feel that that's all in shatters.

    I guess im just looking for some advice on what to do. And if anyone has been in a similar situation or what you would do if you were.

    Sorry the post is so long
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    anyone ?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    I think you should give him a chance tbh.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Girls and guys, I need some advice on what to do.

    So ive been with this guy for 3 years, I'm 19 and he's 22. The relationship has had its ups and downs like any relationship does. No matter what however, we always made eachother happy in the end and we always look out for eachother and support eachother through every aspect of life. I really couldn't have survived my first semester of uni without him.

    But anyway, to the point. About 2 weeks ago I found out he lied to me. Around a year ago I found a dating profile which had all of his details and up to date photos of him on it. I confronted him at the time however he said it didn't belong to him, his crazy ex must have made it to cause problems (we've had a few issues with her). Something didn't add up with it but I let it go, gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted him. But 2 weeks ago I found out he had been contacted by a girl I know on the dating profile and it was definitley him who replied on it. So I confronted him once again, this time he told me the truth. That he had made it on an app out of boredom with no intention of really using it and that he had forgotten about it until he looked at his old email and seen emails about messages on it and replied thinking it was me trying to catch him out (that turned into a whole other argument). He apologised and deleted the profile.

    However now I feel that I can't trust him and I'm not sure I really believe his explanation. As it doesn't explain why he lied to me about it in the first place. It was also made while we've been together.

    Im honestly at a loss on what to do. He's been my constant companion and best friend that last 3 years as well as my boyfriend, he's the one i always turn to. But now I feel that that's all in shatters.

    I guess im just looking for some advice on what to do. And if anyone has been in a similar situation or what you would do if you were.

    Sorry the post is so long
    Ahh that is a tough one, I guess the main question would be why did he lie in the first place? Just go with your gut instinct, 3 years is a long time, just make sure you know everything before you make a decision!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr.Econometrics)
    I think you should give him a chance tbh.
    Reasoning?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Erinnnidhuibh)
    Ahh that is a tough one, I guess the main question would be why did he lie in the first place? Just go with your gut instinct, 3 years is a long time, just make sure you know everything before you make a decision!

    His explanation was that he didn't lie, he didn't know he had access to it and forgot he made it. But surely seeing it when I sent the link the first time would have refreshed his memory to the fact he made it :/

    or maybe I'm over analysing it
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Girls and guys, I need some advice on what to do.

    So ive been with this guy for 3 years, I'm 19 and he's 22. The relationship has had its ups and downs like any relationship does. No matter what however, we always made eachother happy in the end and we always look out for eachother and support eachother through every aspect of life. I really couldn't have survived my first semester of uni without him.

    But anyway, to the point. About 2 weeks ago I found out he lied to me. Around a year ago I found a dating profile which had all of his details and up to date photos of him on it. I confronted him at the time however he said it didn't belong to him, his crazy ex must have made it to cause problems (we've had a few issues with her). Something didn't add up with it but I let it go, gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted him. But 2 weeks ago I found out he had been contacted by a girl I know on the dating profile and it was definitley him who replied on it. So I confronted him once again, this time he told me the truth. That he had made it on an app out of boredom with no intention of really using it and that he had forgotten about it until he looked at his old email and seen emails about messages on it and replied thinking it was me trying to catch him out (that turned into a whole other argument). He apologised and deleted the profile.

    However now I feel that I can't trust him and I'm not sure I really believe his explanation. As it doesn't explain why he lied to me about it in the first place. It was also made while we've been together.

    Im honestly at a loss on what to do. He's been my constant companion and best friend that last 3 years as well as my boyfriend, he's the one i always turn to. But now I feel that that's all in shatters.

    I guess im just looking for some advice on what to do. And if anyone has been in a similar situation or what you would do if you were.

    Sorry the post is so long
    I can't be the only one thinking this is nonsense. Why would he create an app on a dating website - out of boredom - whilst in a committed relationship? Even if his intentions were as he says they were (at best, ridiculous), he should've considered how you would *feel* finding this. His story is outlandish, and it sounds like he's taking you for a fool. To try and turn it on you, also, is just astonishing.

    As to what to do: he lied - get rid. I can't honestly paint his actions as defensible. They're very odd, and he sounds like he's not ready or emotionally stable enough for a committed relationship. I realise that you've been together for three years, but you need to think of this as an investment decision. You can't decide whether or not you're going to invest more time into this relationship based on the fact that you've already invested three years - that's irrational. If he's taking you for a fool, get out of there before he makes things any worse.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    I can't be the only one thinking this is nonsense. Why would he create an app on a dating website - out of boredom - whilst in a committed relationship? Even if his intentions were as he says they were (at best, ridiculous), he should've considered how you would *feel* finding this. His story is outlandish, and it sounds like he's taking you for a fool. To try and turn it on you, also, is just astonishing.

    As to what to do: he lied - get rid. I can't honestly paint his actions as defensible. They're very odd, and he sounds like he's not ready or emotionally stable enough for a committed relationship. I realise that you've been together for three years, but you need to think of this as an investment decision. You can't decide whether or not you're going to invest more time into this relationship based on the fact that you've already invested three years - that's irrational. If he's taking you for a fool, get out of there before he makes things any worse.
    The thing that has me stuck isn't the length of time. Its that he seemed so apologetic about it, and somewhat genuine. He even cried a little when I mentioned about ending the relationship because it's not right staying in a relationship where there is no trust.
    But then on the other hand, I'm thinking, if what he said was his intention (boredom etc) then why did he lie the first time and why not just delete the profile in the first place. I mean it just doesn't seem logical
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The thing that has me stuck isn't the length of time. Its that he seemed so apologetic about it, and somewhat genuine. He even cried a little when I mentioned about ending the relationship because it's not right staying in a relationship where there is no trust.
    But then on the other hand, I'm thinking, if what he said was his intention (boredom etc) then why did he lie the first time and why not just delete the profile in the first place. I mean it just doesn't seem logical
    In response to your first point: if he were sincere in being apologetic about it, how would that make you feel?

    Second point: I can't find any logic in there either. He had no reason to lie if it was 'boredom' and/or he was trying to catch you out. What this leads me to think is whether he could actually be sincere in his apology if he hasn't even told you the whole truth yet. If you think he was 'somewhat genuine' and his actions thus far have been so questionable, well, I'd have serious reservations.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    In response to your first point: if he were sincere in being apologetic about it, how would that make you feel?

    Second point: I can't find any logic in there either. He had no reason to lie if it was 'boredom' and/or he was trying to catch you out. What this leads me to think is whether he could actually be sincere in his apology if he hasn't even told you the whole truth yet. If you think he was 'somewhat genuine' and his actions thus far have been so questionable, well, I'd have serious reservations.
    If he was being sincere in apologising, I'd forgive him and be relieved. However, I wouldn't be able to forget it so trust would be a huge issue for a while as of all the things he could have done in boredom, it's pretty stupid to download a dating app never mind set up a profile on it also.

    I feel like there's something he isn't telling me, I don't know if its because I know he's lied and I'm just doubting everything he's ever said or if its just a gut feeling.

    I'd like to be able to look through his phone and social media to see if I can find anything that would be of a similar nature, if you get what I mean. But I really don't want to be THAT person
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    If he was being sincere in apologising, I'd forgive him and be relieved. However, I wouldn't be able to forget it so trust would be a huge issue for a while as of all the things he could have done in boredom, it's pretty stupid to download a dating app never mind set up a profile on it also.

    I feel like there's something he isn't telling me, I don't know if its because I know he's lied and I'm just doubting everything he's ever said or if its just a gut feeling.

    I'd like to be able to look through his phone and social media to see if I can find anything that would be of a similar nature, if you get what I mean. But I really don't want to be THAT person
    Forgiveness is technically just letting go of the desire for revenge. In that sense, yes, trust would be a whole other thing. I think that's something you have to take into consideration - sincere apology or not, can he be trusted? All relationships hinge on trust.

    I feel like there's something he isn't telling you too. Things don't add up. You shouldn't *have* to look through his social media, etc. (and obviously it's not advisable - don't do it), but he's put you in a position where you feel like you have to in order to maintain a sense of security. That's incredibly telling.

    Try and get to the bottom of this factually. His story doesn't add up. If he starts to tell you the truth, well there's leeway for restoring things; a possibility. If he doesn't change his story, you're left with what you have, which seems like nonsense and lies. I'd decide what to do dependent on what he does.

    If he continues with his current story, he isn't worth your time. It just doesn't add up.

    If he changes his story, hear him out. Don't be any more inclined than you presently are to fix things, but hear him out.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    Forgiveness is technically just letting go of the desire for revenge. In that sense, yes, trust would be a whole other thing. I think that's something you have to take into consideration - sincere apology or not, can he be trusted? All relationships hinge on trust.

    I feel like there's something he isn't telling you too. Things don't add up. You shouldn't *have* to look through his social media, etc. (and obviously it's not advisable - don't do it), but he's put you in a position where you feel like you have to in order to maintain a sense of security. That's incredibly telling.

    Try and get to the bottom of this factually. His story doesn't add up. If he starts to tell you the truth, well there's leeway for restoring things; a possibility. If he doesn't change his story, you're left with what you have, which seems like nonsense and lies. I'd decide what to do dependent on what he does.

    If he continues with his current story, he isn't worth your time. It just doesn't add up.

    If he changes his story, hear him out. Don't be any more inclined than you presently are to fix things, but hear him out.

    I just googled his name and came across another website/app

    I feel sick
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I just googled his name and came across another website/app

    I feel sick
    No jury needed. I think you know where this is going. :/
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    No jury needed. I think you know where this is going. :/
    I sent him a message saying simply 'I'm done.'
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I sent him a message saying simply 'I'm done.'
    Good for you! Keep us posted.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    Good for you! Keep us posted.

    He's currently out with his brother (or so he says) so I'm still awaiting a reply
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Sorry to hear that; been through a similar thing so here if you need me
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by JokerGirl)
    Sorry to hear that; been through a similar thing so here if you need me

    I'm just kind of numb right now
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    Good for you! Keep us posted.
    he is denying that it is his

    this sounds all too familiar
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm just kind of numb right now
    I understand :/ keep us posted and hang in there
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 23, 2015
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Has a teacher ever helped you cheat?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.