My grandfather died 5-days ago... Maybe upsetting.

I've never experienced a death until last week (I'm 19). It seems that while my world is falling apart, everyone else is just carrying on like nothing has even happened... Even my siblings don't appear upset, they keep telling me that 'he was old, he had his life' but this doesn't help no matter how much they repeat themselves. Whenever they mention him, I burst into tears, and then they're like 'oh god, here she goes again'.

I can't help wishing that it was me, because I just waste my life. Ridiculous, yes? I don't appreciate life at all; I'm bipolar/bulimic/social phobic -- a wreck. I keep thinking that maybe I'm overreacting, or my mental health has something to do with the way I'm feeling... But surely it's acceptable to grieve less than a week after a person has died?

All I can think about is the cremation. I'm dreading it, because I know that I'm going to be a sobbing wreck, and I'll upset everybody. Should I go? I don't know. They're trying to dress it up as a 'celebration' which makes me feel even worse, because how the hell am I supposed to pretend I'm happy? Why should I have to pretend? It all feels so disrespectful.

Reply 1

froggi

im so sorry for your loss. :frown:

people grieve in different ways. Its quite right to be upset less than a week after! my mate still grieves after her nan more than a year on. The healing process is a slow thing for some people. you should never blame yourself or let others get you down about it. you should go to your grandads funeral - he was your grandad - and you have a right to be upset
i hope things go well for you xx

Reply 2

supernova2

11

Everybody gets on with it because death is a part of life, its inevitable and the sad fact is we have to accept its gonna happen to everyone around us. By your age most people would have had some kind of experiance with death and weve just got to deal with it. The people who have died arent forgotten and youve still got memories of them inside you. And hopefully their legacy and grandparents will live in through your future generations. Cremations arent meant to be happy, youre meant to reflect on the person who youve lost.

Reply 3

vixky!

13

Don't be silly, you're not over-reacting!

I lost my nana two years ago, she lived with us since I was born (my dad wasnt around so she helped raise me while my mum was at work) and it was devastating.

My mum didn't seem too bothered, she pretty much got rid of all her stuff in her room straight away which really upset me. It just seemed like she wanted to get rid of any memory of her as soon as possible.

My family decided to get my nan cremated despite them all admitting that she had said that she wanted to be buried all her life - you have no idea how much this annoyed me.

I wasn't gonna go to my nans cremation because I was worried about getting upset in front of people but I am so glad that I did. I think you should go, and act how YOU want to. Don't worry about everyone else.

And last of all, I know it must seem like the end of the world at the moment - trust me, I have been there! - but it WILL get better and in a few weeks or months you will have dealt with it and be able to laugh at the good times! I still cry about my nana sometimes and I talk to her and just tell her about my day. Might sound a bit silly but it does help!

Let us know how it goes... xxx

Reply 4

afcwill

11

Ok anon, im really going to go fairly deep into my experiences to help you out a bit.

7 years after my Grandma died and i still grieve, at the start i used to interupt people whenever they mentioned her and never talked about her to anyone, and to this day i still keep my thoughts of her to myself. Im a very family orientated person and so her death really struck me and knocked the wind out of my sails. However, a way to help you come to terms with it is to get a picture of your Grandad with a nice big smile and put it on your wall in your room and then before you go to sleep, talk to him or just look at him and reflect on all the great times you shared together because those are personal to you, in your own personal space - your room. That can help, its amazing how much pictures can help. When they talk about the 'celebration', its a celebration of his life and that is so important to retain and keep, in that way everything really great that he did can be heard by all and so they know just what a nice person he was, or how much he achieved in his life - its so important that. And my advice, go to the funeral as you may regret it if you dont. Ive had a lot of family bereavement and i know just how important they are. Good luck and you can always PM me if you ever want a chat :smile:

Reply 5

Sephrenia

16

My grandad died about 7 or so years ago, and I still grieve, I dont often think of him, but when I do, I tend to grieve. I was never allowed to go to my grandads funeral, and I wanted to go, but personally, I would go to the cremation, even if it is just so you never regret not going. A week is a very short time to get over someones death, and everyone grieves differently...
:hugs:

Im here via PM to talk if you want to :hugs:

or just for a shoulder to cry on if needed :hugs:

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

I would never cry over someone dying from old age. Both my grandparents died from old age and I didnt get upset at all, they were legendary but they knew it was time to go and that is how most people deal with grief.

If you have trouble with it, and by trouble I mean a month later you are still upset about it then you really need to see a counsellor because you could have underlying mental issues.

I think it is free too.

Reply 7

Anonymous #3

Anonymous

I've never experienced a death until last week (I'm 19). It seems that while my world is falling apart, everyone else is just carrying on like nothing has even happened... Even my siblings don't appear upset, they keep telling me that 'he was old, he had his life' but this doesn't help no matter how much they repeat themselves. Whenever they mention him, I burst into tears, and then they're like 'oh god, here she goes again'.

I can't help wishing that it was me, because I just waste my life. Ridiculous, yes? I don't appreciate life at all; I'm bipolar/bulimic/social phobic -- a wreck. I keep thinking that maybe I'm overreacting, or my mental health has something to do with the way I'm feeling... But surely it's acceptable to grieve less than a week after a person has died?

All I can think about is the cremation. I'm dreading it, because I know that I'm going to be a sobbing wreck, and I'll upset everybody. Should I go? I don't know. They're trying to dress it up as a 'celebration' which makes me feel even worse, because how the hell am I supposed to pretend I'm happy? Why should I have to pretend? It all feels so disrespectful.

sorry for your loss :frown:

don't pretend, just act how you feel....2b honest, i lost my gran 2 years ago and i still dont think im over it :frown:

first experience of loss id ever had and i stil find it really hard not to cry when i think about it all....

the cremation will be awful, i was a blubbering wreck...its just everyone deals with things differently...try not to worry about everyone elses behaviour, just do what feels natural. i think because i bottled it up at the time, i'm a lot worse now...

Reply 8

lil one

2

im really sorry for your loss :hugs:

xxxx

Reply 9

melonman

you aren't over reacting at all.

just wanted to send you some hugs *huggles*
xXx

Reply 10

carefree_sloth

Well, I don't know if this could help you, but go to his grave one more time and pay your last respects. Spill out everything that you wanted to let out to him. Or maybe have a small "talk" with him. I believe that may help, and your granddad's "presence" may acknowledge it. :smile:

Reply 11

jpwhits

2

Take the chance to say goodbye at the funeral, you will regret it if you dont

Reply 12

loopyloo

All I can think about is the cremation. I'm dreading it, because I know that I'm going to be a sobbing wreck, and I'll upset everybody.

dont worry im sure other people will be crying! when my grandma died no one really cried (except me!) because in a sense we'd already lost her (she had dementia), but then when the funeral came around all my family were handing round tissues! theres no shame in crying, its healthy, it expresses how u feel! i still think about my grandma pretty much every day, which i find quite strange as she passed away over a year ago now, but i like to keep thinking about her as it keeps her alive in a way if u know what i mean, like she's not really gone completely. as someone else said, i think its helpful to have a picture of them in your room to look at and talk to.
dont let anyone tell you how you should feel, its perfectly natural to be upset :hugs:

and i would definitely go to the funeral, because if you dont you will always regret it. it should offer some sort of closure as well. :smile:

Reply 13

simeon125

10

I would like to second the comment above. You are in no way over reacting, in fact I'm glad that you have come on TSR to share your feelings on the matter and have not hidden/tucked away. For that would be the worse thing of all. Obviously, it seems that your siblings have had a different connection or perhaps you got on better with your grandad. In any case, remember that you are continuing your grandfathers legacy and thats what truly matters. :wink:

Reply 14

Invocation

12

You would have died in place of your Gdad? I would rep you if i knew who you were.

Reply 15

silence

16

death is one of those things. some adults can deal with it well because they're used to it, (i'm talking about other people dying rather than the people dealing with death dying), some people, espeically kids, aren't too emotional about it because it's such an unexplained and random event.. but some people do get very upset by it. it's not abnormal at all, so don't worry. just hope that everything goes well over few weeks and months.

Reply 16

xXMessedUpXx

15

First of all i'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my nan in July and i'm still coming to terms with it. I know its a really hard thing to cope with and you're not alone, 5 years ago my Grandad died suddenly from cancer. I had no idea what to do. I was a walking wreck, at the mention of him, or just thought of him i kept bursting into tears. So in 6that respect i understand how you've been feeling. Don't feel bad about it though, cos as i found out its just YOUR way of grieving and you have every right to do that. It was only 5 days ago, and that's not a long time so don't fee l bad for feeling upset.

I'm sure your fmaily do care, its probably just that they are dealing with this in their own way. I didn't remember seeing my parents or my siblings cry. I sometimes felt like i was the only one who cared, but i've since found out that they did cry, they just never did in front of me cos they were trying to protect me, and for my mum especially (it was her dad) her way of coping was simply to keep busy. I cried throughout the whole funeral, i was overwhelmed. All i can say is that if you want to cry, then please do because its your time to say goodbye to someone you loved dearly and how you do that shouldn't be dicated by the hopes and fears of others.

With my Nan's death the grief was different. In a way this time round i've kept my feelings very much to myself. It was made harder by the fact i'm at uni, and my mum had to ring me to tell me. I've felt so guilty for not being at home enough, i've felt angry at her for leaving me, for the fact she died the day before i was going to see her. And i've broken down more times than i can count, becuase i want her back and cos realsing i'll never see her again is so hard to deal with. I managed not to cry at the funeral, i think its cos i made myself be strong this time, and cos i made a promise to my nan that i wouldn't. It also helped that my bf came with me. No idea if you have a close friend or bf who could go to the funeral with you but i found it helped me so much knowing that although i was there supporting my fmaily, there was someone else there to support me.

Sorry this is such a long reply but i just wanted to you know that you'll be ok. Time is the best healer, you've lost someone you love from this world, but i firmly believe that you'll always be looked after by them whether they're here or not. :hugs:

please take care of yourself

Reply 17

aleathiel

16

Im sorry for your loss, I know what its like cos I lost my dad on october 19th and his funeral was 2 days ago, Ive just had to come back to uni and Im feeling really lost and homesick :frown:

My dad was only 55 and he'd been ill for 18 months, we knew what the outcome would be but it was still a shock when it did happen :frown:

I was dreading the day of his funeral, and I cried the whole way through the church service & the cremation when his coffin was being taken in it really hit me that he was gone for good. I know its hard but you dont have to put on a mask for anyone, dont be afraid to show your emotions no one will judge you for how you are on the day :hugs:

Reply 18

SmuUsh

Anonymous

I've never experienced a death until last week (I'm 19). It seems that while my world is falling apart, everyone else is just carrying on like nothing has even happened... Even my siblings don't appear upset, they keep telling me that 'he was old, he had his life' but this doesn't help no matter how much they repeat themselves. Whenever they mention him, I burst into tears, and then they're like 'oh god, here she goes again'.

I can't help wishing that it was me, because I just waste my life. Ridiculous, yes? I don't appreciate life at all; I'm bipolar/bulimic/social phobic -- a wreck. I keep thinking that maybe I'm overreacting, or my mental health has something to do with the way I'm feeling... But surely it's acceptable to grieve less than a week after a person has died?

All I can think about is the cremation. I'm dreading it, because I know that I'm going to be a sobbing wreck, and I'll upset everybody. Should I go? I don't know. They're trying to dress it up as a 'celebration' which makes me feel even worse, because how the hell am I supposed to pretend I'm happy? Why should I have to pretend? It all feels so disrespectful.

Coping with tje loss of someone is very difficult I have lost so many people in the last year and a half. Its normal to go into that state. My great Granddad the first person who I really knew well, died when I was sixteen. I felt lost without him i developed an OCD because when i was told I was cleaning the kitchen. I couldn't stop cleaning kitchens now I need to make sure they are clean But it does get better after time If you would like to talk about it more feel free to PM me and we can discuss it further. I hope it eases for you. No one deserves to feel like that.

Reply 19

Garfield_007

I was the same as you, my grandfather died when I was 19 and I had never experienced it before. It was a tough time and I tried to hide my feelings as I didn't want to upset my mum or siblings. Let your emotions out, its completely normal and needs to be done to help you come to terms with your loss. Maybe your siblings are upset they just don't want to show it. You will get through this tough time but don't worry about getting upset, sometimes I still get upset now and its been over 6 months.

My grandfather died 5-days ago... Maybe upsetting.

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