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Need your help, I'm going mad Watch

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    Good evening everyone

    I'd be really thankful if you could give me your 2cts about this.

    I've dating a guy for a year. It started wonderfully, he was an amazing boyfriend during months. Six months in I found porn on his phone (while browsing pics; with him) and he said he didn't know how it had got there. After 15 minutes of me telling him I wasn't stupid he admitted it was just porn pics he was watching now and then. I wasn't really hurt by the porn -he knew I had nothing against it - I was more hurt that for a little while had been scared and had lied stupidly. I almost broke up...Having been lied to, cheated on, and abused in all of my former relationships I started being really paranoid that he'd lie again, to the point where I was gradually asking repeatedly about petty stuff just so I'd be reassured. That one little lie had obviously awakened my hurt, former self and I was becoming insecure and not trusting him.

    A few months ago I asked if he had been talking to a female friend of his; more to test him (I know, it's bad) than actually worrying about the girl who I know isn't his type anyway. I just wanted to check if he was going to lie or not. He said he hadn't talked to her. Turns out he had and I found it quickly (there was nothing wrong in their conversations). He was really adamant that he had forgotten (it was on a forum, but it was only 4 days before...). I went bonkers cause I didn't actually believe him, but then I spoke to friends and they told me that maybe it was true, and that even if it wasn't maybe he had just panicked; so I didn't dump him.
    BUT it was literaly making me sad everyday, my guts were telling me that I was right, but at the same time I was trying not to panic. Whenever I mentioned it to him, repeatedly, he never got really angry, which I thought was weird for someone who is innocent. He was just trying to reassure me and said he hadn't lied.

    Tonight we had a huge fight that actually had nothing to do with it, but it all came down to that lie because I said I still didn't believe what he had said months ago, and that because of that I was questioning his integrity every day.I begged him one more time to tell me the truth, telling him I'd be relieved. He finally admitted. Then saw I was going blank, so said he was just saying that to reassure me. And back and forth, changing his version for a good 5-10 minutes. Eventually he stuck to the fact he had lied; because he thought I was clearly going to think he and that girl were more than friends, and then at the time when I had gone mental because I thought he was lying he thought I'd break up if Ihe said the truth. And that it had then snowballed and the more he waited the more it seemed impossible to say the truth. The thing that bugs me the most is not even the initial lie; it's that he saw me being miserable for days after that, crying and barely being able to go to work, he still only admitted it now. It feels really cruel.

    Now I'm just wondering if it's forgivable or not. I don't know what to do. He's going abroad for a few months (Ironically, I think it's partly because we were going sour because of my "paranoia"...!) and I think maybe it's the right time to call it quits; or at least have a bit of a break thanks to the long distance.

    I'm sorry it's so long. I'm shaking and going absolutely crazy and I can't think straight. I know he does love me and he's not a bad person...but I'm not sure we can be mended now.

    Thanks
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And? I've told him all of this anyway
    all people in relationships tell white lies, but I think the fact that he seems to lie chronically is what is really getting to you as it would to anyone.

    A relationship is built on 4 principles in my opinion, love, attraction, trust and loyalty. The lying means you cant trust him, and it also means you question his loyalty and his love for you, all you really have left then is affection, when you boil it down to that, it seems like there isnt much of a relationship left. But things can be rescued and often these situations are a huge misunderstanding. If not then at least you took a shot.

    I would recommend sitting down with him one evening and laying all your cards on the table, let him know that the lying is tearing you apart, and that you would really like to know the truth about this situation so you can both move on. the trust wont come back all at once but it will reform over time.

    If this leads to an argument then just stop talking and keep your distance for a good few hours to let things cool down.

    sadly this doesn't always work and people still will lie and revert to their old habits and ways, I honestly believe that if this is the case a relationship is not going to work out and you should take a break and take it from there.
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    Thank you. I agree with you. I don't think you can go far in a Relationship without trust. He knows he tends to fib when panicking and he did promise he'd work on that.

    I have already explained him how much it hurts me. I was literaly about to go see a therapist to cure my insecurity and paranoia, so clearly he knew this was a big problem for me - I can't blame it all on him though, I have some serious bagage. I did notice he tries to say the truth more than before, but he still kept that big, big thing for himself.

    I can get that at some point he thought "I won't back down about that lie but from now on I'll try and always say the truth" but as I explained to him it wouldn't have been sooo much better to spill the truth straight away...
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    Does he know any of your history of bad relationships? Of so, he may have been worked your think he was just like those others. Men (especially young men) are generally pretty poor at saying what they really feel and tend to get defensive out of fear and desperation. They also tend to think women are some sort of alien creature they can never understand, and so they don't even try.

    Or maybe he's just a self-centred **** who doesn't think of how his (possibly completely innocent) actions might hurt those around him.

    The former he might grow out of, the latter... Not so likely...
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    (Original post by ArgentStar)
    Does he know any of your history of bad relationships? Of so, he may have been worked your think he was just like those others. Men (especially young men) are generally pretty poor at saying what they really feel and tend to get defensive out of fear and desperation. They also tend to think women are some sort of alien creature they can never understand, and so they don't even try.

    Or maybe he's just a self-centred **** who doesn't think of how his (possibly completely innocent) actions might hurt those around him.

    The former he might grow out of, the latter... Not so likely...
    Well yeah he does, I'm really honest with him and he knew all of it. I almost didn't get into the Relationship in the first place because I didn't trust much men anymore...

    He tried for months to reassure me and was great with helping me deal with an abusive ex, when we had only been dating for 2 months. I can't say he's not caring. Also he is younger than me, he's 23 and me 26.

    As for knowing which one of these he is... I don't know. It dépends on my mood. He tends to be quite immature in fights, he clearly doesn't know how to say things in a smooth way. I try and take that in consideration. Lying is another thing though.
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    Also, and this is definitely not meant as a criticism, but trust is a two-way thing. We have to be able to perceive the innocent actions as trustworthy and not automatically assume the worst. I know from bitter experience how our own bad experiences can taint the way we see the world and those around us.

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    It's been 14 years since my bad relationship (I'm only 31!) And I still assume anyone who shows an interest is planning something horrific.

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    I feel your pain... It's really much harder than I thought to get over that.

    But that makes it worse to me. He knew how weak I was. Sure he's not my therapist and does'n't have to put up with my fits... but why on earth would you keep on lying to someone who's begging for the truth. I don't get it.
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    Surely what's important is not the lie, but the reason for the lie. Lying to make the best of a bad situation isn't the same as lying to cover up cheating.

    The porn-on-the-phone may just have been embarrassment, but may have left him feeling labelled a suspect, ironically leading him to cover up anything else innocent that might rouse your suspicions.

    You're heading in the right direction, though. He's being more truthful and you recognise your "paranoia". That said, it sounds like time apart would help, if not to give yourselves a break but to take some time out to learn from it all.
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    Me neither. And you'll know better than any of us how he makes you feel. But I'd have to agree that his lying in the face of your obvious suffering is NOT a good sign. If nothing else, it shows a lack of empathy. But then fear can make people do some strange things, and there's nothing more terrifying to many people than their true feelings.

    I'm perhaps the last person you should be taking relationship advice from :-) but I think it's probably worth hearing what he has to say for himself when he gets back. He will have had plenty of time to think as well. If he hasn't been using that time to think about the pain he's caused you and where he feels the two of you are, then he's probably not worth your time. And definitely not worth your tears.

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    mrithchypants, yes you have a point, he has explained it exactly like that. That he has grown into thinking everything he was doing was wrong and I was going to have a go at him for no reason. So he gets scared and lies about petty stuff.

    Argentstar, exactly! It's not only the lying, it's the fact he saw I was miserable about it for weeks and weeks. And then tonight... not sure what happened. We were having this big fight, when he was saying mean things because he was fed up (which he does now and then and I don't really care if it's during a fight), I got really angry, threw my laptop across the room (FYI this is a first, I don't usually throw tantrums at all), and maybe it was just too much for him but he ended up saying it. Is that what it takes?? sigh.
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    i don't know what to do... I can't make up my mind, is it just a big mistake, is it a deal breaker... I can't focus on anything. Relationship problems are the worst.
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    OK I'm in tears here. We just broke up I think.

    I came back from work (we had given each other the day to think about what we should do) and he was nice but then we started talking and I feel like he's not going to change. He said he never felt the need to lie to his exes (apart from one cause she was a bit crazy), he said he wanted to stop but he was scared he'd do it again because he's always scared of my reactions.

    When I asked if he at least felt sorry during these two months when he was lying, he said not really (well... at least he's honest). He said he was mostly annoyed that I didn't believe him then - and he does realize it's complete nonsense since as it turned out I was right to be suspicious. He says he didn't feel bad at the time because it was such a small lie he didn't see why I was freaking out about the possibility he had lied.
    But he says since yesterday he's been feeling guilty and that's he's only now fully realized he had done wrong.... How on earth did he not realize that before?!

    He's not even sure he loves me anymore. He does care and usually thinks he does but says that if he's treated me so badly (which he's really sorry about) then maybe he doesn't love me as much as he thought.

    I'm a wreck. I thought I knew him, I really did and I don't know what to think anymore. I went straight to crying mode when he just went to have a conversation with a housemate. Like we didnt' basically broke up.
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    Up...

    I'd love more opinions. I don't know if he's just human or a pathologic liar. There's beena couple other white lies, smaller, that he admitted quick.
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    Sounds like you've got some serious trust issues.


    What is with these expectations, do you not lie sometimes, especially when you are embarrassed?

    Why is it you feel that one lie equates to another, when in reality, everyone lies about different things?
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    Well I do have trust issues. And I do try and keep them away. But isn't one little fib after the other (and especially when he knows it makes me miserable and doesn't feel guilty as I explained) supposed to be a big deal?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well I do have trust issues. And I do try and keep them away. But isn't one little fib after the other (and especially when he knows it makes me miserable and doesn't feel guilty as I explained) supposed to be a big deal?
    Also yeah, I do lie now and then, but never to my boyfriends...
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    In a way I understand him lying because the things you've incessantly questioned and hounded him about, are things you don't mind him doing anyway/don't have a problem with in the first place? It sounds like he's lied for an easier life, rather than lying out of malice or trying to hide anything.

    I get trust issues are hard, but this guy hasn't given you any reason not to trust him. He's only lied because you've pushed him into feeling like he's had no alternative.

    I'm not surprised that he's scared of your reactions. I can't believe you're thinking of breaking up with him because he told a white lie, about talking to a girl, on a forum? Seriously? How old are you both?!
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    Don't be so paranoid, chill out It's understandable he got scared, if you stopped doubting him so much he wouldnt be so scared all the time
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    Thanks for your opinions.

    The thing is despite my trust issues I was okay with him for months and I only started being paranoid after the first lie. Not the other way round. And I kept telling him I'd rather always know the truth than not, caus I freak out the most when in doubt. I did insist that I don't care if he talks to girls or else, it's just that I can't stand being lied to...
 
 
 
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