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Not sure if/how I should break up with boyfriend watch

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    #1

    Hey all,

    I've got a bit of an internal dilemma and really unsure what to do, so some help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

    I'm a 24 year old female, and a final year university student. I'm quite driven, and want to get a first in my degree. I'm also a social person by nature and quite involved in my community, like to volunteer and mentor other students. So, I'm a bit of busy bee and very conscious of not wasting my time, so I can do well at uni.

    I've been with this guy for about four months now (longest relationship to date). We met on Tinder (I know!) but it worked out just fine and I feel like the everything between us has been going quite well so far. He's lovely, caring, quite interesting and (as far as I can tell) likes me a lot. But there are a few issues that keep cropping up in my head and make me feel like it's a dead end relationship.

    First of all, I've decided not to have sex before marriage (this is my decision, partly cultural, but I definitely won't change it unless I'm certain I'll marry that person, so if you want to judge me, do, but suggesting that I should have sex won't help). He has said that this isn't a problem for him, and while we've "done other stuff", I feel like there will come a point where this will not be enough for him. He doesn't want to marry any time soon (he's half a year younger than me), whereas I am looking for a serious long term relationship that will result in marriage within 2-3 years.

    Secondly, I come from an Eastern European country, which has quite a different culture, and I feel like, while he is open to other nationalities, etc. he will not really be able to fit in to mine, or will most certainly struggle, esp with language. At the same time, I don't feel like he fully understands me or my family values in the same way as a guy from my country would, which is extremely important to me. His family life is very different to mine and I feel I'd miss the closeness that is the norm in most families in my country. I've never assumed that I should only date someone from my country, as I've fit in quite well into British culture and love everything about it, so I figured some British guys might be as flexible as I am, but I sense that this wouldn't be the case with him.

    The final thing probably is that, at the risk of sounding arrogant, he doesn't challenge me intellectually as some of my friends/previous bfs have done. He isn't very articulate, and hasn't travelled a lot or read much, so I feel like I always have to explain stuff to him, and I'm constantly worried about being patronising. He's smart in many other ways, esp in his field (web design), but he tends to agree with me on most other things, which can be a little frustrating when I'm used to debating all the time.

    I don't see him very often because he lives in the neighbouring city and I'm always busy with studies, but he keeps talking about moving soon (in a year! when he can save up for a house) so he can be closer to me. I'm dreading this slightly though, and worried that he is taking this much more seriously than I am. I don't see a future with him, but he clearly does with me, so I don't know what to do. :confused:

    The problem I am having in breaking it off is that he treats me very well, he is the loveliest guy ever, and I would never want to break his heart. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't feel like the reasons I gave above are strong grounds for a break up, and are just mean, so he'll just think I'm a b**** and I don't want to be that person he hates.

    I can imagine this sounds pretty selfish, and I do feel happy with him at the moment, but I know that in the long run there is no future, so I don't want to lead him on. I'm also worried it has affected my performance at uni, and blame myself for having spent so much time with him when I could have been studying.

    Ah, this is a long post, not sure anyone will take the time to read it, but if you do, any ideas on how I can break up with him without breaking his heart or what I should do in general would be useful

    P.S. Please don't hate :rolleyes:
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    Hi,

    If you are not happy now then how will you be happy in a few years? If you can't see things working out then it's best to end the relationship early than to wait even longer as this will make it harder for your bf. It sounds to me like you're not ready for a relationship, and that you're more committed to improving your own life at the moment (which isn't a bad thing by the way).

    My advice would be that you should end the relationship since you clearly said you see no future. Make sure you explain to him that it's not his fault though (although he will still probably think it is anyway). I would also like to say that I don't think you should go into a relationship until you feel you are completely ready to commit to it.

    This is a very short and vague response but I hope it might help in some way.
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    You sound very arrogant and full of yourself, but fair play to you. This relationship isn't going anywhere, you need to tell him. No reason why you should stay with him.

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    What other stuff have you done?
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    If you've come to the point where you're listing out reasons why he doesn't deserve you, then I hope he leaves you before you even get the chance to do so.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by Deanio)
    Hi,

    If you are not happy now then how will you be happy in a few years? If you can't see things working out then it's best to end the relationship early than to wait even longer as this will make it harder for your bf. It sounds to me like you're not ready for a relationship, and that you're more committed to improving your own life at the moment (which isn't a bad thing by the way).

    My advice would be that you should end the relationship since you clearly said you see no future. Make sure you explain to him that it's not his fault though (although he will still probably think it is anyway). I would also like to say that I don't think you should go into a relationship until you feel you are completely ready to commit to it.

    This is a very short and vague response but I hope it might help in some way.
    Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I probably made a mistake letting it go this far, but I did and still do really like him as a person, and am attracted to him, I just didn't think it would develop into something this serious.
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    (Original post by Alsklinq)
    If you've come to the point where you're listing out reasons why he doesn't deserve you, then I hope he leaves you before you even get the chance to do so.
    I most certainly don't think he doesn't deserve me, I also never said that. I just think we're not quite right for each other and I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him.
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    (Original post by Stefano93)
    tl;dr

    Also why are you asking complete strangers if and how you should break up with someone?
    There probably is a reason don't you think? Maybe right now I don't have anybody else I can talk with about this.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I most certainly don't think he doesn't deserve me, I also never said that. I just think we're not quite right for each other and I couldn't spend the rest of my life with him.
    Re-read your paragraphs, and then read it again. And then read it once again until the words make sense to you. You clearly don't believe in him in terms of loving you the right way, or respecting your family values the right way or the fact that he agrees with you often. I don't really know why you're hurting the poor lad by being with him when you clearly don't see any future with him.

    You don't need strong reasons to break up, if you don't love them then that's a reason itself to end it all. And from what I read, you're only with him as you're scared of hurting him, rather than loving him.

    I'm not hating, I just cannot understand why people choose to be with someone if they don't love them unconditionally or for the way they are? He will be hurt when you break it off(which I'm pretty sure will be within the next few days) but later, he'll realise that he's better off. You want someone to challenge you and apparently, he's not challenging enough.
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    (Original post by Alsklinq)
    Re-read your paragraphs, and then read it again. And then read it once again until the words make sense to you. You clearly don't believe in him in terms of loving you the right way, or respecting your family values the right way or the fact that he agrees with you often. I don't really know why you're hurting the poor lad by being with him when you clearly don't see any future with him.

    You don't need strong reasons to break up, if you don't love them then that's a reason itself to end it all. And from what I read, you're only with him as you're scared of hurting him, rather than loving him.

    I'm not hating, I just cannot understand why people choose to be with someone if they don't love them unconditionally or for the way they are? He will be hurt when you break it off(which I'm pretty sure will be within the next few days) but later, he'll realise that he's better off. You want someone to challenge you and apparently, he's not challenging enough.

    I guess I stayed with him because I genuinely like him and enjoy spending time with him and that hasn't changed. The only thing that changed was me realising that maybe what he wants is more serious (I'm not sure cos he knows that i might move away after uni and hasn't made that too much of a big deal) and that I definitely can't see it working out long term.

    So is it worth sticking together just cos we like each other? I should probably just speak with him and find out what he expects from the relationship.
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    When any relationship, which has been built upon high awareness and expectation, is to come to a closed door, there must be the reason of such a nature that conquers; a drastic circumstance with a dramatic decline in a thing or another which had basically stood as the robust, real foundation. Comparisons may start to be drawn at a certain point between an object at hand and others, of the same use, away. All the points relating to why such comparison should take place at the moment, as well as the unexpected, if already excluded, result of breaking up would then seem to raise one important question. This is, definitely, whether one's recently full and precise- detailed-awareness of oneself may justify a potential as the above-mentioned. The question is, nevertheless, far too complicated than to be shortcut in the superficial view on one being, really, arrogant. Two hard, interrelated points must be appreciated, though. An endless frankness in describing facts, intentions, attitude and feelings towards an (emerging) question should not be the key point that only brings blame.
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    This is something I said to a friend once, she didn't break up with her boyfriend and they still have lots of issues: if you have enough to properly rant about them and doubt them within four months, you should ditch them. It isn't going anywhere and you are hardly invested- let it go and move on.
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    You soung high maintenance and i wonder how he stans you. The poor guy must be blinded by love. Going into a relationship expecting the guy to be a certain way or act according to how your previous boyfriends were is BS. I personally think you should tell the boy to Run run away and never return. He would be better of with someone who would appreciate him for who he is and not finding faults. The faults you are pointing out make you sound shallow and proud. The boy is good with web designing. Why dont you have pride in that. Most girls boyfriends are waifers with no ambition. Just because he hasnt travelled he is not as learned as you?
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    If your thinking of the pros and cons it's not going to work out, you'll still be analyzing pros and cons 50 years from now.

    ps: the term web design is very broad, do you mean back-end data structures or mostly front-end graphical user interfaces? - web design is one of the few professions that can be easy as hell or highly complicated (I'm assuming by web design you also mean web dev).
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    Firstly, how do you know that he won't fit in with your culture or manage the language if you haven't even given him a chance to try it? It sounds like you are assuming that he won't fit in, when given time he could.
    Secondly, you say you are looking or a serious relationship resulting in marriage within 2-3 years and say that he isn't looking for something serious. Yet he is prepared to wait until marriage for sex and move closer to you - that sounds like he is pretty committed and serious to me.

    Forgive me if I'm wrong it sounds like you are not giving him a chance because he doesn't fit into your ideas for a boyfriend, when what really matters is whether you like him or not. If you like him and he makes you happy then sty with him and give him a chance to show you that he'll fit into your culture and other 'ideals'. Don't immediately decide he won't ever be just because he isn't intellectual as you.
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    #4

    What was the most sweetest thing he ever did to you?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No wonder your longest relationship has been four months. You sound a bit of a handful.
    I think I must have come across as a very arrogant person, but in reality I have never brought up any of these issues with him or pressured him in any way to accept any such preconditions.

    The reason why this is the longest relationship is because I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time, but also because most guys see sex as the most important part of a relationship, and this guy was the only one who felt like he could live without it for a while.
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    (Original post by SpaceMon)
    If your thinking of the pros and cons it's not going to work out, you'll still be analyzing pros and cons 50 years from now.

    ps: the term web design is very broad, do you mean back-end data structures or mostly front-end graphical user interfaces? - web design is one of the few professions that can be easy as hell or highly complicated (I'm assuming by web design you also mean web dev).
    Yeah, he does both, and he's very smart and ambitious in his work, so I'm not saying that he isn't as intelligent as me, only that his knowledge is mostly constrained to this field and not as broad.
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    Not seeing a future with somebody is a perfectly good reason to break up with them.

    So tell him "I'm sorry, I don't see a future for us" and be done with it.
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    (Original post by Ekemini)
    You soung high maintenance and i wonder how he stans you. The poor guy must be blinded by love. Going into a relationship expecting the guy to be a certain way or act according to how your previous boyfriends were is BS. I personally think you should tell the boy to Run run away and never return. He would be better of with someone who would appreciate him for who he is and not finding faults. The faults you are pointing out make you sound shallow and proud. The boy is good with web designing. Why dont you have pride in that. Most girls boyfriends are waifers with no ambition. Just because he hasnt travelled he is not as learned as you?
    He's most certainly not blinded by love, nor am I high maintenance. I support him in everything he does and give him just as much attention as he gives me. The only thing that may be considered to be difficult is the whole sex thing, but I told him at the beginning so he knew what he was getting into. And I do appreciate him, with all his faults and "perfections", he's one of the loveliest people I've ever met, it's just that I'm not sure we can be happy together in the long run.

    Also, why not? Why shouldn't I want someone who is ambitious or intelligent? If I'm going to be unhappy with a person who isn't like that because he doesn't challenge me or push my horizons, why should I settle for something less? Is there something wrong with that?
 
 
 
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