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I'm not sexually attracted to my bf anymore. But I love him. Advice? watch

    • #1
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    #1

    This could turn into a long post if I went into the deets so I'm gonna try and keep it short.

    - Been with bf just over three years
    - Found out about six months in that he has issues sexually. I wouldn't go as far as to say he was asexual, but he had a sort of phobia of it.
    - Had sex therapy as a couple. Sort of worked. We could have sex which was a plus but it was awful and forced. Felt like I was sleeping with a mannequin.
    - As time went on I gave up trying. I lost the honeymoon style lust and the lack of sex just bothered me less.


    Present: We haven't had sex or even done anything intimate in maybe 18 months. This is not his fault - he has offered. His offerings aren't exactly a turn on though - "I will if you want to...". I feel I have turned my sexual attraction of him off for so long that I've lost it. I can't imagine having sex with him anymore. It feels weird.

    This worries me because I do love him. I love sex, and in this relationship I chose love over sex, but I feel I've been robbed on my sexuality and I can't get it back. I DO think about sex and get turned on pretty much all the time - but never because of him anymore.


    How can I find him sexually attractive again? :/
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    Do you love him or are you IN love with him? My ex-relationship was similar and in the end I thought I was ill because I just didn't want sex at all and him touching me felt vile but then I dumped him and was fine again. You shouldn't have to choose love over sex you can find someone else with both.
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    Loving someone =/= having sex with that someone every other night.
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    (Original post by infairverona)
    Do you love him or are you IN love with him? My ex-relationship was similar and in the end I thought I was ill because I just didn't want sex at all and him touching me felt vile but then I dumped him and was fine again. You shouldn't have to choose love over sex you can find someone else with both.
    Sounds good to me. If the man is not delivering on sex, I am sure you can find many who will. In fact, I am almost certain, oh, wait I am 110% certain that Tinder is overflowing with men looking for sex. Men who actually love you might be somewhat harder to get though. By all means, if you feel disgusted by someone touching you, there is a problem, however, and the relationships doesn't seem to have a future no matter which way you turn it.
    • #2
    #2

    I felt like this with my ex. Not as bad as your situation but I felt like he didn't have a strong libido. Sorry OP not going to be easy but you need to leave him. It's unfair on you
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    Welcome Squad
    OP, most people here will tell you leave him, dump him etc...but I would advise otherwise.. Love is more important!!! I do understand your point, your frustrations.. But if you love him and he loves you that is the most important and everything else can be fixed!!

    The next time he offers you to have sex, accept it! He tries hard to, and you should try as well. Even if you feel weired, you can try, help each other and make it work! Don't give up now.
    • #3
    #3

    You need to find out what it is about sex that he doesn't want/like and have a good chat with him. If your couples therapist was that good they would have got to the bottom of it. You really need to get into his head about this. I reckon he's not telling you the full story. Also I don't want to be rude but does he get sexually aroused ever and is he definitely straight?
    • #3
    #3

    I.e

    Is it an energy thing?
    He might feel inadequate and not really know how to do it properly/good enough?
    Does he have any type of OCD which means he might be concerned about the hygiene aspect of it? If so you can work round it once/if you know it exists.

    These sorts of things.
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    he probably has a weird fetish that he wants fulfilling but doesnt know how to tell you
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    so talk it through! after three years you should be able to discuss each others needs
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    If you really do still love him (and I mean like... you're in love with him) then I'd say it's worth putting in some more effort to try to fix this, as it's potentially fixable.

    You said you both visited a sex therapist, but has he visited a therapist anymore since then? It might be worth you both seeing someone again, or even him seperately. He may have issues that have caused him to feel this way, which haven't been talked about yet.

    As others have said, finding someone to have sex with is easy... finding a relationship with someone whom you love and loves you in return is a lot harder to find.
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    If sex is really important to you then you need to dump him and move on to someone who will satisfy your sexuality.
    • #4
    #4

    People are saying 'don't give up! Love's important!'

    And while I agree with that, that love is important and even > sex, it doesn't seem to be working with you (which is absolutely fine).

    He may not be fully asexual, but he seems to fall under that umbrella, and while that's awesome and he might be happy with that, you're obviously not, and it's not fair to you. Just because he doesn't want to have sex, doesn't mean you should be trapped with that.

    I'd let go now, before it gets even more complicated, and if like you say you love him but the sexual attraction's not there, that sounds like a pretty solid base to a great platonic/friendly relationship to me. Just stay friends if you can (and you want to).
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You need to find out what it is about sex that he doesn't want/like and have a good chat with him. If your couples therapist was that good they would have got to the bottom of it. You really need to get into his head about this. I reckon he's not telling you the full story.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I.e

    Is it an energy thing?
    He might feel inadequate and not really know how to do it properly/good enough?
    Does he have any type of OCD which means he might be concerned about the hygiene aspect of it? If so you can work round it once/if you know it exists.

    These sorts of things.
    I second this advice
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    (Original post by lNurl)
    OP, most people here will tell you leave him, dump him etc...but I would advise otherwise.. Love is more important!!! I do understand your point, your frustrations.. But if you love him and he loves you that is the most important and everything else can be fixed!!

    The next time he offers you to have sex, accept it! He tries hard to, and you should try as well. Even if you feel weired, you can try, help each other and make it work! Don't give up now.
    I agree, but it isn't an either/or situation. I don't think it's greedy or unreasonable to want a loving relationship with fulfilling sex- I think most non-asexual adults want that.

    I wouldn't tell her to leave him, just to say I would do in that situation, and I feel women have as much right to a happy sex life as men do, so I'd be a hypocrite to suggest otherwise.

    I'm not sure I really agree with that. Have you ever had sex, and you've realised the other person is only doing it for your sake? It isn't enjoyable. She's gone three years without good sex, eighteen months without any at all, I think she's given it a good go. Obviously keep trying, but at the end of the day, that's such a long time, I wouldn't bet on things improving. What would be sad is if she stays for another, say, five years, then finally decides she can't take anymore.

    The language like "I feel I've been robbed on my sexuality" implies there is a bit of resentment here. I think the OP has to decide whether this is a relationship, as it is now, she'd be happy to stay in for the rest of her life. I don't think she should stay in it in the hope that he is going to change.
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    That blows the "personality matters more" statement we continuously hear from girls out the window.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    maybe 18 months.
    Oh my...wow.

    Well, I'm assuming he will never change his ways about sex, so are you willing to sacrifice sex for love? If you really are in love with him that is...

    Muslim couples get into relationships and don't have sex until marriage, but yeah, they know they'll get there, you don't know whether you'll ever have sex again :/
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    (Original post by owwwww2)
    That blows the "personality matters more" statement we continuously hear from girls out the window.
    What has that got anything to do with her boyfriend's low sex drive?
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    (Original post by owwwww2)
    That blows the "personality matters more" statement we continuously hear from girls out the window.
    I'm not certain it does. Personality may be more important but that doesn't mean sex has zero importance. For argument's sake, let's quantify it as 60:40 or 70:30, personality to sex. In the OP's situation, she wants this ratio approximately but she is receiving 100:0 Personality matters more in this example, but if sex is absent or below its respective percentage then we have an issue.

    Anyway, OP, I have to say that I am surprised and also impressed that you have stayed with him for such a long period of time; I think 18 months without sex in a relationship is commendable and shows how much you love him. However, sex is extremely important and can ruin relationships if not balanced correctly. I don't think you would be immoral to leave him, but obviously you do not want this as you love him and have proven this. I therefore think the only step forward is to tackle the issue head on: both of you ought to try to improve the sex for a final time with particular effort, and if it's simply the case that he will never change then it may be that you two are not right for each other, however heartbreaking that may be. One thing to emphasise is that you should never feel guilty for wanting to be with someone else due to the sex in your current relationship. I think some people try and condemn this as shallow or wrong but in extreme cases like this it is completely understandable.
    • #5
    #5

    (Original post by AnharM)
    What has that got anything to do with her boyfriend's low sex drive?
    His point was that if personality was the be all and end all then the low sex drive would have no importance. This is of course flawed as I showed above.
 
 
 
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