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Found out 2 of my Uni Flatmates are 'Friends With Benefits' - Upset about it? watch

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    I've been in halls with my flatmates now since September and have been loving Uni life.

    However, a few days ago my male flatmate told me he has been 'friends with benefits' with one of the female flatmates for a few months.

    I don't know why but it's really upset me and put me on a downer and I don't really know why. I thought we were all like brothers & sisters here but now this has happened and I feel like it's disturbed the group dynamics.

    We have already confirmed/paid deposits for a house next year and now I'm starting to think I should find different flatmates.

    But I just don't understand why it's made me so upset...

    Am I jealous?

    Am I just upset because it's effected the group dynamics?

    Or what?

    I feel like I've not really been trusted either because 2 of my other flatmates already knew and I was never told despite being super-close to them.

    Just massively confused and don't know what to do right now.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been in halls with my flatmates now since September and have been loving Uni life.

    However, a few days ago my male flatmate told me he has been 'friends with benefits' with one of the female flatmates for a few months.

    I don't know why but it's really upset me and put me on a downer and I don't really know why. I thought we were all like brothers & sisters here but now this has happened and I feel like it's disturbed the group dynamics.

    We have already confirmed/paid deposits for a house next year and now I'm starting to think I should find different flatmates.

    But I just don't understand why it's made me so upset...

    Am I jealous?

    Am I just upset because it's effected the group dynamics?

    Or what?

    I feel like I've not really been trusted either because 2 of my other flatmates already knew and I was never told despite being super-close to them.

    Just massively confused and don't know what to do right now.
    Stop being so conservative about Sex they aren't even together in relationship just having some fun and why should that effect you?Its probably got to do with being jealous maybe you should try and become friends with benefits with another flatmate or ask whether you can get in on the act?
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    (Original post by Dalek1099)
    Stop being so conservative about Sex they aren't even together in relationship just having some fun and why should that effect you?Its probably got to do with being jealous maybe you should try and become friends with benefits with another flatmate or ask whether you can get in on the act?
    Maybe I am just being jealous.

    I'm male and did like the other male who is now in this 'friends with benefits' relationship.

    We half-flirted with each other but he is straight and he thinks I am too.

    I think my best option is to maybe find new housemates :/ Perhaps it's just that I don't like seeing him with someone else...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Maybe I am just being jealous.

    I'm male and did like the other male who is now in this 'friends with benefits' relationship.

    We half-flirted with each other but he is straight and he thinks I am too.

    I think my best option is to maybe find new housemates :/ Perhaps it's just that I don't like seeing him with someone else...
    Trying to find a partner might be a better solution to the jealousy as if you are getting to be with someone, others being friends with benefits won't be such an issue.
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    **** happens, you move on, life moves on. Gradually distance yourselves from them and find new friends if you continue being bothered by it.
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    I can understand how you feel. In a way your trust has been broken, because what you thought you knew about each other, you didn't, you were out of the loop. You don't all share something, they have a little something more. You're clearly in tune with social dynamics- like you say, it changed the group dynamic. And you're right to feel wary about moving in with them. Sleeping with housemates is 90% of the time a big no, and being in that environment will definitely be noisy (LOL) but also, potentially full of tension. But it doesn't have be the end, your friendship could get better. You need to bring it up with them- like you would have thought they would with you, just because it would have come up.

    Do you know why they kept it a secret?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can understand how you feel. In a way your trust has been broken, because what you thought you knew about each other, you didn't, you were out of the loop. You don't all share something, they have a little something more. You're clearly in tune with social dynamics- like you say, it changed the group dynamic. And you're right to feel wary about moving in with them. Sleeping with housemates is 90% of the time a big no, and being in that environment will definitely be noisy (LOL) but also, potentially full of tension. But it doesn't have be the end, your friendship could get better. You need to bring it up with them- like you would have thought they would with you, just because it would have come up.

    Do you know why they kept it a secret?
    I don't know :/ Without sounding arrogant I think I'm pretty much like the 'main guy' at the flat. Everyone seems to make the most effort with me and a lot call me their favourite flatmate so I just don't understand.

    I just thought we were like a family but now it's as if the purity of the group has now been smashed.

    Really don't know what to do.
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    You all sound quite immature tbh. Get over yourselves.
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    (Original post by Tom_Ford)
    You all sound quite immature tbh. Get over yourselves.
    :goaway:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :goaway:

    At least have the balls to not have to anonymise yourself.
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    (Original post by Tom_Ford)
    At least have the balls to not have to anonymise yourself.
    Attachment 358451
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    Learn to attach properly.
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    (Original post by Tom_Ford)
    Learn to attach properly.
    Just for you
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know :/ Without sounding arrogant I think I'm pretty much like the 'main guy' at the flat. Everyone seems to make the most effort with me and a lot call me their favourite flatmate so I just don't understand.

    I just thought we were like a family but now it's as if the purity of the group has now been smashed.

    Really don't know what to do.
    It may be possible that they see you as the "leader" of the group.
    Perhaps they felt that you may have disapproved of the sexual involvement between two of the flatmates.

    I would strongly advise against sexually involved people to live together however it has happened now so all you can do is hope that it doesn't come back to bite them.

    If you are frustrated about the exclusion, maybe you should share your feelings to one of the housemates and get their view on it?
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    (Original post by Lúcio)
    It may be possible that they see you as the "leader" of the group.
    Perhaps they felt that you may have disapproved of the sexual involvement between two of the flatmates.

    I would strongly advise against sexually involved people to live together however it has happened now so all you can do is hope that it doesn't come back to bite them.

    If you are frustrated about the exclusion, maybe you should share your feelings to one of the housemates and get their view on it?
    Why? people choose to live together when in a relationship eventually, I don't see how this is that much different to that.
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    (Original post by Dalek1099)
    Why? people choose to live together when in a relationship eventually, I don't see how this is that much different to that.
    The difference is that those people have built on the foundation of a relationship.
    They choose when the time is right to take that step.
    In this situation they have no choice, regardless of whether they're ready or not.

    Two of my current flatmates made this mistake, I'm telling you now it's not pretty.
    They didn't listen to me, they weren't ready and ultimately they paid the price.
    Unfortunately this means that everybody else in the house has to suffer too.
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    (Original post by Lúcio)
    The difference is that those people have built on the foundation of a relationship.
    They choose when the time is right to take that step.
    In this situation they have no choice, regardless of whether they're ready or not.

    Two of my current flatmates made this mistake, I'm telling you now it's not pretty.
    They didn't listen to me, they weren't ready and ultimately they paid the price.
    Unfortunately this means that everybody else in the house has to suffer too.

    Yeah , the fights. People don't suffer directly per se because the smart ones avoid it and realise that the whole group dynamic had been ruined anyway with the arguments between the two people who are ****ing. Problem is you get people running to you possibly needing a shoulder, reassurance, taking sides and that can lead to arguments in itself because everything said is potentially taken out of proportion. It is just a whole load of unnecessary background noise. But yeah, avoid that as much as you can imo.

    I was a bit harsh on OP as it can shift the group's atmosphere a lot, change is not always comfortable. Once you have been around for quite a long time, you learn when to just not get involved and to go out and live your life. Time in uni is way too short for that bull****. Blink and it is gone.
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    (Original post by Tom_Ford)
    Yeah , the fights. People don't suffer directly per se because the smart ones avoid it and realise that the whole group dynamic had been ruined anyway with the arguments between the two people who are ****ing. Problem is you get people running to you possibly needing a shoulder, reassurance, taking sides and that can lead to arguments in itself because everything said is potentially taken out of proportion. It is just a whole load of unnecessary background noise. But yeah, avoid that as much as you can imo.

    I was a bit harsh on OP as it can shift the group's atmosphere a lot, change is not always comfortable. Once you have been around for quite a long time, you learn when to just not get involved and to go out and live your life. Time in uni is way too short for that bull****. Blink and it is gone.
    Exactly, good post.

    Uni is an era in your life where so much happens in so little time.
    Everything is a rush really so you just go along with it.
    Deciding to live with people for an entire year after knowing them for only a few months?
    Seems like such a stupid idea, yet it happens to almost all of us.

    The problem I have personally is that the guy is my best mate and I hate the girl with a passion.
    But I am like anti-conflict so she thinks we're friends.
    I mean, the ***** broke up with my best mate then got back with her ex and brings him round all the time.
    Is she actually stupid enough to think I like her after that?

    She always tries to talk to me - I realllllly wanna tell her that I can't wait until the summer so I never have to see her again, but instead I just suck it up and avoid arguments as best I can.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know :/ Without sounding arrogant I think I'm pretty much like the 'main guy' at the flat. Everyone seems to make the most effort with me and a lot call me their favourite flatmate so I just don't understand.

    I just thought we were like a family but now it's as if the purity of the group has now been smashed.

    Really don't know what to do.
    You sound like a tool
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    (Original post by Lúcio)
    Exactly, good post.

    Uni is an era in your life where so much happens in so little time.
    Everything is a rush really so you just go along with it.
    Deciding to live with people for an entire year after knowing them for only a few months?
    Seems like such a stupid idea, yet it happens to almost all of us.

    The problem I have personally is that the guy is my best mate and I hate the girl with a passion.
    But I am like anti-conflict so she thinks we're friends.
    I mean, the ***** broke up with my best mate then got back with her ex and brings him round all the time.
    Is she actually stupid enough to think I like her after that?


    She always tries to talk to me - I realllllly wanna tell her that I can't wait until the summer so I never have to see her again, but instead I just suck it up and avoid arguments as best I can.

    Is she hot? Bet she's easy peasy, sounds like a whore. Jimmy G would close that deal in seconds.
 
 
 
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