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What the hell do I do?
I can't believe I'm in this situation...
I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We genuinely have a wonderful relationship; we're very very happy together, he constantly tells me how much he loves me and makes plans for the future. I'm away at university, so we can't always see each other as much as we'd like, but we spend most of our time together when I'm home, and things - I thought - were amazing.
I admit that I was being nosy, and I shouldn't have done this, but today I logged into his Internet e-mail - not for any particular reason as I felt I trusted him implicitly, but genuinely just being nosy. And I know I shouldn't. But there was an e-mail there, from today. He'd signed up to a dating site. And I looked at it. He's filled in a profile which describes him as 'looking for some fun'. He has ticked two boxes under 'looking for' which say: 'I'm up for some chat and flirting. I want to contact new people and see where it goes!' and ''A date! I'm free this weekend. A meal and a drink with someone new would be perfect'.
I am shaking from head to toe. I feel sick. This may seem so silly, but I have an amazing relationship with this man, and have done for over 18 months. He's told me I'm the love of his life and he wants to marry me. What the hell is he doing? I don't know if I can just let this go, but of course, how can I say I found out? Please help. I know this is stupid but I feel like my world is crashing down.
I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We genuinely have a wonderful relationship; we're very very happy together, he constantly tells me how much he loves me and makes plans for the future. I'm away at university, so we can't always see each other as much as we'd like, but we spend most of our time together when I'm home, and things - I thought - were amazing.
I admit that I was being nosy, and I shouldn't have done this, but today I logged into his Internet e-mail - not for any particular reason as I felt I trusted him implicitly, but genuinely just being nosy. And I know I shouldn't. But there was an e-mail there, from today. He'd signed up to a dating site. And I looked at it. He's filled in a profile which describes him as 'looking for some fun'. He has ticked two boxes under 'looking for' which say: 'I'm up for some chat and flirting. I want to contact new people and see where it goes!' and ''A date! I'm free this weekend. A meal and a drink with someone new would be perfect'.
I am shaking from head to toe. I feel sick. This may seem so silly, but I have an amazing relationship with this man, and have done for over 18 months. He's told me I'm the love of his life and he wants to marry me. What the hell is he doing? I don't know if I can just let this go, but of course, how can I say I found out? Please help. I know this is stupid but I feel like my world is crashing down.
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ruairí
i'd put my money on it being a friend playing a joke on him
i've done it as a lame ass joke a few times.
i've done it as a lame ass joke a few times.
Unfortunately for various reasons I know for certain it's him.
dh00001
ask him what he is doing over the weekend or something. ideally you need him to admit/explain for himself, dont tell him you were on his email! and dont go on it again.
I know it doesn't mean he's actually *doing* anything, and I know he's not going to randomly admit to me that he's joined a dating site. But why the hell would he sign up?
Well, no, you can't just let it go. It sounds like he intends to cheat on you!
I think you have to confront him about it. Its irrelevant how you found out, he may try and hold it against you, but being nosy hardly compares to trying to arrange a date for the weekend.
I wouldn't know what to do in your situation either. I hope things work out for you
I think you have to confront him about it. Its irrelevant how you found out, he may try and hold it against you, but being nosy hardly compares to trying to arrange a date for the weekend.
I wouldn't know what to do in your situation either. I hope things work out for you
Anonymous
i'm in exactly the same situation as you at the moment - couple of weeks ago i logged onto his email and found lots of emails from websites called singles365 and sexsearch etc - saw his profiles for both - though he admitted to being in a relationship he put it as looking for "anything" and "threesomes, orgies etc," upset me a lot
so far i haven't done anything about it, he constantly tells me how much he loves me and wants to marry me but am planning to ask him about it when he comes to visit me at uni this weekend
advice? maybe just try and ask him about it? i know i've been trying to tell myself that he's just after more friends and is perfectly happy with me but still need to know why he'd do it i guess
so far i haven't done anything about it, he constantly tells me how much he loves me and wants to marry me but am planning to ask him about it when he comes to visit me at uni this weekend
advice? maybe just try and ask him about it? i know i've been trying to tell myself that he's just after more friends and is perfectly happy with me but still need to know why he'd do it i guess
I really really feel for you. I feel sick to my stomach, this is horrible
I just looked at the site, and there's a 'friendship' option, but he didn't tick it. It goes against every single thing he has always said to me about trust, and commitment, and our future.How are you going to confront your boyfriend about it?
Oh my goodness! My heart goes out to you sweetheart. You have to talk to him, because the more you keep it in, the more it's going to hurt you. You should both sit down and you should ask him, "Is there something you need to tell me?" Two reactions maybe:
1.He tries to sweet talk you out of it
2.He might be defensive and asking you if you don't trust him.
Also you can ask something like "Have you been seeing/dating anyone?" Watch out for his reaction. If you don't get anything out of him then confront him. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but if he is a good man, he won't get angry about you going into his emails, if he is ashamed and didn't want you to find out, he will look for a way to turn it against you by saying something like "why were you going through my emails in the first place" Either way you should talk about it. Remind him on how long you have been together and what you have been through together. Maybe there is an issue that he is not addressing to you, ask me to talk to you. Don't sound angry because that will make him angry too, which will get both of you no where. I can imagine what's going through you head at the moment, but don't panick or shout at him, or start an argument. Just sit down calmly and address what you saw and ask him about it, for example "how long have you been doing this" "why" etc.
Hope that helps.
Good luck with it.
1.He tries to sweet talk you out of it
2.He might be defensive and asking you if you don't trust him.
Also you can ask something like "Have you been seeing/dating anyone?" Watch out for his reaction. If you don't get anything out of him then confront him. This will not be as easy as it sounds, but if he is a good man, he won't get angry about you going into his emails, if he is ashamed and didn't want you to find out, he will look for a way to turn it against you by saying something like "why were you going through my emails in the first place" Either way you should talk about it. Remind him on how long you have been together and what you have been through together. Maybe there is an issue that he is not addressing to you, ask me to talk to you. Don't sound angry because that will make him angry too, which will get both of you no where. I can imagine what's going through you head at the moment, but don't panick or shout at him, or start an argument. Just sit down calmly and address what you saw and ask him about it, for example "how long have you been doing this" "why" etc.
Hope that helps.
Good luck with it.
Deoh
Well, no, you can't just let it go. It sounds like he intends to cheat on you!
I think you have to confront him about it. Its irrelevant how you found out, he may try and hold it against you, but being nosy hardly compares to trying to arrange a date for the weekend.
I wouldn't know what to do in your situation either. I hope things work out for you
I think you have to confront him about it. Its irrelevant how you found out, he may try and hold it against you, but being nosy hardly compares to trying to arrange a date for the weekend.
I wouldn't know what to do in your situation either. I hope things work out for you
Yes, that's true; but if it somehow IS innocent (I know it's so unlikely, but I am holding out some tiny hope, this man has been more than I could have asked for all through our relationship), then me looking through his e-mail will become a bigger issue.
Thank you for replying. I just can't stop shaking. He'll ring me tonight when he gets in from work and I don't know how to talk to him normally
swirl
Join the site yourself under a pseudonym and contact him. Maybe he's after some conversation out of pure curiosity. Either way, test how far it goes, and therein, your answer will lie.
No one else can really tell you what's happening. You're the one who knows him.
No one else can really tell you what's happening. You're the one who knows him.
Hmmmm, that's actually a good idea. I would have never thought of that.
swirl
Join the site yourself under a pseudonym and contact him. Maybe he's after some conversation out of pure curiosity. Either way, test how far it goes, and therein, your answer will lie.
No one else can really tell you what's happening. You're the one who knows him.
No one else can really tell you what's happening. You're the one who knows him.
do that, maybe its just spam
swirl
Join the site yourself under a pseudonym and contact him. Maybe he's after some conversation out of pure curiosity. Either way, test how far it goes, and therein, your answer will lie.
No one else can really tell you what's happening. You're the one who knows him.
No one else can really tell you what's happening. You're the one who knows him.
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately I had tried it but you have to pay to be able to send messages on it. (He hasn't paid either - yet, anyway. Maybe if he doesn't that suggests he's only looking and isn't going to do anything? But then why why why would he join?)
HeadShock
do that, maybe its just spam
It's not spam sadly. He's filled in all his details on the site.
bring it up scarcastically in a conversation, just mention it to him that you generally dislike dating sites and people getting together over the tinternet, and see what he says about it. you'll be able to tell if he agrees (and happens to have opened this account as a joke, or shuts it down) or yeah..
swirl
Join the site yourself under a pseudonym and contact him. Maybe he's after some conversation out of pure curiosity. Either way, test how far it goes, and therein, your answer will lie.
Noo, don't do that. It just sounds like a bad idea. It would be entrapment and I don't know if the relationship could ever recover after that.
Anonymous
my plan is to say that an old friend emailed me suggesting that they'd seen a profile of him on this website and then just leave the rest up to him
I think thats a far better idea if you are too embarrased about going through his emails.
I don't think you should second guess yourself anon. It sounds like he is in the wrong, from what you're telling us its far from innocent.
does he know u have his email password?
its hard to tell what he's up to, maybe he really is up to something or maybe he was just messing around in the website with no intention of doing anything. i'd think/hope its the second
its hard to tell what he's up to, maybe he really is up to something or maybe he was just messing around in the website with no intention of doing anything. i'd think/hope its the second
this is so creepy. the exact same thing happened to me a few months ago. i just confronted him, things were dodgy for a couple of days, but we made up pretty quickly.
Hmm tough one. I've experienced something very similar and it's awful. I know just how sick it makes you feel.
When I discovered it I was at his house, and his friends and family were all there and it was really awkward, cos I just wanted to speak to him about it but I couldnt get him alone. So i just felt sick and didn't say anything to him. We finally got a minute and I just confronted him. He went a bit white.
Yeah the issue came up about invasion of privacy, but tbh that is the least of your troubles if he's doing that. What about invasion of trust?
Just confront him...
When I discovered it I was at his house, and his friends and family were all there and it was really awkward, cos I just wanted to speak to him about it but I couldnt get him alone. So i just felt sick and didn't say anything to him. We finally got a minute and I just confronted him. He went a bit white.
Yeah the issue came up about invasion of privacy, but tbh that is the least of your troubles if he's doing that. What about invasion of trust?
Just confront him...
Hooke's Law
does he know u have his email password?
its hard to tell what he's up to, maybe he really is up to something or maybe he was just messing around in the website with no intention of doing anything. i'd think/hope its the second
its hard to tell what he's up to, maybe he really is up to something or maybe he was just messing around in the website with no intention of doing anything. i'd think/hope its the second
Yeah, he told me his password a couple of months ago when he needed to get me to send a file for him. I don't think he'd expect me to remember/use it again mind you, but it's not like I found it out secretly.
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