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Would You Make Your Partner Get Tested First? watch

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    I've always been really worried about the risk of STIs, I just remember hearing in health class about people with syphilis and HIV and such. I have only had casual sex once and it was with someone I knew well (that doesn't make a difference though I'm just saying) but I don't really want to again, at least not at this point in my life. I hope in the future I'll meet someone and want to be with them intimately (currently having mixed feelings about sex, it's complicated) but I'd be torn between trusting they're clean and wanting them to get tested.
    So would you make your partner/FWB get tested before sex? How would you go about broaching the subject?
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    Everyone has their own attitude to risk and if you're not comfortable with being sexual with someone without (both of you) testing, that's your boundary. You raise it when you're talking about what you enjoy sexually and what you'd like to try and what your expectations are around things like monogamy and...

    Personally, I am happy to rely on 'condoms for penetration' being enough protection. I accept that there is a risk they may fail, and that there are things you can catch anyway. For sex without condoms, I'd want testing (and other contraception sorted if necessary) and trust.

    Just trusting wouldn't work for me - as well as not everyone being trustworthy, there are plenty of people who have something and don't know it.

    But what I'd be happy with doesn't matter: see first paragraph
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    It is perfectly reasonable to ask a partner to get tested.

    When me and my partner wanted to stop using condoms, we both got tested and showed each other the results.

    Even when me and him were just casual I asked for proof of recent clean results and he asked the same (despite us using condoms). Two adults should be able to talk about this freely with out it being awkward. You're just looking out for your health. Not accusing them of anything.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    Everyone has their own attitude to risk and if you're not comfortable with being sexual with someone without (both of you) testing, that's your boundary. You raise it when you're talking about what you enjoy sexually and what you'd like to try and what your expectations are around things like monogamy and...

    Personally, I am happy to rely on 'condoms for penetration' being enough protection. I accept that there is a risk they may fail, and that there are things you can catch anyway. For sex without condoms, I'd want testing (and other contraception sorted if necessary) and trust.

    Just trusting wouldn't work for me - as well as not everyone being trustworthy, there are plenty of people who have something and don't know it.

    But what I'd be happy with doesn't matter: see first paragraph
    That does sound reasonable, though I haven't trusted condoms since when I lost my virginity we used one and it came off pretty quick (as in it slipped) off. I was on the pill and wasn't too worried but ever since then I've never trusted them.

    (Original post by SnooFnoo)
    It is perfectly reasonable to ask a partner to get tested.

    When me and my partner wanted to stop using condoms, we both got tested and showed each other the results.

    Even when me and him were just casual I asked for proof of recent clean results and he asked the same (despite us using condoms). Two adults should be able to talk about this freely with out it being awkward. You're just looking out for your health. Not accusing them of anything.
    I guess if a guy did flip or make a big deal out of the request it would be a bit of a warning sign.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That does sound reasonable, though I haven't trusted condoms since when I lost my virginity we used one and it came off pretty quick (as in it slipped) off. I was on the pill and wasn't too worried but ever since then I've never trusted them.



    I guess if a guy did flip or make a big deal out of the request it would be a bit of a warning sign.
    Exactly. It's always okay to ask for a knob swab before doing the deed.
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    (Original post by SnooFnoo)
    Exactly. It's always okay to ask for a knob swab before doing the deed.

    Still gonna be pretty awkward...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Still gonna be pretty awkward...
    Are you talking about a guy you're dating or just casual encounters?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That does sound reasonable, though I haven't trusted condoms since when I lost my virginity we used one and it came off pretty quick (as in it slipped) off. I was on the pill and wasn't too worried but ever since then I've never trusted them.
    Condom failure is almost always down to not using them properly. Either that one wasn't put on properly or he went considerably softer and didn't take this as a clue to stop for a bit.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Still gonna be pretty awkward...
    More than being sexual with someone for the first time?

    If you can't talk about this sort of stuff with someone, it's a sign that you might think again about having sex with them.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    Condom failure is almost always down to not using them properly. Either that one wasn't put on properly or he went considerably softer and didn't take this as a clue to stop for a bit.



    More than being sexual with someone for the first time?

    If you can't talk about this sort of stuff with someone, it's a sign that you might think again about having sex with them.
    Yeah I'm sure it was user error... I remember thinking it looked wayyy too small as he put it on, perhaps that was it?
    That's true, good point... The only boyfriend I had I knew for a couple years before we were together and so I've never really actually "dated" bc we just kinda got together...So hopefully when I meet someone I'll eventually become comfortable enough with them to talk openly about this stuff.
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    It's a good idea. You're not saying you don't trust him, but anyone with previous sexual partners is at risk, and of course there aren't always symptoms of STIs, so you never know whether he has one or not. You should do a test too, just to be certain. As I say, better to be safe than sorry. Always.

    If he won't do it, carry on using condoms. And consider why he might be refusing.
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    It's a good idea. You're not saying you don't trust him, but anyone with previous sexual partners is at risk, and of course there aren't always symptoms of STIs, so you never know whether he has one or not. You should do a test too, just to be certain. As I say, better to be safe than sorry. Always.

    If he won't do it, carry on using condoms. And consider why he might be refusing.
    I think if someone refused I would be very suspicious, both of whether they're hiding something or just someone I would want to be with.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think if someone refused I would be very suspicious, both of whether they're hiding something or just someone I would want to be with.
    Yeah, that's what I'd think. I think if someone loves you enough (which, as old fashioned as it sounds, they should before you have sex) they would do it. If he refuses, talk to him about it - he may just be embarrassed about the thought of the actual test.
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    Yeah, that's what I'd think. I think if someone loves you enough (which, as old fashioned as it sounds, they should before you have sex) they would do it. If he refuses, talk to him about it - he may just be embarrassed about the thought of the actual test.
    Hmmm love before sex...a foreign concept to me. I wonder if it's bad that I'd feel bad making a guy wait a long time? Going off topic slightly... but for several reasons I've been feeling very torn over the idea of sex...it's like part of me thinks it's disgusting/is scared and the other part is horny, ahaha.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmmm love before sex...a foreign concept to me. I wonder if it's bad that I'd feel bad making a guy wait a long time? Going off topic slightly... but for several reasons I've been feeling very torn over the idea of sex...it's like part of me thinks it's disgusting/is scared and the other part is horny, ahaha.
    Whatever you feel about it isn't bad. Just because I prefer to wait doesn't mean everyone else should. Although I would say that you should make sure you want to do it before you do.. you might regret it if you lose your virginity to the wrong person - but only you can decide .

    It's normal to feel scared though. Even when you're with the perfect person!
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    (Original post by xoxAngel_Kxox)
    Whatever you feel about it isn't bad. Just because I prefer to wait doesn't mean everyone else should. Although I would say that you should make sure you want to do it before you do.. you might regret it if you lose your virginity to the wrong person - but only you can decide .

    It's normal to feel scared though. Even when you're with the perfect person!
    Oh, well I'm not a virgin I just feel inexperienced on the count of never having a relationship where we worked up to sex. I kinda skipped most of the bases when I lost my virginity and with my first/last bf we had sex before we got together....
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmmm love before sex...a foreign concept to me.
    For what it's worth, 'sex first, emotional stuff later' has been my pattern too. Now I am back dating following the end of a long-term relationship, it's amusing and a tiny bit frustrating that not everyone sees that it's the sensible path

    Going off topic slightly... but for several reasons I've been feeling very torn over the idea of sex...it's like part of me thinks it's disgusting/is scared and the other part is horny, ahaha.
    Ah, this is one reason why condoms are great. At least if you have my attitude that they're sufficient protection.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    For what it's worth, 'sex first, emotional stuff later' has been my pattern too. Now I am back dating following the end of a long-term relationship, it's amusing and a tiny bit frustrating that not everyone sees that it's the sensible path


    sex then emotional stuff is sensible? I would prefer to work up to it in my next relationship.

    Ah, this is one reason why condoms are great. At least if you have my attitude that they're sufficient protection.
    I just don't like the idea of "my number" getting any bigger.
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    Well, I've only had one sexual partner - my boyfriend of 4 years and I didn't have to "make him" get tested; he wanted to because it's the right, safe thing to do.

    I wouldn't have felt comfortable having sex unless he had been tested - condoms can fail and STIs should be taken seriously.
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    (Original post by Plumstone)
    Well, I've only had one sexual partner - my boyfriend of 4 years and I didn't have to "make him" get tested; he wanted to because it's the right, safe thing to do.

    I wouldn't have felt comfortable having sex unless he had been tested - condoms can fail and STIs should be taken seriously.
    Wow, that's great. I haven't known any guys who did that. Hopefully I can find someone with similar ideas.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Wow, that's great. I haven't known any guys who did that. Hopefully I can find someone with similar ideas.
    Well, my boyfriend is one in a billion!

    Seriously, though; I don't understand why people are so reluctant to get tested. It's free and relatively easy and our health is so precious! STIs can cause huge amounts of damage, particularly if left untreated: chlamydia can cause infertility and HIV can obviously ruin people's lives, just to give two obvious examples.

    If everyone always got tested before sleeping with someone new, then people with infections could get them treated and everyone would be able to protect their health better.

    Personally, I would never put myself at risk by having sex with someone who hadn't been tested and cleared first and if they refused, then I'd question whether they were really the kind of person I wanted to sleep with at all.

    I hope you find yourself as great a man as I did!
 
 
 
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