Lost, shocked & cheated. Please advise..

Hi everyone!

I'm not sure where to start, to make a long story short, I was in a relationship with a guy I had met online for over two years. We have been through many rough patches together and I even boarded a flight to USA to be with him for one whole month. We got engaged, completely in love and happy..until..we both started working a few months ago.
It was just last week, he finally revealed the first shocking secret he'd been hiding from me. I was upset that he had been lying to me but after all this time, I've come to love him whole heartedly, whether he drinks, gambles or even uses drugs, I can't hate him, deep down, I know I can always forgive him and that's what I did..I tried to be as understanding as possible, considering his situation, I even tried to comfort him and gave him support, disregarding my own feelings. Then a few days ago, BAM!!! It hit me like a double-sided blade, with no mercy. Tuesday night, he had gone to a party...so he says but by Wednesday afternoon, he still hadn't called me. I grew worried as he usually calls, so I ended up digging my own grave. Although it was over the fone, the words stabbed me so deep, I forgot to breathe for a while. Even now, I can still hear the careless words, ringing in my head, saying over and over:

"I had a few drinks, made out with this girl...and you know where that leads!?"..."Who do you think it was?"..."Yeah, the girl from my workplace, I like her, she's fun to be with!"..."If you fly over here now, I'd feel stuck!"..."I still love you!"...

I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to think...so I managed to find my voice & coughed up the only word I dreaded most.. "Goodbye" and hung up before I could allow any tears to fall. How could he say he love me completely and go sleep with someone else? How can he still say those three sacred words so easily? How could he even tell me about what he did with her so carelessly as though his actions were nothing at all? I still don't understand.

Friday morning, I received an sms on my fone.."Pls don't hate me!"
It made my whole day at work so horrible! The last few days since that fone conversation, I've been keeping myself together, trying to focus on just work and work so hard to keep my mind occupied and I've been coping fine until I foolishly opened that msg and read it. All of friday, I kept making so many mistakes at work, and even found myself close to tears. My heart had been aching as though it had been pierced over and over...but I tried my best to keep strong, so I refused to cry, no matter what! Then Saturday, I received an email from him...

"miss you, hope you're ok. i would like to talk with you sometime..i check my mail everyday...ive been going out alot last few days, not with "her" but just with friends to help myself not think about everything..please take good care of yourself, i will always love you"

It hurts. All of his words seems like a big lie to me now. All those promises he made, he was even planning to fly over here to be together until summer's over and when he start studying again, we had planned for me to move over there to be with him, to keep him happy and away from bad habits such as drinking...I was willing to sacrifice everything over here, my job, my house, and everyone I know...just to follow the only man I love b/c if he didnt' like it here, I would go with him to the ends of the earth.

Just this morning...he emailed me, since I've been ignorant to reply to any of his msgs..

"I guess i already lost you.., i truly am destined to be alone...i dont deserve you, i gave you up to try someone that doesnt even like me and now once again i am single and hate it...im sorry, i want to give up..."

I'm scared...not for myself but for him. I'm afraid to think of the path he may choose to take from here...I want to reach out to him, I still love him truly and deeply..but I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I don't quite understand if he still has any feelings for me or if he's just simply hanging on for now b/c there's no one else and he's feeling lost? What steps should I take to help him but at the same time, protect myself from being hurt? Does he still have me in his heart or have I already truly lost him for good? I'm scared he'll do things that he will regret in the future. All I want now is for him to be happy and by then I'll be at peace and able to move on...

Everyone, please give me your advise...I don't mind if it's simply a personal opinon. I'd really appreciate any view points at this stage.

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Reply 20

huggi3s

GAH, I'm so sorry everyone. I've really gone and done it this time. Firstly, I was worried and 2ndly, I wanted to hear his true feelings, from the man himself. Tonight, I finally lost my strength & called him... heh, such a foolish person I am.

At the start, when he first picked up, I was still sounding confident and strong willed and basically said that the call is to make it official. After he started to say that maybe he should let me go so that I can be happy b/c he blew his chances & lost his dream girl for good, I began to dig deeper into my own grave...I practically couldn't stop my stubborness so I went right ahead and put words in his mouth and said it aloud for him that "SHE" is his dream girl & that he hasn't even fought to keep her yet so just b/c she don't remember a thing that happened between them that night, doesn't mean that she doesn't like him.
He then corrected me "she knows what happened, she just don't remember it". Gah it made me so mad to even hear him talk about it so I started to act like a counsellor and gave him advise to not give up on her, maybe she's just playin hard to get and well, if he truly likes her, fight for it and this time, stay loyal & also stop using drugs.

I know, I sounded pathetic but gosh I even wished them all the best of luck. Then to make matters worse, since he just said "sure" to everything I said about his feelings for her, I felt so angry that my pride took over and there I was, yapping on about meeting some new guy at work, which is true for this part but I guess my heart was hurting to the point where I felt like getting back at him. So...I added that I was so happy today b/c my horoscope rang true, that I did have a chance encounter with this "cute" guy at work... and that etc...GeeBUZ, I don't know why I made it sounded like I have fallen for this new guy?!?

After all my silly giggles and chit chat about the guy at work, he interrupted me and said he needed to sleep for work tomorrow. *sighs* I so regret calling him up and even more, I've been feeling regret for the 2yrs loss of my youth.. I have missed out on lots of things and wasted so much time for nothing. I do want to forget him, I do want to be happy...but why can't I forget? Why can't I stop thinking about him?

I guess I found out one thing for certain tonight...that is he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't care about me anymore, just wants to be on friendship lvl b/c he's done with me, it's over. It pains. It kills. It's bitter but I'm smiling, I still haven't been able to shed a single tear. Is it b/c I'm keeping strong or is there something wrong with me? Have I lost my mind to the point where I sat here lying about my own feelings and wishing him happiness with that girl?

Perhaps...I'm just being hopeful, perhaps reality is there's no one out there for me, who would take me for who I truly am..and love me honestly & faithfully...no, there isn't.

I do feel stupid now, for not listening to all your wise opinions & advise.. I'm sorry! =(

Reply 21

Leisure17

Well, you ended it, didn't you.
Even though you didn't give him all he deserved you made it clear that you don't want him anymore and, what is more important: you found out that what he was telling you in the mails was a load of crap. He does not really care for you. All he cares for is himself.
You are well rid of him. Of course it hurts, but be happy that you have so many good things in front of you.

Reply 22

huggi3s

Hi Everyone!

Thank you for everything. I admit it still does hurt deeply but when at work, I feel that I'm a much stronger person than I could ever imagine before. I have learnt a great deal from this bad incident and perhaps I won't be able to forget it for good, however, thanks to this forum..allowing me to unload all my emotions and having so many wonderful people to talk to like this has helped me gained alot more confidence to look forward to the future.

Thank you for all your beautiful advise & opinions. I truly appreciate everyone's kind thoughts from the bottom of my heart.

I will take this experience with me and try to also participate more in other forums to help others who are in need of advise...

Here is my final msg for everyone, to end this thread, my friend at work sent it to me during one of my depressing moments...

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward" by Thomas Edison

Reply 23

Red Thunder

Send him to the North Pole.

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