i dont know if this counts as mental health but hey
basically im really stressed and worried about life
like i find it really hard to imagine something good happening to me or ending well?
when i reflect back on my life so far i find it hard to remember a time when i was really happy. i have no idea what could even make me happy.
I was quite happy after my gcses because my results were pretty good, but thats so pathetic that most of my happiness seems to depend on my academic achievements being above average, and now at A2 im so exhausted and stressed and bored of school and so sure i wont get that same feeling after this year's results day.
even if i do get into my firm choice of uni i feel doubtful i can be happy. i just cant imagine it. its just more work, and its for English lit, which makes me v nervous about job prospects. i know, people say that 'of course english is employable!' but for what? what kind of job? ive always wanted to do something creative, like being a writer, but ive kind of realised i dont really have the tenacity to pursue something like that. recently ive just been going for the easiest option in everything.
my parents stress me out a bit. neither of them went to uni, and neither of them like their jobs. neither of them seem happy, theyre constantly worried about money. my mum even once told me to never have kids because all it is is pain. my sister did a degree in fine art and is as good as unemployed. i dont want to end up unhappy. i really want to do something i enjoy in life, i just dont know what it is and now is such an important time. if i make the wrong decision now, or do the 'wrong' degree to do what i want then what? i can tell my mum wants me not to do english. she doesnt say it though.
i just feel so hopeless and pessimistic and i have no idea how other people manage to be happy. i hate school because im stressed, but then i hate holidays and weekends because i get all lonely and i dont know what to do with myself. i hate staying at home doing nothing, but i hate going out. i get lonely but when i see my friends they just annoy me. nothing makes me happy and it really scares me. i dont know what to do and i feel so uncertain. pretty much every time i talk i regret what i said and feel like an idiot, even with my closest friends and family.
Would you pay less for a humanities degree?