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Help - What's my move ? watch

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    I very recently met a girl and I have developed very strong feelings for her ( I've been here before and I know this is not trivial). The thing is I'd like to get to know her a little better before taking the relationship to the next stage.

    The problem is I feel that she feels just as strong as I do and every time I see her, I fear I won't be able to resist and I will touch her, once that happens there's no turning back, which could be a mistake if we don't know each other well enough.


    Am I being clear ? Advise please !
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    Get to know her of course, surely you know what questions to ask, whether they're appropriate etc. (Of course, you have to resist the urge to touch someone you don't really know; if you can't, ask to hold her hand)
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    Get to know her of course, surely you know what questions to ask, whether they're appropriate etc. (Of course, you have to resist the urge to touch someone you don't really know; if you can't, ask to hold her hand)
    Hi, Thanks for the reply.

    Yes I do know the questions to ask but it is hard to control. I definitely have thought about holding her hand but if I do that our feelings are going to escalate and if we don't escalate the relationship then we are just going to pine for each other even more.

    If I ask her out: would she not assume that is taking it to the next stage and if so I don't think i could let her down and I would by default have to do that.

    FYI, have been down this road before with these HI - intensity, HI - passion relationships and most of them crash and burn after an initial high.

    Obviously I don't want that again and I figured the mistake previously was we didn't really know each other that well so this is why I am trying to get to know her a little better first but because the attraction is strong it is difficult.
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    Just get to know her, if you want to ask her out stick with it. When you feel you know a lot about her just bring up who you or her likes in general conversation.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just get to know her, if you want to ask her out stick with it. When you feel you know a lot about her just bring up who you or her likes in general conversation.

    Sorry but how does who we like advance the relationship ?

    [ not being sarcastic but genuinely not understand your suggestion ]
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    Have you met the girl again since you posted?
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    Have you met the girl again since you posted?
    Yeah I have.

    I have found out more about her. I think she has a quite a few personal problems mainly stemming from her family ( yeah what's new these days ? ) and I reckon she could have depression problems. Her weight seems to fluctuate a lot and so do her moods. She also displayed jealousy over non issues. I openly declared that a couple of female friends I had are platonic. These are people I've known for more than a decade so it is rock solid to say I will never get with them - they are friends only. i thought that her saying that was bit underhand.

    My feelings for her are still strong and I want to help her get over her problems but the thing is I tend to attract women like this and after a while they seem to drain me emotionally leaving an empty shell with nothing left for myself.( think crash and burn)

    Also I want to get to know her more but like I say if I ask her out, she will want to escalate things and I don't think I could resist that. We meet as a group on a regular basis btw, do you think I should just stick to this till I get to know her better.
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    Yeah, the "person with a stinking attitude arising from problems which (s)he believes are not his/her fault" is very hard to deal with. If that is what their character is defined as, sadly they shouldn't have friends. Since not only are their behaviours irrational, they dare to rationalize their behaviours (make excuses) and this is not a kind of person you'd want to be around.
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    Sounds like someone who should perhaps be helped with her problems either by a professional or else at arm's length, particularly if you have a woeful record
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    Sounds like someone who should perhaps be helped with her problems either by a professional or else at arm's length, particularly if you have a woeful record
    Interesting. More or less what I thought.

    BTW regarding the record, in the past I did not understand the nature of these women's problems so whilst I was a BF / lover I didn't really know how to help.

    If I get involved this time I'll be in better shape. I do know that pro help is the best but I know if I try help I will probably get personally involved. That's the problem
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    Sounds like someone who should perhaps be helped with her problems either by a professional or else at arm's length, particularly if you have a woeful record
    Forget to add : do you think these kind of women subconsciously target guys like me ? if you know what I mean ?
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    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    Yeah, the "person with a stinking attitude arising from problems which (s)he believes are not his/her fault" is very hard to deal with. If that is what their character is defined as, sadly they shouldn't have friends. Since not only are their behaviours irrational, they dare to rationalize their behaviours (make excuses) and this is not a kind of person you'd want to be around.
    I hear you but it's little different from what you described. her ' bad ' attitude stems not from her but from her parents but her problem is that she does not want to do anything about it.

    Do you think such a person could ever face up to her parents even with sincere help from her BF ?
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    Does she attempt to rationalize her "bad" behaviours? Does she show any kind of remorse for committing a "wrong" behaviour? If so (for the former) and not (for the latter), that says everything you need to know. It's up to her to change, and if she doesn't want to, she is best avoided.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    If I get involved this time I'll be in better shape. I do know that pro help is the best but I know if I try help I will probably get personally involved. That's the problem
    Well, at least you're prepared, I guess. The problem I would have is that I have a very no-nonsense approach to relationships, which may not be best for someone facing delicate issues/sensitivities. You can't really tell people to 'pull themselves together', and that 'their insecurity is making them unattractive/you don't want to be in a relationship with a child'.. in those circumstances. Flip side is that as a partner you are well placed to deliver strong leadership and help them avoid relapses

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Forget to add : do you think these kind of women subconsciously target guys like me? if you know what I mean?
    It's human nature to fill voids, and gravitate towards people with whom our interests/issues gain traction, so yes, often the case
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    Well, at least you're prepared, I guess. The problem I would have is that I have a very no-nonsense approach to relationships, which may not be best for someone facing delicate issues/sensitivities. You can't really tell people to 'pull themselves together', and that 'their insecurity is making them unattractive/you don't want to be in a relationship with a child'.. in those circumstances. Flip side is that as a partner you are well placed to deliver strong leadership and help them avoid relapses

    It's human nature to fill voids, and gravitate towards people with whom our interests/issues gain traction, so yes, often the case

    The 1st part is spot on ! I am basically the same I too am a straight talking, direct guy and find it difficult to temper my style for delicate people.

    Of course you're right, at the end of the day only they can stop being a child and grow up we can only lead and help ( if they allow it) but often these problems stem from family conflict as the case here and many times they don't have the guts to confront their parents.

    As a partner I fear I'd let feelings get in the way and compromise the role of being a
    leader..
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    often these problems stem from family conflict as the case here and many times they don't have the guts to confront their parents
    I had an ex who had issues at home. It was difficult not to get involved and she was still living at home so I had to be very measured. Have to watch (divisive) 'them and us' attitudes don't develop, kids need their parents and parents rarely need much of an excuse to take a dim view of a boyfriend (esp fathers)..

    As a partner I fear I'd let feelings get in the way and compromise the role of being a leader..
    Then it's probably best to let other people help them with their issues and just be there as a supportive friend or partner. A potential problem I have with leadership is that I forget that not everyone is like me e.g. stoical/rational/perspicacious. It's all very well demonstrating these things but if the other person hasn't been on the same journey/is cut from a different cloth it may actually be unhelpful e.g. a (further) source of inadequacy/generating a dependency issue
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    I had an ex who had issues at home. It was difficult not to get involved and she was still living at home so I had to be very measured. Have to watch (divisive) 'them and us' attitudes don't develop, kids need their parents and parents rarely need much of an excuse to take a dim view of a boyfriend (esp fathers)..

    Then it's probably best to let other people help them with their issues and just be there as a supportive friend or partner. A potential problem I have with leadership is that I forget that not everyone is like me e.g. stoical/rational/perspicacious. It's all very well demonstrating these things but if the other person hasn't been on the same journey/is cut from a different cloth it may actually be unhelpful e.g. a (further) source of inadequacy/generating a dependency issue

    Well again the parallels are uncanny because this one IS living at home. So how did navigate your way in between her and her family ?

    But what if they won't accept they have a problem, how can experts help them when they won't be allowed to ?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well again the parallels are uncanny because this one IS living at home. So how did navigate your way in between her and her family?
    I never went over to hers, I rarely brought her family up and when I did I tried to stay out of it, and I never told her exactly what I thought of the behaviour of her parents - instead I expressed a wish for things to improve and offered the odd suggestion e.g. 'I think perhaps you should pick a calm moment to sit down with your mum and get her on board'

    But what if they won't accept they have a problem, how can experts help them when they won't be allowed to?
    Then the people in the life of the concerned individual have a duty to support them in so far as they are able of course, but where serious mental health issues are involved one should always refer them on to a professional like their GP. HCPs/MHCPs, and the pills they throw at people, are rarely 'the solution' however, and more often than not love, support and understanding are the best medicine
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    I never went over to hers, I rarely brought her family up and when I did I tried to stay out of it, and I never told her exactly what I thought of the behaviour of her parents - instead I expressed a wish for things to improve and offered the odd suggestion e.g. 'I think perhaps you should pick a calm moment to sit down with your mum and get her on board'

    Then the people in the life of the concerned individual have a duty to support them in so far as they are able of course, but where serious mental health issues are involved one should always refer them on to a professional like their GP. HCPs/MHCPs, and the pills they throw at people, are rarely 'the solution' however, and more often than not love, support and understanding are the best medicine

    I agree but the problem is that the people around her; ie) her parents ( minus myself since we are not a couple yet ) are mainly the cause of it from what I can see. She has a bad relationship with her father and the mother just sits there and does nothing about it. She's getting a body image disorder as a result.

    If I was in a relationship with her, I would try to speak to her dad which may work or not. If it does not then the problems will always be there until she has the gumption to do something about it.
 
 
 
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