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Confused about sexuality- am I a lesbian? watch

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    Hi
    I am an 19 year old girl and have been in a serious relationship with a guy for almost 3 years. At first our sex life was really great but slowly it has been diminishing and for the last few months we have hardly had sex at all and when we do I find it really painful. This is wholly my fault as I have completely no sex drive and never feel like having sex with him or doing anything sexual. This makes him really upset and it is affecting our relationship really badly although neither of us will fully admit it. I always thought it was because of my low sex drive but lately I've been thinking that maybe I am just not attracted to him at all.
    I've kissed a girl before and.. I liked it. He doesn't mind if I kiss other girls, he doesn't think it's cheating I guess because he thinks I'm straight. I do find girls sexually attractive but I have no idea what this means- maybe I am just bi?? Sometimes I think I'd rather be with a girl than a guy and I find the thought of a relationship with a girl exciting and appealing. How do I know if I'm a lesbian? It sounds so stupid but I just can't get this thought out of my head.
    The problem is, I don't want to break up him - I do love him, but I'm not sure in which way. It would absolutely break his heart as we have talked of spending the rest of our lives together. I don't want to leave the comfortable bubble of our relationship, but if I really am gay I can't keep lying to him and myself.


    Any advice on what I should do? Should I talk to him? Should I try girls? How do I know if I'm gay? Any people had similar experiences ?
    Thanks xxx
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    If you're attracted to girls try em out I guess.

    First question is are you attracted to any other guys?
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    You're definitely not the only person to have questioned what sexuality you are. Most people are raised in a way that heterosexual is just considered the norm. I'm not an expert, nor have I personally been in your situation but I'd recommend maybe talking to your boyfriend about your concerns, if you feel comfortable enough to do that. If not, speak to someone you're close to and trust wouldn't judge - getting advice off the internet is fine but none of us probably really know you to offer more accurate help. Also, sexuality isn't just a "Yes, I definitely like boys/girls/both." It's a scale (here's a link to the Buzzfeed Kinsey Scale Test if you want to have a look.) so you may not be just 'straight', you might have 'lesbian' leanings or preferences?

    It could also just be that you're not as attracted to your boyfriend as you initially thought you were - I'm not trying to be offensive or confrontational - it's just a possibility. You might find the thought of relationships with girls "exciting" because of issues with your own, maybe not being as attracted to your boyfriend as you used to? I think it really depends on whether you find other boys sexually/romantically attractive too? Or, is it just girls?

    For the sex issue with your boyfriend, don't blame yourself for a lack of sex drive - it's not an entitlement or anything. It could be an issue of not being attracted to him, or it could be that a couple instances of finding it painful have put you off. Generally, if you get hurt doing something a couple of times, you become a bit leery or reluctant to do it again. That might be your issue. On the other hand, it could be a lack of foreplay issue... (I know it's personal, but something to consider, perhaps.)

    At the end of the day, it's up to you what to do. If you're not happy in your relationship then do something about it - easier said than done, I know. There's no surefire way to instantly know whether you're gay, straight, bi, pan... it's very much an individual choice. I hope I helped, at least a little bit...
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by LumosNox)
    You're definitely not the only person to have questioned what sexuality you are. Most people are raised in a way that heterosexual is just considered the norm. I'm not an expert, nor have I personally been in your situation but I'd recommend maybe talking to your boyfriend about your concerns, if you feel comfortable enough to do that. If not, speak to someone you're close to and trust wouldn't judge - getting advice off the internet is fine but none of us probably really know you to offer more accurate help. Also, sexuality isn't just a "Yes, I definitely like boys/girls/both." It's a scale (here's a link to the Buzzfeed Kinsey Scale Test if you want to have a look.) so you may not be just 'straight', you might have 'lesbian' leanings or preferences?

    It could also just be that you're not as attracted to your boyfriend as you initially thought you were - I'm not trying to be offensive or confrontational - it's just a possibility. You might find the thought of relationships with girls "exciting" because of issues with your own, maybe not being as attracted to your boyfriend as you used to? I think it really depends on whether you find other boys sexually/romantically attractive too? Or, is it just girls?

    For the sex issue with your boyfriend, don't blame yourself for a lack of sex drive - it's not an entitlement or anything. It could be an issue of not being attracted to him, or it could be that a couple instances of finding it painful have put you off. Generally, if you get hurt doing something a couple of times, you become a bit leery or reluctant to do it again. That might be your issue. On the other hand, it could be a lack of foreplay issue... (I know it's personal, but something to consider, perhaps.)

    At the end of the day, it's up to you what to do. If you're not happy in your relationship then do something about it - easier said than done, I know. There's no surefire way to instantly know whether you're gay, straight, bi, pan... it's very much an individual choice. I hope I helped, at least a little bit...
    thanks that's really useful advice I guess my problem is that this has been the only relationship I've ever had ... I jumped in to it before I ever had time to experiment. Right now as Im in a relationship I feel like I don't know who I'm attracted to, I just feel confused. I think you're right about me not being so attracted to him.... But I could never say anything as I'm so entangled with his feelings that I can't ever say what really is on my mind. In regard to our sex life I seem to gain no pleasure from anything he does. I guess I will wait till uni to see what happens. Thanks for your advice though. I guess it's a process figuring out your sexuality haha
 
 
 
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