Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Hello so in school I entered a writing competition you can write whatever story you want to I chose the theme enchanted forest as I wanted to write a mystical magical type of story not childish but a one which feels magical so this is what i have so far:

    The ominous pearlescent moon glistened, reflecting the fluroscent azure and emerald feathers of the vivid alluring peacock. Fragrant vivid flowers filled with gentle and mesmerising delicate creature the flower fairies.

    I wanted the story to be magical with rabbits and other forest creatures but the line in blue is something i am not sure of does it sound unprofessional and too silly I wanted to be magical but not too childish and mystical with some magical creatures like unicorns unicorns Do you have any idea how to describe a rabbit in a mystical mysterious way without saying it is a rabbit and the story is a description of an enchanted forest at night so i wanted to include sleeping animals. Can you give tips or a line to use I need really good and beautiful vocabulary to describe things in detail I want this to be a magical mystical description story. Any advice?? please only useful helpful comments.
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    I would perhaps try not to be too over the top? While your first sentence it full of lovely vocabulary it is lot to take in at once. By the time the reader has got to the end of the sentence it might be a bit difficult for them to remember what they've read! You also don't want to run out of all your descriptive terms for later on.

    As for describing normal creatures in a magical fashion.. Perhaps make them unusual? A white rabbit could have flecks of gold in its fur or slight glow to it.

    I hope that helps a little bit. If you want to run any more by me, feel free to message me
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elliebeanie)
    I would perhaps try not to be too over the top? While your first sentence it full of lovely vocabulary it is lot to take in at once. By the time the reader has got to the end of the sentence it might be a bit difficult for them to remember what they've read! You also don't want to run out of all your descriptive terms for later on.

    As for describing normal creatures in a magical fashion.. Perhaps make them unusual? A white rabbit could have flecks of gold in its fur or slight glow to it.

    I hope that helps a little bit. If you want to run any more by me, feel free to message me
    Thank you so what do you think about the blue part be honest I want the reader to like this should I not include the fairies but make wild animals magical instead? And how would you describe sleeping animals?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    I don't see any reason not to include fairies at all! However, looking back, your blue section actually doesn't make perfect sense structurally.
    Fragrant vivid flowers filled with gentle and mesmerising delicate creature the flower fairies.
    It would make more sense if you reorder it a bit. 'Flower fairies, gentle and delicate creatures, hide within the fragrant, vivid flowers.'
    See how I have used the first two commas as brackets? This is a good technique for making the sentence flow more naturally without it looking like it is not involved in the sentence as brackets could do.

    Mesmerising is a lovely word to use, especially for a magical piece. However, I would try to stick to using no more than three of four adjectives per sentence. You could use this later on or swap it with another word.

    As for the sleeping animals, I would just look for some softer synonyms such as 'dozing peacefully' or 'lost in a tranquil slumber'
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elliebeanie)
    I don't see any reason not to include fairies at all! However, looking back, your blue section actually doesn't make perfect sense structurally.
    Fragrant vivid flowers filled with gentle and mesmerising delicate creature the flower fairies.
    It would make more sense if you reorder it a bit. 'Flower fairies, gentle and delicate creatures, hide within the fragrant, vivid flowers.'
    See how I have used the first two commas as brackets? This is a good technique for making the sentence flow more naturally without it looking like it is not involved in the sentence as brackets could do.

    Mesmerising is a lovely word to use, especially for a magical piece. However, I would try to stick to using no more than three of four adjectives per sentence. You could use this later on or swap it with another word.

    As for the sleeping animals, I would just look for some softer synonyms such as 'dozing peacefully' or 'lost in a tranquil slumber'
    Thank you I was struggling to write this sentence not to sound forced as it did not flow how would you describe sleeping rabbits, foxes?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    That's alright! I'm not sure really, I've not thought about it before, not have I ever owned a fox or owned a rabbit within my life span that I can remember haha. I imagine they might snore a bit, my ferret does! So you could talk about that. Perhaps you could describe their paws twitching with their dreams as well
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elliebeanie)
    That's alright! I'm not sure really, I've not thought about it before, not have I ever owned a fox or owned a rabbit within my life span that I can remember haha. I imagine they might snore a bit, my ferret does! So you could talk about that. Perhaps you could describe their paws twitching with their dreams as well
    I had a rabbit it lays very quietly not moving on its belly the eyes look open as rabbits have multiple eye lids they get woken up easily. They sleep very calm and they do not make any noise.Do you think that the fairy line and the peacock line is a good starter to the story or should i begin with pathetic fallacy? to create surroundings and how would you describe trees to make them seem magical?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    Knowing about it is a good start then! I would put emphasis then on them sleeping soundly but lightly.
    It depend what you're aiming for for. If you are going for a traditional, perhaps cliched fairy story, pathetic fallacy would be a good way to start. It is good to put it in the first paragraph at least though so the ready can build a picture in their mind from the beginning.
    Trees.. That's more difficult. Personally, I would brear my own trees, entirely imaginary ones. Look at the films like Avatar for example for inspiration
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elliebeanie)
    Knowing about it is a good start then! I would put emphasis then on them sleeping soundly but lightly.
    It depend what you're aiming for for. If you are going for a traditional, perhaps cliched fairy story, pathetic fallacy would be a good way to start. It is good to put it in the first paragraph at least though so the ready can build a picture in their mind from the beginning.
    Trees.. That's more difficult. Personally, I would brear my own trees, entirely imaginary ones. Look at the films like Avatar for example for inspiration
    Thank you do you think i should describe patehtic fallacy then talk about the moon then the peacock to make it flow?
    Offline

    3
    ReputationRep:
    That would make sense! It would give the reader a better picture of what the moon is like too That would flow well
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Elliebeanie)
    That would make sense! It would give the reader a better picture of what the moon is like too That would flow well
    I think so to how would you describe the night not to make it scary but magical calm with lots of stars?
 
 
 
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Would you rather give up salt or pepper?
    Useful resources

    Make your revision easier

    OMAM

    Ultimate Of Mice And Men Thread

    Plot, context, character analysis and everything in between.

    Notes

    Revision Hub

    All our revision materials in one place

    Love books

    Common grammar and vocabulary problems

    Get your questions asked and answered

    Useful literary websitesStudy help rules and posting guidelines

    Groups associated with this forum:

    View associated groups
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Write a reply...
    Reply
    Hide
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.